Post # 1
I mean.. you hear about the guys who meet their SO, automatically know they’re the one, wants to start their lives together immediately, have no doubts, no hesitation, etc.
Then you have the other guys who claim they’re not ready just yet, take their time, aren’t 100% on board, etc.
What is the difference here? Is this a little unsettling to anyone else? Sometimes I just wish my SO was one of the guys in the first group. If I’m the person he wants to be with (as he claims), what is the hold up? Why the hesitation? Where’s the excitement?
Hard waiting day over here.
Post # 3
Men go through a series of changes before they are ready to settle down.
They want to be financially secure and stable in their career, first and foremost, but a lot has to do with maturity. Younger men in general are happier dating around, sowing their oats, spending time with friends. Eventually, that gets old, and they want something more permanent.
Sometimes a lady will meet a man when he has reached that point in his life where he has reached a level of maturity and emotional understanding where he can say to himself, “Okay, it’s time to settle down” and combine that with financial and job security, and sparks on both sides, and you’ve got the perfect combination for a man that’s ready for committment.
However, many women meet their boyfriend before he has reached that emotional maturity level, or financial/job stability, and it’s much harder for the man to make that ultimate committment. Sometimes he feels that he can find better, sometimes he’s not ready because he doesn’t feel adequate in his provider abilities, and sometimes he’s just not ready emotionally to settle down for the rest of his life. Of course this can cause tension in the relationship, but that’s where honesty comes into play.
Every man is different, but they each have their own “clock” and “checklist” before they feel comfortable committing to a woman. Security is a big priority, and while it can be maddening to wait for, it’s for the benefit of both parties. Sometimes it’s better to move on. It just depends on the relationship and it’s progression. If there doesn’t seem to be progress, a woman may not feel the need to stick around. Vice versa, if things are progressing, then she may feel he just needs a little more time to get things in order.
Post # 4
It’s a major decision, change, and step in life.
Post # 5
@Torrid: This is probably the best response I’ve heard to that question. Thank you for writing that. I’m not the OP obviously but it helps me understand my own situation a little better.
A friend of mine also pointed out that age and emotional maturity don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand, and I think that she may be right.
Post # 6
I think Torrid answered the question perfectly. FI is about 3 years older than me and still took a couple of years to get to that point, where I was pretty much already at it when we met. He still wanted to get his promotion at work, pay off some debts, take a trip to Greece to see his elderly and sick grandmother ‘once last time’ before feeling like he was ready to completely change his life.
Post # 7
I woud be willing to be that relationships in the first group and second group have equal chances of longevity and failure. Some people take their time with big decisions (for example looking at dozens of cards, hundreds of houses) and otheri people make decisions very quickly. One can make argument for both styles of decision making.
Post # 8
@Torrid: some men are happy just being common law which gives us the same rights as married couples. (which drives me nuts) but we got the car now. i’ll still be saving but for wehat i have no idea lol
Post # 9
My SO is just like yours. The guy is notorious for taking his time on almost everything, but mostly big decisions! He waited 10 months to ask me out!!! He knew I liked him, and I knew he liked me AND he was single! He almost drove me crazy, but I knew he was someone worth fighting and waiting for.
Fast forward almost 3 years and I am in the same boat as you. He tells me he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, willingly talks about marriage and kids and all that jazz. We did want to wait til we were done with college though, which happened in May. Now i’m antsy with getting engaged, I could have been married a year ago! But I realize he also needs to be ready too. The only thing he has said to me is, “I don’t feel old enough to be married, but I know I am”. He’s 23, yes it might be on the young side to some, but lots of people much younger get married. I feel as though part of me has to reassure him that we aren’t going to pop out babies just yet and it doesn’t mean we can’t have a late night partying with our friends!
I think it takes time and patience, and I have bad days too so I hear ya!
Post # 10
@kerensa: I wasn’t answering a question of “Which relationships last longer?”, I was answering a question of “Why do some men commit faster than others.”
Post # 11
From everything he says, my SO has been sure for a long time. The holdup with him is that he’s anxious about the whole proposal process: buying a ring, proposing, and the attention afterward. It took him 3 years to buy me any jewelry because it was just too daunting for some reason. I’ve tried to tell him that we don’t need to do the traditional proposal, but he won’t go for that either.
Post # 12
Just thinking about my DH, it was definitely a combination of things. We had been together for 6 years when he had proposed (granted, we were 18 and 20 when we started dating, so fairly young). One big thing holding us back was his education. He was living 5 hours away for grad school, and it wasn’t feasible for me to move with him. The other thing holding him back from proposing was the actual buying of the ring! DH is very particular when it comes to making big purchases. He had to make sure he had enough saved up, plus he was getting what he wanted. He doesn’t make big purchases very quickly, so it took him some time to make that decision.
I know that while I was waiting to get engaged, I would hate looking at Facebook and seeing other engagement stories of engagements that happened to couples who had seemingly been dating overnight. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for them, it just made me wish that it was my time. Now that we’re married, it definitely doesn’t matter that so-and-so have been married for two years longer than us. The baby bug is nibbling a little, but we’re doing all right :-).
Post # 13
I think in my situation at least, SO is waiting until he is more finacially secure. He doesnt have any money in savings, and I feel like he is working to save. Also at the moment his job is not exactly in the ideal situation. So, when I get frustrated, I try to remember he is waiting for things to be more prefect so that we dont have to struggle as a couple
Post # 14
@Torrid: I agree! What a great response. (Even though it stil doesn’t make me feel better while waiting). 😉 I have been waiting for a while! A loooong while. My SO and I have been together since 9/20/03…NINE years, one week, & 2 days. You mentioned the reason I feel my boyfriend is not ready…both because he has said the same words but in his own way, and because I know him and how he thinks.
“sometimes he’s not ready because he doesn’t feel adequate in his provider abilities”
I just wonder how I reassure him that it’s a TEAM effort and he doesn’t have to be the whole provider once we get married. We already live together, have joint finances and great jobs post college. We don’t have kids either. But I wish my SO was one of those guys that just proposed as soon as they knew she was the one. :/