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Since it's been brought up so many times about people being offended if someone would prefer a cash gift over something more tangible, I'm curious to know exactly why it offends you? Is it because you feel there's little thought behind it? Maybe if you give a gift, it can appear to be more expensive than it really was (or you're re-gifting)? Any other reasons?
We always give gifts for showers and never at the weddings themselves. It's actually odd for anyone we know to have a gift table, since it remains empty. I have never sent nor received a wedding gift at home prior to the wedding either, but I know some friends from different areas of the country have always done just that. We always give cash at the wedding, so what's the norm in your circle?
We do the same thing - gift at shower, money at wedding. I like to do some sort of tangible gift that I can put a little something extra with for the shower. I feel like cash is just... cash, and you can't really reflect the couples' personality in that.
I don't think it's being offended that someone wants cash over a gift...it's the audacity of that couple to dictacte what my gift should be to them. It's a gift...so I should be able to decide what I want to give you, and I think it's presumptuous for people to think it's ok to tell me what I should give them.
We usually like to give a small gift with a card and a check inside at weddings. Most people in our circle also give cash...but again, totally their decision rather than the bride and groom dictating what they should give. Make sense?
I usually give cash at weddings. I don't have any problem with giving it as a gift. It is when people ASK for cash that I'm offended. Then it doesn't feel like a gift (which is freely given) as much as an admission charge.
Also, I think there is something sentimental about giving/receiving actual gifts. I think some people like to give a present because they like the thought of the couple having a tangible reminder of them and their gift in their homes. I know my parents still have wedding gifts (china, glassware, silver) that remind them of the people that gave them to them nearly 50 years later. They take pleasure in looking at an item and remembering it was a wedding gift from Aunt Mary (who has been dead now many years). I think a lot of people want to give tangible gifts for that reason.
Personally I like getting gifts better than $ as long as its something from the registry. Because for me I'll spend $ on something we need rather than something fun that would be nice to have. And the most important part is I LOVE opening presents!
Normally for weddings I give $ if I know thats what the couple wants.
Also like the PP I'm only offended when someone doesnt register because they want $ or write somewhere that they want $. If I ask i'm not offended but if they just come out and say it. Rude.
I will never kick cold, hard cash out for eating crackers in bed.
I can see where 2peasinapod is coming from. I'm not so much offended by the fact that they want cash, I'm more offended that more and more couples are putting that statement in their invitations, RSVP's and shower invites.
Example, my mother organized our shower and since she knew we were not looking for any normal gifts she put a little line that basically said, "the couples want cash" (more eloquently, obviously) but when I got the invite I was floored. I was so embarrassed of what people would think of my "demands for cash only" but it was too late to do anything about it.
I just graduated from college, which is where all of my wedding experience has been. If someone asked for just money, I would have been very hard pressed to scrape together very much of it. I like giving gifts because I can put more effort into finding good deals on something that will be useful. I'm an expert sale-stalker and I don't have a ton of money.
I can appreciate that someone would want cash from their wedding, but it puts people who are broke in a pretty awkward position. I really wouldn't want to attend a wedding with just a $25 check.
I think maybe the issue arises when people presume the registry is for shower gifts and not wedding gifts as well. We use the registry as a guide for the showers and if anything remains on it, no one (in my family,anyway) ever thinks to buy something from it to give as a wedding gift. That's why we give cash at the wedding itself...not because someone is requesting it. Now THAT I've never experienced, but I can see why it might be off putting to someone.
I don't have a problem giving cash, I take offense to the couple telling me that they want cash. It just seems presumptuous.
Hooo boy. This one's going to be all fire and brimstone!
I think that it's the being ASKED for cash that's the problem for me.
1. I think that a gift should be something personal that reflects my relationship with the couple or symbolic of them starting out their relationship together. I'm old-fashioned that way. I like knowing that I helped them build their china collection and stuff. Now, I know that makes less and less sense with today's registries which would have me buying like, towels, but that's just how I feel.
2. Now THIS, I suspect is going to get me some flack, but here's the issue with giving cash, specifically to peers (I may give cash to my peers children when I get older), as I see it: big things in people's lives--a wedding, new home, honeymoon vacations, etc. are not my responsibilities to help pay for. It's part of the reason I don't like the logic of "oh, well we have all the stuff we need, so give us cash for our honeymoon/home repairs/down payment" because in my head it's like, "stop buying so much stuff and you might have money for a vacation/home repairs/down payment." I mean, part of getting married, in my view, is saying that the two people are adults. Well, adults have big responsibilities, like mortages and taxes, and travel, and student loans, and credit card debt etc. etc. and when you ask me to contribute cash, it's like asking for me to help you pay for those things. It's sort of similar in that I'm happy to give a baby gift but it's not my responsibility to help pay for the kid to go to college.
I also don't like the idea of giving cash at a wedding because it also suggests in a way that I'm offsetting the cost of the wedding. And again, to me, it's like, why would I pay you to hang out at your wedding?
So I recognize that I'm fuddy-duddy and not many other people feel this way. I'm not advocating my perspective is perfect or should be a model for everyone at all. If you want to give cash, give cash. If you want to get cash and you don't mind that there are people in the world who might feel like me, then go ahead and request it. But you asked, and there's my answer.
Personally, I would never be offended by receiving a cash-only gift.
However, I might be slightly put off if a couple requested cash-only gifts. In general I think it's expected that a couple will receive a mix of cash and tangible gifts, if not mostly cash gifts. Let's face it- it is easier on people to just run to the ATM or to write a check than it is to hunt down that thing off your registry. For lots of people, this has become a norm.
But if a couple dictated that they didn't want tangible gifts at all (I've heard of couples even setting up a "donations" website of sorts where guests can give them money gifts through paypal) then it is certainly going to start to look like they're begging for money.
Receiving a cash gift and asking for a cash gift are totally different. The point is to allow the gift giver to make their own decision on how to give you a gift.
Receiving a cashift isn't offensive but it is really impersonal. Like, come on, you couldn't spend 5 minute online on the registry to choose something that you think we'd find useful?
Also it is, simple put, just rude to request/ask for cash as you should not tell someone what to give you. Whether asked or not, I never give cash as a gift because:
A) it is super impersonal and I'm old fashioned in that I like to think that the couple will think of me every time they use whatever item I buy them. You don't get that with cash.
B) like JennyW1, it makes me feel as if I'm funding their wedding / honeymoon and IMO if you are adult enough to be married, you are adult enough to budget and save to pay for your own vacations. That isn't my responsibility as your guest.
I am a person that HATES clutter, knicknacks, and things that just sit there! And I guess I am pretty picky, so if you just pick something out of the blue to give to me I probably won't keep it. I am the person that will give away gifts I recieve or donate them if I can not use them, I appreciate the gesture but I think it was a waste of thier money to me, IMO. That being said I almost always give a cash gift for a wedding so I know (or atleast I think) my money has not gone to waste. But if the couple set up a "donation" website only with no other option, I would be put off and not donate. I don't think that is appropriate.
I will say I was really looking forward to some of the items on our registry, but the more people I talk to they are suprised we have one. We have been together for 6 years and bought a house togehter a lttle over a year ago, so people assume we don't need anything. That upset me, because I love the traditional aspects of some wedding gifts, like china. I put mostly really low cost things on ours (including china) that we could really use. I put a lot of thought into it because as I stated above if I can't use it I won't keep it. It really hurt my feelings.
I do give cash at weddings and it doesnt offend me to do so but it does offend me when people actually ASK for cash. People arent supposed to ask for gifts either. By definition a gift should be given freely and not in response to a demand for it. I think its offensive to ask for cash because thats almost like asking people to chip in to pay for your wedding, which is in bad taste.
DH and I preferred cash a million times over tangible gifts so I don't get offended if a couple 'prefers' to get cash. I just think it's rude to instruct guests about what an 'acceptable' gift is, since it should really be up to the guest herself.
@JennyW1: Sooooo I'm supposed to wait until i'm 27 and married to buy dishes, a vacuum cleaner, blender, basic kitchen tools just because you think I should only let people buy them for me for my wedding? Um, NO. I think the trending towards cash is the acknowledgement that people get married LATER these days, and are already established. So instead of buying them things they already have (because I was an adult FIRST, married SECOND - my marriage does not validate my adulthood), you contribute towards their future together, which for most people, includes buying a home and travel.
@crayfish: You might be right that it's a trend relating to later marriages--I can definitely see that. I didn't mean to imply that you aren't an adult until you are properly married--absolutely one is an adult as an individual. And no, certainly you're not supposed to live for years without dishes! Certainly not.
But it still doesn't mean that I should feel compelled to give you money towards buying a house. Or paying for a vacation. Or repairing your roof. Those are your responsibilities as an adult.
I think the offense is in the presumption, as others have said. "I'm getting married, you can write the check to ..." is what's tacky. So is "I'm getting married, here is where you can buy me something!" IMHO.
Several friends wrote in their invitation something along the line of: "Your presence on our special day is all we'd ever want, but if you insist on giving us a gift, we'd prefer..."
While this is not following etiquette, I didn't find it offensive at all.
I know which I want...and it's deinitely the cash. FI and I both have apartments away from each other with our own sets of everything. And like OP have said, I hate clutter. I hate getting little things that I will never use, that I can never return sitting around my house. Yes, I regift...or donate, but I think a gift should be practical...and if it's practical for the couple to receive cash, well...let them have it!
And I think most couples, I hope, will understand if you don't have a lot to give. At least, I would be.
I wanted cash waaaay more than gifts at our wedding. And this may be rude, but I took off most things on our registry that hadn't been purchased a few days before the wedding so that people wouldn't just buy stuff off the registry and bring it to the wedding. Not only is cash better for us, but it would have been difficult to transport 150 gifts back to the hotel that night. I don't really get people who don't want to give cash...even with all the reasons listed about. To me, cash is obviously going to be more useful for a couple, and so it makes the most sense. I don't have a problem with them using that cash for a home, for the honeymoon, or to pay off credit card debt. I've never heard a couple "request" cash, as in "In stead of gifts, we would like you to bring cash to the wedding."
I don't think giving cash or wanting cash is tacky or offensive. What is tacky and offensive if ASKING for cash. or anything for that matter. I have mixed feelings about registries for this very reason.
I definitely prefer to give and receive tangible gifts for big events like graduations, weddngs, etc. Frankly, we've been married just a month now and I haven't the foggiest memory of who the pile of wedding checks came from, and well, we used that stack of cash to pay off our credit cards that included honeymoon expenses and everyday stuff like groceries. Thanks Uncle Bob (or was it Aunt Sue?) for buying our frozen pizza this month. It was not especially satisfying.
I do remember, however, the things like a set of wine glasses and a cheese board from two friends who always used to go to wine tastings with me in college, and I've been mixing up a storm in the new KitchenAid Pro that my aunts and uncles on the other side gave us. DH got tools from a buddy who he helped remodel a house with. There was thought put into the gifts, and memories we'll keep with them as long as we have them.
But, to each their own...just my 2 cents! I do get offended if people ask for cash or gifts in their invites, etc. -- I don't want to be told how I should choose to honor this big event in your life!
I would never turn my nose at cash! I think what bothers people is more the fact that someone is requesting a certain gift when maybe the receiving of a gift shouldn't be assumed.
I agree its the couples who demand cash that bother me. I had a family member who had their wedding after 8 years of being together and 3 childern who had a website for their cash gifts. The invite was very specific and there was actually a minimum cash amount for the gift. I found it very TACKY. On the other had my BF is asian and it is customary to give a red evelope with money and the amount depends on how close you are. I did research and although she NEVER specifically asked for cash or any gift I gave a red evelope with $600. I saved for months but in her culture I learned that was typical for how close we are.
I'm with Madras. I like the idea of a couple actually thinking about me occasionally when they use their dishes or glassware or whatever. But cash? I just envision that going into a general account and being used for something like toilet paper or trash can liners. Not exactly exciting or romantic. So that's why I choose to give tangible gifts (although I admit, I have occasionally given a gift card to a store where the couple registered if I couldn't find anything on the registry that fit my price range).
Of course, I won't be offended if people give cash. And hey, to each her own--give whatever you feel comfortable giving!
I dont understand why people keep saying "I want cash" Its not about what you want, but instead what the guests want to give you. Would you ordinarily walking around asking people for money? Why do people think that having a wedding autmotically means you deserve cash? Honestly if you want cash that badly then dont have a big deal wedding that costs 20,000. Just have a simple civil ceremony and keep all that xtra cash in your pocket. You have a wedding because you want it, the guests dont ask you to have a big wedding so why should you ask them what to gift you?
@bells: None of these posters are saying that they're going to ask for cash, but why is it wrong to be honest about what we would prefer, since that's what this post is talking about? not to mention, not everyone who wants cash NEEDS it to pay for the wedding or honeymoon. DH and I paid everything off that we needed to, and our cash that we received as gifts is going in the bank and toward a variety of other things.
@ JennyW1 – I’m not trying to start an argument, but I don’t really think I get what you are saying, so I’d like a little more clarification. Personally, I wouldn’t write please give cash on my invitations, but when people directly ask me where I’m planning on registering I tell them that I’m not. We don’t really need anything that can be bought directly. While you said you don’t like the thought of financing someone’s wedding/honeymoon/house repairs, how is buying their china/towels/cookware any different?
I don’t think I really understand your comment of “because in my head it's like, "stop buying so much stuff and you might have money for a vacation/home repairs/down payment."” My FI and I have lived together for about 4 years and bought a house together almost 2 years ago. While I would have liked to save all the purchases I’ve made over the years for my wedding registry, I needed pans for cooking and plates for eating 4 years ago, so I bought them.
Personally, registering for more cookware and dishes would be rather silly at this point because I already have a serviceable set and I can’t help but feel that registering for fine china and Le Creuset cookware would be hard on guests also because I already have all the low/mid priced items I need. The only things left to buy would be expensive upgrades of what we already have.
So while I don’t want to offend my guests, I don’t want to send them into sticker shock over $200 frying pans and expensive place settings.
I think the registry/cash question is only going to get more difficult as more couples cohabitate or live apart from their parents before they marry.
So for the anti-cash people let me ask you a question. If you were a guest and you only had $25 to spend on a gift would you rather just put the $25 in a nicely written card or buy what would essentially equal 1 plate of a place setting off of a registry?
It's not giving cash that offends people; it's when someone flat-out asks for cash that is rude.
I agree with Madras. I would prefer gifts because I'm sentimental like that.
Nothing offends me about giving (or receiving cash). I agree with other posters that I get put off by requests for cash. If I ask what the person would prefer (gift or cash) and they say cash, I'll take that into consideration.
I have to be honest. I came across my first honeyfund request recently and I didn't like it. I'm not sure why. I think that there was some...frustration because my FH and I aren't going anywhere that requires a plane or is expensive because we can't afford it, but yet I was being asked to pay for a couple's massage. It just didn't sit right with me and I'm not sure why, entirely. We still gave the couple what they wanted...I would love to get my china, so I figured I can't request that and not give them what THEY registered for, even if it wasn't my cup of tea.
@ArwenBride: But when you get married, people will give you things or give you money that they perhaps would not buy for themselves...that's what a gift is. It doesn't seem fair to not give a couple what they request simply because of jealousy that you can't have it yourself, which it seems like you realize as well.
@abbyful: It seems like people also don't seem to like it when it is implied that couples would prefer cash, such as when they don't register. That's not an outright request for anything, and yet people seem to get offended and say, "I'm going to get them a vase anyway, just to show them!". I don't understand that.
@IAmLemondrop: I know you didn't address me (and I may be in the minority as I just butt in) but I would rather have the plate. :)
But again, it's about knowing your audience. I live with my FH, but we don't have all the china, flatware, towels, etc. so we registered for them. I wouldn't go out and buy fine china for myself...but it is a lovely wedding present. To be honest, my mom just threw some towels away a couple of years ago that my parents have had since they were married...in 1977. I personally grew up with my mom saying at family dinners "That plate was given to us by (insert name) at our wedding." I'm looking forward to doing the same.
That being said, I'm extremely grateful for any gift...cash, registry, or otherwise.
We are considering a "wishing well" wedding aka money/monetary gift....mainly because we have been together for 6 years and live together, we have all the regular registry stuff and want to now buy a house. If we were just moving in together and didn't accumulate anything then sure I woul dthink to even register. But what can someone really get me for my house when we already have china, vacuums and every other typical wedding registered gift.
I see where people are coming from about the "being asked for cash thing" but most of those in our lives who are invited would ask themselves why would we register too....
@ArwenBride: But if you were a GUEST, which would you feel more comfortable giving--one plate, or $25??
I personally haven't ever seen people comment that not registering is tacky. Not registering is fine (but be prepared to get a bunch of stuff you don't want because people will want to get you something, and many people prefer to give an actual item as a gift because they feel it is more personal).
Saying "cash gifts prefered/only" is when it is tacky and rude.
Examples:
Tactful:
"We're registered at stores X and Y, and we're also saving for Z."
Rude:
"We're registered at stores X and Y, but we prefer cash"
"We didn't register because we want cash"
And NEVER put in writing that you want cash.
@hilsy85: and @IAmLemondrop: I'd feel way more comfortable buying the plate.
@hilsy85: Agreed...Which is why we paid for their day trip. :) My reaction was completely irrational and I totally own that.
It didn't sit well with me, just like (perhaps) my $150 place settings doesn't sit well with some members of my FH family. Different strokes for different folks.
Things change. My mom was always anti-registry because she was pretty old-school. Then my sister got married and she changed her tune. Now she's fully on board with registries, etc.
I don't think that there's anything wrong with saying, if asked, "we would prefer money towards a house"...it's the same as saying "The bride and groom are registered at such and such a place". People can choose to get you whatever they'd like or nothing at all. I wouldn't say I wanted cash, but I wouldn't be offended if someone did.
Having your own wedding really makes you THINK about this stuff...and, I think, makes you more understanding towards other peoples' choices.
@bells: I’m going to have to disagree with your comment there. “guests dont ask you to have a big wedding so why should you ask them what to gift you?” Umm, actually I’ve had several people ask if they were invited, so in a way all these people are asking me to have a big wedding because each ‘Am I invited’ that I give into expands my guest list a little bit more.
But aside from that, do you not like registries either? Because you are specifically going to a store and making a list of everything you want, so if you follow the registry, you are telling people what to get you.
Registries are considered traditional now, but is anyone offended at the idea of a registry also?
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