Weddingbee boards

Okay, I'm kind of at my wit's end...but I want an outside perspective in case I'm contributing to this somehow.  Basically, I feel completely unsupported by my BFF/MOH and on top of that I feel like she's making everything harder.

This started early on when we went dress shopping.  We met up in a city close to where she and my sister live.  The first thing she did when she arrived is complain about how she was in a bad mood (not even hello).  But then she called me a few days after and apologized.  She kind of freaked out b/c she broke up with the guy she thought she'd marry (but over a year before).  Anyway, everyone deals with emotions differently, and I definitely felt like her apology was sincere.

Fast forward, and we're looking at BM dresses.  One of my big criteria was that it not be too expensive.  I picked color and fabric, and let them pick the dress they wanted.  She got first dibs on the style b/c we looked together.  The dress was under $150 which isn't cheap, but far less expensive than any other dress I've ever had to wear as a BM.  But she just complained about how all BM dresses suck.

My uncle (who I'm very close to and who actually was staying with my parents when I was born) passed away a few weeks ago.  MOH knows him.  But she never said a word (not even are you okay, I'm sorry, anything) to me about it.  I'm almost past the stage where I randomly break down in tears about it, but it's not been an easy time and it's hard to feel unsupported.

Now my B'ette Party is this weekend.  Planning it has been a nightmare, and I know at least part of it is my crazy schedule.   I have repeatedly said it's not necessary, but she insists that she wants to throw one.  Anyway, we decided to do it in my hometown (not where I live now, though) which means that flights are cheaper and that we can stay with another BM.  My sister and godmother are also having a brial tea thing for me beforehand.  Well now MOH wants me to pick her up and drop her to airport.  It's about 50 mins each way.  And as I said, I don't live there so I don't have my own car...and this is the only weekend for me to see parents etc before wedding.  My mom and I actually have a lot to do...I bought a ticket that leaves pretty late so that I can do this stuff.  Cabs are not cheap, though, $70 each way.  But I was hoping she could share with the other friend flying in.  She says this is still too expensive.  I'm not sure what to say since this w/e is way cheaper than other B'ette ideas she put forward, and she earns more than me and FI combined.  I don't have a right to tell her how to spend her money, but we've been in a wedding together and this is way less expensive that was.  And at any rate, I did put out there that if anyone was having difficulty they should let me know and I'll try to help out.  I guess I feel that I'm already asking the bare minimum (dress, show up, I even said she asked her to stay with me the nights before the wedding).

But right now I'm just getting a constant negative vibe about our wedding and it's draining.  I really feel like asking her not to stay with me during the wedding...I'm currently concerned that she will ask me to take responsibility for getting her places.  I don't know.  Everytime I've been a BM (not even MOH), I've always asked what the bride needed and tried to alleviate any stress they may be feeling...whether that's wandering the city to find shawls for the BM's an hour before the RD or just making sure she is in calm happy place before the ceremony.  I feel that in this situation I would rent a car and ask if I can help picking up/dropping off people and things.  But instead I feel that she's expressing how much of a burden this all is (not directly), and asking me to alleviate this for her.  I don't really believe in asking BM's to step down...and she's been my best, best friend for 14 years!  I feel like I'm losing her at the most important time in my life, though.  I'm just trying to understand what's going on.  And I'm having a hard time figuring out how to address it with her.  I know that I've been a bit pre-occupied in the last few months, but I've tried really hard to continue to ask her about her life etc. 

I just don't know what could be going on for her or what to do about it...I guess part of it is that I don't want yet more drama in my life (it's been horrid for the last few weeks), but I'm not sure what else to do....

Thanks for the advice gals.

yeah, I'm sure that bad feelings about not being married is a lot of it...but it's now been two years since they broke up (longer than they were even dating).  She has a pattern of falling head over heels for guys who turn out to be kind of jerks, being "sure" they are going to get married, and then moping for an extended period of time after they break.  This is just the most extreme case of it.  I've tried really hard to be there for her over these two years.  When they broke up, I was in the midst of writing my PhD thesis and developed severe neck and back problems (which persist  to this day and still prevent me from doing most the things I used to do on a regular/daily basis).  I really tried to be there and not burden her with my own stuff, but it was a horrendous, horrible time for me (I worked round the clock with 45 mins of working, 1 hour of lying down in agony...FI and I really struggled also b/c it was such a major life change for us, there was a time when we weren't sure we could make it but we did and are better for it).  And now I'm getting married and she's not here for me either.  I haven't asked her to do anything w.r.t. wedding planning.  I suggested she join my sister and I for dress shopping, but not in a way that I think she'd feel obligated just for fun.  I haven't asked her to do a thing for the wedding other than show up (and she did just inform me that I was holding the rehearsal too early so she probably won't be able to come until later which is also fine, whatever).

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I'm expecting too much from a friend, or...It hasn't always felt this way.  There was a time when we were both really close and we could both be there for each other.  But lately I feel like a combination between a therapist and an unwanted burden and expense.  Definitely not a friend.  I just don't know what to do...and maybe I'm afraid that if I address it she won't really be able to respond in a way that feels good.  And I'm not in that place where I can address it and not care about her reaction...

I know life happens, but how long is a person supposed to just be patient and understanding and still put in effort to maintain a relationship?  And I don't understand why even if she doesn't want to deal with my wedding she couldn't offer me some condolence or something about losing a family member...I just felt really abandoned.  And should I surround myself with this so close to my wedding?

I agree with kittyachi - we hear so much advice to make things easy on the bridesmaids, keep the dresses cheap, don't expect any parties....I'm sick of it! It costs money to be in a wedding. A bride gets stressed easily and has a lot going on, she doesn't need to deal with your drama too. When you say "yes" to being a bridesmaid, you have to be prepared to accept these things as fact. If you are not willing to put in the time, effort, money to get a dress, throw some well-planned parties, and support your friend, than tell your friend that and say no!

Can you tell this gets me worked up? In the past year, I've been a bride, and a bridesmaid, and I happily paid for expensive parties, gifts, ran around doing errands, helped her pick out a great BM dress, dealt with the crazy MOH, etc. Because she is my friend and that's what you do when you are in a wedding. If you agree to be a bridesmaid you are agreeing to get over yourself. UGH!

Thanks Tanya, I think it's a good point about maybe my wedding pushing her off a plateau.  I hadn't considered that.  She had started doing a bit better (she found out that he had been cheating on her for the latter part of the relationship, which I think helped her see past feeling that he was "the one") so I just thought maybe things were turning around.  But it could be that she's going through something new.  It's weird, several other friends and my parents have made comments about how she's acting (even without my telling details, just observing).  I feel that I'm defending her actions a lot of the time.  And I do feel, though, that right now she's making the wedding stuff really hard.  So maybe you're right and the best thing is to just do what I need to do, and hope she comes around.  I still can't decide if anything good will come of addressing this with her...I might just feel it out a bit more.  I do need to decide whether I want her to stay with me before the nights before the wedding...I already asked her b/c I thought it'd be a fun slumber party type thing, now I'm not sure.  I suppose it's telling that her immediate response when I brought it up was, what if I'm dating someone?  Kind of a joke, but still.