Post # 1
I’ve finally got back into the dating pool after ending a 3 year relationship. I’ve had some time to myself and I realized I’m not the same woman I was 3 years ago. I want and look for different things in a partner. I’m gulity of X’ing men left and right lately because I’m SOOOO picky. After being in a 3 year crappy relationship I have ZERO tolerance for BS. We’re all familiar with the ‘list’ when it comes to dating to find a long term partner. I wanted to hear you ladies opinions on what are your list of non-negotiables or if you even believe in having a list. I don’t want to be the lady single with 30 cats that passed on the person God had for me because I was being picky, but I don’t want to be a walk over either and end up in another crappy relationship. Help me out PLEASE bees!!!!
What are your list of non-negotiables or if you even believe in having a list?
Post # 3
i had a list of what i wanted. i dont believe anything is totally set in stone. my only non negotiables were no smoking cigarettes, preferred no children but i was flexible with one child, no criminal background, have a job and is fully capable of taking care of his self, not living with roomates. its good to be picky. you will know it when you find it. i wanted someone tall but i ended up with a 5’6 lol. so that was negotiable for the right person.
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
I think each individual should be judged on his own merit, but clearly there are some out-of-the-question things, like hardened criminals, etc, but I doubt I’d ever find myself in that position anyway. I personally think women are making a mistake to exclude men with children, divorced men, men who didn’t finish college, men with black hair, etc.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Most importantly, someone always kind to me and others.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
@mrsSonthebeach: +1 it’s good to keep an open mind in most things, but stuff like drug abuse, violent, criminals etc. is common sense no negotiable list material.
Post # 7
When I met my fiance I had a few things on my list. No drug users, no rude guys, no guys without a job (or at least actively looking for a job) no BS from him. That’s about it.
I did require that the guy match my moral values, and found the guy as soon as I hit the “market” he’s so great. Morrally we are perfect together, every day things we are opposite so we balance eachother out really well
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
3. Contrasting views in terms of race relations, gay rights, feminism, and other rights/tolerance issues.
I think those are my only deal breakers 🙂
Edit: Oh I forgot, if he doesn’t like at least one or the other of cats or dogs, then we won’t last!
Post # 9
Of course you should have some non-negotiables! At the very least, being an ethically good person shouldn’t be negotiable. Here are mine:
– Shares my ethical standards (on his own, not because I told him so) and lives up to them
– Treats people well, including himself
– Overall an optimistic and happy person – I won’t date a downer
– Intellectually curious – will never respond to “let’s find out!” with “why bother?”
– Likes to talk about history, philosophy, literature, art, and science
I think I have pretty stringent non-negotiables actually.
Post # 10
The key for some issues mentioned above is if they are willing to change if there’s something that really bothers you. My ex was involved in a few things I had a VERY hard time dealing with, so he made huge efforts to get himself out. I broke up with him anyways, for different reasons, but now he’s doing great. Don’t give up on someone just because they aren’t what you consider ideal – but here I’m talking about changeable things like jobs, smoking, drugs, NOT personal traits like being violent. I wouldn’t put up with that.
The only dealbreaker I could imagine at this point is if my SO suddenly decided he didn’t want children.
Post # 11
No smoking, wants marriage, wants kids
Post # 12
I had several ABSOLUTE nonnegotiables:
1. Must be nonreligious.
2. Must be socially liberal; if a participant in American politics must vote Democrat.
3. Must not be a substance abuser; must not smoke cigarettes at all (I am allergic).
The other things regarding personality, etc, I don’t really consider “nonnegotiables” because I wouldn’t get along romantically with someone who didn’t meet whatever nebulous criteria I have for that. But those three things are the things where I could mess up and have in the past that would, in the end, be dealbreakers.
Post # 13
Really the only deal-breaker was that he had to want marriage and children. There are things like violent, drug/alcohol abuse (and not willing to seek treatment), and liberal minded that would likely be deal breawhere but I can’t see a romantic relationship lasting with someone like that anyway.
Post # 14
@aggie2010: This. Especially #3. My worst nightmare in a relationship is having to explain to my SO why certain things affect me. Made the mistake once of dating a “it happened a long time ago, we’re past it” hipster racist in my youth… UGH!
Post # 15
@MrsVMT: My sister has a tall list of standards. And if a man doesn’t meet just one, she places him in the penalty box lol This is what kept me single for years too. My advice to you is not to set any standards of him that you can’t meet or exceed. Be as humble and as positive as possible. Take things VERY VERY VERY….SLOW. I cannot emphasize that enough.
Best of luck!
Post # 16
My dealbreakers were/are:
1. Alcohol or drug abuse
2. Tobacco use
4. Unhealthy lifestyle (e.g. eating nothing but junk food, not exercising at all)
5. No Republicans (this wasn’t a dealbreaker until 2000 when the party went batshit)