Post # 1
My fiance and I have been struggling with this since we got engaged, and have spoken to a few family members but are no closer to a solution so I’m putting this out to all of you in the hope of resolution!
My partner and I have been together 7.5 years, I’m now 22 and he’s almost 25. My relationship with my soon to be MIL has been up and down throughout, i don’t know if it’s due to my ‘taking’ of her baby boy, the fact she didn’t choose me for her son or if it’s something entirely deeper, she’s tried many a time to split us up and can be very manipulative and vindictive when she wants to be and has said and done unspeakable things. However the general thing we do is ignore it, smile and don’t rise to it.
Her relationship with my fiance, has always been tempestuous, at best. They’ve had issues since he was a small boy but they’ve only gotten worse as he’s gotten older. She doesn’t want this wedding to happen, and yet wants to plan every detail and whinges she’s not involved, but when we try to involve her she doesn’t want to know. I think she’s trying to put roadblocks in the way of it, in the hope her childish display will kick someone into thinking that maybe it shouldn’t happen if she’s not happy, that, and she doesn’t want anyone to enjoy the excitement of planning this wedding if she’s not.
Currently my fiance is not speaking to her, they frequently have arguments and will stop speaking for however long until forced to play nice for family occassions but the wedding is now only 4 and a bit months away and he’s unsure he wants her there, and has even said he doesn’t want her in the photo’s in case he cuts her off for good and doesn’t want to look back and see her in our wedding album. There’s also real concern over how she may behave at our wedding, concerns shared by the family, particularly as she’s alcohol dependent.
However much i dislike her, and however much i’m concerned she could/would spoil our wedding day and i certainly agree with him about the photo’s – i’m still very aware that she’s his mother and not having her there is something he may regret later in life and I know if I were a mother and my son banned me from his wedding it would really, really hurt. At the same time, my loyalty is to him and i want to support him and help him decide…
We’re both losing sleep over this, and keep going round in circles as to what to do, can any of you relate? Would you have her there? Go to counselling? Any insight would be really appreciated.
Thanks Bee’s x
Post # 3
I can sort of relate. My mother and I have a very tense relationship and have always had issues. A week before my wedding we got into a massive fight and I told her I didn’t want her at my wedding. I thought about that entire week, the exact same issues you are talking about. How would she act at my wedding? Would she create drama? Will I regret not having her there?
I ended up talking to my sister about it and I decided to let her come but she wouldn’t really play a part in the day. There will always be a chance that we will fight again and I’ll have a little twinge of madness that she’s in my wedding photos but I knew there was a much bigger chance of her and I mending our broken relationship and being so sad that she wasn’t there. I knew for a fact, no matter where our relationship was, when she dies I knew I would be so sad that she wasn’t there.
In the end, I’m glad I invited her. She was drunk and dancing all gross and slutty with her boyfriend but that’s the worst thing that happened.
Post # 4
It’s his mother, his call. He needs to think about how he’ll feel about those family photos in 10 years. They sound like they have a very unhealthy relationship, and outside interference usually makes things worse. I would absolutely not try and contact her or invite her unless he specifically says it’s ok. It’s nice that you have sympathy for her situation, but this is one of those times where all you can do is tell him that you’ll support whatever decision he makes.
Post # 5
You sound alot like me when we were planning our wedding.
Like you, my husband’s relationship with his mother was not a close one (which is why it was so weird that she acted crazy because they don’t even have a good relationship, but that is another story.) Anyway, things got so tense that my husband threatened that if his parents behavior did not change, that they would not be invited to the wedding. He did this on his own, I neither encourged or discouraged him to make that threat. After that conversation, his parents let up, and ultimately were invited to the wedding.
The best thing you can do as his spouse is support him, let him vent, and be on his side. But do not say negative things about his parents, and do not make any decisions regarding his parents. This needs to be his decision 100%. This is something I learned through my ordeal, is that it only hurt his feelings more if I jumped on his negative parent bandwagon. I use to vent to him my fustations about his parents, and that just made the stress level on him worse.
Post # 6
Invite her. She might not come, but at least you’ll know that you were always open and welcoming to her, regardless of her issues.
Post # 7
It would probably be best to invite her with a contingency plan for her removal if she starts acting up. However, it’s his decision to make and he needs to make it.
Post # 8
@AnnieAAA: It’s a relief someone else has been the partner in this situation, i don’t talk to my friends about it because they all seem to have great relationships with their MIL’s. I’m absolutely with you on the not talking badly about her to him, my mum can be a bit batty at times and i’d hate it if he suddenly joined in on my vents about her so i tend to just convide in my sister about her if it’s getting a bit much. You’re right that he needs to make this descision, did your partner go kind of back and forth when you two were planning or was he quite certain? Mine is really struggling, he goes down to the pub and talks to all of his colleagues and mates about it and comes home with a different thought each evening depending on the advice he’s recieved. I keep saying nothing’s set in stone, he can wake up the morning of the wedding and change his mind and i’ll do whatever he needs me to xx
Thanks to all replying, it really helps! x
Post # 9
@FL91: It was a bit of going back and forth, his parents eventually got out of line and that is when he threatened to not invite them, and after that they were better so he felt comfortable that they wouldn’t make a scene at the wedding and did invite them.
Unfortunately at the wedding they did end up hurting his feelings because they wanted to leave the wedding an hour early and when they walked up to him to say that “they were taking off” he got quite upset that they wanted to leave their own son’s wedding an hour early (and it was only 9PM and they didn’t have anything to do the next day.)
BUT, even though they upset him at the wedding, he is still glad that they were there – he would of been much more hurt and quite frankly embarrassed if they weren’t there. I know your FI is going back and forth, but this is a decision that cannot be changed, so I do think he may regret not inviting his mother. However, what you can do is have another family member that is designated to keep an eye on her and if she starts to cause a scene, that person can escort her out of the wedding. Ironically, this happened at my RD and I had no clue. My MIL got drunk and was acting kind of sloppy so my FIL actually stepped in and asked my BIL to take her to the hotel. I, my husband, nor the guests even noticed.