Post # 1
Ok this is not really wedding related, but it sure is emotional. I can’t vent like this to FI so I need to do it here. Sorry…
For the past 3 years, FI’s best man has lived with us. He got married, that fell through, twice, and both times he came to live with us. When I graduated college and we made the decision to move to california, he came with us. We knew he would be living with us for a while, but this past August was two more years. After FI proposed, we talked that it’s finally time for him to move out and get his own place, even though we both know how hard it is to live on one person’s salary. His ex wife also managed to completely ruin his credit by taking payments for a car they bought together and using it for her groceries. That ended in a reposession. This kid has really gotten the short end of the stick for forever.
Last month, he and his new girlfriend decided to get an apartment together. We helped them move out, get into his new place, we bought him awesome concert tickets for his birthday, and we came home to a mess of an apartment. But it was so exciting! We had space! We had an extra bedroom that we turned into the studio/ art space for the both of us. We live in that room now, and I really love the way our apartment has turned out. We bought a couch (because the roommate brought his with him) and redid the whole place. Fi and I have been doing really well intimacy wise because of this change, we can walk around our house in our underwear and it’s generally more comfortable because i don’t feel trapped in our bedroom if we want privacy.
Cue last night. Best man calls FI, tells him this horror story about his gf bringing home like 10 people piss drunk and fucking up his whole apartment. He called the cops on them and they kicked them all out, and now it looks like they are breaking up. He says he can afford the apartment on his own, but they only got the apartment because of their co-signing the lease. He will lose the apartment if he takes her off of it. This was also cheap enough for him to afford because she’s a teacher and they had income restricted housing. Now it looks like he’s moving back in?!!! I AM FREAKING OUT. I haven’t said anything to FI but holy crap… I can’t do this anymore. Every time something goes wrong we can’t be the place he always goes. This has happened 3 times now over 5 years. Before I didn’t care cause FI was a bachelor and he can have his best friend as his roommate all he wants… but how are we supposed to be able to build our life together? Now we are going to have to take apart our awesome new room and move him back in, take apart the couch we bought (futon) so he can move it all back in? I am so freaking stressed out over this. I do not want to be this person. I want to be the ever loving, open armed person that people can turn to. But I want to get married and live with my husband ON OUR OWN!! I am totally clueless as to what to do. Thanks for listening if you made it this far 🙁
Post # 3
Wow, this is a tough situation to be in… I honestly don’t know what I would do if I was in your shoes…
Maybe tell him that he can put his stuff in storage and sleep on your couch until he finds an appartment? That way, it’s clear that it has to be temporary, but you are still being a good friend (maybe even a better one for helping him become more self sufficient). I’m sure there must be listings for people looking for roomates in the papers, and he can find an apartment if he really looks for one – but he has to want to look for one – giving his room back will not have him want to leave.
Post # 4
i totally understand and i would feel the same way!
I think there is a major difference between helping someone out during a crises and 3 YEARS!!!!
I think that you really need to have this conversation with you FI. I am sure he feels the same way. If I were in your situation I would help this guy out but I would NOT move him back in. He can rent a storage unit for his stuff and then stay on your futon while he looks for a roommate and a new place. He obviously needs a roommate to pay rent and I am sure there are some people looking for a roommate on Craigslist. I feel that if you let him get too comfortable (move all his stuff back in) he has no incentive to leave. However, your FI and you need to be on the same page about this – so I would talk to him first.
I wish you all the best and I really do feel for you! I have had my SIL and BIL with us since a week before the wedding (yup 5 WEEKS). They live in NZ so they came for a long visit. It was nice to see them but I want our space back! I couldn’t imagine doing it for 3 years!
Good Luck – Keep us posted!
Post # 5
Im so sorry you have to deal with this! I reuly understand that your friend has been in a rough spot but something has to give. He cant live with you for the rest of his life. You guys HAVE to tell him that. There are landlords etc. who may not run credit checks. SOme places are willing to do accept bad credit but you have to have a heftier deposit. I hate to say it like this but he only comes back to you because he KNOWS he can. Explain to him that you are getting MARRIED adn this type of lifestyle isnt appropriate for your relationship. I mean come on do you want to come home to your honeymoon to your best man…Maybe there is another way to assist without him having to move back in. If I were in your position I would first talk to FI and come up with a game paln to confront best man….if you all were not around he would find another way…really he would…and i know because i have been in a similar situation before so i also know how hard this can be! I hope you find a way to work through this that does not put a strain on your relatioinship with your FI(because it will strain relatioinship with best man for a while)
Post # 6
I think it is time for tough love for the friend. He obviously doesn’t have the greatest skills in picking suitable mates for himself….but that has to be HIS problem. You aren’t his parents. YOu aren’t his siblings. You have helped him for years, and it sounds like he really won’t stand on his own feet until he is forced. If you want this time to build your marriage, you need to build BOUNDARIES!
Post # 7
i think that its nice you have let him stay with you for so long BUT he cant keep coming to you everytime things dont work out for him, you guys have become his safety net and he always thinks he can return… just like crayfish said, there must be boundaries otherwise this guy will live with you ever
Post # 8
Here, repeat after me:
“No. No, you cannot move back in with us.”
Say that to him! Say it over and over again until he gets it. Make your FI say it to him, too. You and your FI are not running a hotel. This guy needs to get a clue. Friend or not, this guy is taking advantage of the both of you. He doesn’t get to decide when and if he moves in with you guys – that is your decision! Just keep saying no!
Post # 9
I agree w/ everybody else! I just can’t understand why this friend doesn’t have a sense that he should find somewhere else! I would of flip if I were you, but you are nicer person than I am =P
Please talk w/ your FI, married life means the two of you, not plus a friend.
Let us know how it goes!
Post # 10
wait…so did he just assume that he was moving back in with you guys or did you or your FI offer?
Post # 11
Why can he not get another roomate? Why does it have to be you and FI? When I couldn’t afford to live by myself I lived in a house with other people, way more affordable!
Just explain nicely that you’re starting a marriage, he’s been there so he knows what’s what. Good luck!
Post # 12
Tough love time.
I say, allow him to stay (not move in) for 2 weeks ONLY to get his feet on the ground and find a new place to live. I only think you should do this if he has to leave because of the teacher/affordable housing situation. You are not his parents and a “back up” plan for him when he makes poor decisions. Tell him to get a storage space for his stuff until he finds a place.
Your FI needs to have a heart to heart with him. You guys are building a life together and while you will always want his friendship to be a part of that, you are creating a home together and need your “couples” space.
Time to put on the big-boy pants and be independent. Good luck!
Post # 13
NO. Just tell him no. Eventually he’ll have to work things out for himself. He needs to stop relying on the two of you to bail him out of every bad situation.
I understand your sympathy and can appreciate that you want to help this friend. But he shouldn’t even put you in that position. You’ve already gone above and beyond by letting him stay with you for as long as he did.
Your FI and you should have a serious conversation about what you can do to help that doesn’t involve him living with you again. It could be damaging to your relationship if you’re resentful of this friend moving back in and you and your FI aren’t on the same page. Couples need their own space especially around the time they’re planning a wedding/getting married.
Post # 14
Sorry I couldn’t update til now, I wrote this as I was heading home yesterday. I wish it was as simple as telling him no, but we are this guy’s entire social circle. He moved with us to California to start his life over. I do agree that he could find a new roommate, but until that time comes he needs a place to stay. I talked with FI last night and said that he couldn’t live with us (as in, live, like forever) and he immediately jumped to “well then he has to go back to Ohio”. I told him he was guilting me and he said thats just how it was, if he couldn’t stay with us until he found a new place he’d be going back home to his dad. It started a bit of a fight, but it was ultimately a lack of communication (a lot of that is me, and I need to work on it) and we both agreed that he can stay TEMPORARILY, without moving any of his furniture back in. FI said he thought our conversation was redundant because BM moved out knowing we needed our own space, and that is still the case.
Then I went out to dinner with my dad, and when I came home, FI was over at BM’s place. When he came home I asked how he was, and all he said was “what? he’s fine, we watched Avatar and jammed” (theyre in a band together). Now I can’t imagine that none of it came up, but I guess its possible that they didn’t want to talk about it yet, they haven’t hung out in a couple of weeks.
It’s all still up in the air, which is what stresses me out so much, because I have no idea if this is going to turn my life upside down again or not. I hope he’s able to stay in his current apartment, he can pay for it and if he’s smart he’ll show them his paychecks and they’ll accept it. I’m not that close to him (like I don’t call him or hang out without FI) so I’m kind of in the dark. I’m just going to keep my fingers crossed and hope this works itself out. Thank you guys for all your advice!
Post # 15
Okay, first of all I totally understand your frustration as DH and I have also dealt with this in the past and both times it was HIS family who were imposing on us. You are not being selfish or unreasonable at all. You’ve been overly generous by helping BM out all these years and now that you are starting a life with your FI you need to set boundaries. I understand it comes off as a little cold, but you need to put your foot down in order to maintain sanity and not let anyone take advantage of you.
Second, you should discuss this with your FI behind closed doors and agree together on the right solution (which you’ve obviously done per your update). If you are willing to ‘help him out’ do NOT give him back the room, let him crash on your couch ‘for a couple of weeks’ while he finds a place. And really, IMO it is just as easy for him (or easier) to find his own small studio apartment and move there as it is for him to move back in with you two. Especially since he even admitted he KNOWS he was imposing and had to give you two back your space and privacy. So really that would be his goal anyway, right?
On a personal note, we had to actually kick out DH’s cousin once and it wasn’t pretty. He had a bad habit of coming up to NYC unannounced, asking DH to meet him out for a drink then announcing he had not place to stay at the end of the night. Then he would stay for several days and give us no timeline about when he would be leaving. I can’t even express how frustrating this was given we live in a small 1 bedroom apartment with no privacy for the bedroom, it is separated from the living room by an open spiral staircase kind of like a loft. DH’s brother has done this also, once he stayed for an entire week also giving us no sense of when he would be leaving. When we kicked out (well, DH kicked out) the cousin, it was very awkward but at least we stood up for ourselves and now he knows that behavior is unacceptable. I know it isn’t the same thing as someone living with you, but I can assure you it’s just as violating and frustrating.