(Closed) What do you do when your twin hates your FI?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

Hi there!  Sorry you are going through this.  🙁  At first the fact that she is anti-marriage made me think it was just a jealousy thing.  That she is jealous he gets most of your time.  But your mutual friend’s comment “she has to make her own mistakes” got me a little worried…  This friend has never voiced a concern to you?  If I were you I would not admit to snooping, as I think that will just make your sister defensive and cause drama.  I would try to ask the mutual friend what her thoughts on your boyfriend are, in a non-chalant way.  Maybe bring it up casually one day…  I’m sorry, this is such a tough position to be in!!  Good luck and please keep us updated!

 

Also, if you sister hates him that much why is she agreeing to help him ring shop?

Post # 4
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

Hi again, I have one more thing to add.  It might be worth it to try once more to talk to your sister about why she doesn’t like him.  But, be careful how you go about it.  Instead of “why don’t you like him, he makes me happy and he’s never done anything to you!”  I would try something more along the lines of “You’re my sister and I love you, and the fact that you have issues with my boyfriend makes me worried.  Is there something about him that I’m not seeing?  I love him and he makes me happy but I also love you and it is very important to me to hear your view on our relationship.”  Maybe if you put it that way she’ll be more likely to give you her true honest opinion. 

Post # 5
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

When I don’t like someone’s boyfriend I just let it be. If they’re happy then all is good (unless he is beating her or something else extreme which thankfully I’ve never had to deal with).

If they aren’t saying anything to you then its probably just a personality issue (you can’t get along with everyone).

Post # 6
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would talk to her.  

Her not liking him doesn’t bother me so much, I think that could be jealousy.

But the fact that he’s dishing to everyone but you bothers me.  And I would find out if she can separate between not liking him and not liking him FOR YOU.

Post # 7
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Without knowing you guys, and just by reading your post, it definitely sounds like a jealously thing.  You are her #1 – – sister, best friend, partner in crime; and now you’ve found someone else she has to share her time with.  It makes sense she would be a little jealous.

As far as your friend’s response, she may just be trying to be there for your sister and let her vent.  Who knows what stories your sister may have told her (true or made up in her mind), so your friend could either just trying to be supportive, or could be basing her opinion off of the stories your sister has told her.  (For ex, maybe your sister said that your FI always just ignores her and is rude – in response to the “he never said hi to her once.”)

You will never know unless you fess up to both of them and confront them on their emailing.  However, it sounds like they are just being gossipy/caddy so who knows what kind of reaction you’ll get from them. 

 

Post # 8
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Definitely don’t admit to snooping! I do agree you need to have a talk with twin, and use what you read to frame the conversation. Don’t let her try to confuse you with platitudes or monotone responses to avoid conflict at this point.

My sense is that this is an adjustment for her, and that she is not ready to give up all her time with you. Also, simple jealousy as your opposing views on love and marriage are “paying off” for you and maybe she secretly wishes some guy would prove her wrong? Whatever her issue is, it seems pretty plain to me that they are probably hers alone. I think the friend saying “you have to let her make her own mistakes” is just a platitude that we say to our friends in order to help them feel supported, honestly. I’ve said it a time or two to someone to dissuade them from interfering or meddling into someone’s relationship!

Regardless, being in love changes you, and if the love is right and you get married you begin to change and grow in tune with your mate. I can see that being very tough for a twin to accept. Be patient with your sister, but keep working to get to the bottom of it.

Post # 9
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would just tell her that you’ve heard around that she still had a problem with your fiance. Ask her to please not talk crap about him to your mutual freinds. She will just assume that one of them mentioned it to you.

Also, this seems like a clear-cut case of jealousy and her own personal beliefs clouding her judgement. You friends may have been replying just with what she wanted to hear. If no one has actually said anything to you, then no one is that concerned about it.

Post # 10
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You need to talk to your twin. I like @frugalfiance‘s wording. I agree with others – it sounds like your twin is jealous and/or angry you are spending so much more time with your SO. The friend’s response doesn’t necessarily sound like she agrees with you twin’s assessment of your SO. Honestly, what else is she going to say? I interpreted it as “keep your mouth shut and let her make her own decisions, be them mistakes or otherwise”. That said, she is your sister and I think you need to investigate whether she has a legitimate reason for disliking him. While you’re at it, I’d check with your parents too. 

Post # 11
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I can speak from experience: my FI has an identical twin who hates me. And just like your sister, he hates me for no apparent, valid reason. He has hated me since day 1 of me dating his brother. Let me tell you this: your sister is jealous! Jealous that she is no longer no1 in your life. Jealous that you have moved on, have different priorities and are less available to her. And she is expressing that jealousy by degrading your FI and bring rude to him. Don’t believe all the nonsense and rumours and slandering she is doing. She is doing that only to cover up, or validate her hatred and jealousy towards your FI. Trust me, I have been trying to repair the damage my brother-in-law has created over the past 4 years. He goes about slandering us, especially towards his parents. And worst of all, his parents are starting to believe I’m a bad person from all those rumours! My advice to you is to confront it once. Write down all the things you want to say, ask her if it’s jealousy, why she is not giving your FI a chance and end by telling her what you need from her (love and support for you and your husband). If she can’t accept that then you are better off just leaving her in her misery. I have been trying to build a relationship with my brother-in-law for years and have been nothing but nice to him. But he is clearly too enthralled in his jealousy to want to behave otherwise. I’m afraid your sister will never change. Just rise above it and concentrate on your upcoming wedding. In the end your husband is the family you have chosen for yourself and your marriage should come above all other things.

Post # 12
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

She’s jealous because of two things:

1.) She doesn’t have a boyfriend of her own

2.) She feels as if you have abandoned her

I would try to spend some time alone with her (don’t bring your FI) and let her know that you will always care about her, etc. Losing a sibling is very traumatizing for a lot of people, and jealous brings out the worst in people, even when they mean well.

Post # 13
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Being the twin who was on the other side of this situation a number of years ago, I echo what others have said.  Your twin could be hurt and frustrated that you now spend so much of your time with this other person.  When my sister met her now husband, I didn’t like him because it felt like he was taking my place as that number one person in my sister’s life.  We lived in separate states, so she’d always want to call him or visit him, whereas before, I would have automatically been that first person she’d turn to.  And like you two, when this was happening, I hadn’t been in a serious relationship yet.

But things got better over time.  It took me a while to realize that she could have two number ones, just in different capacities.

Maybe talk to your twin calmly to determine her true feelings.  Her statements of not liking your fi may just be code language for she feels like she’s losing you to him.

Just my two cents.

Post # 14
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

having a new person be number 1 in your twin’s life has got to be hard. I agree that it is probably just a jealously thing, especially since the rest of your family loves him.

 

The friend that agreed and said you have to make your own mistakes was probably just trying to be supportive of your twin because she knows your twin is having trouble with this change, and being left behind. If you want, just ask that friend how you think your twin is dealing with your upcoming marriage, since you believe she may be having trouble with it, and see what she says. I bet she agrees with you.

 

I agree that you should try to have some alone time with her and explain how she is still a crucial part of your life and no one can replace her. At the same time, she is going to need to get over it and ‘grieve’ a little that things are changing, and there’s not much you can do about that but give her time. 

 

I wouldn’t worry about there being some huge issue she sees that you dont

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