Post # 1
FI’s co-worker just asked him, “How much are you paying per plate [for the wedding]? I like to give gifts based on that.”
I was flabbergasted that he just came out and said that to FI. FI didn’t know how to respond because, for one, he didn’t know, and for two, what do you say to someone that asks that?
I mean, I know people sometimes give gifts based on how “fancy” the wedding is, but to come right out and ask…. TACKY. (And I don’t use that work lightly). FI just said, $500 (obviously joking) and the both laughed and FI walked away.
What do you think? Am I overreacting? What would you have said?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
If a coworker had asked DH, he probably would have said, “No idea… ask the wife-to-be. Thanks for the thought, man.” And it would have died there. I’m guessing this was a guy asking, and they are clueless. He was asking an honest question (to honest). I wouldn’t be angry, though. He wants to give a gift!
Post # 4
I would have pointed both fingers at him, like a Fonzy “ehhh” sort of thing, and said “I’m not teeellllinnggg” in a sing song voice and then laugh and walk away. He stuck his foot in his mouth, but it’s no reason to get too puffed up about. If he keeps asking or is being persistant on knowing this, I would just tell him
“You asking me this all the time makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t appreciate it.” But I would only drop that line if he is truly getting out of hand.
Post # 5
I think all he wants to do is give a gift in the same amount that you are paying for his plate dinner… I don’t see what’s wrong with that. What FI said $500 was funny, can you imagine if he gave a $500 gift?
Post # 6
I think “$500! Hahahahahaha,” was the perfect way to handle it. If he keeps asking, your FI should just tell him he’s not comfortable talking about the cost of the wedding.
Post # 7
I think his question was with good intentions. He probably doesn’t know how much to give and didn’t want to offend anyone by not gifting “enough”.
Post # 8
I would say…”Wow, great! We’re paying $1000 a person. Thanks!”
No really, I would have said, “Um, that’s very generous, but please don’t feel obligated to give us anything.”
Post # 9
I would just tell FI to say “oh I dont know my fiancee is handling all that”. I do think its rude to come out and say that the gift is based on how much was spent on the food. Thats a bit shallow. The gift should be based on how close you are with the person and what you feel motivated to give.
Post # 10
I would say “We are paying $789.28 per person! Thank you for being so generous!”
Post # 11
A gift is a gift…not the cost of admission to your wedding. It was tacky of him to ask, but I have to assume that he doesn’t know better. Prior to joining the Bee, there were plenty points of etiquette that I didn’t even know existed! 🙂
I agree with @peachacid: “that’s very generous, but please don’t feel obligated to give us anything.”is perfect.
Post # 12
@GreenEyedMoon: Ditto. I think this is the best way to handle it without being too awkward
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I would have said “We haven’t made the final decisions yet, so we don’t know the “per plate” amount. “
It is incredibly rude to base your gift on how “fancy” the wedding is, and it is even more rude to blatantly ask a couple how much they are spending. It is none of the guests business what the event cost, and unless they are a close friend or family, they should NEVER inquire.
Post # 14
Around here, it’s normal to give a gift that covers the cost of your plate. I learned that fairly recently, and am embarrassed about gifts I gave before I knew that. So I don’t give too much blame to the asker. We generally just try to guess when we give gifts. I’ve even asked someone else who lives in the same geographic region as the wedding so I can get a general idea of how much to give. Of course I didn’t ask the bride or groom of the actual wedding, so perhaps that is the difference.
Post # 15
I understand that some people give gifts on the cost of the plate (but I still don’t fully understand, because a lot more goes into a wedding than just food – I guess it is just the only “consumable” part?) So I guess I would understand if maybe he asked about what we are planning on serving and adjusting his gift based on that, but to just say, “what I am giving you as a gift is dependent on how much you spend on me” is just rude.
I think if he was a woman, people would be put off a bit more, but are cutting him some slack because he’s a guy. He’s 38 and been to plenty of weddings, so I just assumed he knew better.
Post # 16
We’ve both had people ask us that question. Doesn’t bother me at all. We just tell them.
They have good intentions.