Post # 1
My SO says that he wants to marry me and is sure of it but is “not ready” to propose. I’ve noticed quite a few posts here from bees whose SO says the same.
Does anyone know wtf this means? For me, the minute I felt sure about my partner, I was also ready for the next step.
SO says it’s a one way street, and we keep getting closer to him feeling ready. He makes it sound like a destination or something. What makes a man feel ready? Did anyone hear from their FI or DH what made them “ready?”
Anything that can be done to expedite this whole readiness situation?
Post # 3
how long have you been together and when did he say this?
Post # 4
@DazedConfusedEtc: There could be plenty of reasons he’s not ready.
1. He may need to save for a ring because he doesn’t want to go into debt for it.
2. He may want to pay off other debts before getting married.
3. He may have some vision for what a husband is and isn’t where he wants to be (better job, less desire to go out with the guys, whatever).
4. He may feel like a kid still.
5. He may have some ideal age or length of relationship he thinks he has to be at before getting married.
6. He may have personal issues he wants to take care of first.
Really… I could go on and on but you could just ASK him.
Post # 5
@MexiPino: +1. There are lots of reasons. Emotionally he could be all for getting married, but circumstances may make him feel like he’s not. Or it could be something entirely different. We don’t know. You have to ask him.
Post # 6
@DazedConfusedEtc: My FI and I said from 3 months in that we were sure we wanted to marry each other. That did not mean at all that either of us wanted to walk down the aisle right then though. We wanted to do some more travel, enjoy the initial ‘dating phase’, live together for a while, save money to pay for a wedding etc.
Post # 7
@DazedConfusedEtc: I would say unless he’s “not ready” for financial reasons then he’s actually not sure. Which is not meant to sound like something so horrible. He may be very close to being sure. He may be telling you he’s sure because he feels like he is so close and he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. He might be indecisive and afraid of moving too fast. My FI is that way. I had to tell him to stop saying he’s sure and we’ll be together forever when he was “not ready” because the two concepts don’t jive. So after telling him a few times to stop saying that until he really meant it and dropping the whole marriage conversation for awhile he made his decision.
The only thing you can really do is give him his space and the time he needs to make his decision. I would not keep bringing it up if I were you. The last thing you want is for him to feel pressured and either shrink away or propose before he’s ready and resent you forever.
Post # 8
@Cordellia: We’ve been together 16 months, he said it the first time a few months ago, and since he says he’s “getting closer.”
@MexiPino: The money isn’t the problem, he has a good amount of savings. He’s not good at saving from his monthly salary, but he has options from a former company. He keeps me pretty updated in terms of finances and talks about using the money for a house for us one day. He also is established career wse and makes a good salary. Growing up isn’t the issue either, he’s 32 and has a kid from a previous marriage.
The thing is that I did ask him, and nothing he’s said made a whole lot of sense. He was in a terrible divorce 9 years ago and so I thought maybe it was fear, but he said that is itsn’t. He swears up and down that he’s going to marry me and that he’s 100% certain of it. He has no explanation for this whole “not being ready thing” other than that it’s a “feeling.”
This is frustrating and confusing to me because I just don’t get it. He talks about our wedding, our future, says we’re going to have a good life together, I do believe him that he’s certain and has been for some time. So what gives??
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
I know BF thinks he’s not financially ready (and he really does have a point but try telling that to me when I’m an emotional wreck lol), so hopefully things will go a bit quicker for us when he get a regular paying part time job in the field he wants.
if he is only saying “I’m just not ready” but can’t really explain it then I guess it just means that he wants more time to become certain about the situation. I guess it’s hard for us women in to understand/explain because once we know we want to marry someone then we’re pretty much ready (though of course there are exceptions), I really can’t get my head around wanting to marry someone but not being ready to unless there are tangible circumstances preventing it (money, living arrangements, education or perhaps children :/)
Post # 10
If this helps, if my SO proposed to me tomorrow, I would tell him no. I KNOW I’m not ready yet. I absolutely adore every inch of him and love him more than ever, but there are a few reasons. One is financial and pretty obvious (just finished grad school, no job, student debt and no savings), but the other is that I don’t think we know each other well enough. We’ve been together for 18 months and have been through a lot (having to move in together after 8 months which earlier than both of us would have liked, me being jobless, him starting a new career, stuff like that) but we are still very much in the “in love” phase and don’t truly know each other yet. What happens when I start to get annoyed when he leaves his socks on the floor or when he gets fed up with my crankiness when I’m hungry? What happens when someone close to one of us dies or one of us becomes very ill? Or when we become bored with our daily lives and with each others’ company? We just haven’t been together long enough to be sure that we can weather these things when they happen, and making a legally and socially binding contract like marriage, or even engagement, makes it so mcuh harder to end things if that should need to happen. I know that these things occur anyway, regardless of whether you are married or not or when you get married, but for me, it’s just a case of giving it a little more time. After all, what’s the rush?
Post # 11
I know our circumstances are different because we are older and had already had our children when we met but for all that, while we both knew we were totally committed to each other and wanted a permanent relationship neither of us were ready for marriage. So if my DH had proposed to me a few years ago my answer would have been no.
You’ve only been together for 16 months and he’s already been through a divorce which may well make him more cautious this time around. So I’d just enjoy the relationship and don’t, whatever you do, put pressure on him to get married right now because if you do, he’s just as likely to walk away as he is to propose.
Post # 12
@DazedConfusedEtc: maybe he’s just waiting for some things to fall into place Example: For you and his kid to have a stronger connection? I’m not sure, just trying to throw a suggestion out there?
Post # 13
@DazedConfusedEtc: If he’s got a child I can understand him wanting to wait longer than a year and four months. I would be patient and give it some time before you get frustrated. Enjoy building your relationship.
Post # 14
It means he knows for sure he doesn’t want to do it now but isn’t sure he won’t change his mind in the future.
Post # 15
@AlwaysSunny: If it was this I would totally get it, but it’s not. My SO’s son isn’t with us often because he lives far away. We’ve been living together a year, though, and his son has an awesome room we decorated for him in our place. We spend a ton of time together and get along very well. My SO tells me quite a lot how happy he is that his son and I get along so well together. He even had a talk with him a few months back telling him that he was eventually going to marry me.
If there was just a reason to this, just one reason, I would feel way more at ease. It’s the damn vagueness that’s killing me.
I want to add too that I know there are people here who waited 3, 5, 8 years for a proposal. I’m 31 years old and starting a family soon is very important to me. I also feel that in the time we’ve been together, I’ve learned what I need to know, as did he. The communication between us is incredible, we go on a date with each other every week which is a tradition I love, we spend tons of time with each other’s families. This is it, BUT that said, I won’t sit around waiting for years for him to figure that out.
He told me it’s a matter of weeks but if it’s a feeling he’s waiting for, I don’t get how he could know when it will come if at all.
Post # 16
It means he is not ready.
He might be ready tomorrow… next month…. next year, or never. It is frustrating, but there it is.