Post # 1
I’ve read that couples who live together first are much more likely to get divorced. As I stated in another recent thread, FI & I have lived together for over 5 years. It does worry me that we could be one of the statistics.
While we’re very much in love & inseperable now, it breaks my heart to think we could possibly grow apart. I hate to imagine that at some point we will have to work hard at our marriage & strain to remember why we fell in love in the first place.
FI makes me SO mad sometimes. Case in point: this morning he sold his year old xbox w/ about 30 games for $200. I am VERY angry at him right now. He had asked for $275 & some guy manages to gyp him down to $200. I’m mad because FI is so easily swayed & people easily take advantage of him. Is this the sort of stupid crap I will have to put up w/ for life??
I’m just wondering, does anyone else have any fears before the big day? Not 2nd guessing marriage, but just worried about things that can/will happen down the road.
Post # 3
I have a big fear of changing my last name because I feel I won’t be me anymore. I’ll be someone new. Some peopl think I’m strange for thinking this way but there are others that know what I’m talking about.
My FI does some of the most annoying things too and is like a doormat. He has a hard time saying no to people and they take advantage of him. But you know what, no one is perfect. He won’t change, have to learn to compromise with each other. We’re starting group counselilng next month and I really hope it helps us otherwise we will have a very rocky marriage.
I wish you the best of luck. Try counseling, what’s the worst it can do?
Post # 4
Marriage is hard and is like having a full time job. You have to work at it everyday. I have a fear of growing apart but I think that’s natural. I live with my Fiance and he drives me crazy sometimes but I know he is not going to change. You have to accept who the other person is. Remember that there are probably things that drive him nuts about you.
Post # 5
DH has serious family issues that we argue about a lot. I worry that one day it’ll get too much and he’ll side with them. But I also know that I will do everything I can to work stuff out before we do anything rash. I think there’s fear in any good relationship – as a society we’ve been told that anything that’s too good to be true probably is – so we don’t ever expect to have the perfect relationship. So when things go really well, we worry. When things go badly, we worry. We just generally worry.
Post # 6
@CaraMia10: Miss Seashell posted this on the blog back in July and it talked about cohabitation. In her post (and I imagine, in her capacity as a marriage and family therapist) she said:
“The statistic that I do want to speak to is that couples who live together before marriage are doomed to a higher divorce rate. I have good news for those of us living in sin:
If you have only lived with your husband/wife before marriage your likelihood of divorce is actually LOWER!In fact, the number is 28% versus 50% as compared to the general population.
What’s that you say, Miss Seashell? This means that serial cohabitators do run a higher divorce risk. They are the ones that have been driving the statistics up. Think about it, it makes sense. People who have lived with multiple partners are used to moving in, breaking up, moving out, and starting over. Those are the ones who are statistically at risk.”
Post # 8
@MsTerrapin Thank you for sharing this!
Post # 9
My DH is VERY bad at negotiating too 🙂 He once no lie bougt a Xmas tree from the street seller for askign price which was clearly WAAAY more than it was worth and everyone knows you ahve to haggle those people. I just stood there and kept my mouth shut and when we got home I teased him about it at which point he actually realized he was ripped off.
The way I see it is it’s one of those things where you pick your battles and only step in if it’s something big, like selling your house. We both know I’m much better at negotiating, so he usually backs down if we’re both present and lets me handle it. But the only time I would put my hand over his mouth is when we’re negotiating the price of our home with a potential buyer through a realtor.
Post # 10
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has fears. Like I said, it definitely is not like “I don’t think I want to get married after all”.
I try to remind myself what both of us are like, that I am not going to change him (and that he can’t change me) and we accept eachother and love eachother.
@MsTerrapin: Yes, thank you for posting this! It did help put my mind @ ease 🙂 Neither of us have lived w/ a SO before.
Post # 11
@MsTerrapin: that makes total sense. luckily i have only lived with FI 🙂
right now my biggest fear is getting through the actual wedding ceremony. i hate being the center of attention and felt like i was having a panic attack while standing up as the MOH at my friend’s wedding. but as for the future….i know that there will be rough patches along the way, and it would be silly to think we’ll never fight. but he understands me in a way that no one else in the world does, and i have never felt more myself than when i’m with him. i’d rather be happy and in love and married and have to weather a few storms, than to be alone. we always like to say that neither of us is perfect…but we’re perfect for each other. hopefully we’ll still be saying the same thing for decades to come 🙂
Post # 12
I LOVE that statistic about living together! That makes me feel much better! I think it is great that we lived together before hand and wouldnt have felt comfortable taking the next step if we hadnt but I always had that nagging statistic hanging out in the back of my head!
I think (actually I hope) worrying about marriage is natural and hopefully a sign that you take it seriously. I worry about it all of the time. I worry I am making a mistake and marrying the wrong person- not that there is anything wrong with our relationship but still I worry. I think it is just such a huge step and fear of the unknown is what scares me. You just never know what the future holds and that is scary whether it is deciding on a new job or who you will marry!
Post # 13
btw i didn’t mean to sound so sappy! i agree that if you don’t worry and think these things through, then you probably aren’t taking seriously enough one of the biggest steps you will take in your life. you just have to realize that in the end, it is worth it to take this huge, scary step! (or realize that it’s not worth it, and get out of there!!)
Post # 14
@jtsing: You made me laugh! It probably is not a laughing matter, but it got a chuckle out of me 🙂
@moderndaisy: I have such a hard time controlling myself sometimes. I have a much stronger personality than FI. While I do like to people please, I do NOT let others take advantage of me; he does and it drives me insane. Sometimes it’s much easier for me to yell & bitch, but I trying to remind myself that it helps neither of us. I find that he’s starting to get a little more assertive but I think we both have a long ways to go.
pb & mrstillman: You ladies totally hit the nail on the head! It’s scary to think this is all so final. I feel I am 100% ready, but it’s scary none-the-less.
Post # 15
I’m trustworthy to a fault. I feel guilty about EVERY SINGLE thing, so I get taken advantage easily and I do get hurt and frustrated at myself often which frustrate him to no end. I’m also really forgetful and careless with my things, money and material things..so I lose it all the time. I know this annoys FI but he chalks it up to me being innocent and cute (in which case I get hugs and kisses). I got lost in Chinatown and going grocery shopping (I forgot to take my phone with me and we got separated…true story!) in which case we spent hours looking for each other.
He’s so patient and sweet right now..but i’m afraid that patient would thin…
Post # 16
Having to share so much so often!
I’m used to making all the calls in my life; he’s used to doing the same in his own.