Post # 1
A thought crossed my mind as I wrote up a post just a moment ago, and I thought I’d poll the BEE!
My SO and I are likely to be long distance for school next year, starting August 2013. As of now, we are on the fast track to him earning a $20k signing bonus from the army within the next 6 months, so a ring would be easily feasible (as this army scholorship covers his school, board, and gives him a hefty allowance per month).
But. Would the bees suggest trying out long distance for a few months before we get engaged? Or get engaged before the long distance starts.
We are hoping that he’ll only be 3-4 hours away, but could possibly be all the way across the country from me. We may be long distance for only 5 months or for almost 2 years, depending on different factos.
Post # 3
So far five people have voted but I haven’t gotten any reasons… It’s one thing to have an opinion but the reasons are so much more effective!
Post # 4
my fiancé and I are long distance (I’m in DC and he is in Pittsburgh) We have been been long distance since I moved here in August and he just proposed on Oct 19 when I went to visit for his birthday. I can tell you that it is definitely not easy being apart especially if you are used to seeing each other a lot. But it can a work out if you are willing to work at it and have the patience to make it work. We will be long distance until the wedding in June. There are still days that I cry because I miss him so much (even with texting, Skype, Facebook and whatever else you can think of!) anyway, I hope this helps from one bee to another 🙂 if you love each other and trust that you will both keep that commitment then it will work. 🙂
Post # 5
I voted to see how long distance goes first…pretty much just because if your date is accurate you’re not getting married until 2015 anyways, there’s no pressing need to get engaged first. And I believe you guys have been together for a bit over a year, is that right? It seems to me that you haven’t been waiting a very long time (though I do know that once you’re waiting every month extra can feel like forever!)
I got engaged to my DH after a year and a half and we’ve happily been together for four years now with a little one on the way, so I’m not knocking the length of time you’ve been together at all – I’m just saying that I don’t see any harm in waiting. If he’s the one, he still will be even if you wait until you’ve been long distance for a bit.
Post # 6
@Wonderstruck: My bigger thing is saving money for a wedding. I don’t want my parents to have ANY say in what I’m doing for it (though his parents can, because they are accepting of my flaws more than my own parents are a lot).
I think honestly, some long distance would be a good thing, but at the same time… because we’re waiting (we’ve both decided sometime in summer of 2015, and at the very latest before april of 2017) it feels like it’s been so long!!
I definitely don’t want to get married until at least 2015 though, so there is that to consider.
Thanks bees! I like hearing the opinions, honestly.
Post # 7
@Cornmuffin09: I said it depends on other factors. In my last relationship we became long distance after we were engaged and it was the best thing that could happen to me. My father went to France (for his job) 25 years after staying together with mother. They stayed apart for 5 years and did very well. A couple I know are married and doing their PhD in two different continents. So I’d say that a couple can become LD at any point in their relationship. They don’t need a ‘test run’ before they are engaged. If they are both committed towards the relationship and have patience (and need an occasional breather from each other) then they can work it out like a poem.
Post # 8
Honestly, LDR is hard. It’s feasible – I’ve done between 4 hours and 12+ hours with now DH (6+ years of distance), so I believe it can work from experience. However, we’ve always said that our distance taught us better communication and now we know we can make it through anything!
It might be nice to have the assurance before the engagement…
Post # 9
I had a similar situation. I was in Michigan for about 10 months finishing an internship while FI was in D.C. I thought he was going to propose before we went long distance but that didn’t happen. He thought it would be weird is what he ended up telling me. And honestly it was so hard to be apart after 6 years basically living together (we had an apt together in undergrad, and i lived with his parents during grad school). but as soon as i was done, i moved in with him and he proposed 3 months later. couldnt be happier with where we are at today!
wish you the best as you prepare for this next adventure in your lives.
Post # 10
i say it doesn’t matter. you don’t have to let the distance play a factor.
you want to wait until 2015 to get married, right? when would you guys have wanted to get engaged if you weren’t going to different school situations? i don’t think you need to change the timeline because you will be apart.
if you feel ready to be engaged now, i say go for it! you don’t need to try out the LDR first.
but if you’re not ready, there is no reason to rush things. LDR can be hard, and you have to work at it, but the relationship won’t be magically more secure because you are engaged.
Post # 11
geez that’s hard to say! i know personally i wish i was already engaged because of the distance…it’s really hard. at the same time, with those kind of deep conversations you probably feel pretty secure already….i don’t know!
Post # 12
I think it might be good to try the long distance first and see how it goes; long distance (as I know from my own experience) magnifies any problems you have and forces you to deal with them with clarity and good communication. Or if they are huge issues that are being ignored when the couple is physically together, long distance will make those obvious and insupportable, and the couple usually breaks up in that situation. I’m not saying that you have any such problems, but I think this tends to happen IF there are big honking issues being ignored (I have a lot of friends here at grad school who have recently gone through the latter option, unfortunately). I’ve been dealing with the small problems my SO and I have by working on our communication skills. And luckily he’s only 3 hours away, so I see him pretty frequently, and we are still happy being a couple. (But gosh it’s HARD to be long-distance.)
I wanted to get engaged before coming to school, but it didn’t happen, and I’m actually kind of glad– I got here and had many, many doubts for a while, mostly just because of anxiety. –And if we had been engaged when I was feeling that way, I would have felt even more guilty about having doubts than I already did. We resolved the issues and are still happily together, but I feel that whenever someone goes away from their SO and does something big and time-consuming for themself, it may strain the relationship. And therefore it’s better to wait at least a few months into the LDR to get engaged, I think.
But, your emotional situation may be totally different than mine, so if you really want to get engaged before he goes to school, and you feel that will be best for your relationship, you should do so!
Post # 13
@Creiddylad: I think you are spot on, and I love you coming from experience and wisdom, that’s what I was really looking for. It also makes me feel better about talking to SO and discussing it more. I know he is fine with getting engaged before leaving, but it might be a better idea to wait, and I like that you (and other bees) were able to show that to me.
And yes, it’s still a year off from him leaving, but my head is swirling with distracting thoughts as finals come up for us.
ETA: I’m glad two people agree that Froot loops are the best cereal!
Post # 14
Is he planning on staying in the Army? You’ll need to see if you can survive deployments.
As a military almost-wife… it’s not easy. SO and I are almost always in a LDR because he is gone much more than he is home. He just got home yesterday and they attempted to redeploy him next week.
Definitely see if you can function apart before you guys get engaged. It’s rough — trust me, I wholeheartedly know. If it’s meant to be, you’ll both make it through. Trust each other, communicate often and clearly, and don’t assume the worst.
Post # 15
@Hyperventilate: He will be joining as a captain due to the scholorship that he’ll receive and has been assured that his wife will be able to go wherever he goes (because he is medical/dental personnel, it’s a bit different than just general army, though I won’t pretend I can understand everything right now).
But also, he isn’t planning on staying in the army now. He plans to do his four years and see what happens, but if he can find a civilian job, that’s what he would prefer, after those four years.
ETA: Wife being the key word, it’s why we said we wanted to get married before he would graduate in 2017.
ETA x 2: My step-sister’s dad was in the army, and still is part of the reserves and they yank him around like a naughty puppy on a leash sometimes. Ugh…
Post # 16
If it is a short LDR – both in time and distance – then sure, get engaged now. If it’s going to be a two year deal, then I wouldn’t get engaged now. Wait until it’s closer to the end. Trust me, LDR is tough. Doable, but tough.