Post # 1
Recently I was unsure whether or not I wanted to get married and move in with my boyfriend. After I shared this with him, he told me he needed space to become more stable. And we shouldn’t be together right now (he wants a break). He said he still wants to talk to me at nite for a few mins to see how I’m doing, and so we don’t lose the whole connection for laters sake. He also wants to see me every other week. He also said he needed time to be alone and see if he can survive without me and his mother. We tend to make sure he’s focused on the right things.
Well after he told me this I told him flat out I didn’t want to get married next year, because I needed more time. And that I wasn’t moving in with him because he lives in the city, and Im use to the whole small town thing. Also I wouldn’t feel right putting my child in daycare out there. To me I just feel like our relationship has moved way too fast. We never did what we wanted to do but what others thought we should do. Like move in because we had a baby, and get married because weve been together so long and have a child.
He says he still loves me and doesn’t want to talk to other women or date around and this time is truly for him. I told him I would wait for him since I have certain things I dont’ want to be pushed into right now either. And I know his whole independence thing has been a childhood issue with him since we met. Like not living alone because he’s lived with his mother until a year ago. He’s almost 25 now.
My question is. Has anyone gone through this before? do you think me being so unsure pushed him away?
I’m so lost right now I know I needed my time but I also love and want to be with him. But I know he feels so lost right now.
Post # 4
So you said you were unsure and didn’t want to move in together and then he broke up with you? It seems kind of strange that he pulled that power play on you, announcing it first. But nevertheless, it seems like something you both really need.
It seems like you are both trying to keep the lines of communication open in order to potentially reconcile but I can say from first hand experience that completely severing ties for awhile is really helpful. It gives you both prospective on what you want and if you really miss eachother and can’t spend your lives apart.
However, the issue is complicated a little because of your child together. Certainly he needs to see the child as much as possible. I would keep all other conversations to a minimum.
Take some time for yourself and for your child. Do things you didn’t do while you were together, experience things apart.It seems like you really need that.
Men need to have their iives together before they really feel prepared to be in it for the long haul, too. So let him experience that kind of life on his own.
But again, the child is the most important thing. Make sure he does not forget that.
Post # 5
Thank you so much for responding, and yes we both need time right now. But is the whole I need space thing, normally a man trying to ease his way out the relationship?
Post # 6
Well, I can only tell you about my personal experience. My now FI and I broke up for about six months because we too were moving too fast. In retrospect, I would agree that I was bringing up marriage and it was just getting very serious and he freaked.I don’t know why but I’m sort of glad he did.
Whether needing the space was just an excuse to get out of the relationship or even partially true, when we were apart we got the breathing room to think about what was going on. I didn’t talk to him for five straight months. No texts, emails, phone calls. I dated as did he, but we both realized that it was just terrible to be apart.
When we got back together we started anew. We appreciated everything in the moment and didn’t even talk about marriage.
Without that breakup, I don’t know if we would have lasted. We might have regretted or questioned something. But after the breakup, there were no questions. It was just crystal clear that we belonged together.
And then one night, when he was ready and I was ready, he surprised me with a ring. And I really couldn’t be happier.
So, I guess my answer is that in your case, he might truly need space. Only you know the context of the relationship. However, him needing space does not get him out of being a good father. So he will need to act accordingly.