Post # 1
How do you all deal with your husbands friends? Anyone have friends that you just can’t get along with? I worry about this idea a lot – because it happened with my parents all the time. I started thinking about this after reading this article, "What to Do When You Dislike Your Partner’s Friends" By Dr. Paul Coleman:
It has some good tips that are practical, but sometimes easy to forget:
- Allow your spouse to have a "best friend" that isn’t you.
- As much as possible, complain about behaviors, not character.
- Don’t turn the issue into a loyalty conflict.
- Ask your spouse’s friends about their lives.
- Be sure it’s the friends that really bother you and not some other issue.
Post # 3
There are a few friends I’m not as fond of as others. I tend not to compain about them but I will avoid spending time with them. None of them are horrible influences, he just drinks to much with them. I let him go out with them but will excuse myhself to spend a night at home or with my friends.
I know he isn’t fond of one of my friends because she is very opinionated, which is one fo my favorite things about her. She doesn’t live close so we see her seldom and he just sort of accepts her when I see her.
Post # 4
I think there is only one of my friends he could do without. Luckily she lives far away, and visits about once a year. Interestingly enough, she kind of annoys me too if I spend too much time with her.
He also has one friend that I’m not crazy about. He lives closer, but not that close. We see him three or four times a year. He can actually be a lot of fun, but really needs to grow up. If we saw him more, I would have issues with him, but as it is he doesn’t annoy me too much. And again, FI admits that although he likes this guy, his general lifestyle choices are hard to agree with, such that if he had to spend more time with him, their friendship would probably suffer. I did let him know that it would make me a little uncomfortable if this guy was invited to the bachelor party, based on what I know about his lifestyle. And FI said "Hell no we’re not inviting him – he would end up getting everyone in trouble!" Turns out the last such party he attended this guy hired a bunch of strippers who did more than strip, if you know what I mean, and most of the guys were really offended, and when the wives and girlfriends found out, everyone slept on the couch for days. (This particular friend is divorced, and its easy to figure out why.)
I guess we’re pretty lucky so far. We have a lot of the same values, and about the same sense of humor, and so we tend to like the same people, and for the same reasons. And when we dislike people, it tends to be for the same reasons as well.
Post # 5
The other issue at hand – which often stirs up more controversy – is trying to like the guys that your friends pick for husbands….a delicate subject at best, but sometimes more controversial.
Post # 6
Definately. Or vice versa, it seems, as I have some guy friends who have married women that I really don’t like, or who really don’t like me – or maybe who really don’t like their men being friends with a woman. It is kind of rare to have a good friend of either sex who marries someone that you can also be good friends with – someone as great as they are. It also seems rare to have a good friend who is still as great when they are with their spouse. I guess I am lucky there too – a lot of my good friends have married great people. Some haven’t. Some of them I’m not such good friends with anymore…
Post # 7
Like tberry mentioned, I always avoid hanging out with them. It’s irritating to me (at 24) that some of FI’s friends still drink and act like they’re 21 (no offense to the 21 year olds here–it’s just that they drink and act like guys how just turned 21 and now can legally drink)….and they’re all 29/30. He knows how I feel about them and doesn’t press me to hang out with that group of his friends.
Post # 8
For the most part his friends are really nice people, some are a little confused at times I think, but who hasn’t had their moments? He does have one friend that I can not absolutely stand. This guy comes over without calling (we live 45 minutes away) shows up at 8:30 on a Saturday morning (when we already had plans for the day!) and expects us to drop everything to accomodate to his wishes. On top of all that, he’s been bad mouthing me to mutual friends of theirs who haven’t met me yet, but boy do I hear about it when I meet those people. This said friend was originally only aloud over to our house when I wouldn’t be home -or I would purposefully make my own plans when he’s coming over, but in light of the bad mouthing he’s done, I’ve told my husband the guy is no longer welcome in our home. My husband was alright with that since his friend had been annoying him a lot the months prior.
Thanks for sharing the article! I’m going to take a look at it right now.
Post # 9
I really like all of my FH’s friends, with the exception of 1, and that’s because he is a hot mess:)
Post # 10
We have been together since we were 15 & 16 so we have mostly the same friends. So I like all of them! He does have another set of guy friends that went to his High School (and therefore I wasn’t as close with) but over the past 8 years I’ve gotten to know them. They’re all good people!
Post # 11
GaPeach — a lot of my FI’s friends are like that too, but I guess I can’t fault them too much. My FI was like that until he met me, and they’re all still single (Can you guess why?).
And of course these are the guys that he’s picking as his groomsmen. Fortunately our venue doesn’t allow alcohol, so I won’t have to worry about the insanity that would ensue with booze in these men!
It’s not that I disapprove of drinking, but many of these guys are consistently inconsiderate to my FI, doing the kind of things you were talking about, KermitClin. They blow him off after making plans to hang out or show up in the middle of the night dead drunk looking for a couch to crash on. And he’s so nice that he’ll let them do it.
But I guess that’s part of the reason I love him. He’s too damn loyal a friend.
Post # 12
iluvnate – i luv the phrase hot mess. that just made me laugh big time!
Post # 13
I really don’t like my FI’s best friend. He is the total opposite of my FI, and the only reason they remain friends is because "they’ve been friends so long". I will spare the details, but I just don’t like the guy. He has calmed down since his son was born last month, but I avoid hanging out with him at all possible. He’ll be harder to avoid when I move in with FI, but I will try my best. FI knows how I feel, so he won’t force him on me. Luckily I love his dog, and I can play with the baby when we go over there, so there are distractions.
Post # 14
I love hot mess too, and have recently added it to my commonly used phrases. I’m very opinionated about things, and have told FI about any friends I don’t like. Sometimes I’m too vocal, but thats me. Luckily 99% of his friends are my friends, and we have mutually decided that if there is a real issue with a friend on either side we will not be friends with said person. It has worked out really well, mostly since there are only a handful of people who are constants in our lives. Most other friends only seem to surface during the summer when we’re hanging out on the deck by the pool and cooking out on the grill basically every weekend. We all pretty much hibernate during the winter and then get back together over the summer
Post # 15
His best friends are also great friends to me, which I think is really important. I don’t require that we all be best friends or anything like that (it just sort of happened that way) but I think it’s important for them to respect me and for my friends to respect him.
Post # 16
I just try not to be around when they’re around. I like that SO cuts loose and laughs and generally has a good time when they’re around but his friends weren’t born with filters. And by this I mean, they just don’t know what’s appropriate and not appropriate to say out loud. You just do not comment on people’s relationships, especially not in the bedroom. I hate how his friends think it’s A-OK to tell me that I need to be popping out kids and doing certain things when the lights go out at night, you know? They usually make one or two inappropriate comments per evening or whatever so it’s not like everything coming out of their mouths is derogatory but it’s enough to really upset me.