What Conversations Should We Be Having?

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Discipline styles should be discussed.  Also, make sure you are both on the same page about backing each other up because if you parent always says yes and the other says no, then the child will play you off one another.  Circumcision, yes or no?  Daycare, nanny, stay at home parent?  Changes to budget once baby arrives.

Post # 4
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Mars62312:  Work and money!

Is one of you staying home with the baby? How are you going to afford that?

Is the child going to daycare? How will you afford that? How will you pick a center? Do you want a family-run center or a commercial center? Why?


Post # 5
1234 posts
Bumble bee

Not a mother, but SO and I have talked about kids. I think one of the most important things to do is decide what course of action to take when you disagree- such as one parent saying yes and the other saying no. I think this is just as important as discussing discipline and overall parenting styles/philosophies. My mom really resents my dad for circumventing her punishments when I was younger (to be fair, they were normally over some imagined slight. Long story). I don’t want to resent my SO for “overruling” me. We decided that we would always talk issues out, away from our child’s sight and hearing, and present a united front once we came up with a compromise.

Unfortunately, I don’t have much more than that, as children are a very distant thing right now, but I’m interested in reading other bee’s responses 🙂

Post # 6
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Priorities. Once you have a baby, you won’t have time to have a clean house AND cook every day AND spend time as a family AND maintain your sex life AND have alone time AND take a shower every day AND keep up with family and friends. You’ll probably only be able to do half of these things if you’re lucky. Which ones are most important to you, which are most important to him?

Your expectations for pregnancy. When I was pregnant, my husband viewed those 9 months as our last hurrah before baby, and wanted to spend time doing everything we enjoyed as a couple– hiking, camping, going on weekend getaways. I just wanted to stay home and put my feet up and decorate the nursery. I’ve heard that for women, everything changes as soon as they get pregnant, but for men it doesn’t really click until the baby’s born.

I found it helpful to discuss hypotheticals and how we would respond to them. What if we’re unable to concieve, what if the baby has a birth defect, what if I have PPD, what if we have triplets, what if I change my mind about going back to work or staying at home. Talking about as many scenarios as you can think of not only helps you be prepared for them, they make you more able to deal with the things that come up that you haven’t thought of.

Post # 8
2627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your expectations for your childs future, both near and far

  • will you set up a college accont? Do you agree how much youll save each month?
  • Do you expect to take family vacations every year? Where? how much will it cost? How will you pay for it
  • Do you like your current living arrangement? Do you need to move to accomodate more bedrooms or a better education system? If so, what do you both see as you needing and what are you willing to pay for it?
  • How will you divy up “soccer mom” duties as needed. Driving to lessons, games, friends houses, play dates etc. While baby is a baby, this is not an issue, but can very quickly become part of your life with peewee leagues as young as 3 or 4 if you so choose.
  • Do you have rules for food? When are sweets allowed? What do you consider a healthy breakfast? What if they dont like dinner, how will you handle that. You both need to be on the same page.
  • ***How much input/involvement are grandparents allowed? How will you back each other up in your decisions.**** 
  • How do you both feel about cosleeping (and until what age), breast feeding, etc. 
  • How do you feel about chores (even at a very young age there are age appropriate chores) and will you make your child participate in them? Or will the adults take care of everything. 


Post # 9
312 posts
Helper bee

I’m not a parent but here are some things that I know some parents should have discussed: what religion you want to raise the kid in, public or private school, health management – organic food, vaccinations, would you put the kid on ADD or psych medicine if prescribed, do you want to celebrate all holidays, what is stance on tV (some parents don’t allow kids to watch tv)

Post # 10
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Commenting to follow… we are TTC and even though we have done it informally, I want to talk to DH about all of these!

Post # 11
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

You’re getting tons of great advice here, OP. I can’t push the “Be on the same page” enough.


Discussing possible problems during pregnancy (medically necessary abortions, birth defects, multiples, infertility, adoption, etc.). Financial and time concerns (paying bills, daycare, hiring family to baby-sit, whether or not you’ll quit a job, if he will give you alone time after you get off of work, organizing your schedules, etc.). How you will handle family (who you’d allow to baby-sit, how to handle questions about the baby, things you want private, things you don’t mind discussing with others, how you’ll handle ‘advice,’ etc.). Disciplinary methods. Feeding schedules, changings, etc. How many kids you want. And names. Definitely discuss names.

I’m watching my brother and sister-in-law have a scarcely-private battle over names…because in nearly a decade of marriage, they failed to do it properly. He always caved to what she wanted, and now that it’s an issue, it is an ISSUE. You need to be on similar pages ahead of time. I never would have thought a name would strain a marriage so much, but it’s also indicative of other issues in their marriage.


Post # 12
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

A big thing that my husband at the time and I had a huge disagreement on was who would raise our kids in the event we both died. It was a MAJOR fight and we never resolved it. We are now divorced so it doesn’t matter because the chances of us both dying at the same time are slim. But because we never agreed, we were never able to get a will.

Also, as morbid as it sounds, if you are in labor and something happens and only you or the child can be saved, which one will it be? We discussed that while pregnant and were luckily on the same page.

I know it’s been said but I can’t stress enough about disciplining. I have seen marriages ruined because they could not agree.

Post # 13
5398 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Mars62312:  I’m not a parent and have no intention of being one, but I think things that need to be discussed are:

Discipline. So many couples differ drastically when it comes to disciplining their children. Children need consistency, and parents need to present a united front, so it is SO important to a) agree when it comes to discipline and b) present a united front, and back each other up. On a similar vein, do you agree on what children should be doing around the house? Etc.

Childcare. Are either of you going to give up work? If so, who? Who will do the bulk of the childcare, or will it be split equally? Who will do the night feeds? Etc. Again, I see SO many parents not discussing this and it ends up breeding resentment.

How it might affect you as a couple. Will one of you feel bitter/resentful if the other has less time for them/is devoted to the child? How will you deal with this? How will you make time for each other?

Finances. Does one of you want to set up some kind of trust fund/savings account/college fund, and does the other think this is unnecessary and that children should fend for themselves as adults? Do you have similar ideas when it comes to other expenditures eg birthdays and Christmas? Etc. Finances also come into play in terms of affording a child: again, will one of you quit work? If so, can you afford this? How will finances work? (ie will the person staying at home still have full access to the account, or will they be given an ‘allowance’?..)

Religion. This will only likely matter if you are of different religions; however, it’s something you need to agree on eg if one of you is Christian and the other atheist, will you baptise your child? will they attend church? Will they go to a faith school? Etc.

Food. Is one of you vegetarian and the other not? How do you feel about processed food/fast food/sweets (etc)? This can cause big issues where one parents sees no problem with the odd treat, and the other thinks that children should never ever eat sweets/pizza/McDonalds, as one parent may end up gong behind the other’s back, which can cause tensions and give the child ‘leverage’ in arguments.

When it comes to pregnancy and childbirth, do you agree on the preferred type of birth? (eg is your OH totally anti C-section/Home birth whereas you’d like an elective C-section/home birth?) How do you both feel about breastfeeding eg do you find it icky, but OH is adament that you WILL breastfeed no matter what?

When it comes to TTC, do you agree on what you would do if you couldn’t conceive naturally? Some people are totally opposed to IVF, whereas others are all for it; and I’ve seen fertility issues drive couples apart time and time again.

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