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Bluespurrs recent post about their wedding inspired me...
This is my second wedding. I had the whole fairy-tale the 1st time, just the wrong guy. That was 10 years and 2 kids ago. This time I've found my soulmate. He's a newbie, so again we're having a big wedding (we both have huge families). This time I'm doing exactly what I want. I wearing a veil, I'm registering, I'm being HAPPY (who knew!) I'm proud of the stepfather my children are getting, but I'm slightly concerned (maybe more curious?) about what some people will say about us going all out...
I want to know what you think is appropriate for encores and what is not? (Please tell me why too)
I'm asking because we all judge others a little and well...I'm just sayin...
A wedding is a wedding, regardless of age, race, sexual orientation, first timers, encores, whomever; its your wedding & you should do 100% excatly what you want to do!
The only thing I judge at wedding is the decor ( I can't help it, I'm very opinionated about decor) BUT I will keep my judgements to myself, LOL! :)
I think ANYTHING goes for encores. I think the stigma associated with second marriages is gone. I'm sure there are some out there who subscribe to those beliefs, but none of them are coming to my wedding!
Honestly, if anyone does have the balls to say something to you about your big wedding, I'd just say "Wow, thanks for your input" and leave it at that.
Anything at all is appropriate, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's not the 1800's! Wear the fluffy dress and veil, and invite 300 people if you want to!
Personally, I think it is fine for you to throw yourselves a lovely wedding, to wear white and a veil if you like, and to register. If you (or any first time brides) have children, I would hope that the wedding you have is affordable for your individual financial situation, since it makes me sad when parents go into debt for a wedding if they are struggling to pay their rent or haven't saved for their children's college tuition.
The major difference for me between an encore bride and a first time bride is that an encore bride should have less of an expectation for her friends/family to incur financial obligations for your wedding. That means that there should be no pressure on your bridesmaids to host a bridal shower (if they genuinely want to, that's fine, but no presssure). I'm not crazy when first time brides pressure their bridesmaids into hosting bridal showers, but I can live with it if that is the norm in your peer group. Similarly, if your parents paid for your first wedding and they are unwilling to contribute to a second, you should accept their decision gracefully.
I say if you want to have a big wedding have a big wedding. It is your wedding and his wedding. A wedding isn't about the big fancy stuff it is about two people in love showing their family and friends that they are in love and committed to each other. If someone says that you shouldn't have a big wedding the second time around then that is their opinion just like you wanting what you want is yours. Go for it girl!
hey, if you want to have a wedding, so be it! don't worry about what anyone says. we should celebrate life everyday!
I disagree with ProfessorBee. I am very dissapointed that my family is not interested in my wedding. I know I am having a destination wedding but I believe their disinterest is more because it's my 2nd marriage...so because I made a stupid mistake 5 years ago my family won't be supportive? My parents are wonderful but out of the 40 people attending our destination wedding, only 10 are my guests. It's too bad. I think you should have the right to do your wedding the way you want. This is my grooms first time too and I wouldn't rob him of his dream wedding just because of my past.
This is why I LOVE Weddingbee! Thank you for being honest without being snarky. I should add that FI and I are paying for our wedding 100% and we set a date 18 months out so that we could save for and afford it. (I think my parents will end up helping a bit and his family will as well, but we are not counting on it)
We live seperately b/c we do not feel it is appropriate for him to move in before we are married. I have a 7year old daughter and an 8 year old son ~ those responsibilities have not changed b/c we're planning a wedding.
I do think that some of the "old school" crowd will have an issue or two with our choices, but honestly, I don't care. I'll use the "thanks for your input" line and be done.
I love what AnnieAAA said and I agree 100% (I'll be judging that stuff too!)
@WDWBride - I feel for you. I really do. (((HUGS))) just do what makes your heart happy. i'm sorry you aren't getting the support you deserve.
Glad I could provide for some inspiration. Go for it! If you think tongues will wag for a second wedding, try a third wedding at the no-so-tender age of 50! Oh I know some were mumbling but since I paid for everything myself, I ignored them and had the best wedding of my life! Oh I didn't wear the white dress and veil but that's because I felt silly in them. Instead I wore a Victorian tea hat, a champagne colored Nataya dress and ivory lace wedding boots! Had a great time and still basking in the glow...
I think it's great that you are going all out and having the wedding that you want!!!
The only thing that I might have issue with is the registry (ie: if I bought you something for your first wedding, not wanting to buy something for the 2nd). As I type this, it's COMPLETELY illogical - but, nonetheless, it was my gut reaction.
I think you have a bit more leeway, because it is his first wedding.
I think people tend to get uptight because they feel like there is a societal expectation of what THEY are supposed to do for a wedding and once they do it once, they aren't obligated to do so. It really has nothing to do with the actual celebration of a marriage, if you really think about it.
I hope you find this to be a joyous time for you and your extended family and friends. Happy Planning!!
im one of those people that does initally sit back and think "what the" when it comes to an encore bride (not that ive been to many-there are no divorces on both sides of our families), but then i say oh well, the bride may have hated my wedding so who am i to judge - more power to them i say.
@Querida, im glad you have found your soulmate and are providing a wonderful & happy future & home for your children - all the best!
go for the all out wedding!! when my mom married my stepdad she had an intimate ceremony with just a few of us at a chapel and then when she went home she had a HUGE reception at their new home. when she married my dad they just went to the courthouse, so i was very happy for her that she got to wear the huge white dress veil etc. and the fact that my stepdad was so tearful that he barely made it through the vows said that he was happy too!
a wedding is a wedding is a wedding to me. you (and all encores) deserve absolutely everything you want inlclucing a shower, registry etc etc that any first time bride would have.
My encore dress is the one I wore in my last wedding, but with a major overhaul! Reduce, reuse, recycle! This time, I'm wearing the bejesus out of it that day, dirt be damned. It's never getting worn again!
I've never had a thoguht about encore weddings honestly. You're happy and that's all that matters! I do know lots of people who say "okay but only expect me to come to the first!" which I think is snarky, but whatever. And yeah, I know some people who tsk tsk at anyone who gets divorced b/c they sit on their own high horse. BUT, these are typically naive women my age who don't understand that sometimes, shit hits the fan and you can't make it work anymore. I do respect that if parents help with the first (or pay for it), the bride shouldn't necessarily expect the same treatment, but that is not the case for you obviously. (I also think that if they send you to college and you decide you don't like you major after you graduate, you shoudln't just expect them to send you BACK for 4 years, you get the drift) I think there is a line where you just take, take, take from your parents because it is "tradition" and "expected" and to me, that goes to *all* brides. Again, not the case with you. Granted, I have an aunt who's been married about 12 times, and to THAT i kinda roll my eyes and shrug (she does courthouse weddings now; i haven't been to any since i was a teeny tiny kid), but that isn't the case. I work with quite a few people who are on their second or third marriages and are very "i'm finally happy" and that's fine by me!
No judgement from me! Try not to be paranoid; most people won't mind at all and will simply be happy for you. at least anyone who cares and gives a damn! The negative people are just poopy and they suck =]. Such is life, we are all allowed second and third chances at happiness
Querida & WDWBride... *hugs* My parents are the same way.
And to make matters worse, they keep throwing shit from my first wedding (the marriage was 10 years ago and annulled after 3 weeks) in my face.
It makes me sad that FI and I won't have a nice wedding like I did the first time. My parents have 7 figure income but they refuse to give us so much as even a wedding gift because "they already did". IMO, they are just being awful people.
I don't EXPECT them to pay for anything but...come on. In the same breath my mom told me they wouldn't give me & FI a gift, she also told me about $600 worth of theater tickets she bought that day. *rolls eyes*
I feel like I'm being punished for a 10 year old mistake I made when I was barely out of college that lasted 3 weeks.
Regardless, I'm having everything I can afford that I want for my wedding. If my mom doesnt like it, she doesnt have to come.
GothyBride that really sucks. My parents are being a bit more understanding and actually giving us about $1500. You really shouldn't be "punished" by anyone. You have found someone who makes you happy and there is nothing wrong with that!! Hugs :)
We don't expect anyone to contribute financially for a second time. Actually, very few of the guests will be the same, since my last wedding was over 30 years ago! (My fiancée has never previously been married.) And the exceptions will include my ex-husband (who will be not only attending but giving one of the blessings) and his sister.
As for tsk tsking at me for being divorced, I did not choose that. My ex-husband left me. Anyone who disapproves of me because 13 years after the divorce, I have found a new love is not someone I want to know.
We rather discouraged showers, but I did that for my first wedding, too. I really don't like single-sex parties, and I don't like parties in which the main entertainment is opening presents. Someone volunteered to give us an engagement/bachelorette party at Dave & Buster's, which should be fun. And people can decide for themselves whether to give presents; our friends will be welcome regardless of whether they do or don't.
2dbride I have tried discouraging showers and gifts as well. It's not about getting presents (especially a second time) but about celebrating our union. I know they are trying to plan a shower for me at work even though my mom knows I am not crazy about the idea (we work together).
I think that it shouldn't matter if it's your first wedding or your tenth...it's still YOUR day! Enjoy it. Embrace it. Make it your own.
I think that people will come if they love you to celebrate your happiness, no matter if it's your first or your fifth. And really, whether they bring gifts or not is probably irrelevant after your first...I don't know, maybe that's just me!
Since I am an encore bride, maybe I'm a little biased, though. My parents, like others mentioned here have not been as supportive or as excited as I would have liked...but I guess that I understand. My mom was very uninterested at the beginning because she didn't agree with us having the big "to do" since we had both been married before, but she's come around now and she reads my blog daily. The rest of them??? Oh well.
And really, the only guests that were in attendance at our other weddings are mainly family members. But since none of our family members liked the collective exes, then they should be thrilled and excited to come to this one! LOL. There are some overlapping friends, but our coworkers and such are first-time guests.
It bothered me alot at first, probably because there was such a great level of disapproval from my mom...but I've either gotten over it or gotten used to it. It's YOUR wedding day - make it great, whether that's big or small. That's my two cents...
I agree wholeheartedly!
Making it YOUR day is important. It's sad imho that some people can't embrace your happiness or think that you are allowed only one big day (such as a wedding) despite what happens or transpires in real life.
My family is thrilled because they know what I went thru to get to the place in life where I am now! And they love T also.
If I wanted a huge wedding again, I'd have it! But imho I wanted something totally different than what I had before and truth be known, THIS is the type of wedding I really wanted to begin with!
Real life gets in the way sometimes and people forget that in order to be an encore bride or groom that SOMETHING had to happen and somewhere along the way a heart had to be broken or maybe much more (I had much more).
I guess I can understand the guest's perspective on gifts. My friend got married very young. After the divorce, when she remarried, I will admit I did think, "another expensive wedding gift for her?" But would I have wanted her to NOT remarry? Hell no...of course not. I did question her white gown, but then realized who am I to judge?
I say do what you want, and don't let the opinions of others get to you.
Heck after a divorce you SPLIT assets or do people even remember that? I know half my Arthur Court serveware my (jerky) ex husband took with him in a box when I wasn't looking one day.
Do I want more Arthur Court?
You bet your sweet patootie I do!
I have been lurking on the weddingbee boards for some time, but haven't posted until now...
Personally, I am going all out with my 2nd wedding. My 1st was at this tiny place in Coeur D'alene called "the hitching post" (think vegas in northern idaho...). It was a horrible mistake and I usually choose to just pretend it didn't happen. This time around I am having the wedding I always wanted. I have two little boys with my ex and a 5 month old little girl with my fiance, so I know people might talk (my great aunt has been known to question the "purity" of brides in our family... oh joy), but who cares? I think every couple deserves to celebrate their union, no matter how big or how small. It should be a reflection of you as a couple and the uniting of you and your children and your fiance as a family. People will always talk, but as long as you are satisfied with what you are doing and how you are doing it, that should be all that matters.
I believe that everyone deserves to be happy & that they should make their wedding day special!! Divorce happens... As WDWBride said, why should a bride be punished for a previous marriage? I think anything goes! Register, have parties, wear a white dress & enjoy every second of your day!
The *only* time I've not been 100% onboard with an encore wedding is my FI's friend. He is on marriage number 4 & she's on number 5. They're both under 40 with 6 kids in total under the age of 15. He has been dating this controlling woman for less than 8 weeks & they just got married this past weekend. I told my FI the second I had heard they were talking about marriage that I wouldn't attend if they had a large wedding. IN THIS CASE ONLY(please don't take offense anyone) I believe that neither of them respect marriage or their children's well being. As a child of divorce, kids feelings can often be ignored or hidden! I hate seeing children hurt by divorce. :(
Whether you've been married ten times or twice...it's the first time you are marrying each other. Do what you like, do what you love...enjoy!
('nuf said!) ;)
I feel that a wedding is a wedding is a wedding, first, fiftieth - it's your day, have it any way you want!
I think a wedding is a celebration of your relationship and this is the first time you are celebrating with the love of your life and so you should do what you feel is right to be representative of your love and your relationship!!!!! No matter what happened in the past!
Honestly, honestly? I don't have any good friends who have divorced, so I don't have the best perspective. I do know some others that are married for the second time. I am thrilled for them all that they found the right spouse and are making the commitment.
However, honestly, I would hope second time brides would understand if I can't afford the travel *again* or an expensive present *again*. To me, its just a bit different in the expectations of your guests that is important. Yes, you split stuff from the first wedding, but the person who spent $200 on that fancy gift still spent it. I think expecting people to be happy and thrilled and support you is absolutely right. I think expecting another round of fancy gifts and all the additional costs to attend the wedding from the same people is not. So do it up big, do it any way you want, just understand what you are asking of your guests!
Make your wedding day every single thing that you want it to be 
& congrats!
Well I think alot of the way guests and relatives feel about the encore wedding is related to knowing the person and knowing the situation.
My family is ELATED I finally found the right guy after enduring the ex being unfaithful and doing whatever he could do to have financially caused me difficulties as I divorced him. I almost lost everything I had! And I climbed back up again on my own, just my son and I.
So they don't mind if they have to buy a plane ticket to travel wherever we'd marry. They already want to know what we'd want and think registering for the common things we don't have together is a good idea.
I sincerely believe that the people who just kinda float around from one relationship to another that it's hard for them to garnish a ton of support at their subsequent weddings. I had a friend from high school who by the ripe age of 27 had been married 3x and had 3 separate weddings after leaving husband 1 for 2 and 2 for 3. She was, by nature one who floated in and out of relationships. But when family and friends all know that there is true joy and they've seen hardships or felt the pain of their loved one endure real heartbreak, they rejoice along with them.
Age group has alot to do with it as I didn't know anybody *but that girl from my graduating high school class* who had been divorced at all until I hit about 35. Luckily not alot thank goodness! The majority of my married friends have been doing great and are happier than ever some 15 to 20 years past their college years and married for over a decade. My sis is one of them and she and her hubby have just returned from their annual (very romantic) early anniversary trip to their favorite spot in Jamaica!
Querida~This time around I'm not particularly concerned about what other's think, now that we're paying for it after much sacrifice I will have the ceremony of my dreams, whether we elope or celebrate with 30 of our dearest. This time it's all about us!
My friend just got married (1st for her, 2nd for her hubby) and I didn't even think twice about him being an "encore groom". I love my friend and I love her new husband-- I think they are perfect for each other. Their wedding was just like any other wedding... they didn't forego any traditions just because it was his 2nd wedding, and it was a lovely celebration. I think you should do what you want and not worry about what others think. Your real friends and family will be happy to see you happy.
:) I'm glad I'm not in the minority as far as just doing what I feel is right for us and not being concerned about what others think. I have come to the conclusion that as with most things in my life, i set the tone. If i react negatively, people will follow that. The same is true for the opposite. I think the only people who may ask questions or be offended will be the much older crowd (grand parents, great-grandparents) You just never know. Thanks, Hive. You are the BEST!
Your wedding day should be exactly as you want it. Go for all the things that you want and that make you happy!
i wish that my mother would get on here and read some of this.. i agree that a wedding is a wedding no matter how many times you do it, its about the love that the couple shares.. i just wish my family would realise that this is what WE WANT and that its going to be about US not ETIQUETTE and other peoples opinions!
thanks for the positive answers, it helped brighten a drama filled day!
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