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I've come across this topic lately and it has been sprouting up in my mind a lot.
What do you and your FI/SO/DH do to protect the foundation and longevity of the relationship? In other words, are you two taking it day-by-day, see what comes and rely on the fact you're in love? Or are you two educating yourselves and working on foibles that could harm the relationship?
How do you know you'll make it and why do you think you will? Or what are your doubts? If things are good today, what will keep them good tomorrow? In 10, 25, 35 years?
The other day, someone close to me said they have no doubt DH and I will "make it." I don't, either, because of what I'm doing now. But this person has no idea what I and DH as a pair are doing to protect our marriage. Just because we're "in love" and "love each other" now doesn't mean we can just cruise on through, but, on some level, that is assumed to be enough. We're not magical or different because we're happy now. Most everyone is this way once they marry/are about to.
So, what are you guys doing?
We have traditions:
every year for Valentines day we make a romantic gourmet dinner together, and eat it by candelight
We don't eat in front of the tv, instead we talk
We blow kisses over the phone
We always, always hold hands
We give real kisses, not pecks
We have a painfully honest clause. Even when it hurts (as in him politely telling me my breath isn't so great, and me telling him he was being a jerk to his co worker)
We excercise together
There are many, many more isms.
But more than anything else, for the past 5 plus years, we have been Best Friends.
We're always honest with each other about how we're feeling. If it's something big, normalish, or even small, we talk about it.
I tend to get irritated more easily than he does, but we're/mostly I'm working on being more kind at all times. It's something that's in progress, but progress is going well :).
This is a really interesting topic, I look forward to seeing more replies!
We are very open with each other. We try very hard to head off concerns before they become an issue. We are also very considerate and respectful of the other's feelings. We can each say "how will xxxx feel if i do xxxx" and be very honest with ourselves about it.
Since we first started dating we've made it a point to go out of town together (just the two of us) for a weekend at least once a quarter. This gives us time to get away and refresh ourselves as a couple.
@Bellagiobride: I really like your idea of setting up traditions. I think I may do that as well!
Thank you! It really does "protect" our relationship. It is an amazing way to preserve things. Even the small things, like I have a photo album with a picture from all five our anniversaries. It nice to have them on the computer, but there is something about the tangibilty of putting them in one place so that we can compare each year. We have really grown. Most importantly, traditions will give you both something to look forward to, and that will keep both hearts involved!
We have a lot of hobbies that we do together (concerts, video games, movies, exercise, etc)... and also things that we do apart, which I think is important too (he plays sports, I do crafts). We have great passions for the same things - music, for example - and while we do like some of the same kinds of music, we like other kinds that one another doesn't... but my FI says that, more importantly, we hate the same kinds of music ;)
We hold hands whenever we are out in public. We tell each other "I love you" and pay each other a compliment at least once a day. We have one night a week which is reserved for us spending time together (watching a movie, going for a long walk in the park, etc). We try to bond with each other's families. I have photos of every flower bouquet he's ever given me in our ten years together. We play with our two cats together every day. We shop for clothes together for children we don't even have yet.
They're all little things, but I cherish them more than anything :)
We have a lot of traditions and are honest with each other like pp have mentioned, but it's not something we explicitly talk about. I think I'll ask him about it today.
These are great ideas! I mentioned this thread to FI this morning and he said it's got him thinking.
With the stress of wedding planning and everything else, we've been neglecting each other a little bit, which seems to me totally counter-intuitive.
Some of the things we did to connect with the other before all of this stress: lots of hugging, touching, kissing, texting each other throughout the day, pet names, sharing inside jokes...
These have all kind of fallen by the wayside a little bit as the stress piles on. It will be fun to reconnect a little bit this way and to make sure we are "protecting" our relationship.
@HEB:I agree with you that love isn't enough to keep two people together.
My Husband always says he is unavailable to work on Friday. So we always have the evening to do something fun together or just relax.
We say we love each other a lot.
We always kiss and hug when one of us leaves the house.
We eat dinner at the table every night he's home.
We make sure to put each other first in everything.
I wave to him when he pulls out of the parking lot.
This is a great thread! Doing things to protect your relationship because relationships take work! We do quite a few things:
Say I love you every time we get off the phone/ leave / separate for any reason.
Go to the gym together.
We have actually had a conversation and promised each other that we are committed to this relationship and will work to change if the other person is unhappy with something.
We don't live together yet so we talk every day and include the other person in our plans for the day and what we're doing.
We have pet names for each other.
We compliment each other more.
What a great thread. Even the most solid relationships need work. FI and I:
-We make "Breakfast for Dinner" on special occasions such as birthdays, anniversarys, valentine's day, etc.
-We are training for a marathon together which gives us so much time together and we really need to be each other's strength during difficult runs
-We try and take a 'big' trip once a year, with several little getaways throughout the year
-We keep in contact throughout the day through email/text/phonecalls..just a quick hello and I love you
-We spend a lot of time together with our dog, going for walks, dog park, spoiling him, etc.
-Respecting each other's interests also helps our relationship. He can golf his heart out, and I can DIY/craft. When we come back together afterwards we're both happy!
-We try and go out with couple friends once a week. Being out in public with him makes me happy...when he holds my hand, puts his hand on my back, etc... just that small connection keeps us strong.
@missbeachbum:kind of off topic, but I was just wondering what I was going to cook for dinner...and breakfast it is!
Hahaha I love breakfast for dinner! It's something we never think to do until a special event comes up. We go all out - hashbrown casserole, bacon, cinnamon buns, omelettes, creamscicle juice drink.... okay now I'm trying to figure out what special event I can invent to make this tonight!!! lol
We're definitely honest with each other. If my boyfriend is irritating me, I'll flatout tell him. I don't want to push my feelings aside and then end up resenting him down the road.
We also spend the time before we go to sleep talking and cuddling. It's a really important part of our day to both of us.
We also do a lot of mundane things together, like going grocery shopping or spending a few hours cleaning the apartment really well.
@missbeachbum:you're making me hungry! Today's sunday...the "family" day of the week. celebrate that! lol
Communication and Compromise. It's that simple, and yet that hard. If either of us has a problem with one another, we talk it through and figure it out until we come to some type of agreement and/or compromise. I'll admit, I'm difficult to open up when there's something bothering me, but FI knows this and therefore he will wait and will not give up until I spill. And sometimes, vice versa as well.
Another point, when I say talk, I mean TALK and not yell, scream or go ballistic on each other. It's always a civilized discussion, that may get heated sometimes, but we've never become violent verbally or physically with each other. Both of us has seen that (I grew up in an environment with screaming and yelling) and want nothing to do with it.
Of course, our everlasting love and care for each other fuels our relationship, but we both agree that the two C's are what has and will keep it strong.
I'm just training my husband not to be too much of a guy and he's catching on. I think we'll be alright lol
we tell each other we love them a number of times per day and we never ever leave the house without a kiss and say i love you
we spend time together. a lot of time and share interests.... just finished 3 weeks of 24/7 of togetherness and have already planned our next 2 vacations
i remind myself that somedays when im moody/grumpy/pms'ing i treat my coworkers or friends better than i treat my spouse and thats not fair, he deserves better than that just because i know he loves me and puts up with my crap
i encourage him to do the things his parents never did - simple stuff like swimming and music or helicopter lessons, i generally say why not and support his dreams
@eloping: I am so bad about that! I'm super critical of people I'm close to, and get much snarkier with them than with random people at work or school. It really gets FI down. I know it's something I need to work on. :(
I echo the thoughts of others. We communicate. Being in a LDR has really helped that. We always talk on the phone at least 6 days out of the week. We've talked through when we're frustrated, angry, or sad/upset. I am normally a person who hates arguments, but I'm not afraid to argue with him. I trust that we will work out the problem.
We push each other to be better people. He helps me stay on track with exercising and eating better (both of these have been downfalls my entire life), and I listen when he has a frustrating day at work.
We also do special things for each other. He will drop a card in the mail to me at random spots throughout the year. We take advantage of date nights when we get to see each other, yet support each other's interests. We spend time with each other's families, yet we make sure we have the space we need to just be "us".
I didn't intend that love isn't enough. The quotations were kinda poking at how most think of love...as something they have no control over, or that being "in love" comes and goes.
Love is a choice, plain and simple, and is always enough. Love will say and do what needs to be said and done. It is selfless, forgives, understands, has patience, tenderness, and great, great heart. There is no "I love him, but..." You're either loving or you're not. Most think of love as too fleeting and somethingt hat comes and goes. It simply is not. The majority of parents do not stop loving a small child or turn their back on them (some do, of course, and my hearts go out to them). Each of us, on some level, is that small child who needs love and protection; we're vulnerable. No one wants to be hurt or left out in the cold, they want to feel good, enjoyed, etc.
I can control me only. DH must control himself and renew his mind to love, I can't do that for him. This is a standard for us, however, that we simply agree to adhere to. We learn to let go of negative emotions and hurt. Never do we intentionally hurt the other person; what a crime against our relationship and their heart! I am his helpmate, and he mine. We lovingly talk about our needs. Sometimes personal needs aren't met, yet the other person still gives. It is not 50/50. I give 100%, he gives 100%.
I adore this man with every fiber of my being. I cherish him and so respect his heart, the capacity for him to be human. Imperfections and all, hurt and all, I want to love him the way he needs and wants to be loved. I want to be loved that way in return, but either way, I'll still love him because I have committed to it. He deserves the world and all of my efforts. Love is always enough - it covers.
Cuddling a lot, watching a lot of TV together (we have our favorite shows), and talking all.the.time. We are late for everything because we start talking about things and lose track of time. On weekends, instead of going all over the place and being out, we like to stay in and hang out together, usually in the same room doing different things.
@nontraditionalmiami: "I'm just training my husband not to be too much of a guy and he's catching on. I think we'll be alright lol"
What exactly do you mean by this? It kinda sounds to me that you're asking him to bend and change to you while there may not be the same bending on your part. Do you think he will eventually resent being "trained"? I don't mean to be rude, and I understand that your post may have been a joke, but your comment really worries me and truthfully sounds like the oppositte of something that would "protect" your relationship.
@melodicsighs1: - training to me means conveying that dribbling pee on the bathroom floor is not acceptable. I love him but I cannot accept that type of behavior and yes i am asking him to change that behavior.
Out of respect to me and my socks, he has made it a point to keep all urine in the toilet and off of the floor. And if a drop or two gets away from him, he wipes it up.
He also asks certain things of me. I think me doing his laundry in exchange for him being mindful of not treating our home like a bachelor pad is a fair trade he is delighted to sign up for.
@CherryWaves: I absolutely agree with communication and compromise.
We make a point to say "thank you" a lot, even for the small things, like when he takes out the trash, or I cook dinner, or he gets up before me to make the coffee so he can bring me a cup in bed (I might sometimes be a little bit cranky before I have a cup in the morning, lol). It helps us both feel appreciated, even for the small everyday things.
We also have a nightly ritual. We spend 20-30 minutes every night in bed, lights off, thinking about and sharing the best parts of our day. Sometimes it's a small thing, like a particularly good cup of coffee, or playing with our cats, and sometimes it's simply the act of lying together in the dark, without any distractions, sharing our day with each other. And we fall asleep thinking about all the good things that happened, instead of the bad, and I swear I sleep better because of it.
This sounds so unromantic, but splitting up the chore list has done wonders for our relationship! lol.
Like many of the other Bees have said, we try to be as affectionate as possible, we always kiss and say I love you upon leaving. When he travels we always talk for an hour or so before we go to bed. Nicknames are important to us, as are inside jokes. Cuddling before bed time. Compromise is vital to our success because we are both very stubborn and head strong. Making a promise to never raise our voices or curse at each other.
I'm going to disagree with this thread & say that thier aren't necessarily "things" you can do to give your relationship some type of insurance.
You do the best you can, you use the golden rule, and you try to take life in stride. Life has no insurance.
open communication
honesty
holding hands/being intimate/showing affection that the other person desires
exchanging goals
exchanging letters each anniversary that we wrote to each other the year before
excercising together
cooking together
building each other up publicly, supporting each other privately
yea i think this thread is overthinking things a little bit. don't forget, they are MEN, ladies.
just make sure you continue to have sex with them from time to time and don't completely abandon looking sexy, and i'm pretty sure you won't have any problems. LOL
We have fun and play jokes on each other.
We hold hands anytime we are next to each other.
We always make up within 20 minutes after a disagreement.
We make sure to say we love each other throughout the day either via text or verbally.
We make sure to watch our favorite shows together at night...and if one person isn't home to watch it, we will record it and wait to watch it together.
Life has no guarantees indeed, or that despite effort, things are sure to last. It could all implode tomorrow. There are oodles of things we can do, however, to increase the chances of success and decrease hurt. They are men, sure...human beings, needing specific things, not all of them alike, etc. Knowing who you're with and what makes them feel loved and valued is important. I take that rather seriously when it comes to my marriage...I want to know I've done all I can to help us as a unit. Or to simply help my husband in life.
@nontraditionalmiami: "yea i think this thread is overthinking things a little bit. don't forget, they are MEN, ladies.
just make sure you continue to have sex with them from time to time and don't completely abandon looking sexy, and i'm pretty sure you won't have any problems. LOL"
Okay, I really don't mean to be picking on the things you say specifically, but honestly - really? Yes, they're men. But they're also human beings. Relational beings. I really don't think having a sexy sex partner every night is the only thing your husband signed up for or was looking for when he decided to marry you. There are so many factors that go into a relationship and so many ups and downs that a couple goes through. Love is an action - and something that your work on to build up each and every day.
I think you're taking her a little too seriously. She happens to take a more light hearted approach to this topic, which I like, because it was frankly starting to get a little too earnest in this thread. I highly doubt that making sure her polish isn't chipped and her ass looks good in jeans is her entire approach toward her marriage, she's just not approaching this like her relationship is a seminar that needs to be taught to others.
@ohheavenlyday: I understand that her comments are meant to come off as jokes or "light hearted", but I don't think that protecting the most important relationship in your life is a joking matter. Sure, everyone's relationship is different and so portraying your own as a "seminar that needs to be taught to others" is silly, but I don't think women getting together to share what they and their husbands do to stay in love and continue to build and protect their own personal relationship is a seminar or too serious or too earnest in any way.
I wouldnt say that anything me and my FI do is there to "protect" our relationship. Its just what we do. Its just in our nature to have fun with each other. Im hoping that most of the above posters dont conscioulsy have to do these things like kissing and saying I love you, the question kinda makes it sound like you have to fight for your relationship. And maybe sometimes you do!
I guess you could say bringing up any issue. And maintaining very regular contact in an LDR. Those are the only things that would "protect" the relationship, everything else just... is.
@beebee89: I'd say that, yes, most of the things are things that you naturally do for each other because you love them, but I do think it's important to be conscious of the fact that your relationship is important and to not ever take it for granted.
I don't really think about doing anything to "protect" our relationship. I do, however, think that it's important to be always working at a relationship.
We spend time together and try to have time out from talking about the wedding.
We make an effort to be interested in the other's interests.
We discuss issues long before we expect them to come up, i.e. how we want to bring up any children, where we want to move to next.
We met in such a way that secrets that would have troubled a lot of other couples were out in the open from the off, so I believe that openness will protect us in the future.
@melodicsighs1: sweetie, laughter is one of the most important things in life and marriage! i'm sorry if my jokes are too much for you. i just think the thread was a little much. i guess to answer the question honestly...i make my husband laugh on a daily basis. seems to do the trick.
and thank you ohheavenly for "getting me".
@nontraditionalmiami: Oh don't worry, I laugh. A lot. In fact, laughter is also one of the most important parts of my marriage. Your particular jokes, though, seem to make light of the importance of your relationship and I really don't appreciate it when people put men (especially their husbands) into a box and claim all they care about is sex. If that were true they would never get married.
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