What do you think? (husband is perhaps being a douche)

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Why do you owe your husband money? That’s strange, you don’t share finances? That’s the first thing that jumped out at me. 

Secondly, people deal with grief in different ways. I think you need to explain to your husband that you need love and support and maybe a hug. Based on what you’re saying, yes, he’s being an ass.

And sorry, but your money situation is weird.

Post # 3
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

peachacid:  Yeah, I couldn’t cope with being bugged about ‘owing each other money’ in a marriage. My parents do crap like that and they actually have argued over owing each other 20 cents in the past. No thank you, I was adamant that in marriage all money would go into the same pot and it’s all considered ‘ours’. (And I earn a fair chunk more than DH.)


As for the grandpa thing, I’m really sorry he is unwell. How is your husband usually in dealing with death/loss? Is he normally bad at knowing what to say or a bit awkward about it? Perhaps he just doesn’t handle these things well? I can definitely understand where you are coming from though  and he needs to know that he is the person you need to lean on most during these hard and emotional times. Nothing is more annoying that one-upmanship in these scenarios.

Post # 5
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

peachacid:  What? You owe him money? You’re his wife!!

He sounds like a weirdly greedy little thing. What is yours should be his, and his, yours. And he does sound like he feels if he wasnt highly affected by an event in his life, you aren’t allowed to be either. Basically he is being a dick and he sounds incredibly immature. You need to have a long talk and tell him to shape up.

Post # 8
7896 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Agree with the PP.

Some guys just arent good with empathy/feelings so you just have to lay it out there how you need to be dealt with. “please dont compare, just say you love me and youre so sorry about my grandfather”- hes probably doing the best he can.

But the money thing… is crazy. Hes like… nickel and diming you? And your bills are all seperate? I mean not that theres one way to do things, but his attitude is just awful. Hes sitting on his butt at home squirreling gift money away from Daddy, when hes not too busy working from home on his job also from daddy…. while his wife busts her ass at FOUR jobs? And you owe him? He sounds like scrooge mc duck. MINE MINE MINE!

 ETA: I am so very sorry about your grandfather- you will carry him in your heart forever.

Post # 10
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

peachacid:  I don’t think anyone here is saying to have a sugar daddy who pays for everything, but at the same it is a little ridiculous to have a guy repeatedly bugging you over $180 when you obviously work harder than he does and the only reason he is so much better off is because daddy is holding his hand. Does he think you plan on ripping him off? If not, he should be patient and loving.

You asked for advice and opinions and now you are getting defensive and combative when we are giving them.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  arabbel.
Post # 12
42082 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

peachacid: I think perhaps you are being a bit oversensitive because you are hurting and already grieving the loss of your grandfather.

Is this new behavior from your DH? Or has he always been this way and now you expect him to change?

Many people are very uncomfortable with the topic of death, and cope in different ways. Your husband honestly probably thinks he is helping when he points out to you that you had more years with your Grandpa that he did with his- trying to get you to se the bright side of your time together. He may also think he is helping by distracting you with conversation about money.

It’s just frustrating because he should KNOW. No, he shouldn’t. This is one of mens’ biggest complaints about women. They don’t know- you have to tell them. It is totally unreasonable to expect someone to know what you are feeling or thinking.

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like the two of you are working as a couple, at least where money is concerned. We have separate finances too, because I owned my condo before I met him and I want it to go to my children, so I paid the mortgage and taxes etc (until it was paid off) but we would never leave each other notes about how much the other owes in any given situation.

Nor would I expect him to sympathize about how hard I work. Isn’t that a given that we work hard?

Have you given any thought to what you will do if your grandfather passes away and the funeral is scheduled while you are on your trip? Your husband probably won’t be the best at consoling you.

Post # 13
2113 posts
Buzzing bee

peachacid:  Ughhh my dad does this!

I literally cannot express any frustration without it turning into a “1 upper” game. I have literally said to him during an argument “this is not a competition”

now in my dads case, as much as i love him – he is a pathplogical liar and craves attention and sympathy. I am guessing your DH does not fall under this but perhaps he just doesnt know how to relate to someone. He thinks the only way he can relate is to share a similar experience he has had?

does he even have a job? I mean it sounds like you guys have your own set ways to handle things financially – but its not like you were going to sneak out in the middle of the night to run away with his $180. That is weird.

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