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i think if you have something already set up. Some reasons people weren't able to make it to ours were that it was her due date to have a baby, someone had another wedding and they were related to either the Bride or Groom i can't remember.
The only real excuses that i thought were a little poor were that they had something come up or had to work- when i saw on fb that they went to the college football game (yes it was the season opener but still)! HELLLOOO we are friends on fb if you want to talk about tailgating and put pics up at least don't lie to me about why you can't attend the wedding!
And my husband's brother in law said he had the flu but was at the country club the next day... hmm... that one was questionable. I know he was pretty sick but the country club the next day? which we also found out thru fb!
Depending on how close you are, unless someone is dying or giving birth, I would be upset too. I'm sorry this is happening :( Try to remember that you want those that WANT to be there for you guys, and are making an effort for you; no one else matters.
If it makes you feel any better, I had one girl tell me months in advance that she would "try to accomodate" me & FI on our wedding day. Why?? Because she had a 1 year old's birthday party to attend. Nevermind the fact that, @ one point, she was supposed to be in our wedding! Yeah, we don't speak anymore...
That's a great topic. I suppose it's a case by case basis for me. I could umbrella things like family emergencies, medical issues, financial reasons (ie. too expensive to fly out).
There are other things that could come up. But in your case, I would totally be hurt by your friends. I guess the one friend who made the original plans about Hawaii, could have run into a situation in which they were really planning the trip and got tangled into this one time. Maybe money was already tied into the trip too??? BUt honestly, the fact that the other friends are joining them seems ridiculous to me. It's like they all just thought "*&%! Cristalynn's wedding. This is way more fun." I'm so sorry. I'd be hurt too.
The two times I've missed weddings were when they were during the holidays, one was during a long weekend and the other was during Christmas. I only see my family a few times a year so I chose to go home instead of the weddings.
I've got a couple friends that aren't coming because they live on the east coast and I'm in Texas. Although I think one of them expects me to attend their wedding next spring. It's too expensive for them, and I know that's a legit excuse, but I'm still hurt. They are two of my closest friends from college.
A friend a work told me he didn't want to come because he didn't have a date. Lame. I convinced him to bring another coworker and come anyways. Another friend told me she's up for a promotion so she can't take any time off. I don't know about that. Is one day going to lose the promotion for you?
I don't know. I'm gonna have a blast whether people show up or not so if they can't make time for me, oh well. That's how I feel. I'd be upset if I were in your situation too!
We had a guest that showed up to our ceremony and then decided to skip the reception because "they don't make it to the area very often, and decided to make the trip worth it and go play tourist" BURN.
ETA - that's my example of NOT a good reason. For a very close friend I would do almost anything. I was fully prepared to take off to Australia when my best friend was debating Australia vs. Canada for her wedding.
We're TTC, and my husband's sister is a lady in waiting with a dream wedding in the Dominican republic. I'm hoping to heck that her boyfriend gets his act together and they're able to plan a wedding that beats me to my third trimester.
I would understand if a friend couldn't come because it was very expensive, or was having/just had a baby, or there was a death in the family.
I think it depends how good the friends are. For my best friends, I would do almost anything to be at their wedding-- to the point of putting it on a credit card if necessary-- and I'd kind of expect them to do the same for me. But I can count those people on one hand. For all my other friends, I don't really expect them to go out of their way too much to be there. I would hope they would come, but I probably wouldn't be too upset about them being on vacation at the same time.
Like CaraMia said, it depends on how close you are. If we were not super close, I probably wouldn't care. But if it was one of our good friends, I'd be a little butt hurt.
Oh, in answer to your question, I also think it's situational.
If they dont want to be there and you shouldnt even want them there.. who needs friends like those.
I'd give a pass to the folks that planned their vacation months ago. But the last minute deciders? Yea, I'd be upset. Plus the fact that it's been from Facebook chatter (when will people learn that everyone can read what they post) is rather uncouth.
Of course, what can you say? They'll get defensive, and argue that they want to do XY and Z. Sure one can argue that, but I feel like basic manners should still apply. Send in your RSVP, talk to the person, don't rub their noses in it on Facebook. And yea, that's what I think they are doing.
So I would wait for your deadline to come and go, and then talk to them about it. I'd express that you are hurt, but in the end you can't force them to come or make it important to them. The whole situation sucks-I'm sorry.
When we were trying to figure out how to have our wedding in Rhode Island, my FMIL told my fiance that they were trying to figure out how to stay longer because they didn't see any point in only going up there for those three days. So I thought that was a pretty bad excuse, that they may not come because they couldn't make it into a vacation.
I agree with PP, it depends on how close you are to them and is kinda a case by case thing, but in your case I would be upset! I'm sorry you have to deal with this too...
My ex-MOH dropped out of the wedding but PROMISED she would still attend. She kept saying X months or sooo soon, etc then sent back her RSVP (right before the deadline) declining with no explanation. I tried to contact her but she never got back to me. Another friend of mine who I invited planned on driving to the wedding with my ex-MOH and they had discussed these plans like a week prior. When I told my other friend that my ex-MOH wasn't coming she contacted her. Ex-MOH said she was going out of town on business....I'm sorry but I'm not buying it because if that was really the reason then why couldn't she tell me?! Also she knew about my wedding before anyone else and works for her dad so could easily have gotten out of any trip. Oh well.
I have to say that I will be missing the wedding of some friends of FH and I because of my birthday/vacation.
I hate that we are missing it but we planned to take this trip for my birthday before they got engaged. When she picked the date it was ON my birthday which is right in the middle of our vacation. So we aren't going, she/they understood cause we had already bought non refundable plane tickets. So it was lose 800 or not go. Plus she was able to invite someone on her b/c list.
I think I would be most upset about the last minute ditchers. It sucks but you don't want them there if they don't want to be. Wouldn't you rather have those that WANT to be a part of your day there? I know I would rather someone be honest and not come if they don't want to, than come because they feel they HAVE to.
It depends how close the friends are. My crowd from college has roots so deep that even financial hardship wouldn't have kept them (didn't keep them) from making it out here. To them, almost no excuse would have been a "good reason" to miss it. I love them immensely for that. But, I had some local friends I'm not on that level of emotional closeness with who did simply make the decision to make other plans instead of attending. They were all difficult decisions - like, things that they desperately wanted to do that absolutely could not happen at any other time - but I was still disappointed that they hadn't taken the Save the Date as an actual instruction to, well, save the date. A "good reason" really depends on what kind of a relationship you have.
i think im probably going to take a lashing for this, but i miss/skip weddings all the time. for me (and for my own wedding expectations), a good excuse for not going is whatever reason i dont want to go. this year i have already RSVPd no to 3 weddings:
1. my cousin sent me a FB invite to her Wednesday wedding in Austin, TX. i wont be attending
2. a friends friday wedding in Alabama. unless we are really close, i dont do weekday weddings, especially if they require significant travel. LAX to Birmingham is an all day trip.
3. some casual friends' (they attended our wedding in the midwest) wedding in IN. frankly, i did not want to spend nearly 2k to go to a light app/cash bar wedding in indianapolis. id rather use my remaining vacation days to do what i want to do.
4. we have another wedding coming up this february and we are going on vacation in MX instead. Is there time to move my trip? sure. but why would i move something i have been planning for months to attend a casual friend's wedding? if this was a close friend, id do it in a minute. but not for a friend of my husbands that he talks to in person (and not FB) once every other year.
admittedly, all of these are very selfish reasons. i hope the bride/groom werent offended. but an invitation is a request, not an obligation. if you have something you would rather be doing, then you should do that instead. going to a wedding out of guilt/obligation is usually what leads to those guests that complain about everything and have a sour puss on their faces all night.
lots of people didnt come to my wedding. it was mothers day weekend and a five hour flight for nearly half the guests. some of my very close friends would not be able to attend unless i moved the date or location. did i miss them? sure. but frankly, i didnt really notice they werent there. i wasnt offended by anyone that couldnt come. now, i was irritated by the people that RSVPd yes and then didnt show.
To be perfectly honest, the couple who aren't coming and made the original vacation plans aren't what I would consider close friends. She did show up and give a really thoughtful gift at my shower and expressed regret that she wouldn't be there in person this past Saturday. On the flip side, I found it wacky that she was encouraging the other friend to skip out on the wedding and go to Hawaii instead...
The other friends are closer to us but still - not super close. I'm just frustrated that they would make the choice three weeks ahead. My shower this past weekend was at her house (because my MOH lives in a small condo) so it seemed strange that she would bail for a vacay the following day. It's clearly been in the works.
I'd also like to point out that while my wedding IS on a Friday - these friends are all local. I wouldn't be upset at all if they were out of towners, not even a little bit. It's just not a big sacrifice for these people to attend. They simple would rather be somewhere else.
P.S. Both of those girls attended a concert instead of my bachelorette on Saturday night... the closer of the two drove 30 minutes to the party afterward and then bought us all a round.
It could be worse. I read on another message board about the groom's brother not being at the wedding because he had to take a sick rooster to the vet. ;-)
@2dBride: I know. It is worse - my groom's step mother (for the past 27 years) isn't coming either, but that is another story.
@FutureMrsMorgan: I absolutely agree that an invitation is a request, not an obligation. I guess being that I am one of those people who takes a wedding as a very high priority request, the lack of attendance just seems hurtful to me.
@FutureMrsMorgan: I am completely the same way.
to the OP, I am sorry you are feeling hurt by your friends actions. It sucks to feel like our weddings aren't as important as they obviously are to us, but don't let it cloud the sunshine of your spectacular day. *hugs to you*
@heatherkristin: It's more that as I mentioned, I'm the type to always show up. I don't miss birthdays, holiday parties, weddings. I just DON'T. I also seem to manage not to double book or be ultra busy - I just plan accordingly. So when other people blow off my wedding? It stings.
Aside? Enjoy your wedding - you get married on my 30th birthday! :)
YAY! It's also my bridesmaids birthday on that day as well-- I will sure be celebrating for your birthday, lol.
I hope you are able to sort everything out. I used to be very very much like you in regards to your original post.. I know how crappy it feels to feel like people would rather do other things than come to my various events.. and I used to always show up to everything and get nothing in return. Just know that regardless of who is there on your special day-- you will be marrying that boy you love and that is all that matters! FI and I are having our wedding on a cruise ship.. we are getting LOTS of no's.. I just tell myself 'eh, guess they dont like badass cruises with a wedding thrown in.." maybe your friends just dont have the energy for a super awesome wedding, so they feel they have to lay on some boring beach... :)
I missed my best friend's (one I grew up with) wedding for a vacation. In my defense, she only gave me 4 months notice.
I plan my vacations like a year in advance and had already paid for the hotels, plane tickets and had gotten time off of work. (It was a pretty big vacation to me too as we were going to England).
I missed my friend's because I found out I was pregnant and would be 8 months by the time her wedding rolled around- which was in the Rocky Mountains. Flying at that stage plus being at that high altitude could have induced labor, so I told her I was sorry but couldn't make it. I THINK that was a good reason?
I'm missing a good friend's wedding this Saturday. She was in my wedding in June. I feel awful about it, but after our wedding we moved from San Diego to Austin, and her wedding is in Bakersfield.
I thought we'd be able to go, but I still haven't found a job - I thought it wouldn't be this hard. We're barely keeping our heads above the water financially and I knew it wouldn't be smart of us to spend a thousand dollars to go even though I'd love to be there. When she got engaged in March, I totally thought I'd be able to make it, I thought we'd have more money than we do. Sigh.
@christalynn11: I had to pull out as MOH for my best friend's wedding because my dad ended up in the ICU and needed an LVAD (and eventually..thankfully...finally got a heart transplant a few weeks ago). I told the bride that I had to pull out as MOH because my family needed me. This was this past January. Her wedding was June 19, 2010. His LVAD surgery was June 21, 2010. She told me that, unless he was on his death bed, she didn't understand why I had to pull out of the wedding. WTF? Needless to say, she uninvited me to her wedding because I pulled out as MOH. She un-friended me on FB and no longer speaks to me. She walked away from an 11 year friendship.
I don't understand some women. Who, in their right mind, thinks a wedding is more important than a parent being in the ICU and needing a heart transplant?
SO yeah, I think I had a pretty good excuse to pull out of her bridal party...and, had she not uninvited from her June 19th wedding, i would have not been able to attend because my dad's surgery was 2 days after the wedding. I think I had/have a pretty good excuse, don't you? :) Everything happens for a reason, right?
I would say that the fact that they are on vacation is a key point. Not everyone has the flexibility to take vacation when they want to and frankly I would not miss a week in Hawaii for a wedding unless it was a family member or if I was in the wedding party. I would though leave a day late or return a day early if the wedding was on the front or back end of the vacation.
Yeah it's annoying esp if they knew about your wedding before and don't ahve to take time off to attend. I would def attend the wedding, that's me.
My FI's uncle did something similar. My FI and his dad (it's his brother) I think are quite hurt. He said he can't attend our wedding since he is on vactation. This is a DW in Ireland, he lives in Austria, his "vacation" is 3 or 4 weeks to his summer house in Spain. He could so easily fly from Spain to Ireland as Austria to Ireland for 2 days, really. And this guy is obviously loaded so its not the money.
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I'm curious to see what you guys think about this question!
I found out through Facebook that a friend of mine wouldn't be attending our wedding because they would be on vacation. I was a bit disappointed, since our STDs were sent out 5 months ago - but I know you can't expect everyone to honestly 'save the date'
What is more upsetting is our other mutual friends just decided (three weeks before we get married) to join them in Hawaii instead of coming to the wedding. I found this out by their chatter on Facebook ('Oh I'm so excited you will be in Hawaii with us!') Neither couple has verbally RSVPed 'no' or mailed in their cards (we are 5 days from our deadline.)
I'm disappointed. We socialize with them on a regular basis - and the just decided to go couple got married a year ago in a DW and we were fully prepared to fly to Jamaica for it (they eloped). I guess I'm feeling a little sensitive, but in a way I also feel like a wedding is once in a lifetime for most people and an important event.
I've missed ONE wedding that I was invited to - because we closed and moved into our house that day. The couple was engaged less than three months and we had absolutely no way to make a wedding an hour and a half away while we moved in.
So what do YOU think is a 'good reason' for missing your friends' wedding?