what am I going to do???

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Hmm. I don’t look at my FI’s phone or anything and I agree that you shouldn’t do that in a healthy relationship. 

but obviously this guy had given you reasons to feel insecure (flirty texts, deleting messages). I am a big believer in intuition. I wouldn’t be so quick to call yourself crazy.

Post # 4
Member
8707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

You do have some issues and it’s good you admit it. Give him some space but do tell him you are seeking help for your insecurities and trust issues and ask him if he would go to therapy with you. This isn’t something that just gets “fixed” so you’ll always need to keep yourself in check. I think you are doing the right thing in getting help but I also see why he is so upset. I would be infuriated if my husband snooped for any reason. Trust is what makes or breaks a relationship and without trust, you have nothing. Hopefully all works out in the end for you.

ETA: if I knew I would constantly be snooped on, I would delete messages too. I have nothing to hide but there needs to be reasonable boundaries in every relationship and I feel that keeping your nose out of my private conversations is more than reasonable. 

Post # 6
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

FutureMrsT1221:  I disagree with your intuition thing. If a man did the same thing, you’d be saying “red flag!”

OP, I’m glad you’re getting counseling. That sort of behavior can easily become abuse. It’s beyond amazing of you to actually get professional help to help you work with this and change your behavior. Whether or not you get him back, this will set you up for better relationships in the future. Good job. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

Just stop it. After paragraph one, would have dumped him! And please, never beg for a guy’s affection. Move on and find someone trustworthy.

Post # 8
Member
4828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

stupidmebee:  I think you learned a valuable lesson and you’re doing a good thing by seeing a counselor. I never ever feel the need to look at my DH’s phone. I leave my FB open all the time as well. No secrets and no hiding.

Post # 9
Member
8707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Give him a little time and space. I would probably consider forgiving my husband I’d he was in your position if I knew he was seriously and actively seeking help. It’s one thing to say “oh, I’ll never do it again. ” and another to say “I know I have trust issues and I am going to work on them with the help of <whomevers name here.>”

A cooling off period for both of you is very important right now. So just go easy on yourself. Reach out when you have a date to talk to a therapist so he can see you’re proactively taking care of yourself. 

Post # 10
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

However much you love this guy it takes two people to make the relationship work.  

In the meantime you have to get counselling for your trust issues and also for your sense of self worth.  You can start by working on not thinking of yourself as stupid (I’ve noticed your user name) and not blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in a relationship. 

 

Post # 11
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

stupidmebee:  I can totally understand being a little crazy when it comes to trusting. Even now, my relationship is a work in progress (on my side) to trust him – and my FH is completely (COMPLETELY!) trustworthy, I’m just a little batshit crazy I suppose. I don’t get overly aggressive with anything because, again, he never actually gives me a reason to. But, sometimes when he goes out with the boys, I do feel a bit jealous or concerned. When I start feeling that way, I have to stop myself and think because I know if he was unfaithful to me, it would eat him up and I could tell. He would not do that to me or anyone for that matter, he is a very loyal fella. So I know I’m being irrational. However, there have been guys I’ve been with before where my gut feeling was totally there. I think you just have to go with that – you’ll truly know if something’s up. 

Post # 12
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

stupidmebee:  Not crazy. If I had found flirty messages early on it would always be in the back of my mind. Although, I was also constantly lied to and cheated on by my ex, and I didn’t even realize it for a long time because I was so trusting. It took me a while with my FI, but I do know he would never do anything to hurt me. The trust will come eventually, and good for you for getting help!

Post # 14
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

stupidmebee: Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Many of us have issues around trust that come from nothing less than experience. It makes sense to look out for your interests and sometimes that involves being open to the possibility that our partners aren’t entirely trustworthy. Sometimes however we do more harm than good, reassure ourselves at the expense of the happiness of our partner or leaving them feeling like we will never trust them. The other extreme is no better though (trusting where there is no reason to trust), I suspect you’ll have seen that more than once on here. He may have had enough, you may have lots of issues to work through, but please don’t beat yourself up about it too much. It really sounds like you need to build up your selfesteem rather than tearing yourself down.

Post # 15
Member
6884 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

He’s being unreasonable keeping you in limbo like this. He won’t talk to you or touch you but booked a weekend getaway? He’s mean to the kids and won’t eat until after you’ve finished, and then requests you do things for him – like put his dinner in the oven? Sounds like he wants a mother and not a lover or a wife. Like you said – you have apologized and you’re seeking help. You know you have a problem (which he is the root of). Perhaps some couples counseling after your individual, but he sounds super stubborn and like someone that wouldn’t do well in counselling. 

And no, what he’s doing is not fair. Either he accepts your apology or he doesn’t. You have children. He shouldn’t make you miserable for weeks on end. He needs to get over it or tell you to leave – but instead he wants to have his cake and eat it to. Sounds like he’s using you.

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