Post # 1
I’ve been anxiously awaiting the RSVP from the pastor who is marrying FI and I, as well as his wife who is good friends with FI from work. We found out that she had cancer again (she beat it years ago) about a month ago, but weekly emails had her sounding fine with lots of reassurance that she would be at our wedding with bells on and was so excited to come! FI insisted her family must be there because they helped him through a hard time he had.
Today FI called me from work to tell me she had passed away on the weekend. I’m so upset because it was so sudden. She truly was a great person. And, as selfish as it sounds, I am also worried if the pastor will be up to marrying us now, but I certainly don’t want to bring that concern up yet.
What would you do? I am here to support FI in the loss of his friend, and truly that is priority number one, but should I be scoping out JOP’s in the area on the side? Should I wait until things calm down?
Sorry if this is the wrong board to post this, but I am feeling so many things at once I don’t know where to start sorting out my emotions at this point.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss!
I would think that the pastor would be able to marry you, still. It’s still 6 weeks away, so he’ll have time to grieve, but will also be wanting to get back on with a routine. Perhaps you could call the church in a week or so and ask an administrator there if he will be up for the marriage ceremony still. I’m sure someone at the church will be in charge of contacting people who would be in a bind over this.
Post # 4
@abbie017: that’s another problem– neither of us are religious, and he works as a councilor for troubled youth and homeless now. He no longer belongs to a church as a pastor, but still has his papers to marry people. I’m hoping he will be up for it too, but I don’t want to force him out of grieving.
Post # 5
First of all, I am very sorry for this sudden loss. This is such a delicate thing because while you want to remain sensitive to your pastor’s feelings, you still need to prepare fr the worst case situation: Should he not be up to marrying you and your FI.
If it were me, I think that I would scope out JOP’s on the side, after discussing with your FI of course so he doesn’t feel slighted. This way you can still remain in contact with your pastor and hope for the best, but you are prepared for the worst with a back up JOP. My question would be if I would tell the pastor or not about backup JOP, as to give him an out if he isn’t feeling up to it? OR this could make him feel unwanted, or that you think he is unable to still continue his work during his loss. I still would seek out JOP, just in case. Best wishes, and I am very sorry for your loss.
Post # 6
We had a similar situation where our minister’s FIL went into hospice and passed away about 2 weeks before our wedding. We completely panicked, but he ended up making it to our wedding. He had also set up a backup minister in case he wasn’t going to be able to.
I know that FIL and wife are two different things, but I would think that 6 weeks gives him time to grieve and/or find a replacement (given his relationship with your FI, I’m sure this is something your pastor would want to do). I’d wait a while to scope out JOPs. I think abbie017‘s idea of calling the church office in a week or so is a good one.
ETA: just saw your post that he’s not with a church anymore, so that rules out calling the office. However, given your relationship with him, my gut is that he’d really want to still do this for you if there’s any way he can. He might even bring it up when you see him at the funeral. How about you wait until the funeral and see how he’s doing then? I don’t mean bring it up–that would be inappropriate–but see how he’s doing, and if he brings it up, that’s fine. If he seems like he’ll need more mourning time, start the search for a JOP then.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think it is probably too soon to mention anything just yet. Give it until after the funeral and see where the land lies then. I think the pastor will probably bring it up to you so I wouldn’t worry too much, I think your wedding will go ahead with him officiating as planned.
Sorry you’re going through this though, especially so close to your day xx