What about friends who might not *want* to be BMs?

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What Should I Do When The Time Comes?
    Just ask the four original girls to be your BMs. You don't need to say anything to the other girls. : (22 votes)
    48 %
    Ask the four original girls and also give your friends a card asking them to be "non-Bridesmaids." : (1 votes)
    2 %
    Sit down and ask the other girls if they WANT to be a BM...and if they do, include them. : (14 votes)
    30 %
    Just ask everyone. It will hurt feelings if some people are left out. : (1 votes)
    2 %
    Other - please explain. : (0 votes)
    You need to drink a beer and stop worrying. : (8 votes)
    17 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3718 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    1) I think you’re over thinking this 🙂 

    2) ask the original fouit and that’s it

    3) if you want, ask the other three to be a part of the ceremony in a different way – doing a reading, being in charge of the Kunitz ceremony stuff, etc. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1560 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @MsMonkey:  Ask the original four girls and relax.  If you think they don’t want to be BM’s anyway, they’ll be glad you didn’t ask. They do’t sounds like they will get their feelings hurt.

    Post # 5
    Member
    7195 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @MsMonkey:  Ask the original 4 only.  Unless you want 7 BMs, then ask them all. None of this non-BM pr pseudo-BM stuff though. Ask them or don’t.

    Your college friends will understand that the other girls come first because they’re your oldest friends. Not every friend needs to be a BM.

    Post # 6
    Member
    10384 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Why don’t you just be direct and ask them how they feel about it? Passive aggressive guessing games rarely end well.

    Post # 7
    Member
    230 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I wouldn’t do the non-bridesmaid thing… it seems unnecessarily awkward.

    I’d ask the three to hand out programs and coordinate your guest book table. It shows them that they play a special role in your life, but won’t come with all the possible bridesmaid drama. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    1234 posts
    Bumble bee

    @MsMonkey:   In my circle of friends, we’re totally honest. If it were me, I would ask if they WANT to be BM and make it totally clear that my feelings wouldn’t be hurt if the answer is no. I would also offer an alternative, such as letting them make a toast, or sitting up front near/with the family in a place of honor if they aren’t comfortable with public speaking. If you work with them, totally and honestly, I’m sure you can find a way to honor them that they would be happy and comfortable with— and if they don’t want to be honored, that’s ok too!

    Post # 9
    Member
    3010 posts
    Sugar bee

    @MsMonkey:  my friends know I have no interest in being a bridesmaid despite my love for them. I have done readings and a toast. Much more me. Have them participate in other ways! 

    Post # 10
    Member
    6505 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @Lakelyn:  +1 I think the whole non-bridesmaid thing seems rather awkward. 

    Just ask them point blank how they feel about it. I would rather have someone ask me than to beat around the bush about it. If they want to do it and you want 7 BMs then great! If they don’t want to be BMs than ask if they would like to be involved in another way.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1242 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    @MsMonkey:  If I wasn’t going to be asked, then I’d rather not be asked. To be asked to be a non-BM, I think it would be more offensive then not beig asked. Not being asked, it’s not in your face, but a note?? That’s like putting up a hiuge sign that says, “you are definitely NOT a good enough friend to be a BM.”

    If weddings aren’t their thing, they probably won’t be offended. Furthermore, if there is any comments, snarky or not, you can just say, well, these are the girls that I’ve known since childhood – end of story.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1662 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Ask them what they think! Here’s why:

    It’s not that you don’t WANT them there, it’s that you don’t think that they would enjoy it! So you wouldn’t be asking them out of obligation, you would be asking them out of friendship.

    My story of a bridesmaid that I thought might not want to do it:

    I had one friend I didn’t ask because she lives out of town, is very busy, and is a student (so somewhat low on funds) and also will be attending with her bf who doesn’t know anyone else… He’s a great guy and I didn’t want to steal his lady and have him sit alone all night!

    But one day when we were talking about hair etc, she wondered if she might join us for some of the behind the scenes stuff. I said OF COURSE, because she maybe would even have been my MOH if the circumstances had been different. And we’re doing some bachelorette stuff together so then I asked her if she would WANT to be a bridesmaid if she’s going to be with us getting ready… And explained why I hadn’t asked…

    And now she’s my third bridesmaid! She was very happy and so was I. She explained that the bf is a very social type who won’t have a problem mingling. (But I’m going to seat them together at dinner anyways.)

    TLDR; Late addition bridesmaid because I guessed incorrectly if the friend was interested. 

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