Post # 1
So last night my boyfriend FINALLY admitted that he is ready to talk about marriage. We have always danced around the subject before, and he said this was because I would always get so emotional over not being engaged yet (and would often break down in tears) that this just deterred him from talking about it. He thought that because I got so upset that I just didn’t want to talk about it at all. I explained to him that I never felt like I could talk to him about it because it seemed like he would run away from the topic, but that I’ve wanted to have these serious discussions with him for quite awhile now.
So… he wants to talk about two things: (1) He said that we need to discuss the three major topics that everyone needs to discuss before getting married: sex, money, and kids. Like thoughts on what your expectations are and if you think things will change once becoming engaged/married, etc. (2) He wants to know why I’m so ready to be engaged/married and why I feel like I can’t wait. He will also explain to me why he feels that he is not ready. It sounds like he has quite a few fears about how things might go if we get married, and I think he wants to know if I have any fears too. (One of my books about waiting said something along the lines of how he wants to feel that his fears are rational and that he is not alone in having them and that he is still accepted even though he has these fears.)
I’m pretty excited to finally be able to talk to him (we have set aside a day early next week to do so), and I think this could be a step in the right direction. But suddenly I feel like I have so much thinking to do so that I say the right things to him and get my feelings across properly.
I’m going to make a list of all my thoughts that I want to get across to him, but then I realized that I have never fully sat back and looked at my own thoughts and views to seriously think, “why DO I want to get engaged so desperately right now?” and “what are my true fears about marriage?” I don’t think I fully had my answers before so now I’ve got some thinking to do. I realized a lot just lying in bed last night, and I’m happy to say that it didn’t change my feelings for wanting to get engaged NOW. I just wish that he would change his mind and propose already!
So I was wondering what fears you ladies have about marriage? Also, when you get right down to it, why are you sick of waiting and why are you ready to be engaged NOW?
Post # 3
Wow, your guy seems really serious, almost like a robot. You stated that he is not ready to get engaged and whenever the conversation was brought up before you would get defensive. Discussing future engagement, in my opinion should not turn into an argument. Please try to control your emotions when you two have the conversation. If he is not ready, what are you going to do? Will you stay, leave?
I am sick of waiting because we have been together for 3 years now, live together, but most importantly we expressed our commitment to one another. In my eyes all is left is the proposal. In all truthfulness I hold the commitment higher than the proposal so I do not have to get engaged NOW, but it would be NICE to get engaged soon.
Post # 4
(Even though some of these are not all “good” answers, they are honest answers)
Some of my fears are: -Us changing or growing apart over the years. -That one of us will find someone else that we love more. -That due to his personality/behaviors, children will be very stressful for him.
Why I want to be engaged: -To show others that we are serious in our relationship. -To make a solid commitment to each other. -Because I have been waiting and want to get planning already (as in: he has said we were get married, and I’m waiting on the fulfillment of his word)
Post # 5
I think it’s good that he wants to discuss those important matters – but if he’s already freaked now good luck making it to pre maritial councelling. Or maybe you could consider this pre-pre marital councelling! Good luck!
I think the things we learned while preparing for marriage were: that it’s important to show your love, build each other up publically, be on the same page, show your appreciation and be able to say you were wrong and sorry.
Post # 6
wow – that is precisely how i feel!
Post # 7
Ooh sounds like you two are in a good place – he might not be ready yet, but he is willing to talk and is open to the idea so it is a great opportunity to get your thoughts across to him – and hopefully convince him to your thinking!
My biggest fear with marriage is not that it won’t work out… is that we may grow apart. We do have very different interests and at the moment we make time for each others hobbies, but as the years go on and we get busier, will we still be able to?
He asked me once why I wanted to marry him so badly, and I really struggled with a good answer!
Obviously, I love him. I want the opportunity to show people that we are committed to each other, I want to know that he is that committed to me. I see marriage as the commencement of our own ‘family’ and a signal that we should start thinking about if/when we have kids. (We are both in the maybe camp for kids… we are likely to have some fertility issues so we knew pretty early on that kids may not be in our future and we have our peace with come what may)
I think finding good reasons for why you want to get married are really hard… for me it is just this feeling, I have met the man I want to be with forever and I want to share that feeling with everyone else. I want people to know our happiness.
Good luck with the talk!
Post # 8
PinkBubbleGum, you took the words right out of my mouth!!!
@Purplebee: Your guy sounds like he’s put a lot of thought into this, and that’s wonderful! Hope you guys have a great talk, good luck!
Post # 9
@PinkBubbleGum: Such a great way to put both fears and reasons for wanting to be engaged. I think everyone has the fear of growing apart or finding love with someone else once married. My parent’s marriage ended in divorce due to affairs so that is something I will always fear happening to me no matter how much my logical mind tells me my guy would never do that. As for why I want to get engaged and married, 1) I feel like it’s almost a disservice to our relationship to be labeled “boyfriend/girlfriend”. I want to be able to introduce him as my fiance and have a outward display of our committment to eachother. 2) We have also talked about kids and we know we want 2 (maybe 3) kids with about 2 years between each birth. But we also both want to be able to enjoy a retirement together and want to be done with having children, if possible, by 30 or 31. We are turning 24 next year so we have plenty of time for the whole kids thing, but I’d like time to just enjoy married life with him before we start our family. 2.5) I would be WAY less stressed if I we did accidently start a family now. 3) I love him, know he’s the one for me, and don’t see a reason for waiting. We are financially stable, especially when compared to others our age, both have jobs (although mine just pays for my grad school tuition + about $1500/month), and aren’t planning on moving anytime soon. So for me, there is no reason NOT to be engaged/planning a wedding at this point.
Anyway, those are just my reasons. It does sound like your guy is taking this talk very seriously and I definitely think that is a positive sign. I hope it goes really well for you and that you both are able to understand eachother’s state of mind a lot better afterwards!
Post # 10
Your questions really got me thinking about why I want to get engaged now and I had a little mini revelation about my relationship. I want to be engaged/get married to show the world/solidify our status as a family. He fits perfectly with my family, and I love being with his. We are each others support, for lack of a better work cheerleader and so much more. I can’t imagine life without him and am just ready to make if official.
What makes me nervous is our different visions for the future. He has a very white picket fence, live in this town forever and raise a family dream for our future. My dream is almost the same, but includes seeing the world. He doesn’t really travel and finds it a little bit stressful; whereas I can’t stop fantasizing about all the places I want to experience. He wants me to travel, but doesn’t necessarily want to do it with me. I can’t decide if that is incredibly generous or something to be nervous about. My opinion right now is that it is a blessing because we can have our shared dream and I can still indulge my love of culture.
Post # 11
Its so great that you and your Fiance aare going to ahve this discussion.
I want to get married because Ive always wanted to(my kids name’s have already been picked out..lol) As far as why i want to marry Fiance specifically? We’ve been together over 3 years (it will be 4 exactly on our weding day) and have already decided that we want to be together and so there is no need to wait. Might as well jump on board and start recieving some of those benefits 🙂 I love him and he is my best friend and so we shall be together forever. Fiance has also always jsut imagined himself being married even before we met.
I dont really have to many fears about marriage. Fiance and I have talked about alot of those hard subjects(money,sex,children,religion) already and we both have pretty much the same idea of how we would like for things to go. My main fear I guess is that one of us will change and our personalities wont mesh…thus driving us apart.
Post # 12
The only thing I’m really scared of is I’m worried that ‘spark’ will go away. We’ve been together 5 years already, and the spark has slightly fizzled. But trust, loyalty and comfort replace the spark. I just don’t want to get so comfortable that we don’t care about the sizzle in our relationship. Something I have learned though is you have to continue to work on it to keep the spark. Good luck in your relationship!
Post # 13
My fears about marriage are similar to everyone else’s: growing apart and falling in love with someone else – I can’t imagine either of those happening to us (unless Prince Harry came along and proposed, haha) but I bet a lot of divorces involve people who never thought those things would happen to them either. I’ll add a lot of arguing to the list because we hardly ever argue and I get extremely stressed over confrontation, so if our marriage turned into a lot of fighting it would be hard to deal with.
I’m eager to be married because I love him, quite simply, and I love the idea of knowing someone is willing to stick by you through anything (even a Prince Harry proposal, probably). I want to start our little family – no kids for awhile, I’m just talking about things like a puppy, a Christmas tree, our vegetable garden. He’s my best friend (perhaps tied with my mom, and I’m sure that’s unhealthy but oh well). He makes me laugh every day, we take care of each other, and there is nothing I love more than our taco nights (hence the name), where we stay in, put on some sweatpants, make dinner, get comfy on the couch and just talk 🙂 *Edit: I also want to add that, once we do have babies, I think he’s going to be an absolutely wonderful, fun, silly, awesome dad.
Thinking about what I’m eager for puts the fears to rest. Nothing is guaranteed in life – things could go wrong. But it’s about having faith in your partner and believing that they are the person you want to share your joys and sorrows with.
Good luck with your talk, I think it’s wonderful that you two are sitting down and thinking this through!
Post # 14
My fears about marriage is that we may not have enough time for each other down the line. I mean I’m going to be going back to school eventually after we get married and it can be stressful and hard. I just plan on making time for us. The reason I want to marry him and it’s cheesy is due to an old but true saying. You know when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you want it to start as soon as possible. Well that’s exactly how I feel but on the other hand I need to get some things in order first. I need to finish school and get a job before I get engaged let alone married. Still can’t wait til the day I do those things, then it won’t be long.
Post # 15
I would turn the question back to him and ask why he wants to have that discussion if he doesn’t want to get married? Because the homework he gave you sounds a little manipulative, like he’s trying to make you think that you are actually crazy for wanting to get married and your feelings are unwarranted. Just make sure that his discussion is mutually beneficial and he will work on why he DOESN’t want to get married if you have to work on why you DO. Because you can easily go back to him and make a case for why it’s normal for two people in love to want to make this kidn of commitment to each other forever, it happens every day. And he should really question why he doesn’t.
And to answer your question my fear about marriage was and always will be the fact that no one can predict the future and nothing is guaranteed.