Post # 1
I don’t have many friends left. Many have moved away for school so I only see them occasionally when they’re visiting. I have one friend who still lives nearby… but I never hear from her anymore. She was my MOH, I considered her my best friend. But since the wedding I find when I do send her a message, it’s a very short response, and it’s like she’s not interested in keeping a conversation going. She lives out in the country and doesn’t have the best cell reception, so our best means of communication is facebook or email – something she can use WIFI for. She works in the city, but she never answers her phone during work hours.
In the last 6 months or so, I have always been the one to initiate a conversation. I send the message, only to get a response she’s busy. I’ve seen her once in that time and it was tough to find a day that worked.. I almost thought she was making excuses. I had to change plans that I already had to accomodate her in the end.
I’m just wondering, at what point do I just give up? She’s the only friend I have left… but I also don’t want to be the annoying person who didn’t get the hint, or the clingy friend who always wants to do something. I’m just worried that if I stop trying to see her, I’ll never hear from her again.
What should I do?
Post # 2
I think it depends on what you expect out of the friendship. My best friend lives across the country, so we don’t see or speak to each other much, but it doesn’t change our friendship. When we do find the time to see each other, it’s like we’ve been living alongside one another the entire time. Some people need more interaction than that to maintain a friendship while others don’t.
Post # 3
I’m pretty much in the same boat. Friends moved away. Or their circle of friends changed.
I try to make small talk or “KIT” but it rarely leads to ever trying to hang out On their end. I had gotten advice from bees to try to be more forward about a date place or time to meet up instead of saying “we should hang out soon!” well that didn’t work either.
people change. It sucks. It seems pretty common around late 20s early 30s to be in a lull with friendship.
Post # 4
Oh and I joined meetup.com and am part of a group which is usually fun. But it’s hard to find friends with common interest sometimes still.
Post # 5
I’m in the same position so I fully empathize and sympathize with your situation. All my friends are moms with multiple kids and I find we just don’t have much in common as I’m childless.
I have some friends that we cannot talk for a month or two and it’s like nothing ever changed and I have other friends that I don’t even know who they are.
What I do is periodically call, attempt to meet up for coffer/lunch/dinner and if it doesn’t happen I let it fade until the next time I feel the urge to make contact again (usually a few more months). In the mean time I live my life I try to make new friends and keep myself occupied.
Everyone says they are busy. But the reality is people make time for the things that are important to them. Don’t live your life waiting by the phone for anyone to call.
Post # 6
I was just taking to FI about this the other day. I am the same with not many (about to be no) friends. One is moving away again and every time I text her I get one word answers. Last time she moved back home (states away) she just left! Didn’t say goodbye, didn’t hang out before leaving, nothing! Poof! I expect the same this time bc she is moving in a few weeks and still doesn’t want to meet up. Another friend I have known from 6th grade so I knew she was always like this. It’d still hurtful though. She only wants to hang out when it’s convenient for her or if I have sports tickets. FI best man stopped taking to him for no reason. It’s been over a year since he’s heard from him! Guess he’s not on the wedding!
So, I know how you feel. It super sucks but I’m at the point of just giving up. I’d rather have no friends than be treated like crap. If you stop contacting your friend and never hear from her again, is there really any loss? Do you want a one sided friendship?
Post # 7
I feel the same way. I even feel like sometimes I’m an acquaintance to a bunch of people instead of a friend… but they never think to invite me to do things or just say hi. Or I’m the one they call to vent to about a recent breakup, but then when the relationship starts up again I find out through Facebook, and said friend falls off the face of the earth.
I’m going to treat them the same way they treat me, which doesn’t solve the “lonely” problem but does keep me from feeling the way you described. I’m actually pregnant and I don’t plan on personally telling these so-called friends. If they find out, fine, and I’m sure there will be lots of “why didn’t you telllll meee?” but oh well.
Don’to waste your friendship on people who don’t treat you the same way!
Post # 8
It really is a huge bummer when the few friends you do have left do not make an effort to stay in touch with you. But this is pretty typical given your life circumstances. It sounds like your friend is just in a different place in her life and not available to chat with you. When I was single and busy trying to further my career and date at the same time, I’m pretty sure my married girl friends would have said the same thing about me — that I was MIA most of the time. But now that I am engaged and my life is more “settled” now, I have more time in my schedule to hang-out with my married friends and do things with them.
Usually, when you are in a serious committed relationship and “settled” your schedule becomes more routine and there is a regularity in your day-to-day and weekly activities. When you’re single and busy working, your schedule tends to be more chaotic and things can change on a dime. As a result, single people tend to hang-out more often and married people tend to hang-out together.
If I were you, I would give your friend the “benefit of the doubt” and let her do her own thing. Perhaps when her life is more settled and she herself is in a serious relationship, she might become more available to you to hang-out. I would highly recommend that you try to find other married/settled women in your area and hang-out with them. As one bee suggested, Meetup.com is a great way to meet other people in your area. I myself joined a group that supports women and children who are victims of violence and abuse, and have found many new friends that way.
Post # 9
MrsGatito: I suggest joining meet up. It worked for me after I got married. I found a few groups that center around meeting other women my age for happy hour, dinners, etc. I also joined a few groups that center around couples. My DH and I have meet a few nice couples that we meet up with here and there.
I have lost many friends over the last several years. Some of these women have had children (i have no kids and plan on having none) and the dynamic is so different now. It’s like I have nothing in common with these girls anymore. Other girls have moved and some have gotten involved in relatinships and do not have time for friendship.
I have found myself in numerous one sided friendships (me doing all the connecting, planning, etc). When I got married, I found that a lot of these “friends” could not be bothered with my wedding (I didn’t expect people to come, but a card or message would have been nice). I was deeply hurt by all of this. I took a step back and re evaluated my life and who was in it. I decided to remove myself from those one sided friendships. It has been a tough journey but I am glad that I am on this road…….
As for your friend…. I would give her space. In my opinion, you have done enough….. If she comes around great, if not, then you know where you stand……..
Post # 10
housebee: I realize that, I just feel like things have changed. We use to chat over facebook all the time, back and forth, and now I send a message asking how she is, or asking about her latest trip, and all I get is “I’m good, thanks.” or “The trip was fun”. And I just don’t know how to keep it going. Eventually I just have nothing to say anymore.
californiabride2013: That’s exactly how I’m feeling – like it’s a one sided friendship. I just don’t know how long I should keep trying. Maybe space is best right now.
JazzyGirl85: I don’t want a one sided friendship, no. But I don’t exactly want to lose the friendship either. But I guess there’s nothing I can do if there’s no effort on her part.
Post # 11
Maybe talk to her about this.. see what kind of reponse your receive. There has to be give abd take abd you arent getting any give. You have to get soemthing out of the friendship as well, and if this is obsolete, well maybe its just time to move on. Unfortunatley distance can really effect a friendship, doesnt mean they care about you any less.
I dont think you should ever give up, but maybe just dont reach out as much.
Post # 12
When it comes to friends, it is best not to chase those who do not show the same amount of interest.
We all make time for what is important to us. Your friend has other priorities and for whatever reason, she just isn’t as interested in the friendship as you are.
I second the Meetup suggestions.
Post # 13
I have a three strikes rule. If I ask a friend to meet up or schedule a time for a phone chat or Skype chat and three times in a row they are unable to commit, I drop it. It’s not worth getting upset over or wasting energy on. I don’t necessarily end the friendship or anything, it’s just that at that point the ball is in their court. It may very well be that they are just going through a very busy time and legitmately aren’t available- which is fine. In that case, I know that they will pick up the phone and give me a call to make plans when things finally settle down. People have lives and sometimes people go through tough times and don’t have the time or emotional availability for friendships. Bottom line- email or message her asking what a good time to call and chat would be. That puts the ball entirely in her court. If she can’t make herself available, then it may be time to give her some space.
Post # 14
MrsGatito: If she’s giving you short replies, do you think it’s possible she’s upset with you about something? Have you asked her?
Post # 15
I am 30 and have very few people who I consider to be my real friends. My best friends are girls who I do not talk to very often, but when I do see them (1-2 times a year) it is like we have never had a day apart. I would do anything for them and I know they would do anything for me, but we are all well aware that as an adult life just gets in the way.