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overanxious to be engaged...

What am I doing wrong?

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
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    Newbee
    Kuroneko    August 10, 2013   Hamilton, Ontario

    Hi Bees,

    I'm fairly new to the site, but I just wanted to make a post and hopefully get some support.

    I feel like I'm getting no support whatsoever from my family regarding my engagement.  When I told my mom that my fiance and I were engaged, she was just like "oh, that's nice" and didn't seem excited at all. When I try to talk to her about wedding plans, she ignores me.  It feels like there's some reason she has to be unhappy about it.  When I showed my sister my ring, she said "it must not have cost very much, because I know you guys can't afford a good ring."  I just don't understand why they can't be happy for us. Am I doing something wrong? My family claims to like my fiance, and we're getting married for the right reasons. 

    Any thoughts? =/

     
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    Helper bee
    Otaqueen    June 15, 2013   Queens, NY

    Are you very close to your family?

    Maybe they feel like they are losing you  Perhaps they think you are too young, or haven't been together long enough.

     

    If you are very close, I think it may have to do with the idea of losing.

     

    As for your sister, well that was a catty remark. Perhaps she's jealous?

     
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    Busy bee
    Future Mrs K    April 28, 2012   NC

    Sounds like they arent really taking it seriously, maybe you are really young? or maybe you guys havent been together very long? those are usually reasons people would respond that way, and I agree your sister is prob jealous

     
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    Kuroneko    August 10, 2013   Hamilton, Ontario

    @Otaqueen: 

    No, not really... my mom and I don't get along very well, but she's usually pretty decent about things like this.

    I'm already older than my mom was when she got married (I'm 23, she was 21), so I don't think it's age... and my fiance and I have already lived together for almost 2 years.

    Yes, I do get the feeling that my sister's jealous.  She doesn't seem as happy in her relationship as I am in mine.

     
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    Busy bee
    HappierKate    September 29, 2012  

    May I ask how old you are?  If you're still supported by your family in some way, they may not feel it's appropriate for you to be engaged yet but may be holding back since they know if they say "You're too young!" it'll upset you.

    Do they generally get on well with your FI?  Did he talk to them beforehand?  Did they WANT him to talk to them beforehand to ask for their blessing?

    You're not doing anything wrong, but clearly they're upset about something.  I would confront your mom and your sister about it, starting with whichever one you're closer to.

    I'm sorry you have to go through this right now :(

    On another note...CONGRATULATIONS!  This is so exciting ^^  If you're not getting enough support from your family, get together with your supportive friends in the meantime; go out for drinks to celebrate!

     
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    Busy bee
    HappierKate    September 29, 2012  

    @Kuroneko:  If you've lived together for 2 years, are your parents of the opinion that you're basically married already?  That might be why they're not getting excited.

     
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    Kuroneko    August 10, 2013   Hamilton, Ontario

    @HappierKate: 

    Thank you :) I guess you didn't read my last post in time, but I'm 23.  And yes, they claim to like my fiance. I actually asked my mom if she was happy for me, and she just kept saying "yes, yes".  I found it kind of strange when my aunt who I see once in a blue moon sends me a "congratulations" card and a present in the mail, and my own mother barely smiles.  So, I confronted her about it, and she tried to reassure me that she likes my fiance and that she's happy. But I don't know, I don't buy it.  She never wants to talk about wedding plans or anything, and when I showed her my ring, she was just like "that's nice..."

    He didn't talk to them beforehand, but I don't think it matters, my family isn't traditional at all.

     
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    Helper bee
    BerryBerry    December 20, 2012   Australia

    I'd say that considering your relationship with your mum isn't that good, that's half the reason she might not care. Also, you are still quite young and you haven't been with your partner very long. She might not be taking it very seriously and thinks it's just a 'phase' you're going through.

    And your sister sounds like a jealous, nasty cat. Ignore her. She sounds bitter and sad.

    So you're not doing anything wrong, you might just be one of those people who unfortunately doesn't have a supportive family.

     
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    Kuroneko    August 10, 2013   Hamilton, Ontario

    @HappierKate:  Maybe... I just would have thought that tying the knot would be of some interest =/

     
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    Newbee
    Kuroneko    August 10, 2013   Hamilton, Ontario

    @BerryBerry:  Yikes, I hope she doesn't think it's a phase! Anyways, thanks for the input. :)

     
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    Busy bee
    HappierKate    September 29, 2012  

    @Kuroneko:  You'd think so.  I don't know, parents are weird.  My mom is being a lot like this too.  She kept asking me why we're even bothering with a wedding (granted, this is my second wedding, so I thought I understood why, I just didn't need to keep hearing "why are you even having a wedding?").

     
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    Newbee
    Kuroneko    August 10, 2013   Hamilton, Ontario

    @HappierKate:  That's awful! Of course most people would want to have a wedding, even if it's your 2nd. Is your mom really traditional or something and only believes in one marriage? Btw, congrats! :)

     
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    Busy bee
    HappierKate    September 29, 2012  

    @Kuroneko:  Thanks!  She's not really, she's on her third marriage (it's with my dad and it's lasted 26 years almost, but still).  I found out a few nights ago that it's because she's afraid that if I get divorced, then it will become an unhappy memory for her instead of a happy memory and it's pretty inconsiderate of me to put her through that.  Because, you know, it's about her.

    So my mom is just a little bit self-involved right now.

     

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