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smile and agree that you are nice people?
You can't care what they think, you're not gonna please everyone. If somone is offended that's their problem. You should do what you want, and having a friend marry you sounds great.
Tell them you don't want to make a sham of their faith and your marriage by going through with a ceremony you don't believe in. That's what I told people :)
Your ceremony will end up being beautiful and personal and they will understand afterwards!
@linguo42: Good call! Thank you, that's just the wording I was looking for...
@Miss Tattoo: I know, right? I can't possibly be a good person if I don't believe in God. Insanity.
"Going to church doesn't make you a good person any more than standing in a garage makes you a car." -Mark Twain <3
It's sad that a lot of people equate Christian=Good Person. Sadly, the two are not synonymous. I know a lot of good people who are not religious and a lot more "Christians" who are not good people.
"I'm getting married outside so God can see us better and not have to bother with those aggravating roofs."
What is the plural of roof?
Oi...oi!
Agreed that you won't ever please everyone, so the most important people to please are the two of you.
I went through this too... my grandmother said "at least have someone pray over the wedding"... that's when I got up and left. I don't want to argue with my family but I don't want anything religious in our big day!
@Oribel013690: Same!!! I know a LOT of "Christians" who are some of the most judgemental, hypocritical, and snarky people I've ever met in my life. It always makes me think, "If you're going to heaven, I'm DEFINITELY not missing out on anything."
@Georgia Bee: Haha :)
@HappilyEverAfter54: I know exactly how you feel!!!
Oh, we are kindred spirits indeed.
I live in Alabama. Have lived in the southeast my entire life. Both of our families are christians... mostly baptist with some methodists and catholics mixed in the bunch. We don't make a big deal about the fact that we are not religious so I guess most people don't know it. If someone asks, Im always very straight forward about our beliefs and usually people are nice to our faces about it.
In my area it is virtually unheard of to not be a christian. Most people I know do not know anyone who is not a christian. FI and I are both "normal" looking, hold good jobs, go to college, have traditional views, etc. so people are noticably uncomfortable when we explain that we do not believe in god.
When we announced our engagement my 97 year old grandmother came up to me and said "are you going to have a nice church wedding?" This was a hard situation to handle because she only thinks of weddings either being courthouse or church. So we told her we had our venue in mind because its less expensive and it outside which we wanted. She understood but was rather confused. Things like this will come up. I usually skirt the issue of religion for others comfort but if I am asked directly I do not find any shame in admiting what I believe (or dont believe)
Good luck! I know its difficult but you are definitly not alone!
@Miss Fish: I love the Mark Twain quote! I think you are handling the issue very well. Just being as polite as possible (while possibly internally combusting) is really the only way to deal with it. I am sure they'll come around, especially if you keep showing them how civilized people should behave.
I thought I'd be in your shoes when I decided not to get married in a church, but I think I've tortured my family so much with my 'evil' decisions that they have nothing left to say.
My FI family isn't very religious, but they expect everyone to get married in a church because that's just what you do.
Upon hearing that we were not getting married in a church, one of his Aunts asked me "What do you wear to a civil ceremony?'
It was great.
@Hobbit: *facepalm*
Is it really so rare to be agnostic/athiest?
*sigh* since when are nice people only christian?
We were originally going to get married in a school house (didn't pan out) and got questions about it all the time. I'm religious, but my FI isn't and churches make him feel uncomfortable. From the looks I was getting from my family you would think that I was marrying an alien... Just try to let the comments slide. Most of those comments are probably thoughts that aren't filtered anyway since I'm sure they consider it shocking.
When I told my FI's mom that we intended to have a secular wedding, she said a little snarkily "How do you have a secular wedding?" with the implication that all weddings/marriages are religious by nature because God created marriage, or something like that. I had to struggle not to roll my eyes. You can believe whatever you want to believe about marriage and weddings, but we're doing ours our way.
sorry if i've repeated anyone, but i would say something along the lines of... i apologies if you are upset by this decision, and i respect your beliefs but i feel if i were to marry in church i would be dishonouring your beliefs, and that it would be hypocritical of us to marry there.
FI and I were both raised Catholic but in the time we have known each other have only been to church for weddings, baptism or funerals. Why be a hypocrite and suddenly start going just because we are getting married?
My mom is fine with it but FMIL still makes comments all the time. The latest was "Well so and so(referring to the FG) was fine walking in a CHURCH wedding." Great... **eye roll**
Stick to your guns. You are doing what is right for YOU not the family.
@stokieGal: I actually tried what you suggested, but MIL was perfectly fine with both of us being hypocrites, as long as we had a pretty church wedding.
Looks like you're dealing with it the right way! Like you said, you don't believe in God so why should you get married in a religious ceremony. My mom was kind of taken back when I said I didn't want to get married in a church, even though she knows I don't believe in God. Same when I said I wouldn't use the Christening dress she'd been saving. A, I don't believe in God so why would I baptise my child and B) FI's religion has believer's baptism. You get babptised when you are responsible enough to choose your own beliefs, which I like.
I am dreading Christmas for this very reason. My family is pretty laid back and don't really care that I am not religious. My betrothed's family is a different matter. They live in Baton Rouge and are generally pretty religious. I am really counting on their "DON'T ROCK THE BOAT" mentality and hoping that they don't ask about churches/ceremony etc. I just don't want to deal with it--I'm already sober for that entire week--I don't want to endure religious persecution and also be sober. If they were like normal families and got drunk and yelled at each other for the holidays I'd be fine. But it's just sober small talk for nearly a week. Blach.
I have mostly avoided this problem by emphasizing that we DO want an outdoor wedding, rather than emphasizing that we want to NOT get married in a church. Flipping it to a positive statement about our preferences rather than a negative statement about religion has avoided nasty confrontations with the religious people scattered throughout our friends and family groups. That's how we dealt with it! But if someone pushed us on it, we'd probably react exactly how you did: "well, we don't believe in God." And after that point, all you can do is be graceful and tolerant and maintain that everyone has different beleif systems!
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Mr. Fish comes from a very large, very Italian, very Catholic family. I love them to death, and we all get along very well. But Mr. Fish and I aren't religious people, and we're certainly not practicing Catholics. And while FI is "technically" a member of a local church, neither of us are interested in proclaiming our love before a God that we don't believe in. It would be fake, and that's not who we are.
So I knew going into it that there would probably be some people who would question our decision to get married outside the church, and I was prepared for that. Or so I thought.
The other day, we went to his Aunt's house, and she casually asked me which church we were getting married in.
Me: "Well, neither of us go to church, so we're not having a church ceremony."
Her: "That's okay! Just find a church you like and start going now so that when your wedding comes around you'll have a priest who can do it."
Me: "Umm... I don't think it works quite like that."
Her: "Sure it does!"
Me: "We were actually going to have a friend get ordained to marry us so that the ceremony will be really personal."
Her: *looks at me like I have three heads* Why wouldn't you just go to a church?!
Mr. Fish: We don't believe in God!
Her: But you're such nice people!
...awkward. How do I deal with this if other members of his (or my) family react like this?!