(Closed) What do you do when…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Did you feel like this before and think it would go away, or did it just come up? Were you once excited about being a legal unit? I think that if you just suddenly decided this, then perhaps its not as serious. Do you think its the process or will you feel like something is wrong after you are married? Sorry for all the questions but I think to be able to give advice, we need more info. 

Post # 4
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

What are you specifically concerned about? Is it just the fact that you agreed to change your name and now you don’t want too? Or is it just all the legal stuff that goes with it? I find often people get cold feet before a big decision and to me (at least) that is normal! It is a big decision and it is going to affect your life in so many ways. Maybe step back and ask yourself why you wanted to get “married” (legally) in the first place?

Post # 5
Member
3098 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

You don’t have to change your name! I didn’t.

But, if you’re worried about a legal union, you may need to talk to your FI, and soon. You could have a wedding ceremony without the legality involved, if your FI is cool with it.

Post # 6
Member
9057 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I suppose you could change things to a “commitment ceremony” of sorts if you’re suddenly opposed to the concept of marriage, but still want to be with your FI forever…

Post # 7
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

From what you said alone, it’s hard to tell where your feelings are coming from and what they really indicate.  I think you need to examine for yourself what it is that’s bothering you about each of these things.

Is it that philosophically you don’t want to merge into a legal unit?  That politically it makes you uncomfortable to make this decision that others can’t make (I have trouble with this one sometimes)?  Is it nervousness that this decision will hurt you later on?  Anxiety that you’re giving up something of yourself?  It could be the hassle of dealing with forms.  Or it’s making you feel adult in a way you’re not ready for.  Maybe it’s a feeling that there are underlying problems with your relationship.

I don’t lay out all these possibilities because I think it is or isn’t any one (or more) of them.  Just that there’s several different things you seem nervous about.  Break them down – think about it individually.  The name change can be totally separate – if that’s part of your anxiety, see what happens if you remove it from the equation.  Remember – you can always change your name later in life if you decide you want to.  There’s so many different types of feelings that can be causing this.  Some might just be cold feet – some might be things that need to be talked through – some may be dealbreakers.  I think the most important thing before deciding what to do is to figure out exactly what is making you so nervous and why.

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Skip the name change, then! you can always do it later, should you choose to.

It kinda sounds like cold feet, frankly. Talk to your Fi about it–tell him you’re just freaking out a little. Maybe hearing some wonderfully reassuring things from him will calm you down. It IS a little frightening, but I don’t see how it could not be.

Post # 11
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

You are already in a “binding agreement” with a lot of people: insurance agencies, cell phone/internet plans, and the government, not to mention your parents or any siblings. Why not the love of your life?

This aside, there is nothing wrong with having a ceremony and no legally-binding documentation of it. You can be married in the eyes of family/friends/religion/each other without also being married in the eyes of the state. The difference is degree of control… you will not have insurance, hospital visitation, next-of-kin, or tax rights.

I tend to agree with previous poster about the “cold feet” concept. It sounds like it just hit you, intellectually, that you’re getting married. That SHOULD make you think about the decision, but shouldn’t deter you from doing what you want.

Post # 13
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee

You sound overwhelmed right now and so you are overthinking it.  Name change and all that stuff is not that difficult just time consuming and you can do it later.

Sometimes I feel that way about getting married.  The thought and the pressure can scare you if you let it.

Share some with your FI and take some of the pressure off yourself.  Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

sounds like you have cold feet – i can relate!  hang in there, get a massage, and enjoy the next few weeks!

Post # 15
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hi, date twin! I have felt some of this from time to time, so maybe it helps you to know you’re not alone… yes, even with only 12 days to go!

The name change thing hit me all of a sudden recently, like it represents becoming a different person or something…

In stressful wedding-prep moments, I’ve blurted out in a half-joking way, “Stop this train, I wanna get off!” I’ve also, in a more serious way, told my FI everything about FOREVER that freaks me out—that we’ll get bored, that we’ll get borING, that we’ll grow apart, that THIS IS IT…he does NOT have cold feet, and doesn’t usually have to say much; it kind of just helps knowing I can throw all these fears at him honestly.

 

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