Post # 1
I caught the end of a radio segment today where they were discussing using sex as a reward in intimate relationships. Apparently, 1 in 10 men do this and 2/3 of women do it (I am not sure where these numbers came from – I only caught the last bit of the discussion – I know some bees hate stats without any background, but I don’t have it in this case).
Women were calling in support this premise and saying they do use sex as a reward and motivator when their partners do what they are “supposed to.” A lot of men were offended and said they aren’t dogs or children who need to be taught good behaviour. The women defended it by saying that is is no different than buying him a case of beer after he does yardwork, or a man “rewarding” a woman with flowers and/or dinner.
One of the primary examples was a man doing housework and the woman rewarding him with sex, or using sex as the motivator for doing the housework to begin with (assuming you both know what the end result of scrubbing those floors will be). I am not sure how this would be phrased…”good job on the yard, you earned a blowjob?”
What do you think of this?
Post # 3
I picked “other” because I don’t think I would ever INTENTIONALLY use sex as a reward (like the example of “you earned a blow job” that you gave) but if my SO does something that I like (which could be doing “chores” or something) I’ll probably be happy and thankful and WANT to have sex with him, especially if he asks nice 🙂
I think that sex is kind of naturally a “reward” for “good behavior” either way, right?
Post # 4
Yeah, I don’t like that idea. I have sex with my husband because it’s part of a healthy marriage, not because I’m trying to teach him to act a certain way. That’s sort of twisted to me.
Post # 5
Newp. We have a very healthy sex life with no fears of rejection and I’d never mess with it as a control tactic. We discuss things as equals. We do not “reward” or “punish” each other’s behavior.
When one of us gets the other one a surprise gift, it is not because they did something good recently and this is meant to bribe them to keep doing it. It’s just to see them happy, that’s it. I’d know if he was trying to manipulate me like that, and I’d resent it. I’m sure he’d feel the same way.
Post # 6
I dont think sex can really be a reward when its done often. its a way to show our love to each other. However say you want to reward your husband with a BJ (say if he never gets one or asks for one) then that would be a good reward. I just dont think sex can be a reward if hes getting it anyway.
Post # 7
I use ridiculous amounts of praise as a reward, sometimes I’ll also use special food eg: if you do X I’ll make you pie (FI is obsessed with pie). We have sex because we feel like it and want to be intimate, not because someone did chores.
Post # 8
@laughs: That makes sense. FI looks hot when he’s out doing yardwork and it makes me want to have sex with him. I am not trying to “reward” him, he’s just hot! Lol. I think when someone does something that endears you to them, like helping out around the house, it can naturally progress to flirting or sex. But overtly holding it over someone’s head? I’m not sure…
Post # 9
It seems like a slippery slope. I feel like if you were constantly using sex as a reward you would eventually stop thinking about it as an intimate act and instead think about it like a form of payment. Eventually one person would do things solely to get “paid” with sex, and the other person would become resentful b/c they would always be “paying” for things with it. I think sex should be an act of passion and love. Your FI doing all the dishes because you are tired from a long day of work might lead to sex, not because you want to trade dish cleaning for sex but because the act of service itself made you feel love and therefore want sex.
Post # 10
@Eckle: We do “trades” too. If there’s something I don’t want to do, i.e. take out the garbage, he will say, “I will do it if you make me cookies.” It’s only joking and in good fun as the garbage would be taken out either way, but I don’t mind it in a playful sense.
Post # 11
Not a fan. Sex isn’t something to manipulate/bribe/coerce someone else. I also don’t feel the need to reward my man for doing things he is supposed to be doing. I do believe in positive reinforcement via words, not sex or any other physicial object – he’s an adult, not a dog or a child. For example, my DH used to be less than helpful around the house. Ever since I started verbally recognizing the things he does that help me out and show him how thankful I am for it, he was over time begun doing more and more things.
You should have sex because you want to, not because you told him you would if he did something for you.
Post # 12
I think it depends on how you view sex. I agree with other bees that this would only work if you have limited sex (otherwise it is no longer a reward). I personally love having sex with my husband, so denying him sex for poor/bad behavior would be punishing myself too. I suppose if sex is a chore, it would probably be easier to use as a “training tool,” but I don’t think it would ever work for us.
Post # 13
Nope. It shouldn’t be used as a bargaining chip.
Post # 14
@laughs: exactly this. I’d never purposefully manipulate the Mr. with sex. But, if he’s “good” as opposed to “bad”, he’s much more likely to get some.
Post # 15
I guess my point is that sex is kind of naturally a “reward,” because it (usually) happens when both parties are feeling loving/romantic/passionate towards each other… which probably happens when both people are “doing the right things.” So like, it’s a reward for both people because you’re both feeling good about each other!