What discussions do you feel are important before getting engaged/married?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

You have covered lots of good ones. I would add discussing life events and if theres anything you want to achieve such as travel, studying, moving, when to buy a house or try living abroad. I would also add talking about your families and what happens if a parent gets sick. Do you agree on carehomes or would you want to move your parents into your home etc.. 

Post # 3
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Expectations about sex, and what constitutes “cheating”. 

Post # 4
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Children: to add to this many people don’t even think about saving for education, cars, college funds, sports, traditions, allergies (food). Daycare vs SAHM 

Cleaning:chores splitting duties, hiring a service

Food: cooking (take turns), meal planning, grocery shopping

Eating out: where, how often, too much, not enough (this is very important with frugal people like myself)

 

Post # 5
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

These are really important! Good topic! I’m interested to hear what other people add.

I think another big one is lifestyle — what’s your idea of fun, what should the weekends and nights off look like, what do you do during vacations, what is your comfort level with drugs/alcohol, etc. That type of thing usually becomes clear during the dating part of the relationship, but I do know couples where one person expected that marriage meant calming down and not partying as often and transitioning to a more low-key lifestyle but didn’t communicate that expectation, so the partners had very different ideas of what their married life would look like. 

Post # 6
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Embassy suites Hotel

wildflower3 :  discussion about what happens when one of you loses a job. I didn’t have a job for 5 months and at the time my husband to be was wonderful. I had good savings so I was thankful for that too! 

Kids, travel, money, trust, cheating, how to handle difficult situations. 

You covered good topics so for! 🙂

Post # 7
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

1. Children’s education

2. Taking care of our parents 

3. Prenups/wills/inheritances/general estate planning

4. Whether we can realistically be a single income household when we have kids, whether he stays at home or I stay at home, or whether we put the children in daycare/hire someone

My FI greatly resents the fact that I would like to put our kids through private school if we can at all afford it. In my culture, it’s expected that the parents pay for the very best education they can offer for their kids, in his culture, private schools are snooty, and people buy boats and lake houses before they would splurge on that. It was a serious priority difference for us.

Post # 8
Member
992 posts
Busy bee

 

DH and I will be married 21 years tomorrow!

Housework and Home work.  This is a huge potential problem and does cause a lot of tension for couples.  You really need to know, if your FI is male and you are female, how he sees housework.  Did his Mom do everything for him in the home?  His laundry, cooking, etc.  You have to realize that many men are raised this way, and they transfer that “idea” of what a wife should do onto their wife.  Big potential trouble there if not discussed.  Do you assume he will take out the trash and mow the lawn?  Does he assume you will shop, cook, clean, do laundry, etc?  It’s not usually fairly divided and most times, the guy thinks what he does is equal to what she does.  Really comes into play big time when kids arrive.

Porn.  Some couples don’t, some do, some, it’s only the hubby, or the wife.  This also has the potential to cause trouble.  Figure out your porn right now.  Hee hee, that sounds so funny.

Gift giving.  Kind of falls under money of course, but some people are big gift givers, and some are not, so that can cause tension.  If one of you doesn’t think twice about spending 200 dollars on a birthday gift, but the other is thinking more like 25…….well, trouble there.  Does gift giving come out of joint money, or do each of you buy for your own families (if you do give gifts), (not talking your own kids here).

Oh, decorating.  Oh my word.  He wants the old leather recliner, she wants (or, she and she or he and he), it gone!

 

Post # 9
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

20sparklingyears :  Everything you said was spot on! Housework expectations is a serious issue – you’d think we live in a modern society, but I swear many otherwise “modern” men were raised with 1950s moms at their father’s beck and call, and this translates in subtle ways that creates HUGE problems.

Post # 10
Member
5027 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Houseguests: Will they be allowed? Only specific people? How long can they stay?

Parents: How you plan on handling elderly parents? Live with you? Retirement home? 

Post # 11
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I would also advise women to think about this – is he the decision-maker? I.e. When it comes to things you care about or things that you as a couple want/need to do, whether it be decor, furniture, wedding planning, general life things that need to be done – do you do all the research and running around, only to present it to him for him to express whether he likes what you picked or not, or to ultimately make a decision?

You’d be surprised how much this happens, and although it sounds benign, it can cause huge problems if one person is always doing the legwork and the other one is always playing the supreme overlord.

Post # 12
Member
992 posts
Busy bee

theotherbride :  Yes.  Been there burned the t-shirt!  I had a couple sessions one time with a psychologist and we had a discussion about the issue of men (in America) and them not wanting to do housework, or thinking of it as “the wife’s work”.  He told me that in his 15 odd years of practice he could say that men in general just don’t think about it in a fair manner.  Said that there were different reasons, but that yes, it was one of the most hot issues for the couples.  He said men are just plain lazy about it – I recall thinking okay, so I’m NOT insane!

Okay, funny story, I had a huge fight about this one time with my ex husband.  BIG fight.  Went to my BFF’s to vent.  SHE was all, well, do you want to be right or fix the problem?  Hire a cleaning service. 

Hee hee, well that wasn’t going to fly with me……….so, I digress……..her thought was truly, don’t fight about it, just hire someone.  (we couldn’t afford that anyway, but that’s not the point).

So after me really explaining what I did, vs what HE did, later apparently she talked to her hubby about it.  Realized her hubby was worse than mine, and THEY got in a huge fight!  Just always thought that was funny.

I sat my then hubby down, said, okay, you think you do half (his words) of the work around here.  Let’s make a list.

I put every single flippin’ chore down.  All of them, like, taking off and cleaning the plastic vent-thingy at the bottom of the fridge, really put every thing I did.

Told him I don’t care, you pick half of them, any ones you want.  Hee hee.  He got his list (of half the chores) and yes we did split them fairly on paper, emptying the dishwasher is not equal to a full on complete cleaning of the fridge as an example.  He was exhausted by the end of the week.

Post # 13
Member
4704 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

wildflower3 :  Ethics and values, how to deal with family issues (what constitutes a united front), pets, household chores, how much $ spent requires notifying the other partner, where to live, time together as opposed to on the computer/gaming/phone, use of earphones when listening to music or movies the other doesn’t like, and bedtime – which may sound odd but my DH is a night owl so I go to bed alone every night, which I never anticipated.  

Post # 15
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

These are all greatly important. For me, these were all things I knew about my partner long before we ever had a conversation about engagement or marriage. What would you do if you were engaged and had a disagreement about moving or kids?  How are you going to settle a disagreement about a crucial issue if it were to arise?  Since financials are important to you, what if you find yourselves broke?

Leave a comment


Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors