Post # 1
Ive had an awful waiting weekend, so I thought I come here for some support.
On saturday he suggested we go look at rings to see what I liked. I got excited, and we did, and when I did it got a little overwhelming. We had never done anythign like this before or talk about details, so I felt a bit like fainting. BUT, I was still happy.
We were driving down for a concert (about 2 hour drive) and the ring thing got me excited. I thought it was a small invite to discuss things like this (plans, weddings, what we want). But when I started talking, he got all defensive, saying he didnt want to have everything “set in stone” and planned before we even got engaged. This hurt a tiiiny bit. I then tried to have an adult convo about “its okay to talk about this stuff and we are just talking” and he freaked out. Told me Im just different from him and other couples in this regard and I needed to stop. I decided to finish the subject by trying to let him know that I didnt want a ring, or a weddding…Im just excited to be married to the man I love some day.
And then it all went to hell. He said I was “pushy” and he needed to propose on his “own terms” and that I already knew too much (by knowing he was planning something before the end of the year)and ive “ruined it”. That Ive “cast a shadow over his proposal” and now he had to rethink EVERYTHING. He said this is the guys job to decide and the girl shouldnt be a part of it. Its his surprise and I cant know ANYTHING.
Of course, now Im crying. I tell him thats not very nice or fair…that moving forward into marriage is a decision we need to make together. He can still have his surprise and I want that too, but we NEED to talk about this stuff. That its my life too. All he said was that “girls and guys are different and I could call any guy and they would say Im ruining everything”. He then went on to say that he was worried about money and he had been talkign to his borther about whether he should do what he truely wants (to propose and plan a marriage) or be mature (wait till we have more money).
We talked agian this morning and he apologized for what he said, he was just upset and anxious. My SO has OCD/anxiety…so he overthinks and worries about every decision he makes. But we never discussed what is happeneing between us, so the November timeline he gave me seems to have flown out a window.
But I was so hurt and upset…and still am. And confused. His words hurt me. His “wanting to get married but being worried about soemthign that he just cant put his finger on” makes me worried. And him not being able to come to ME and disscuss money stuff and our future makes me think we are not the couple I thought we were. I dont understand why getting married is so important to me, we love and are committed to eachother and have been for over 4.5 years. But now, Im back in “unknown land” while he figures it out 🙁
Post # 3
Oh hon, I’m so sorry. That’s hard. My SO has bad anxiety at times as well and it’s difficult when he is overthinking things because that means he will get more anxious and then sometimes things will go downhill from there. I know it’s hard to hear, because it feels personal, but it’s not. It’s the anxiety. *hugs*
That being said, men and women are so damn different when it comes to this. I remember when we looked at rings I was ready to have the thing on my finger within a WEEK, lol. SO, on the other hand, not so much. He was/is stressing about money, wants it to be right and not rushed, etc. I think that it says a lot that they want the time and proposal to be right. We women tend to get a little wedding crazy at the first sign of something sparkly, lol… 😉
Hang in there, I’m sorry you had a bad waiting weekend. I hope the week is much better!
Post # 4
I am sorry 🙁 if I were you I would stop talking about it all together. You seem to have pushed a big button. You already know he want to propose since you did look at rings. I totally understand how hard that is though. We actually bought my ring together so now I’m playing the waiting game. He gets really irritated when I bring it up because I already know to much.
Post # 5
Are you sure he was going to propose in November? You said in previous posts that he sort of spilled the beans, but what if he gave you the wrong impression? I think that only because it really is weird for a guy to take you ring shopping (something you obviously loved) then to clam up and get angry when you talk about other wedding and marriage stuff. His giant over reaction to your wedding talk makes me think that he is nowhere near ready, and the ring shopping was just to keep you happy. Is that something you could live with?
Post # 6
@Artificial-Sweetener: The thing is, I wasnt talking like “Were getting married at the White house with chicken as the main meal and butler served appetizers”. I could understand him acting like he did (angry and annoyed) if that was what I did. I simply said things like “I hoep to have a romantic wedding” and “Id like simple and elegant” and he freaked! So I guess it is a sore subject for him.
@GoldfishPie: he TOLD me November. I figure dout what day from the way he talks, si I assume nothing. But I too wonder if we are ready for this? Ever conversation ends in him yellign and me in tears. Then, after explaining he wants this but is worried about something he cant identify…that worries me too. And Im not sure how to react to this revelation of “not being ready”? I dont know how I feel about it. Im in real deep here, and Im not sure if Im willing to keep shelling out money and putting him as nuber one in my book if we keep going the way we are going. For years we have acted like a married couple…now that I want that extra step its an issue? *sigh* Like I said, why do I want this so bad? Its not like being married will change our love and commitment for eachother? Maybe I shoudl just let it go…
Post # 7
@awolfpaw: It sounds to me a little bit like you are starting to feel that there’s something wrong with you that your current relationship isn’t enough and you want that commitment of engagement and marriage. There is NOT anything wrong with you. Some people want marriage, others don’t. Maybe your SO doesn’t, when it comes right down to it. Maybe he knows he’s supposed to want it, because society tells us that, but deep down, he doesn’t. That doesn’t mean there’s some special reason he thinks you’re “not right” for him, just that maybe he isn’t a marriage kind of person. In any case, his reaction to your attempts at basic conversation about a wedding was WAY over the top, and clearly something isn’t right in his mind over the issue. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I think you might benefit from a few days away to really think about what you want and whether a relationship with him will provide it.
Post # 8
@awolfpaw: DON’T let it go, this is something important to you! I’m sorry but he has to man up and do some thinking about what it “wrong” and what he really wants. And I think you should carefully judge when it’s time to make him think about it, whether its tomorrow, or in a month, or December, etc. but he HAS to think about it and talk to you about it.
Post # 9
Maybe you guys should take a weekend and focus on yourselves as a couple. Stay away from other people, just spend a whole weekend together and have “us” time. You guys may just need to recharge and rekindle the romance. Sometimes when life gets overwhelming (as it can when thinking about the future/ring shopping) it’s good to feel loved and comforted.
Post # 10
So sorry. But dont worry. My Fiance was the EXACT same. We would looke at rings or whatever and i would want to talk about our future and i would always get shut down.
He just wants to be able to surprise you and not feel pressured. You have looked at rings and now its his responsibility to pick one and find the money to pay for it. So he doesnt want to feel like your down his throat at every turn while he arranges everything.
Post # 11
@GoldfishPie: Good advice. I think this time the anxiety might have gotten to him, but in the future, OP, if he won’t even talk to you about something that’s just as much your future as his, I’d be really upset.