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Hi Bees!
I wrote a post about a week ago regarding a not so great OB/GYN appointment recently. I stated in that post that we are also going to consider adoption if we decide we want a baby and we cannot get pregnant in time/risks too high, ect. Right now we are focused on house hunting and a small wedding and persuing our careers, but I would love to be more informed on the process.
I don't see a whole lot on the boards about adoption and I wanted to know if anyone can share any experience/information regarding the process. I know it can be lengthy & some costs are pretty high, so I think we should take that in account as well and see if we need to have some extra planning for future finances. As far as adoption, we are pretty open to adopting in America or possibly outside of it. Bees, please share your wealth of knowledge and information! : )
Friends of ours just went through this! First, you need to decide what kind of adoption you want: international or local adoption. Decide on whether you want to adopt an infant, a toddler, or what age you'd like to go up to. If international, which country? If local, open adoption or closed adoption? And, you have to decide if you're willing to accept a biracial child, if you are ok with adopting a special needs child, etc.
Once our friends made that decision, they found an adoption attorney. That's the best place to start. He/she will be able to direct you to good, reliable adoption agencies, already have birth parents that have contacted them looking for families, and can help get your resume out to places you might not think of! The attorney will also put you in contact with a social worker who will do your home study. The attorney will also help you get your start and explain what needs to be done. S/he will also be able to tell you what your state's laws are re. adoption, and what the costs are (their fee, birthmother's attorney fee which you'll have to cover, hospitalization information, etc.).
Our friends, who did a local adoption, put together an adoption resume to be given, by their attorney, to prospective birthmothers/parents. It was really cute, filled with each of their biographies, why they chose adoption, photos, and other pertinent information. It was like a little book about them! They also informed EVERYONE they knew that they were looking for a baby to adopt. They took out ads in the local paper and waited for calls. They blanketed college campuses with their info. She let her OB/GYN know she was looking. They went to their church to let people know they were interested in adopting a baby. They worked their asses off to find a baby. It took them 5 months and they had their baby in their arms! They found the birthmother through an ad they placed in the local paper.
Good luck to you! If you have any questions, I can give my friend a call and ask her!
Adding: you will have to show that you are financially stable and able to afford a child, too. They live in an apartment, so you don't need to have a house in order to adopt.
There's a lot of information, I've read several articles on adoption.com.
Keep in mind that there are tax credits to assist in adopting. From what I read, it's eager to throw your whole heart into it but you have to be cautious because it's a trying time for everyone (going through the process). Also, it would be good for you to start writing a list of want you think you want and what you know you can't handle (behavioral issues, medical conditions, etc) so you don't go in unsure. Are you thinking strictly adoption, or going the path of fostering and maybe adopting through that?
I got a lot of great responses from both perspectives in one of my threads: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/anyone-considering-adoptionfostercare-or-have-adoptedfostered
Oh, our friends also found an adoption support group that was open to anyone interested in adoption or who've already adopted. The folks there were a great source of information! You can see if there's anything like that in your community!
Thanks for posting this! Very interesting. We're looking to adopt too but much further down the line.
@BanditGirl: Thank you so much! That was very helpful. I was hoping to hear from someone that has gone through it or know a close friend/relative, I was very happy to read your post! It's such a huge subject, you can get lost in the information. It's great to know all of the different options, I've never even thought about all of those! Congrats to them! 5 months is pretty quick!! And it sounds like they adopted locally, too! I will start reviewing adoption attorneys to find out more. I love the adoption resume, that is so awesome. It's something great to have for the child as well. There is so much to think about, but it truly warms my heart to know of all of these options. I feel like there is hope if we decide we want a baby and we are not able to have one ourselves. It's made me less emotional about my clock ticking knowing that adoption is out there as well. So when the time is right, and we decide we want a little one - we hopefully can fulfill our dream one way or another : )
@beekiss2: Great to know about the tax credits! (see bees? this is one of the many reasons why I love you all!). The list is a great idea to do with the FI after we are married. We might really even learn more about ourselves and each other in that process. Thanks for the website info, too!
@babymilka74: We are awhile away from this, too! We definitely are currently focusing on house, small wedding, careers and building our savings accounts. But I am a planner and I don't want any surprises financially (that we can help). I really wanted to start educating myself on it, so if/when the time comes in a couple years, we are prepared the best we can be.
Unfortunately, I don't have much to add except to say that I am a child of (local) adoption and how wonderful the process is. I grew up in a stable family situation with a family who made sure I never had a need and made education and career a #1 priority. My situation would have been far less stable if my birth mother had kept me (though I recently tracked her down, and she seems like a great person).
My family went through a lawyer for the whole thing and it was a very easy process for them. Of course, that was 24 years ago, so times have changed. I'd suggest going through a lawyer rather than an agency because of their experience, but again, I only know about the process 24 years ago.
@toile234: Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have 2 cousins that were adopted as well (as babies). One is my age and the other is a couple years younger. I believe that was the same circumstances regarding their adoption. One of them has recently contacted his birth mother as well. My cousins had a great upbringing as well, they were both able to graduate from college. I'm so happy that they are in my life. I have 12 first cousins and I am the closest to them! : ) My Aunt was told that she was never able to have children, so she adopted 2 kids, and then got pregnant! : )
I do agree that an adoption attorney is the way to go for us, I think it would give us more piece of mind. The only info I also had on adoption is from my Mom for my cousins which was over 30 years ago! It's great to hear that you had a happy upbringing with tons of opportunities. And now a wedding coming up - Congrats!
BanditGirl pretty much got all the details in there for you.
As far as personal experience, both of my parents were adopted. And my youngest sister was adopted by them. I was 18 when her adoption was finalized, so I saw a lot of what was going on. An agency was picked, applications and home visits were conducted. They made a choice about age range, whether they were okay with disabilities, etc. Background checks are done. The home visits occur every few months and then once after the child has been adopted. (Maybe more, depending on the agency.)
The agency they went through had a website with profiles of children. (Since they were not going the newborn route). My sister was 4, from China, in a foster home when adopted. I'm not sure the cost but I'm aware that it was NOT cheap. Add the airfare, etc, to that and I would guesstimate $10,000 or so.
If you have specific questions I'm sure I could answer some or get you in contact with my mother. She has all the knowledge you could dream of.
@AmeliaBedelia: China is one of the options we have spoken about as far as international adoption. I had heard the cost can go up to $20,000 which is one of the reasons why I started this post today. I had no idea what to expect for adoption fees. I'm sure it varies for local/international. Not to get too personal, but were your parents in their late 30's-ish when they adopted your sister? That would probably be my case.
China prefers couples to be in their 30's or 40's as it shows signs of maturity and fiscal responsibility!
If I remember correctly, the combined age of the parents cannot be over 90? Not 100% positive on that, but you can do some checking!
@RR: My mother was 37 or 38 and my step-dad was in his early 40s. He's now almost 50. The thing with international is that it definitely keeps it a closed adoption. Most of those children are true orphans and no one has any idea where their parents are. My sister is special needs, but only because she has spina bifida (it doesn't affect anything but her balance now and possibly reproductively later on). So if you are willing to go the special needs route, it's not always full-on issues. I think poor vision is considered a special need. It will help your adoption process go faster - as in, you would be priority, if that is not an issue for you and your FH. That goes for both local and international. One of my mom's friends adopted twins from Kazakhstan (sp?) and their process was fairly quick as well, as they had fetal alcohol syndrome. You can't tell, developmentally. They were quite young, I think around 1 year old.
I'm not all that familiar with local adoption - both my parents were locally adopted, but this was 40-ish years ago. One has a closed adoption and one has an open one.
@BanditGirl: They do prefer older couples. But over 45 is a no-no. My step-dad was 44, I think, and they questioned that. However, they had three other children so the agency didn't feel it was an issue as much.
@BanditGirl: BanditGirl, you're awesome!!! Seriously bees, I'm smiling big time today. I feel a *HUGE* weight lifted off my shoulders and finally my biological ticking clock is starting to silence! Finally, my age will work FOR me in adoption if we should decide to have a little one. I no longer feel so much pressure. We have time to find a home, settle in, get married and go from there. I wish I could be younger again and not have spent 10 years with the wrong person for me... but I did... and it's landed me here - but everything happens for a reason, so maybe adoption was always in the cards for later on in life. I have the one that I love now and couldn't be happier.
@AmeliaBedelia: I think I would be close to 40 when we are ready (that's about 4 years). My FH is younger than me, thankfully. For some reason, I always heard that the process especially internationally was lengthy. Good to know that they aren't always. You have shared a lot of helpful information, thank you so much.
We have just started looking into the international adoption process for Ethiopia or Uganda. It can seem daunting, but if you take care of the paperwork as if it was a job and stay really organized it doesn't seem too bad. Here is every detail you could want to know about international adoption. http://www.adoption.state.gov/
Please pick a reputable Hague certified agency to maximize your chance of success!
My sister did foster to adopt and that was much easier, but she was willing to take a baby with a minor physical disability. She didn't have to wait at all and her daughter was a newborn when she came to the family. Now our niece is 10 and perfect!!!
It's an exciting road and I'd be happy to share the journey with you!
Oh, I forgot to mention that there are Yahoo groups for adoption from virtually every country with an established program. I joined the Ethiopia groups and it's been really great in helping to choose an agency etc.
This thread is great! My husband and I may adopt in a few years. We're hoping to be able to have at least one bio. child, but if we can't, we plan on adopting within a few years. Even if we have one bio child, we will probably adopt our 2nd child. Thanks for all the great adoption info, everyone!
Not on topic--but i noticed you're from Illinois. Illinois is one of the states that covers fertility treatments and i wonder if your healthcare provides more coverage for adoption services?
But I think adoping a child is such a cool thing to do =]. i have a friend who really wants to adopt. if we have trouble, we'll wait until our mid-30's to adopt but it's definitely an option
There are some super knowledgeable bees that answered your questions, but I just want to recommend the book You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide (put out by Adoptive Families magazine), http://www.amazon.com/You-Can-Adopt-Adoptive-Families/dp/0345504011/ref=pd_sim_b_5
I recently got it from the library and read it cover to cover as I've been happily researching "my options" the last few months :). I found the book incredibly helpful, well-organized, and thoughtful for someone who didn't know a single thing about adoption. It covers both domestic and international adoption, and provides as much nitty-gritty information they can with internet links to more current info (like current requirements for adoptive parents in specific countries).
Good luck!
I'm an international/interracial adoptee so I thought I'd leave some things for you guys to think about...
I love my adoptive parents to death, but I don't think international adoption is really the right way to go...Adoption can be great, but there's always the fact that the adopted person is going to lose their family, their roots, their genealogy. That is a pretty profound loss that I don't think people realize. It's taken me my whole life to open myself up to the fact that it's OK to be sad that I'm missing out on knowing who/where I came from.
International adoption adds a whole extra layer to that. I didn't know anyone like me growing up. So I felt like a freak quite a bit of the time. My family is white...I'm Asian. And I grew up in a suburban area where the Asian population is pretty small...so I really have struggled with cultural and racial identity issues in addition to the regular identity issues a lot of adopted people face. If you want, PM me and I'll send you the link to my adoption blog. It's really very personal so I don't think I'd post it even if I was allowed to.
I'm sure my opinion won't be that popular, but I just wanted to throw it out there because I know there are other adoptees who have faced identity issues and such and I would hope future adoptive parents would be educated on all aspects.
I'd suggest you guys check out the book The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. Nancy Verrier is a respected therapist who is also an adoptive parent:) It kind of gives you a look into the loss adopted people like me have experienced.
Good luck :)
@kate169: This is a very good point and International adoption is not to be taken lightly. *If* we do it, we will be fluent in the child's language of origin and will visit their country of origin frequently. Also, we wanted to make sure that there was a critical mass of people from the culture we would be adopting from in our community. I am already in the process of becoming volunteer with the refugee resettlement program in our area to better learn our community.
I've lived in East Africa, so that's why we were looking there. Kate- do you think international adoption can ever be done in a way so as to minimize the losses to the child or do you think it's impossible? I'm asking because I really want to know and understand before moving forward.
@Mrs. DG: Great question(s). I agree, international adoption should not be taken lightly. That's why I feel it's important to take plenty of time (if not years) to make this decision with research (if adopting internationally especially).
Kate, you bring up a great point - I can see how it's very important to grow up in a diversified area. I live in Chicago, it luckily has many cultures/backgrounds. This thread is sharing a lot of information from a lot of experiences, and all of them are useful and informative to all of us. I think I speak for the group when I say that we appreciate hearing about this topic from all view points.
If you don't want only a baby also think about looking into the foster care-adoption route. That is usually a complex process but doesn't have the same fee's as traditional adoption plus you actually get some money during the foster care stage. My FI and myself would ideally like 4 children but I don't want to have more then two naturally. So we figure we will start out with two of our own, then once we have a stable home life do foster care and probably adoption. Eventually I want to do foster care for teens after we have an empty nest but thats a long ways away. Best of luck with figuring out what you want to do.
@Mrs. DG: Just as all people are different, all adoptees will be different too, but I think the loss is very real. I also don't think anything can minimize the loss. I don't think it should either. I think it's more about acknowledging it and being open to it. I feel like some adoptive parents (my own included) are kind of threatened by the loss and even by the adoptee and their potential (primal) need to search and understand their past.
The way you're approaching IA is a lot different than a lot of potential IAP do...a lot of people consider IAP because they feel like they don't want to have to deal with any pesky birth parents in the picture. And that's really sad to me as an adoptee who'd really love the chance to know my biological family.
I don't really have statistics off hand but a lot of international adoption agencies are pretty corrupt. I'm sure you know that since you mentioned only adopting from Hague cert. agencies. I was adopted through an affiliate of Holt Korea. Just so happens that a lot of Korean moms would leave their kids in "foster care" to return and find their kids were put up for adoption. Holt Korea also had a reputation for falsifying information. A friend of mine was left with a sister and Holt lied and said they weren't left together and separated them. Took my friend moving to Korea and going on TV to find her sister.
@RR: Yeah, living in a big city does make a big difference! I think things like that are important to think about. BTW, I'm sorry for sort of threadjacking you!
@kate169: I don't think this is threadjacking, I think it's part of the original question :)
Stories like the Holt story scare the heck out of me. We are only looking at 2 agencies, both Hague certified. They have the longest waiting lists, but also do things like 1. letting you bring your own interpreter to meet the family 2. giving detailed records about the family of origin so that you can either stay in touch or visit 3. high transparency.
I would just want my kid to have the strongest connection to their roots as possible. I also don't want to gain a child that has been coaxed from her parents, but rather who is truly in need of a placement (parents succumbed to AIDS and extended family rejects the child or some other situation that makes the child absolutely not locally placeable). But again, the plan would be to visit the home country every 3 years or so.
Thanks so much for weighing in kate. I want to make sure we're doing something ethically and emotionally responsible. Any more info about helping children adjust is welcome!
@RR: wow that's what happened to my aunt and uncle. They put their info in with two different agencies, and got a call three weeks apart letting them know they'd been selected. They had two babies at their house for three months and she found out she was pregnant and had two more after that one. Sometimes that happens!!
This was a great post, there hasn't been much talk about adoption.. it's nice to see so much great info and offers of help and support here!!!
@Mrs. DG: Sounds like you are doing everything the way you should :) Makes me feel good to hear that you "get" it. Some people don't.
I haven't read all of the other posts yet but I wanted to share with you the experiences of my family and friends with adoption.
Adoption is a really long and often quite expensive process. It can take years to actually get a child. Two of my cousins are adopted and my next door neighbor also adopted two children while I lived next door. I'm pretty sure domestic adoptions tend to take longer than foreign adoptions and that it is harder/longer to get a baby than an older child. These would all be things to consider when you and your FI decide where you want to look for an adoption.
My neighbors adopted their first (not sure of their exact wait from the start of the process) and immeadiatly started the process again to adopt a second child because of how long it had taken the first time and they wanted their children to at least be semi-close in age. It took another 3 years before they were able to get another baby.
Also, be prepared for some heartbreak and pain along the way. My aunt and uncle had one birth mother who had agreed to give her baby up for adoption to them. My aunt and uncle paid for ALL of her pre-natal care and the hospital expenses for the birth, had a nursery and baby clothes, bottles, etc all ready to bring their new child home and after the baby was born, the mother changed her mind and decided to keep her. My aunt and uncle had ZERO recourse and were out the money and were absolutely heartbroken that they didn't have a child.
That all said, both families now have two beautiful adopted each so it ultimately worked out in the end. But the process can be long and painful at times so just be prepared for that if you do pursue the adoption route.
I am an adoptee and my son is adopted as well. My ex and I adopted locally and we were able to pick him up from the hospital at 1 week old. His adoption was through family and child services and it cost us nothing. There were no lawyers needed. We had to take a series of classes and go through the normal background and interviews. We started the process in say October and my son was home less than a year later. This was 13 years ago.
I would love to meet my biological family. My son had the opportunity to meet and have a relationship with many of his biological family (not his birthmother). I think that this has been beneficial for him and his sense of identity, Plus they are incredible people.
I understand the desire for a newborn. We had prepared ourselves for a 2 year old and still were blessed to welcome a newborn. God only knows what your plan will be. I tell folks our story and they are usually amazed. There are so many children out there that need love and a home. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
I do agree that finding an adoption support group would be helpful. There you will find information and be able to hear stories from all involved in the triad. It is important to see adoption from all angles...the adoptee, the birth parent and the adoptive parent. Lives are transformed but there is also some sense of loss there too.
This is a great and really interesting thread!
I think there have been some excellent points made about international adoption vs. local adoption, which could also be applicable with local adoption when parents adpot a child from a different culture.
I am adopted and my adoption was local/private. My sister was adopted from Korea, and I think she and I have had vastly different experiences with our adoption, and my parents had vastly different adopting experiences. My adoption was unplanned and very fast (ie- I was born and my parents took me home 2 days later), but since it was private, until it was finalized legally 2 years later, my biological mom would have changed her mind at any time (I think many states have laws to prevent this now). My sister's adoption was through Catholic Charities and took several years, home visits, parenting classes, etc.
Growing up in a primarily white area, as a white child with white parents, I get the choice to disclose my adoption. People assumed that I was a biological child and would even tell me that I looked so much like my parents. My sister grew up in a white area, got teased for her "Chinese Eyes" and people always assumed that she was my "friend" and not my sister. It wasn't until I got older I realized the depth of the emotional baggage my sister had to carry from being displaced from her culture and not feeling like she belonged. That being said, based on the information my parents had about her experience in Korea (she was abandoned on a bridge in Pusan), adoption most likely led to a better overall life experience for her.
But for me, I have not felt the loss of a biological connection too keenly. My parents are my parents and my biological mother is just... some woman. I was contacted by her a few years ago and we exchanged some letters and E-mails, and I was able to get some family medical information, but other than that, she's just some woman I don't know and feel no connection with. My Korean sister is much more my family than she will ever be.
I think adoption is different in every case, and it is important that you are open with your children and respect the feeling s and difficulties that they may have working through their adoption.
Thanks for the information, and I definitely agree to get a legit agency, where you know the parents willingly gave up the children, but I still think there is a need for some of these children to be adopted. I agree that international adoption can have problems, but this has me thinking, what would happen to all those children if Americans of a different race did not adopt them?
My husband and I would consider int'l adoption in the future, and we WILL learn more about the culture involved. Mrs.DG is a rockstar, but can every family really learn a new language and afford to travel to the home country that often? Should that really stop them from adopting and potentially leave all these children in an orphanage? I truly am asking, so I would love to hear other opinions. I'm curious on all the stats, but I know when I briefly researched adoption in undergrad (for a paper) I was astounded at the amount of children not yet placed, and I *think* that was US only stats!
I am so happy to see this thread. We have made the choice to adopt children once we are married instead of having our own. It is a moral choice that I have always wanted and I can’t wait! But it is still very foreign to me. I still know very little about the process and all of it. It is really nice to see this thread!
@cannotwait: I'm really interested to hear opinions on your questions as well. I mean there are serious moral and ethical implications either way, right? A kid who cannot be internationally adopted may be forced to stay in a neglectful or physically or mentally abusive situation. Perhaps it would be better for that kid to be adopted out despite a weaker attachment to his or her culture. Or maybe that could be seen as yet another loss to an already wounded kid.
Likewise, as soon as there are monetary incentives involved (to a government or agency or both) then aren't you running the risk of participating in a "baby trade".
These issues weigh heavy on my mind
@cannotwait: Some of the "legit" agencies are the ones coercing people into giving up their babies. Especially in countries like Korea where there's a huge social stigma still against single motherhood. Adopting from some of those agencies really just perpetuates the need for "supply".
"Mrs.DG is a rockstar, but can every family really learn a new language and afford to travel to the home country that often? Should that really stop them from adopting and potentially leave all these children in an orphanage?"
IMO, yes. Adoption is a huge commitment and if you can't meet that commitment with everything it needs, you should probably check out other avenues. Such as foster to adopt programs within the United States. I'm not saying you shouldn't adopt, I'm just saying I think it's in the child's best interests to be adopted by people who are conscious that the culture shock is another huge part of adoption loss for adoptees and are able to accomodate that. At the very least you could learn Korean (just an example) I mean, your child will have to learn English.
@Mrs. DG: I don't think most children in international adoptions are in neglectful or abusive situations. I think most of them are up for adoption because A. Single motherhood is still frowned upon in their country (for example, you can lose your job if you're a single mother in Korea) B. They are too poor to care for their children or C. There's an adoption agency telling them they're not good enough for their baby. Adoption agencies stand to gain a lot of cash so they really MARKET the whole "adopt an unwanted baby" thing.
I would personally hope that more countries could at least promote domestic adoption within their own countries. Korea (sorry to keep bringing them up, but that's where I'm from so that's what know most about!) has halted IA as of 2012 in order to try to promote more domestic adoptions. Our culture and how we relate to it is a huge part of our identity and I think that's difficult to understand unless you've been through it personally.
I was adopted and I worked for an adoption agency. I have lots of information. But it depends on what kind of adoption you want. Where, how old, etc etc. If you have any specific questions you can definitely message me. I just don't know where to begin with your question! (I won't be offended if you don't message me though, no pressure).
AmeliaBedelia (message) March 31, 2012 Atlanta, GA
@BanditGirl: They do prefer older couples. But over 45 is a no-no.
Not so, AmeliaBedelia. China has upped the adoption age to maximum 50 yo. and 55 if you're adopting special needs. Many other countries have no age maximum.
Regarding age requirements and restrictions, I found this from http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/parental-age-limits-in-international-ado :
Looking at countries most often considered by Americans for adoption, here is a list with the age specifications they require, if any:
• Azerbaijan: no age restrictions
• Belarus: minimum +16 over child, no maximum
• Bulgaria: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Cambodia: under 55
• China: maximum 50 (55 for special needs children)
• Columbia: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Ecuador: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Ethiopia: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Georgia: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Guatemala: minimum over 25, no maximum (Although I have also heard there is no max limit, so the information seems to be inconsistent.)
• Haiti: minimum over 35, no maximum
• India between 28 and 40
• Kazakhstan: no age restrictions
• Latvia: no age restrictions
• Liberia: no age restrictions
• Mexico: minimum over 25, no maximum
• Moldova: between 25 and 50
• Nepal: between 25 and 55
• Peru: under 55
• Philippines: minimum over 27, no maximum
• Poland: under 44
• Russia: no age restrictions
• Korea: 25 to 44
• Taiwan: no maximum restriction
• Thailand: no more than 40 years older than the child
• Ukraine: no maximum restriction
• Viet Nam: no maximum restriction
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