Post # 1
Hello, longtime lurker, first post, and desperate.
My SO of 3 years and I are on the rocks and I need advice. The fault is entirely mine. I’m ashamed to say that I am rather suspicious and at times paranoid. I’ve had no real reason to be mistrustful of my SO, other than a few flirty text messages to another girl quite early on. He apologised, said it was a mistake and we moved on.
Kind of. I’ve always found it so hard to trust anyone, and I have to admit that every now and then I have looked at my SO’s phone at messages etc to see if there was anything else. There hasn’t been.
Last week however we got into a huge fight and he said that he feels like he’s living in a prison, that we weren’t working and that it was time to end it. I was so so sad and spent 2 days basically crying and begging him to reconsider. He eventually did and has been so wonderful to me.
Last night he was talking to friends via facebook and I was talking to him about something else. He got snappy (cos he was trying to talk to us both at the same time) but I took offence. I looked at his facebook messages later, but there weren’t any from that evening. I got upset thinking he must have deleted them and why would he do that if he didn’t have anything to hide. Rather than talk to him calmly or ask him, I snooped on his phone and caused another row.
Now he really is done with me. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid to throw away my last chance.
I’ve made an appointment at my doctor, hopefully I can be referred for some counselling for my trust issues, and I’m going to stay with family for a few days to give him space. I just hope he can see that i’m trying to be a better person, because I really do love him.
This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by stupidmebee.
Post # 2
Hmm. I don’t look at my FI’s phone or anything and I agree that you shouldn’t do that in a healthy relationship.
but obviously this guy had given you reasons to feel insecure (flirty texts, deleting messages). I am a big believer in intuition. I wouldn’t be so quick to call yourself crazy.
Post # 3
FutureMrsT1221: Sorry, I should have added that he didn’t delete them, they were a group message and he showed them to me after.
Post # 4
You do have some issues and it’s good you admit it. Give him some space but do tell him you are seeking help for your insecurities and trust issues and ask him if he would go to therapy with you. This isn’t something that just gets “fixed” so you’ll always need to keep yourself in check. I think you are doing the right thing in getting help but I also see why he is so upset. I would be infuriated if my husband snooped for any reason. Trust is what makes or breaks a relationship and without trust, you have nothing. Hopefully all works out in the end for you.
ETA: if I knew I would constantly be snooped on, I would delete messages too. I have nothing to hide but there needs to be reasonable boundaries in every relationship and I feel that keeping your nose out of my private conversations is more than reasonable.
Post # 5
Hyperventilate: I can honestly see why he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I’m so ashamed of myself and so sad for hurting him. He deserves better. I can only work on me, so it’s up to him whether he will work through it with me. I’m just so scared that he won’t ever want to know now.
Post # 6
FutureMrsT1221: I disagree with your intuition thing. If a man did the same thing, you’d be saying “red flag!”
OP, I’m glad you’re getting counseling. That sort of behavior can easily become abuse. It’s beyond amazing of you to actually get professional help to help you work with this and change your behavior. Whether or not you get him back, this will set you up for better relationships in the future. Good job. Good luck!
Post # 7
Just stop it. After paragraph one, I would have dumped him! And please, never beg for a guy’s affection. Move on and find someone trustworthy.
Post # 8
stupidmebee: I think you learned a valuable lesson and you’re doing a good thing by seeing a counselor. I never ever feel the need to look at my DH’s phone. I leave my FB open all the time as well. No secrets and no hiding.
Post # 9
Give him a little time and space. I would probably consider forgiving my husband I’d he was in your position if I knew he was seriously and actively seeking help. It’s one thing to say “oh, I’ll never do it again. ” and another to say “I know I have trust issues and I am going to work on them with the help of <whomevers name here.>”
A cooling off period for both of you is very important right now. So just go easy on yourself. Reach out when you have a date to talk to a therapist so he can see you’re proactively taking care of yourself.
Post # 10
However much you love this guy it takes two people to make the relationship work.
In the meantime you have to get counselling for your trust issues and also for your sense of self worth. You can start by working on not thinking of yourself as stupid (I’ve noticed your user name) and not blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in a relationship.
Post # 11
stupidmebee: I can totally understand being a little crazy when it comes to trusting. Even now, my relationship is a work in progress (on my side) to trust him – and my FH is completely (COMPLETELY!) trustworthy, I’m just a little batshit crazy I suppose. I don’t get overly aggressive with anything because, again, he never actually gives me a reason to. But, sometimes when he goes out with the boys, I do feel a bit jealous or concerned. When I start feeling that way, I have to stop myself and think because I know if he was unfaithful to me, it would eat him up and I could tell. He would not do that to me or anyone for that matter, he is a very loyal fella. So I know I’m being irrational. However, there have been guys I’ve been with before where my gut feeling was totally there. I think you just have to go with that – you’ll truly know if something’s up.
Post # 12
stupidmebee: Not crazy. If I had found flirty messages early on it would always be in the back of my mind. Although, I was also constantly lied to and cheated on by my ex, and I didn’t even realize it for a long time because I was so trusting. It took me a while with my FI, but I do know he would never do anything to hurt me. The trust will come eventually, and good for you for getting help!
Post # 14
- Wedding: A very pretty church.
stupidmebee: Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Many of us have issues around trust that come from nothing less than experience. It makes sense to look out for your interests and sometimes that involves being open to the possibility that our partners aren’t entirely trustworthy. Sometimes however we do more harm than good, reassure ourselves at the expense of the happiness of our partner or leaving them feeling like we will never trust them. The other extreme is no better though (trusting where there is no reason to trust), I suspect you’ll have seen that more than once on here. He may have had enough, you may have lots of issues to work through, but please don’t beat yourself up about it too much. It really sounds like you need to build up your selfesteem rather than tearing yourself down.
Post # 14
I just wanted tto post on update for anyone willing to read.
I went to the doctor who asked a lot of questions and I was very honest about everything. She told me to go get blood tests and come back in a week, and she put a referral in for counselling.
I stayed at my sisters for 3 days but I needed to go back as I work and all my things were at home, it just made no sense to sleep on a single mattress in my sisters spare room with my son while he had our house to himself. He had only messaged me to tell me when he would be out so I could get some things. I went home with my children on Sunday. He was pleasant to the kids (I have 2) but didn’t speak to me at all. I took the children to a movie in the afternoon and then cooked their dinner at home. I made enough for the 4 of us, but he wouldn’t eat with us and waited until we were finished before he ate what I had cooked.
He has text me during the day while I’m out at work, but continues to ignore me at home. He shouted at my son on Tuesday morning for not putting his shoes on when he told him to, so I told him that it was unacceptable to take his anger out on the children and they have been staying with my parents since then (school holidays). I asked him why he was continuing to be spiteful one minute and nice the next (we have a night out planned for Saturday 16th and told me he had booked our hotel, even though I assumed I wouldn’t be going anymore). He said that if he wasn’t going to try he’d have gone by now he was still upset and has nothing to say to me, and that he certainly couldn’t play happy families. He later text me at work to ask me to put his dinner in the oven as he would be home late.
I’m not just upset now, I’m angry. He is treating me like crap despite my apologising and taking positive action to deal with my issues. He has taken no action himself but behaves like a spoilt child throwing a tantrum. His attitude is not helping the situation and I am now starting to feel that I deserve better than this.
Do I just sit this out? Let him stew if that’s what he wants? How long for though. How long am I going to feel punished. There’s so much tension at home. And there has been no physical contact whatsoever, despite sleeping in the same bed (except last night I slept in my daughters bed). He says he wants to try but he treats me like he wishes I was dead. He clearly hates me so why continue this charade? I’m confused, anxious and feel sick all the time. I’ve lost 8lbs in 10 days and the doc is putting me on mild anti-depressants. I haven’t started counselling yet but I really need to speak to someone before I go crazy. Is what he’s doing to me fair? The doctor said that he wasn’t without blame in all this, but he doesn’t see it.
Post # 15
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
He’s being unreasonable keeping you in limbo like this. He won’t talk to you or touch you but booked a weekend getaway? He’s mean to the kids and won’t eat until after you’ve finished, and then requests you do things for him – like put his dinner in the oven? Sounds like he wants a mother and not a lover or a wife. Like you said – you have apologized and you’re seeking help. You know you have a problem (which he is the root of). Perhaps some couples counseling after your individual, but he sounds super stubborn and like someone that wouldn’t do well in counselling.
And no, what he’s doing is not fair. Either he accepts your apology or he doesn’t. You have children. He shouldn’t make you miserable for weeks on end. He needs to get over it or tell you to leave – but instead he wants to have his cake and eat it to. Sounds like he’s using you.