What do you think of DADS who make their girlfriends wait years for a ring?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: If you got pregnant (and kept the baby), would you want your partner to propose to you right away?
    No, I would wait years for him to decide if I had to : (39 votes)
    25 %
    Yes, it would be the right thing for him to propose and I wouldn't want to wait any longer : (65 votes)
    41 %
    Maybe/Unsure : (45 votes)
    29 %
    I would propose to him if he didn't propose to me : (8 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    6273 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I am pro-choice and the decision for me personally is to not have a child unless I have someone who will co-parent. I definitely wouldn’t deliver this as an ultimatum, because that would be cruel, but if the man was unwilling to commit to me, it would play a big role in whether or not I chose to keep the baby.

    This is one reason why I am a hardass about birth control. I don’t want to put myself in that situation by getting lazy.

    Post # 4
    6447 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @Love4Keeps:  in response to your poll question- absolutely not. I would not want someone to propose to me just because I’m pregnant. I also would never try to have a baby if I wasn’t married, however, I know plenty of people who choose to get pregnant when they’re not married yet.


    Post # 5
    3406 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    My SO and I use two forms of birth control, and we have agreed that if we somehow got pregnant between now and next summer (we’re getting engaged summer 2014) we would just push up the engagement as its not that far anyway. I wouldn’t want to be the pregnant “girlfriend” thats just me though. I dont judge others for their choices as everyone is different. 

    Post # 6
    2051 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I’ve never really thought about this situation before, but I personally would want my SO to marry me. It’s important to me and FI now to get married so that we can be a family “unit” if we ever have kids in the future… and that’s just a future plan. If I was actually pregnant it would be even more important to me. But if he said no, would I actually leave the relationship with the father of my child? Both for the child’s sake and mine, I think that’s unlikely…

    Post # 7
    11772 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I don’t think I’d accept a “shotgun” proposal!

    I’d be TERRIFIED he was doing it out of obligation instead of want to be married.

    Post # 8
    4041 posts
    Honey bee

    @Love4Keeps:  Eh, I think it is really dependent on the relationship, age and maturity of the couple. I don’t think having children together necessarily means you should be married. Ideally, you should be in a committed relationship before having children, but things happen. 

    I think the situation is what would dictate my actions.

    If I got pregnant and wasn’t in a committed relationship or wasn’t at a point where we could support a child, I would consider an abortion.

    If I were young (18-22), was dating less than 2 years and got pregnant/kept the child, I wouldn’t want to rush marriage. I would want to make sure the relationship was going to last and was strong. You can raise children together (in a responsible and respectful way) without being married/even in a relationship….if things don’t work out. It’s harder for sure, but no need to bring in the legal precedence if it isn’t going to work out.

    If I were older (25+), had been together for a while and was certain it was heading for marriage any way, then I would want to get engaged at on a reasonable time line.

    FWIW, my DH and I dated for 9 years before getting engaged, married at the 10 year mark. We were in no rush for a variety of reason. We don’t have any children together (just two dogs), but we started dating young, wanted to be established and wanted to married in our mid/late 20’s. It worked for us.

    Whatever happens, I do believe the couple should be on the same page. It is not acceptable to string someone along.

    Post # 9
    1207 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    interesting question. I’ve seen it alot in my group of friends, who are actually all trying to get me to “hurry” up and have kids, but for me personally, I’ve made it til age 29 without having kids because I’ve chosen not to have them until I’m married. My friends all claim that you don’t NEED a husband to have a kid, which is 1000% true, but if that’s what I want, then that’s just the way it is. My SO has in the past week stated that since we plan on getting married, I can stop using my bc pills now, which is a really nice thought, but we’re not engaged yet and since I’m still working on my Master’s, it doesn’t make sense to stop using them. However, if I did get pregnant today,  I wouldn’t want to feel like he was only proposing because I got pregnant. At the same time, I wouldn’t want him to think that I’d stick around forever waiting for him after the baby came, because I wouldn’t. So, for me, this is why I won’t have kids til after we’re married. I don’t know how to vote though, because I am not a patient waiter lol!

    Post # 10
    1590 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Nah. I don’t think you should marry someone just because you have children together. I think it’s a ridiculously old fashion notion.

    Post # 11
    3222 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    There are a bundle of rights (and legal obligations) contained within the institution of marriage. I think one could choose to co-parent, own a home, and even save $ alongside another without wanting to make a legal commitment. Therefore, having a kid wouldn’t sway my opinion. 

    There is such a thing as indefinite spousal support in Canada, so this clouds my judgement. Clean break divorces occur in instances where the two parties are in equal social and economic footing. Should one party develop some sort of disability, the partner is on the hook, possibly indefinitely. Also, under common law marriage, you would only have to pay child support until your child is 18. Under the federal Divorce Act, you are mandated to pay until the child finishes schooling, or indefinitely if the child becomes a dependent on social assistance (ie disabled).

    Marriage in Canada literally invites the govt and the judiciary into your private matters, and this is why common law schemes provide equalization of assets minus the indefinite dependancy that the federal marriage scheme allows.

    My FH and I are getting married knowing the true extend of the commitment that legal marriage imposes, but at the same time, I’m cognizant of why others may have children and have long term cohabiting relationships and still not marry. 

    Post # 12
    349 posts
    Helper bee

    I think it definitely depends on the relationship.

    If it was me, I think both me and my SO would want to get married if we got pregnant earlier in life than intended (& chose to keep baby). We have been together 6 years (since 17 so still young) and know that we’ll get married one day, so I think we would, albeit earlier than originally intended. Also, our parents are fairly traditional – my mum has actually said to me, ‘if you get pregnant, he better marry you’, which sounds awful but in our situation we’d want to anyway.

    If however, I got pregnant unintentionally with a guy that I’d only being seeing casually or for a short while, it would be totally different. And abortion would unfortunately probably be more of an option. 

    Post # 13
    296 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - White Point Garden, Charleston, SC

    I definitely think it’s a horrible idea to propose because of existing children or a pregnancy. Marriage isn’t about kids. 

    Post # 14
    371 posts
    Helper bee

    Hell to the freak no. I was that 22 year old that got pregnant by a man I dated for 11 months. We got married 2 months later. That ended in divorce last year. I think it is an old fashioned custom. You do not need to be married to be a family. In the end that was the worst choice I could have made, and as a result, I stayed longer for fear if scarring and depriving my son. In the long run I was doing more damage by being unhappy all the time. Don’t get me wrong, some people could work it out. But in my case, I wish to hell I had waited.

    Post # 15
    1108 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I’m going to guess that many men feel that raising kids together is a big enough commitment so why do you need a wedding commitment.

    Post # 16
    525 posts
    Busy bee

    Even if SO and I got pregnant now, I wouldn’t want him to propose just because I was pregnant. It seems terribly antiquated. 

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