What do you consider lying?

posted 2 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: What is your definition of lying?
    Omitting information : (1 votes)
    5 %
    Straight up lie to your face : (3 votes)
    14 %
    Half truths : (0 votes)
    Playing dumb : (0 votes)
    All of the above : (18 votes)
    82 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    4413 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I didn’t vote, because I think there’s a big difference between LYING and BEING DISHONEST. Lying is just straight-up saying something that isn’t true … but being dishonest encompasses pretty much everything else on the list. So when someone says “I didn’t lie to you about anything,” you can respond by reminding them that they don’t need to actually speak falsehoods to be considered dishonest. And dishonesty is every bit as bad as outright lying.

    Post # 3
    Member
    183 posts
    Blushing bee

    Lying includes all of the above. If a child is very young, explaining why lying hurts people is probably the way to go and using positive reinforcement when they tell the truth even when they did something wrong, also reminding them that theyre a good person because theyre so honest. Depending on the age and personality of the child, it gets trickier as they get older. Positive reinforcement still works but a child will get to a certain age where they tell the truthnot because they want to please adults but because they feel its the right thing to do. Establishing a sense of integrity and morals is important. However, you have to remember that everybody lies at some point. We’ve all told small lies and big lies and i personally dont believe that punishing is very effective in this situation. its much easier to get the truth out if you’re calm and dont threaten them. Once you get the truth, calmly decide whats appropriate together with your FI. Sometimes, a good serious heart to heart convo is way more effective than criticism or punishments. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    4413 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    NurseMandie:  young people — especially teenagers! — love to push the boundaries and stick to EXACTLY what you said to them. So if the rule is “no lying” then of course they’re gonna think they’re in the clear so long as they don’t actually say something that isn’t true. I remember arguing with my mom about so many stupid technicalities when I was younger … stuff like “you told me I couldn’t play a video game, but this isn’t a video game — it’s a PC game!” Hopefully approaching it from the angle of dishonesty rather than lying will help avoid her getting off on a technicality.

    Post # 6
    Member
    7664 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    Lying is saying something which is untrue. However, half truths, playing dumb, and omission are not honest (even though they are not lying). PROVIDED that you are sure that this is done with the intent to decieve, I think this type of thing needs nipping in the bud.

    Post # 7
    Member
    4797 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    NurseMandie:  I don’t really have advice I’m afraid, but I feel for you. I was stepmother to FOUR kids for a while and for 3 years they lived with us. Being a step parent is DIFFICULT. I’ve always heard the punishment should come from the “real” parent. Another problem we had was the ex-wife not necessarily backing us up. Grrrrr!

    Post # 8
    Member
    4483 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I would emphasize intention. If she’s telling you two different things, with the intention of having you think two different things, then that’s most likely dishonest, unless she’s just confiding harmless details to one of you that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with the other. But if she’s playing dumb and trying to stay out of trouble, it’s probably not innocent. You don’t mention her exact age, but since you say she’s a teen, I’ll assume she hopes to have privileges like dating, driving, and staying out later in the years to come. With your  DH, present a united front that lets her know those priveleges will only be possible with mutual trust. If you can’t trust her to make good decisions in the small situations, how will you trust her to make good decisions about issues like sex, drugs, and safe driving?

    Post # 10
    Member
    1266 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I agree with explaining that being dishonest is just as bad as lying.  If I were you, I would talk to your FI and set up a time for you both to confront the teenager together.  Make sure you two are on the same page about what needs to be said and what the punishment is.  Teenagers are very sensitive to being embarrassed, so I would try to push the “Obviously we were going to talk to each other and find out about this.  How did you think you could get away with it?” angle.  Your teen will remember how embarrassing it was to be caught peddling two different stories.  Make sure she knows you will always have ways of finding out the truth, so it’s pointless to play dumb or make up stories.<br />

    That said, teens will naturally try to assert their independence and freedom.  If you can explain that she will have more freedom if she is honest with you and tells you things ahead of time, that might provide an incentive to be truthful in the future. Punishing teens rarely changes behavior, but providing incentives usually works. This sounds terrible, but raising kids is very much like training a dog.  Positive reinforcement is better than negative.<br />

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