Weddingbee boards

Hi Hive,

I have a frustrating problem that I thought was solved. I'm sorry in advance that this is a long post.

FI and I have been together for 4.5 years. I met his parents after the first six or eight months. He just introduced them as "my parents" and they didn't take the initiative to tell me what they wanted me to call them. Soooo, for a long time, I called them nothing at all. I was a master of never having to call them by any name at all.

I can't remember when or how it came out (if they "announced it" to FI or if he asked them), but eventually it came out that I was not "allowed" to call them by their first names. They said they knew it was traditional, but they just didn't want me to call them by their first names. They told me that "mom" and "dad" were okay with them, but I am not comfortable with that. I also think "Mr & Mrs Lastname" is overly formal and makes it hard to have a close relationship. Also, I'm 30 years old, and I haven't called anyone Mr/Mrs in aaaaages (except for my BF's parents, who I've known since nursery school! I never managed to make the switch for them).

Without me asking, FI's parents also announced that they'd be fine with a nickname. This seemed like a good middle ground for awhile, but we tried a few nicknames, and none ever stuck at all. Soooo, I kept calling them nothing and it felt SO very awkward. Finally, over Christmas, FI and I sat down with FMIL and had a heartfelt and polite conversation about how I really want to have a close relationship with her, but that I felt the awkwardness around not knowing what to call her is getting in the way. She agreed, and we eventually decided I'd call her by the first letter of her first name. I still didn't have a name for FFIL, but I was halfway there.

Since Christmas, I've used the new nickname and she has sent countless emails and cards signed with her new nickname. I thought it had stuck finally and was feeling better about the situation. In fact, I had really stopped thinking about it altogether since it seemed settled. Today, I get an email from her wanting to modify the nickname. Even though this seems like a little issue, I feel a bit shaken up about it because I thought we had this settled and were finally beginning to move on from what I find to be a very awkward situation. I don't want to spend any more emotional energy on this, so I feel like I'm just back at ground zero with nothing to call her.

She has a history of severe power struggles with my FSIL, and so part of me can't help but think this is part of that same dynamic, even though she's always been nice to me. I always imagined a close relationship with my inlaws, but the awkwardness around this situation seems to preclude that kind of closeness.

Any advice? Thanks! And sorry again for writing a book!

@moderndaisy The problem is, they never stated what they wanted. We went a long time without talking about it at all and when we finally addressed it, they said they didn't care what I called them, as long as it was not their first names. They didn't *want* me to call them Mom, Dad, Mr, Mrs, etc. They just did not want me to call them by first names. So that's where it got awkward...they couldn't tell me what they wanted and I didn't know what would be best/least awkward. They are the ones who suggested a nickname, but couldn't tell me what nickname.

@eriqua Yes, they told me that not using their first names is just an "old fashioned quirk" of theirs. FMIL always called her MIL by Mrs Lastname or by a nickname rather than her first name, so I guess it just feels normal to her. But, her MIL already had an existing nickname, so it was easy (I guess) for FMIL to go with it. Since my FMIL had no nickname and didn't want to tell me a new one, that's where the trouble came in.

@ all, thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts, experiences, and perspectives! I always find it so helpful!

I have an interesting situation with this whole 'name game' too. My biological mother and I are estranged so I haven't called anybody 'mom' for a long time (I refer to my stepmom as 'mom' to wedding vendors and such just because it's easier, but I don't call her mom to her face it's just too weird for me). Ok, so I have referred to and called my FMIL by her first name since a few months after FI and I started dating (before that, I called her Mrs. Lastname). Recently, when she leaves voicemails for me (on my cell phone) or emails me she refers to herself as 'mom.' Honestly, it kind of weirds me out. Anybody else have this? Just curious. I have never called FMIL mom. Oh, side note - FI calls my parents (dad and stepmom) by their first names.

Bella 

The other thing that I forgot to mention is that, when FMIL, FI, and I discussed this situation over Christmas, and came to what I thought was a solution, she flat out admitted that the reason she didn't let my FSIL call her by her first name was the whole power struggle thing. She was pissed at FSIL about some choices FSIL made about her wedding, so when they met for the first time, she refused to let FSIL call her Firstname. FSIL calls FMIL "mom" but has admitted to me that she feels very uncomfortable with it.

That conversation, and FMIL's admission to me, is why I can't help but wonder if this latest thing is power related. She's the mother of two boys and is used to being queen of the castle, and I can't help but wonder if she wants to make sure "I know my place" or something.

Although, since I wrote the first post, FI spoke to his mother and casually asked if her email demand to change her nickname was a joke or serious, and she says it was a joke. Ahhhhhhhh, fun times.

I try to get away with calling MIL nothing.  I would just talk "at her" but if I did call her something it would be her first name.

I call FIL his first name.

Sometimes I feel the only way out at this point is to wait til we have kids and then call them Grandma & Grandpa! :-)

Thanks for all of the advice & words of encouragement!

I struggle with this too.  I try not to call them anything. 

It feels too formal/professional calling them Mr. and Mrs., especially because we see each other a lot and I've been out of high school for 10 years :)

I've never directly asked, but FFIL signed an e-mail "Mr." so I kind of went with that... and just call them Mr. and Mrs. whenever I absolutely must address them.  I don't know if I'd feel comfortable calling them by first names or not, but it would be a lot less awkward than Mr. and Mrs.!

@artbee : If they had asked me to call them Mr/Mrs Lastname, I would do it even though I feel it is overly formal. But, they never asked me to do that. They never stated what they wanted at all, just what they didn't want (first names). When we had the official "what should I call you?" discussion, they said they didn't care what I called them, as long as it was not their first names.

They didn't *want* me to call them Mom, Dad, Mr Lastname, Mrs Lastname, etc. They just did not want me to call them by first names. I think that is a huge source of the awkwardness. They told me what not to call them, but could never articulate what they want to be called. They suggested using nicknames, but couldn't tell me what nickname. It just has felt weird/difficult for me to just make up the "right" nickname.

I'm probably making too much of it, but I hate awkwardness so so much.

This is so weird!  I couldn't imagine calling my MIL "S" and my FIL "B!"

I was going to point you to a recent thread on this same topic but I don't know... it doesn't address your very particular situation.

Anyhow here is the thread:

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-do-you-call-your-mother-and-father-in-law

Thanks everyone :-) I really appreciate your input!

It might indeed be generational, or even regional. My parents each called their inlaws by their first names at the request of my grandparents (who are or would be in their 90s now). Despite their generation, they were happy with first names. But like I said, I don't want to call FFIL/FMIL something that makes them uncomfortable, I don't want to call them something that I feel terrible about, I just want something to stick and to move on with our lives. 

It does make me feel less crazy to know that lots of other bees are coping with the awkwardness too :-)

@lemondrop, "yak fests" do sound like a nice way to get closer! Thanks!

@piglet_625 , thanks so much. My FI calls my mother and stepdad by their first names. Pretty much the first time they met, my mom just told him, "please, call me Firstname." So that made it pretty easy on him :-)

FMIL always called her mother in law by a cute nickname. In that case, it was easier b/c her mother in law already had a nickname that everyone already used. So FMIL didn't have to worry about it sticking or not.

I thought we had "solved" this whole issue when I summoned the courage to have a conversation with her about this over Christmas, but it seems like she wants to keep changing her mind (and just as the first nickname started to stick!) But, if she really was joking about updating her nickname, as she has since told FI, maybe I can stick with the first initial. I just want to pick one thing and move on. It seems silly that I've known them for 4 years, they've been welcoming to me, I've been super nice to them, yet we're still dealing with this weirdness ;-) Appreciate the input.

It's really funny & timely that this thread popped back up today, because guess who is arriving in town this afternoon for a visit? That's right, my future in laws!!!