every now and then I see posts discussing the importance of the ring as symbol of love AND of the fact that the man can provide for the woman AND put her needs first. I read posts of girls complaining their SOs didn’t spend enough on their ring even if they could afford it. Recently, somebody was complaining about her fiance spending money on golf clubs instead of buying her a “better” ring. Or somebody saying that the bf had years to save for the ring but they didn’t.
I do believe in gender equality. I do believe that in today’s world the man is not the sole breadwinner and the woman is not anymore confined to the house.
So my question is: if you expect your SO to start saving for your ring and spend a certain amount on it possibly renouncing to something he wants for himself, what do YOU do to show that you put him first too? What do YOU renounce to?
I personally didn’t renounce to anything specifically, but at the same time I didn’t ask my husband for a certain ring, I would have been ok with whatever.. probably.. hard to say though, since I love my ring.
Also, I don’t want to offend anybody, just trying to understand different point of views.
It’s different for each couple, different strokes for different folks. Some people really put a lot of stock in their rings and some just don’t. Personally, my husband and I compromise in a lot of ways that have nothing to do with grand gestures or big purchases. We put each other first where necessary.
@julesjules83: I’m with you!
As far as the golf club thread goes, I’ve been thinking - if I were in that situation what would I have done? Well, in the first place DH, while we were dating, would have felt perfectly comfortable, knowing me, that he’d have gladly shared the fact he was considering buying golf equipment, as well as an engagement ring. I would have told him to PLEASE, of course, buy himself something he wanted before worrying about my ring. He knows me and he knows I will always, without exception, put HIM above MYSELF. Even though he usually won’t let me!!
He doesn’t have to hide anything from me, because he knows, without question, I always have his best interest at heart, as I know he has mine.
A relationship between a selfish person and a non-selfish one is a strain on the unselfish soul. A relationship between two selfish people is hell on earth. A relationship between people who unselfishly love each other, unconditionally, is the way it should be.
From the ring standpoint, it was important to him to buy it for me, and he bought more ring than I was expecting.
In everyday life, everything’s a compromise. Everything goes through our goals for our marriage.
For me it is more about service rather than money. For instance, I HATE cooking, but I try to cook because it makes my husband really happy. I also don’t enjoy football, but I watch the games with him to make him happy. Or if he is working overtime, I drop dinner off. This is more in response to how I show I put him first which I think you should do regardless of how much your ring cost, because cost was not an issue for us. We did not discuss how much he was going to spend prior and I was happy with what I got. We both try to make each other a priority. He does things to put me first as well, such as taking time out of his day to put gas in my car, etc. Don’t know if this really answers your question, but think it does and hope it gives you some insight!
He bought me my dream ring so I bought him his dream golf clubs. This was something we discussed beforehand. We make about the same, so it seemed unreasonable to me that he would spend so much money on me and I wouldn’t spend anything on him. So, following the ring, he got to pick out his engagement present. A few of our friends have followed suit.
I think that it is different for everyone. SO told me how much he was willing/wanted to spend and I found a ring well below that budget. However, I do get irritated and hurt when he goes out and spends hundreds of dollars on guns, parts for his car and other frivilous things when he isn’t saving anything for my ring but tells me every day that he can’t wait to marry me someday. That is extremely frustrating to me, especially when I spoil him pretty terrilby 90 percent of the time.
I never asked for any specific ring (I actually had no say and the proposal and everything were a surprise). After he proposed I looked for a ring for him and I proposed to him too. I got him a sterling silver celtic knot band because he said he wouldn’t wear it after we were married so we decided that it wouldn’t do to spend a lot of money on it (I spent $40 on it). I like to buy him random presents though and they often get a bit expensive. He conversationally mentions that he’d like to have something and I mark in down on a list I have in my phone and buy it for him after he’s forgotten he ever mentioned it. I love seeing him so happy and surprised with these random presents.
Right now he’s the breadwinner, but I’ve been trying to get a job for 6 months now. We had agreed that I would earn enough money to cover half of the rent on our apartment until we’ve both graduated and are able to get ‘real’ jobs.
Things I do to show Mr. 99 he’s my #1
Talk to, listen to and vaue his opinions and feelings over everyone else’s.
Defend him, protect him and side with him, even when he’s wrong.
I care for him when he’s sick and hurt, cheer him up when he’s sad or unhappy and celebrate his victories with him as if they were my own.
I also put toothpaste on his toothbrush before bed, since I’m in there washing my face, I turn down his side of the bed, I heat his towel while he’s in the shower and I always tell him, before we go to sleep, “The blood in my veins, the air in my lungs and my final moments on this Earth, are yours, Mr. 99, sleep sweet.”
I think he knows he’s well loved.
@julesjules83: I hear you. When I see posts complaining about the man not spending enough on the ring I often roll my eyes! It’s just a piece of metal with a gemstone or so. When FI and I started discussing the possiblitiy of marriage, I explained the type of ring I’ve always wanted as my e-ring.I don’t buy into the whole diamonds thing. I also don’t buy into the whole propaganda that the man has to spend 3 months worth of earnings on the e-ring, that’s just silly. In my opinion it’s much more logical to get a nice fairly inexpensive ring and use the savings on a honeymoon or wedding or mortgage.
As for showing my FI that I put him first, I do 90% of the cooking, listen whenever he needs to vent, wake up earlier to make coffee, I do the chores that neither of us enjoys to do like grocery shopping.
I do agree that if a woman wants things done/bought for her, then she should do the same with her SO.
I have a few friends who complain that their SO never does anything sweet for them, and my question is always, “when was the last time you did something sweet for your SO?”
I think it is very important to know your SO’s love language, so that you can do things for them that truly make them happy. I am the type of wife who loves doing little surprises for my husband because I know that is how he feels loved. More then gifts, he appreciates thoughtful, homemade, put some time into it “gifts.” In return, my husband knows I appreciate surprise experiences/dates.
When it came to the ring, I did have a certain type of ring in mind (based on my personal taste of what kind of stone, color, and size that I like the best) and he wanted to fulfill that wish and made it a priority because I also make him, and the gifts/surprises that he appreciates, a priority.
It is a two way street.
I am not from the midframe of “take whatever he gives you” because personally, that would make me feel like I wasn’t priority if he didn’t take the time to consider my personal taste into account.
@hotpinkbride: yes it certainly does, thanks!
Of course I don’t think that everything comes down to money. My husband and I do small stuff for each other every day, as probably all the happy married couples.
I was mostly thinking about the girls that see it as a right to have a say on how much their bfs spend on their ring (or other stuff.. but the ring is the first thing coming to mind since it’s usually a heated topic on the boards). I didn’t give my husband a minimum diamond carat or anything, but ultimately he was happy to buy the best he could afford for me because he’s proud of making me happy. And of course I am happy.
I did not ask my husband for anything specific, but we did discuss my taste – the fact that I prefer quality over size, etc. He decided how much he wanted to spend. He’s an “old-fashioned” kind of guy in that respect, and saved up the money on his own for it and wouldn’t accept any help. But once the ring was on my finger, he was fine with me paying for the wedding (which cost about as much as the ring), then we not quite split the honeymoon, with him paying a little more just because he was making the advance bookings.
As for if I would be happy with just anything – no. Once he knew my taste and desire (a plain yellow gold band, platinum head with round solitaire), I’d be offended and have said no if he went and bought me a white gold princess-cut ring. Because a ring is a conditional gift, he’s making a sacrifice to buy it, and giving it to me asking me to make some sacrifice and become his wife. That’s something I’m thrilled to do if he showed that he cared about my wants and desires.
I’d have said yes to a plain gold band if that’s all he could afford, but I know he could afford more, so I’d feel very slighted if he chose to spend the money elsewhere. However, I made that very clear to him and he understood how I felt before we proceeded into engagement.
thank you all for your answers, I like getting different perspectives, and you guys made very good points! Of course love is not a one way street, and ultimately the most important thing is to love and be loved!
It just really makes me sad when I see girls being upset/angry/disappointed during one of the best time of their lives. When I got engaged everybody asked to see my ring but then.. what if I didn’t have one? I think society puts too much pressure on newly engaged couples.
Luckily my H and I were and are both in a good place financially so we don’t have to make really big sacrifices or do without just to give the other a big gift. But I do try and put his needs first in little ways, such as making dinner when he has a bad day or works late (I strongly dislike cooking so H normally does all of it, or conforming to his schedule when we travel or carpool to work or go out for the evening (he’s a morning person and I most definitely am not), or buying him random presents or treats, or letting him watch his shows/listen to his music, etc. I do tend to go overboard with presents though. I love buying fun things for H for Christmas and his birthday. For the past couple of years, I’ve even put together some extensive and epic treasure hunts for his birthday.
As PP said, it is a two way street. Both parties need to be willing to give a little. A man should want to give his woman her dream ring but the woman shouldn’t expect or even want her man to give up everything so she can have exactly what she wants.