- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years now, and since our engagement have been dealing on and off with trouble from his side of the family. He was 27 when we married (and I was 23) but because we were married only a year after we met, his parents were not happy with the wedding. I understand it may be fast for most people, but we fell into the most amazing kind of love, and were so excited to get married to each other. We are still crazy about each other and both know it was the right decision.
About the same time his only brother started dating a new girl. Although I tried to be nice to her she was very rude to me right off the bat. The first night we met her we went to my BIL's apartment for pizza and she put her headphones in her ears and refused to speak to us. His parents however, are completely fooled by her and think she is wonderful. They moved in together very quickly, and told us, but lied to his parents about it. Because we felt like it wasn't our place to tell his parents we were forced to keep up the lie. Since then there have been various lies to his parents, some that are completely foolish (like that she is the head accountant at a major casino...even though she doesn't have any accounting experience or training) all of which they believe.
When they got engaged his parents through her a 'welcome to the family engagement party'. I was hurt, as they didn't throw anything for me or even welcome me into the family. After a while I chose to let it go. When her parents came to town they invited them over for dinner to get to know them before the wedding. Again I was hurt because even though my parents have offered to see them numerous times they refused and have never done the same for my family. Now they are married with a baby on the way (which they concieved prior to being married and his parents were fine with it even though we got married too quickly for their conservative values) and there has since been little things that we are often not included in. However, I have tried very hard to put in an effort with these people. I've gone to church with them, I've looked after their dog while they were sick, I've brought them food when one of them was in the hospital, I help care for his mothers mentally ill twin brothers, and yet I never get a thank you. My SIL even deleted my husband and I from facebook and when I questioned her on it she flat out told me she didnt like us and didnt want the family to have a relationship with us. We brought this to his parents attention and they said we must've 'misunderstood her' as she is Chinese even though she has been living in the country for 12 years.
The latest issue has been around a family tradition of birthday dinners. They have one for all members of the family on their birthday. I have never had one (2 birthdays have passed since getting married) but I assumed maybe that was something they wouldn't do for their daughters in law. But no, the first birthday my SIL has had since their wedding we were informed they were holding a family dinner for her. My husband was so angry because although he feels like his brother has always been favoured, he feels this is getting mean. I cried for a long time over it and he ended up telling his parents we wouldnt be coming because he didnt think it was right to make me sit there and have to watch how they treat my SIL like a daughter but treat me like an outsider.
It has taken all my will to overlook this to try and get along with his parents and their family as it would break my heart to not have a relationship with them. We tried cutting them off at one point but there is so much stigma from people who naturally assume the DIL is the cause. Although my husband feels like it is time to just cut them off for good, it would make me feel like a failure because I always had great relationships with boyfriends families and never would have gussed this would have happened to me. I'm not sure how to resolve this because when my husband speaks to them about it they tell him they love me just as much and think we're great, yet their actions continuously say otherwise. We are planning on starting a family soon, and I cant help but be concerned that they will treat our children much worse than their cousins.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. This is killing my self esteem. I try and tell myself it isn't my fault but being singled out for no reason hurts a lot.
I honestly would follow your husbands lead on this one and proceed with the cut off. You are extremely lucky that you have such a supportive husband who has his eyes open and sees what is going on! So many times that is not the case and the husband is blind to it or just blows off his wife's concerns for his family. Do the cut off- you should not waste your engery on those people. You will probably never do right in their eyes so focus your energy making youself happy and don't think about them. Those kind of people will never change and use any excuse to find fault so having a cut off just gets rid of the stress on you and wondering what the next issue they will have with you will be.
I agree with DVsMom. Why would you constantly put yourself through this? You've tried talking to them about it on multiple occasions and it hasn't worked. They're not going to change unless something drastic happens. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how you feel. I've always gotten along really well with previous boyfriend's parents. We don't get along with DH's stepmother and it escalated to the point where we had to cut her out of our life. Even though I think she's slightly off balance and I know it's best for everyone to have her out of our lives I can't help but feel a little sad about it. Mostly because it didn't need to be that way. You can't make other people's choices for them.
I say cut them out, give it some time. See if in 6 months or a year DH wants to approach his parents and offer a fresh start if you're all open to it at that point. I'm glad to hear your husband is so supportive and is sticking up for you. You've got a good guy :)
Thanks so much for your advice guys. I dont know why it is so hard for me to come to terms with the idea of cutting them off completely. We were at a point once where we cut them off and didn't speak to them for 6 months. It hurt us both a lot to feel that unwanted. Not only did they not try and contact us to resolve it or anything (they just didnt care) they badmouthed us to the rest of my hubbys family to the point where they all think we are the problem. It is hard to say goodbye to everyone, especially because some are SO nice to us, but I do believe you guys are right. I think I just needed to hear it from an 'outsider'.
And yes I am SO blessed to have him. I just hate that the stress from this has caused us to argue because I sometimes feel like it would be best for me to walk away and give him a chance to find a girl that his family will like so he can be more included again. These thoughts come and go but I know in my heart I will stick by him no matter what because we really are perfect for each other. I guess either way (cutting them off or making him live through this because of me) I will feel guilty!
@aimes33: It's hard to come to terms with because you want to believe in the good in people and hold on to hope that one day soon they'll turn around and say "Oh gosh, you're right, we were huge jerks! I'm so sorry!!!" but really, you know in your heart of hearts that's not going to happen. And that sucks. And hurts. You want to hope that they would behave how you would and admit when you're wrong and apologize. Unfortunately that's not going to happen. Some people are stubborn jerks who will never ever admit to being in the wrong.
Like I said, we had to cut DH's stepmom out of our life. I imagine we won't speak to her again until we have kids in a couple of years and then we'll attempt to give it another go. Does she deserve that second chance after all the crap she pulled on us? No. BUT it kills me to think of our kids losing out on one of their grandparents, so when the time comes we'll reassess the situation and likely open that door again. DH isn't so keen on it, but I think that as life and circumstances change, some times a fresh opportunity is given to mend fences. When the time comes to open that door again you'll know. Until then, just keep moving forward with your relationship and live the life you two want to build together surrounded by people who love you and support you.
Since some of his family do treat you good, maybe you should speak to them and let them know why you are cutting the others out. I don't see a reason to have to cut out the nice ones too
Bakerella:
You are like my inner conscience! I know you are absolutely right and need to move on for our own sanity. Can I ask how long it took before you started feeling better about the idea of cutting your DH's stepmom out? At what point did you KNOW it was the right decision?
Thank you so much! Time to put on my big girl panties I guess! lol
@aimes33: I have a couple questions! You mentioned that your SIL is chinese, are you chinese? Is your BIL's wife chinese? Is the real issue here that you won't be accepted because you are not the same culture or are you also chinese and they are just being jerks? I feel really bad for you in this situation because I know exactly what you are going through. My FMIL hates me because I have a kid (LONG story) and my FI and I are basically going through the same things with his family (except to a different level because I don't talk to his mom at all and FI hardly does and she is an animal [curses yells rants screams..crazy bitch]) I have to tell you, if it is a cultural thing it will NEVER get better. They will NEVER accept you. You are trying to hold on because just like me, you wanted a relationship with your in laws, its just natural. You kind of have to give that up... There is no compromise with ignorance and you just drain yourself trying to do it.
Personally I wouldnt interact with them much. IF they are making it obvious they dont like you then just forget about their approval or trying to be accepted as a part of their family. It doesnt sound like the type of family I would want to be a part of. I would just be polite and civil when I have to be around them but then just stay clear of them when possible
Your situation sounds slightly similar to my past with my in-laws, except the SIL situation.
The best advice I was given was just to wait - relationships evolve and one day they will realize the good person you are and be grateful to have you in their family. All the things you said you've done for them in their times of need, sound just like me - yet I was still being mis-treated. My husband is just like yours as well - we actually cut contact from my MIL because of her bahavior for about 6 months as well.
This is a situation where you have to let you husband make the decisions, trust that he will stand up for you, and if he makes the decision to visit them, just remain the respectful person that you are.
I will offer some light at the end of the tunnel, through my very turmoilous relationship that I and my husband have had w/ his parents for the past 5 years - it has been getting better. I feel more comfortable being around them, and they are starting to warm up a little bit more. They havn't been rude or disrespectful in over a year.
Be patient, I am of the school of thought that they will eventually see the good person you are - and although they may never say it outloud, just give it time.
MrsSl82be:
I wish we could do that. We don't cut them out, we actually try and reach out to those that we like and continue a relationship. But my in laws have told them lies about us (for instance we had plans to trash my BIL's wedding...which is absurd to say the least) that have caused some uncles/aunts/cousins to dislike us, and the ones that dont believe them are told to 'stay out of it'. His uncle tried to stand up for us and ended up having my FIL not speak to him for months over it, so I cant say I blame them that they are not willing to continue a relationship with us unless we have one with my in laws.
I think thats what makes it so difficult. When we cut them off it's like my DH has NO family whatsoever.
@aimes33: I agree with other posters who say you are doing the right thing and luck to have a supportive husband. Life is too short to have all of that negativity around you and if they're not going to support you, there's no real reason to continue to be treated that way. Of course you have a desire to fit in with your husband's family and will feel rejection if you don't but it's YOUR life to live, not theirs!
No, the rest of the family is caucasion. She is the only one who is Chinese. They use it to excuse her rude behaviour. She tells people to 'move!' if she wants to get by them (even my in laws) and that people are boring and they just say it's because she has a different culture. I have other Asian friends and I find this almost insulting to Asians to say that it is their culture to be so rude. The girls I know are the exact opposite. It is bizzare.
Im sorry you're going through something similar. It is beyond me why anyone would want to create so much stress on a young couple. The divorce rate is high enough without factoring in in laws from you know where.
You sound like my hubby! He says the same thing: 'if thats the type of daughter in law they want you should be thankful they dont like you. It means you are the opposite!'
Thank you for that. Maybe I should write it down so I dont forget about it? haha
@aimes33: Yea......we used to fight about them but they are a nonfactor as of right now. In my situation it is not that they want to stress us, everything is all about them [read: MIL]. I am so sorry you are in MY situation because I know how hard it can be..especially if you don't have a thick skin :( Feel free to PM me if you need to chat ok?
I agree with most of the other posters to cut ties with them. They seem dead set on not liking you and not wanting to develop a relationship with you. If that's the case, then let them love the other DIL. Eventually, she'll burn them, and they'll wish they had someone like you again!
It's just really hard to turn your back on family like that, but it sounds as if they're toxic to your marriage. No one deserves to be treated that way! How is your family towards your husband? I hope they have a fantastic relationship with him.
I cant tell you how helpful (and reassuring!) it is to hear that you have a similar situation. Of course, I wouldnt wish this on anyone but I've always felt like Im the only one. All of my friends have wonderful in laws and their biggest complaint is their MIL being TOO involved (I tell them be thankful they care!)
Your situation gives me a lot of hope. Even having a polite and respectful relationship (let alone loving) with them would be wonderful some day. I think you all are right that the best thing for me to do is to just move on for now and to stop investing so much time in trying to get them to come around. Easter will be hard (as was the Christmas where they didn't invite us to their Christmas dinner) but I know we will get through it. Thank you! :)
Just because they are his family doesn't mean they get a free pass to be ignorant or mean to you. If they don't like you now for whatever reason, they probably never will. When kids come along it may be even worse, since you'll think you want your children to have some kind of relationship with their Grandparents. What if they are just as mean to your kids? Then what? How many years will you give them to try and turn things around?
It IS hard. It's VERY hard to cut family out of your life, but you sometimes have to do it for the sake of your sanity. Toxic people can ruin the relationship you have with your spouse, and it's even worse if they are his flesh and blood. I'd also let him make the call and do your best to accept it. Removing that stress may be the best thing you can do for yourself.
You're so right. And it's effecting my life far more than I'm willing to admit to myself. My hubby is trying to get a job a few hours away and the thought of at least not being a 5 min walk away from them is so exciting. I think it would really help us start over.
@aimes33: Would they be open to family counselling at all? Or is your FI the eldest child? I'm wondering if his mom/parents feel like you're stealing away the most "valuable" child from them?
We cut out DH's stepmom about two or three months ago I think. She was acting so crazy and just out of left field it was a bit of a good riddance situation, LOL! I'm not sure I'll ever truly forgive her for the way she behaved and the things she said, but I think in time I'll be willing to at least let it go. If she called me right now and pretended like nothing happened I'd tell her to shove it. On the other hand, I realize I will never get an apology because in her head, she did nothing wrong and she will justify everything she did and always believe we are horrible people in the wrong. So, don't hold your breath thinking you'll get an apology out of your FIL's, just hope that one day you can all move past it for the sake of your DH and the whole family.
How did we know it was the right decision? She just crossed a line with us. She started trying to drag my parents, MIL, DH's grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc into it. It was ridiculous. When she started yapping about my parents that's when she crossed the line with me. You don't f*ck with my family. End of story. LOL!
I can definitely say I don't cry myself to sleep every night because I miss her ;)
Thank you so much! I cant tell you all how much your kind and helpful responses mean to me. This is just the boost I needed to get over it. Thick skin isn't one of my virtues unfortunately but Im starting to wonder if this is lifes way of giving it to me through the issues with my in laws.
Oh ok, I see. Well then, the unfortunate thing to do then is just cut ties with them all. I'll tell you my story - we haven't spoken to my dad's entire side of his family for over 21 years. Basically, his parents are cold and snarky people (I honestly can't see how my dad was raised by them, cuz he is one of the sweetest men in the world) and when my mom was pregnant with my sister, they made comments that she might not be my dads (there is absolutely no reason why they could or should have thought that. My parents marriage has always been solid, and to look at my sister, he could not deny her if he tried; she looks more like him than me or our brother!). So anyway, lots of things were said, and they told him to choose between us and them. He did, and never looked back. Honestly, I think it was really hard for him at first, but now he doesn't miss them at all. My mom's family took him in wholeheartedly, so he doesn't feel that he is missing out on anything not having his family around.
So, even if your husband's family isn't around for awhile or forever, as long as your family accepts him, he will never be without family!!
I feel bad saying it, but I dont think my BIL/SIL will work out. She has said on numerous occasions before the wedding 'oh well if it doesnt work out thats what divorce is for' and his parents just look the other way. She even said she felt like she needed to get pregnant right away because she would be too bored alone with her hubby and that she needed more attention like she got around the wedding. I guess I have to be thankful that my marriage is happy and exciting enough as it is :)
My family treats DH like their own. My mum called him up to tell him she's so proud of him the day after his mother told him 'she has nothing to be proud of with him'. They are a little nuts, but they love him, thats what matters!
I do worry so much over how they will treat my children. I look at it this way, even if they ARE nice to them, kids aren't stupid. They will see the way their parents are treated by their grandparents and ask questions, and thats the last thing I want. Thank you!
Awe. I'm so sorry you feel this way.
It's a horrible feeling to feel like you do so much for your ILs and think that it is never enough and the other DIL is treated like gold. I felt how you feel for 5 years. It's not that I thought they did not love me. I just felt like I was treated as equal as the other DIL when I do 500x more than the other daughter in law.
The only thing I can say is have you & your husband sat down with your ILs without anyone else there to have a heart to heart. And tell them how you feel?
We did this recently and it was super enlightening. I found out that all my actions did not go unnoticed. That they appreciated every little thing I did for them. That myself and the other daughter are not even in the same ballpark in terms of how they felt about each one of us.
So yeah, for over 5 years I went through life thinking I was unappreciated. Many nights of crying. Getting fed up and my husband suggesting like yours that we start to take some time apart from them and maybe then they will appreciate us.
I'm not saying this is what is going on with you. But it's worth a sit down with your ILs before cutting off all relations. Life is too short and family is too important to just cut off all ties without hearing their side of the story.
Best of luck.
I say you've done everything possble it's not you it's them I wouldnt take it personally; I would just let it go and keep littlecontact; I wouldnt cut them off because if it weren't for them you wouldn't have a hubby; when you have kids, you'll want them to have a relationship with them maybe things will change; I wouldnt let the SIL cause you more grief it's her loss if she doesn't want to get to know a terrific person like you! Life is too short to worry what others think; enjoy the married life because your hubby loves you!
We've had counselling. The counsellor agreed with us and tried to talk some sense into his parents. They muttered 'sorry' and said we have to forgive them so we did. It improved for about 3 months but fell apart again. We asked them if they would like to go back and they said no. They do not like hearing they're not right.
He's actually the baby. There are just the two boys. It's sad but they tell him all the time they wanted a girl. I'll never understand parents like that.
So reassuring! I hope in 3 months I am saying the same as you! That would be a dream come true.
My MIL is actually a little crazy as well. I dont use the term lightly, but she has a mental disorder that she refuses to have treated. I know my FIL has asked her to see someone about it for years and she refuses. She isnt fond of us and she makes FIL's life a living hell if he stands up for us (he has slept in a chair for a week because he once told her she was wrong to tell my DH that she has nothing to be proud of with him). As he puts it, he has to live with her, so he usually goes along with her.
@aimes33: Or they will never miss what they didn't have (as in my case).
I was the second wife and we were told by my IL's 3 days after our wedding that we would never come first to them, and that my husband's X and son would always be #1. Who knew they meant it?
We gave them 10 years and things never changed, so we were done.
My kids had MY family and felt nothing for my husband's parents when they passed away. It happens, tho I wished it had been different.
You'll be fine. :)
@aimes33: That's so awesome that your family is so supportive of them. Are they close to where you live? Just keep thriving on that bond, and you're your DH's family now!
That's a real shame about your BIL and SIL and what she said. I always see people like that and wonder if they were loved enough as a child that they require so much of the attention to be on them. I think it's great that you aren't like her...b/c if you were, you wouldn't be as happy in your marriage as you are now!
That just breaks my heart to hear that people would treat their son like that! I swear I dont understand why some people just seem to be without any tact whatsoever.
It's so good that he was able to get past that and protect his children from them. I think I need to consider that most of all. The last thing I want is to be pregnant and dealing with this BS!
We've sat down with them on so many occasions. His mother bawls and refuses to talk and his dad says 'but we love her! of course we see her as a daughter!'. It's hard for me to believe that because their actions are just the opposite. I dont understand why it cant be that simple.
In your case, why was it that they treated you differently if they thought so highly of you?
Thank you!! I've decided thats exactly my plan. I'm not going to chase them down to work it out anymore. They know how we feel. If we hear from them we do, if we dont we dont. I just cant deal with this especially when it's so pointless to have happen in the first place!
I wouldn't cut them out completely, but I would totally stop all efforts to be loved and accepted by them. And since you aren't being treated well by your SIL, I would absolutely skip the Bday dinner. Have your DH tell his brother that she deleted you from FB and actually stated that she doesn't want to be friends and thinks the family should disown you so ultimately you feel like it would be a hostile situation if you two attended. Just throw your hands up and say you've tried to establish a relationship but nothing is working so let you know when she wants to make amends, if ever.
Stop helping out his parents. Stop inviting them over or making any effort to be nice. Focus your attention on other family members who DO accept you and you will be much more sane as a result. I truly believe what goes around comes around, so his parents will get their come-uppance. And so will this nasty SIL.
That is so cold! I really felt like I was completely alone in this when I posted this thread, and although it's reassuring that Im not the only one, it's terrible that there are so many people who would be so cruel to family.
We do live close to my family, and even if we didn't I know my family would be around whenever they could. It's hard for them because they've missed out on a lot of time with us that we've spent trying (endlessly) to patch things up with the other side.
It is a shame that she is like that. I dont know a lot about her, her parents are divorced, she gets whatever she wants, and she 'always wanted a mixie' (a mixed race baby). It sometimes boggles my mind how they can like her, but Im trying to not focus on that and wonder what she has and I dont anymore.
DH sits down with BIL every once in a while and tries to explain to him what goes on. He just ignores it. I do feel bad for the guy though, I think he truly just wants to be married and have a family and didnt care who with. They have nothing in common and he's had to give up all the things he likes doing to be with her.
We've tried the angle that we've done all that we can and if it will be fixed it's up to them to do it. BIL stepped down as the best man for our wedding a week before and thats what we decided to do to handle it. But as always, it was twisted into being our fault and up to us to fix it. DH has always been the 'fixer' in the family, and has even had to be punished for things that his brother did growing up. I think they dont like that he is standing up for himself now.
I believe what goes around comes around too. Trouble is I thought it would have happened by now. Need to work on my patience I guess!
Ugh, I don't understand how grown people, let alone parents, can be so cruel. It also annoys me that your DH's brother doesn't seem to help at all. I'm so sorry you have to live with this kind of treatement. I seriously am.
I haven't been through anything similar but I have watched my mother be ostracized from my dad's family for my entire life. As a child I vividly remember her coming down into the basement at my grandparent's house, where all the kids were playing after Christmas dinner, crying and trying to compose herself. Needless to say, watching my kind and gentle mother be treated like garbage my dad's family hasn't exactly fostered a connection with them for me either. I know it has been very hard for my dad too. It actually got to the point where he just told them that if they couldn't treat her with the respect that the wife of a family member deserved he would have to remove himself from that family because their attitude wasn't something he was going to tolerate. My parent's relationship with them has never been the same, it's... cordial? But tense. So, long winded story aside I think you guys need to tell them that their behavior is offensive and then then cut some ties. Leave the ball in their court.
Chin up, hope things turn around for you. :)
I dont understand it either. I've been lucky in the sense that I've never dealt with difficult people in my life before these people.
Thats terrible :( I dont want that for my kids. People may think kids dont notice it but they do, and I would rather them have a very distant relationship with their grandparents (on his side) then to have to see their parents treated like that.
Cordial is how I'd discribe the relationship during the good times, and then every few months we're hit out of left field with another blow.
Thank you :)
@aimes33: Kids are super perceptive. If you don't create that distance DH's family will create it for them. Which isn't always a bad thing. Then they know why things are the way they are. It's like my cousin finally told his mom the other day that now, as an adult, he understands why she divorced his dad. He may have even used the word "douchebag" somewhere in there. Haha. Either way, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that people like that are poisonous.
I'm almost in tears reading about everyone's situations...
OP- I have no advice to give, but my heart is breaking for you. :( I wish you a satisfactory outcome after all is said and done. I love that line your DH said, "if that's the kind of DIL they want, be glad they don't like you. That means you're the opposite".
It sounds like it's all instigated by your MIL, because it sounds to me that your FIL wants to like you and be friendly, but he's torn because he has to answer to your crazy MIL. :(
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MissBoPeep | 93 |
| beargoose | 55 |
| hisgoosiegirl | 51 |
| ndreighton | 51 |
| Mrs.KMM | 46 |
| BetterSherm | 42 |
| akp0702 | 41 |
| Beckster329 | 37 |
| stardustintheeyes | 36 |
| MrsPom | 36 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| mslovely | 9 |
| Rojocameo | 9 |
| keranos | 7 |
| armychica06 | 4 |
| EricaBee | 4 |
| KitKatNYC | 2 |
 bricon |
2 |
| rebwana | 2 |
| WillyNilly | 2 |
| Sasha2011 | 1 |
