Post # 1
My husband I married a month ago yesterday. We were together for 6 years to the day. We have one son who is almost 4. On Saturday night, while we were getting snuggly, he starts to tell me about how brothels near Las Vegas work. He was drinking, and so was I. My question for him was, “did you go to one?”. He looked at me and told me “No”, but I pressed him how he knew so much about it since we are not porn watchers or even own toys. He broke down, said he didn’t pay, that his friend did, and that it was supposedly only once. He smiled while talking about it. It really made me sick. It has been less than 2 days since he dropped this on me, and now I am supposed to just drop it and forget that he said. He used the excuse he was young and single. He told me today that if he had told me sooner he would have just been single again very quickly and he didn’t want that. He told me he knew the women he was with, even tried to maintain that today, until I pointed that you can’t just know a call girl. He even tried to tell me they talked a while first (which I really don’t believe).
I myself am having a very hard time dealing with this. Our entire relationship he has not been abusive about sex, but very withdrawn. If I seem interested and he will turn me down. He makes excuses, even acts like I am pushy about it. He never intiates. I had only been engaged in the act of sex about 10 times before we had met period. I was ill the first 15 months of our relationship, having a surgery for diaphramic hernia within weeks of meeting him. Then when I found out I was pregnant (opps!) I had a massive bladder stone removed. I am not exactly well now. It just hurts. I love him, and he says he loves me. He works, I have permanently broken right ankle, which often effects my mobilty. He has let me know on many occasions that he is the only one making money. Today he said “All men pay for it one way or another”.
I am really lost. I feel like he should have told me this long ago, I am not sure how I would have taken it, but I don’t think it would have been as hard as they way it was presented to me. He feels better now, and now I feel like garbage, and am just supposed to let it go. He almost seems like it really doesn’t phase him other than I am really mad at him. He acts like there really isn’t much to talk about, but I can’t wrap my head around it or stop thinking about it. I am not sure if I can really let this go.
Post # 2
To each their own, but unless this happened while you were involved with him, I don’t see what the problem is. “You can’t just know a call girl”?? Seriously? Escorts are people too, and they are not inherently any better or worse than non-sex workers. Would you be this pissed off if he had told you that he had had a one night stand in his youth? Because most guys don’t get to know those girls any better than they do the women they pay for sex.
Post # 3
Forwhomthebelltolls: I can’t tell from your post because it is a bit incoherant. When did he sleep with a prostitute? Was it before or after you had started seeing each other?
And I agree with beanowl: sex workers are people too. Did you know that escorts are often employed by people with disabilities because a lot of abled bodied people wont enter into relationships with them. Or by people who would rather pay someone for sex than go out and manipulate someone into sleeping with them or have a string of one night stands with people who probably don’t have STI health check regularly?
Post # 4
Your post is a little all over the place. I see three issues here. First, you are upset that he had an experience with a call girl. If it was before he met you and a long time ago, when he was young and single, like he says, then there really not much to be mad about. You can’t scold him for doing something before he met you. Everyone has a past and what matters now is The person he is with you today.
Second, sounds like you lack intimacy in your relationship and you’re resenting him more now because of his one time experience. That’s a separate issue you need to talk to him about if you feel like you’re not happy with your sex life with him.
Third, him always reminding you that he makes the money and you don’t. These are issues all separate from what he did when he was younger. Are you guys having financial problems? Does he wish you were working too? I think this is your biggest issues to worry about than what he did way before he met you. If you guys are fighting about other issues like you not working or him making most of the money, then that can cause some withdrawal from intimacy.
Post # 5
Silly_love: Good post.
OP, why the hell does it matter who he slept with before he met you? Unless he did it while he was exclusive with you, it doesn’t matter.
There does seem to be an issue of lack of intimacy, as a PP said. That is a real problem, and one that should be addressed with your partner.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I personally would not be so upset about my FI having been to a prostitute. As long as he was safe and legal, what’s the issue?
The other issues in your relationship are serious and many. I would seriously consider both individual counseling AND couples therapy.
Post # 7
If he paid for sex prior to your relationship then it shouldn’t be a problem. Yeah ì’d look at my man a little funny too, but thus wouldn’t be a dealbreaker now that we are married. I asked my husbandnif he ever paid for sex when we were dating and he saidno. I also asked him if ever had sex when the wowoman’s consent was questionable.
Sounds like you guys have other issues anyway.
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
I can’t tell from your post if he did this during your relationship or not. If this was something he did before he met you, then you need to let it go. I think you both need to sort out what’s going on with your sex life regardless.
Post # 9
Forwhomthebelltolls: Nah I agree with you. It’s gross. I don’t care if they’re people too. I would have a problem with this if my FI had done this too and never told me about it. I think paying for sex is wrong.
At least he did it well before you guys were together… You’re going to have to accept or move on.
Post # 10
Forwhomthebelltolls: What does him seeing a call girl before you even got together have to do with your current relationship? If you have intimacy issues and problems with the way he treats you, address that rather than clinging to this call girl thing as the problem. You actually have two big problems, the lack of intimacy and his resentment of being the bread-winner. Are you sure both of you want to be in this relationship?
Post # 11
You know, we are really trying to work this out. He said it was once, I am going to let it go. But for all the women who said no big deal, let your husband say something like that to you while lying in your marriage bed. I find it rather alarming how many people think that sex trafficking is no big deal.
Post # 12
Forwhomthebelltolls: I don’t think anyone is saying the sex trade is not a bad thing. I think what they are saying it is too much time and energy to judge your SO for everything they have done in the past. He particpated in something bad one time.
I can’t judge my FI for everything they did before he was with me. It would take up too much of my time. While the roots of some of our relationship problems lies in his past, I have to work on us as we are now. If my FI told me this, I think it would be a long conversation, but I couldn’t pile everything that I don’t like in our relationship on top of this one experience. Intmacy issues and money problems would have very little to do with this one thing that happened one time.
I highly suggest couples counciling to work down to the root of your problems if you want to save your marriage and your relationship with your child’s father.
Post # 13
Forwhomthebelltolls: All men pay for it one way or another? So he sees you as no better than a common whore in a cat house? Nice. That attitude would concern me almost as much as his paying for sex.
Speaking of which, he’s lying about not paying for it – what call girl doesn’t charge?
Here’s the thing though, if he’s telling the truth that it only happened once and it was well before you, then he doesn’t owe you any apology.
That said, I totally understand that you are shocked, disappointed and disgusted. If he is embarrassed or ashamed, if this was a one off, out of character moment of bad judgement, if your marriage is otherwise happy, then let it go. His decision to visit a call girl then has zero to do with his sex life with you now.
If this is just another revelation that reflects badly on his character and judgement, then that’s different but this one thing in his past shouldn’t consume you.
Post # 14
Well, people view sex and prostitution differently, so there’s no real “right” way to think about this. Do you have a problem with other past sexual encounters? One night stands? So long as he was single at the time, I don’t really see hiring a call girl as much skeevier than a one night stand. Honestly, it’s probably way safer! I am, personally, all for legalizing prostitution throughout the US.
That being said, the lack of intimacy and financial comments concern me more than the past prostitution!
Post # 15
I don’t think anyone here is saying that sex trafficking is no big deal. But that is absolutely NOT the same thing as visiting a brothel near Vegas, which, by the way, is LEGAL.