Post # 1
I have heard this phrase multiple times. People have asked me if we do. I can’t say that I know what they are talking about. I have told my boyfriend many times “I wish we would talk about marriage more”. But he becomes irritated and says something like “I don’t know what you mean. What do you want to talk about? How much more can we talk about?” What does this mean guys? Is it vague or more specific? I can’t imagine how we are supposed to get engaged if we can’t even correctly speak about it.
Post # 3
For awhile before FI and I got engaged, he would act like that whenever I brought up getting married or engaged. I would say your SO isn’t ready for engagement or marriage yet, unfortunately. I found the best thing to do was just leave it alone until he brought it up. That way, he was able to “get ready” in his own time and it didn’t feel forced on either end. Made things a lot better in the long run!
Post # 4
Could he not be ready? That makes me feel sad 🙁 We have decided to get engaged next July.
Post # 5
Here are the things my FI and I talked about regarding marriage:
- Family relationships (moreso how to split Holidays)
- Where we would live (and what our goals for a home in the future)
- How we see ourselves handling the finances
- Children (how many, when, parenting styles)
- Family dynamics (SAHM, working mom, basically parenting duties)
- Politics (although we never discussed this while discussing marriage but we know we are aligned politically)
And, we don’t live together so often one of us will say it will be so nice when we live together because… whatever reason at that time.
There are also many web articles and books that you can look into about questions to discuss before you get married that go into the above topics in a very deep way.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID
@fainavach1992: I’m not really sure what you’re asking. My SO and I talk about marriage in a “it’s going to happen” type of way. We’ve talked about why we’d want to get married, what it means to us, and we’ve even delved into what season we’d want to get married in, what state, etc. though no official plans have been made yet.
We’ve also talked about other hard hitting questions like what would happen if I had a miscarriage, do we want kids, what if I got pregnant when we didn’t want to, how to handle finances, etc. but I wasn’t sure if that’s what you’re talking about.
Post # 7
@fainavach1992: Well it sounds like maybe he is tired of the marriage talk. If he said that he’s proposing in July I suppose you should wait til July!
But I do think its better to discuss potential problems before you encounter them than in the heat of the moment.
Post # 8
@fainavach1992: There are 3 ways to “talk about marriage”. First, you talk in general about how you view marriage and kids. What kind of expectations you have. How do you see your future–school, jobs, retirement, where to live.
Then you start talking specifics about what that would look like between you and SO. He wants to retire at the beach, you want to retire in the mountains. You want to be married by 30, he wants to wait until he’s 35. How do you work that out? At this point you are getting into details and nitty-gritty; asking difficult questions and really figuring out if you are not just in love, but really compatible in the long term. You havent said yes to marrying each other, but you are working out the different scenerios.
Lastly, you make the decision that Yes, we want to marry each other. Then you start talking about a specific timeline. How long will be engaged? When can you expect a proposal? At this point you are talking less about the Marriage and more about the Wedding.
Unfortunately some people skip the first step and even more skip the 2nd. Im always shocked at how many people I hear about that get divorced because “they never knew theie SO never wanted kids”. Seriously, how do you not talk about that stuff?
Post # 9
@fainavach1992: to talk about marriage means: are we getting marrired or not? When? what’s the plan man!!! Why is he acted like it is a complicated subject? What else about the marriage could you talk about????? You would not be talking about wedding favors or colors. THe only thing you would be talking about is whether or not the relationship is headed towards marriage soon or ever.
Post # 10
We talked about more of our future plans and how eachother would fit in. I think a lot of people like @KoiKove: said, skip that part (THE IMPORTANT PART) and start talking time line of when to get married. That isn’t talking about marriage IMO, that is talking about having a wedding.
We talked about kids, budget, jobs, budget, religion, budget, free time, budget (see which one is important to us) But we only talked about getting married after those were pretty well established.
Post # 11
Well, what do you want him to say when you ask that? If you’ve already set a month to get engaged I don’t know what else you want him to say about that aspect.
But before getting engaged you must discuss what you want in the future. Do you both want children? Do you want to be a SAHM and would he agree to that arrangement (for example)? Will you follow a religion? How about finances? etc etc.
Post # 12
@fainavach1992: We started talking about around 7-8 months into our relationship. He literally said he could see him self marrying me. A while after that we would talk about after we get married…..how many kids..names of kids….where we were going on our honeymoon…where we were getting married….when we would finally get married….what ring I wanted…..and a whole whole whole lot of me dangling my ‘naked’ finger infront of his face.
Post # 13
In our premarital classes our pastor asked us about the 5 F’s:
Family – do you want kids? how many? when do you want them? How will family gatherings work? How will holidays work with the relatives? Etc.
Friends – how much time to spend with friends, having girls/guys nights, will you become friends with your spouses friends. Etc.
Finances – will you join bank accounts? will you have a spending limit (before you have to ask “permission”)? who will pay the bills? are you a spender and him a saver (or vice versa)? Etc.
Future – where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? 50 years? do you want to own a home? how do you want to spend your retirement? when will you retire? Etc.
Faith – do you plan to go to church? which religion? will you teach your kids about religion? Etc.
Granted, we had already discussed these things before we even got engaged. So answering these questions and discussions was really easy for us. Have y’all discussed things like these topics? If not, when you bring up marriage ask him specific questions like the ones above.
If you’ve both already discussed the above, I’m not really sure what you want him to talk about. Wedding planning? If so, he’s probably not interested because y’all aren’t even engaged yet…
Post # 14
@fainavach1992: I think this has to happen naturally. You can start/direct the coversation a bit, but it can’t be like “Let’s have a marriage discussion… ok, go!”
We had always talked about our futures (individually and then later us together). It included what we wanted to accomplish in our careers, in life, where we wanted to travel, live, etc. Marriage was a part of both plans. And it became obvious at one point that it was a plan for us to be married to each other.
We talked about when we’d like to see that happen, if we wanted kids, where we’d like them to grow up, how we’d want them to grow up (schools, religion, things we saw as ‘must dos’) the kind of family we wanted, the invovlement of our extended families with our kids (ie: lots.) We also talked about what our division of labour would be like, what we needed from each other to be happy, etc. We talked about the mistakes of our parents that we’d like to learn from and avoid, as well as the amazing things they did that we hope to do too.
I think its an on going discussion. And I don’t think it ever ends.
Post # 15
I just am now starting to wonder if he’s interested at all. He’s never told me “I see myself marrying you” on his own. I feel like I’ve pushed it. And now I think he’s turned off. I need to turn down.
Post # 16
@IzzyBear: Thank you. This was so helpful as we have a strong religious background.