Post # 1
At this point I have been married for less than 2 months and my husband is already talking about getting a divorce. We dated for 6 1/2 years when we got engaged and got married at 7 1/2 years, so it’s not like we rushed into anything and didn’t get a chance to know each other before we took the plunge. Things weren’t always rainbows and sunshine when we were just dating but out of pure stupidity I thought that getting married and living together would bring us closer together and make us a happier couple. Well apparently I was wrong.
We never lived together before we got married so we both knew that it would be a huge adjustment. We both lived with our parents so we were used to having them do everything for us (especially him). We have always argued and said things that we didn’t mean just to hurt the other but I never thought it would blow up like it has now. In all of the years we dated we never once broke up, so in my mind I always thought that if we could make it through everything that we had been through we could make it through anything and we would be together forever.
In my eyes things had been ok or normal so far, but I could tell things were a lot different between us for the past 3 days. We weren’t talking at all. He used to call me 20 times a day and every time we got off the phone he would tell me he loves me. Now, he only calls to wake me up in the morning and he may or may not say it when we get off the phone. He didn’t tell me goodnight when he went to bed the 2nd night or even want to be tucked in (and that is a HUGE deal) and on the 3rd night he went and slept on the couch. Last night we were sitting at the table and I could tell he wanted to talk. And then he laid it all out. Basically he doesn’t know if this is what he wants but he is terrified of what everyone is going to think of him. His parents and grandparents never got divorced so he doesn’t want to let them down. He doesn’t want my family to hate him. He doesn’t want people to think “wow, they were only married 2 months” and I agree, the humiliation is going to be one of the toughest things to deal with. He said he sees how his married friends interact with their spouses but it’s nothing like us and he wants what they have. How does he know what goes on when they are alone? We are not them, we are us! I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said he didn’t know, so I went to the bedroom and started packing some clothes to leave and that’s when he really broke down and started crying and asked “are you leaving for good?” My response was “Isn’t that what you wanted?” and all he could say is “I don’t know what I want anymore”. He also said that ending it now would be so much simpler than later when there are kids and houses and everything else involved. He is terried of bringing a child into this madness and doesn’t want to put them in the middle of a divorce.
My nerves are so tore up about everything that I have made myself physically sick, I can’t eat, I can’t concentrate on my work, I cry non-stop because I cant stop thinking about everything. I just don’t know what to do or what is going to happen. After we talked (and cried) for hours last night we ended up going to bed together and when he left this morning his kissed me goodbye before he went to work and he told me he loved me. I called him on my way to work and we talked and all he could tell me is “try not to worry about it all day long and get so upset at work” (again, I think he doesn’t want people to know that something’s wrong). Even though he said things would be alright he didn’t tell me he loved me before he hung up so I tried calling him back and he didn’t answer but called me right back. I told him that he didn’t tell me he loved me so he said it but I don’t know if he meant it or just said it because it’s what I wanted to hear.
I don’t know if the way he feels is normal for a young married man that is just realizing that his whole life has changed and is about to change even more. I just know that I cannot imagine my life without him in it and this is really not what I want!
Post # 3
It sounds like you both deeply care for one another, but you’ve lost the romance. The fighting definitely concerns me, but it sounds like this marriage could be saved. I would strongly recommend counseling…the care and friendship is there, which is the foundation.
Please remember this and share it with DH:
“To get divorced because love has died, is like selling your car
because it’s run out of gas.”
Post # 4
@TaterSalad: First off, I’m really very sorry that this is going on. But you guys have to stop worrying what everyone else will think and do what you think is best.
It sounds sort of like you guys have already made up your minds about the fate of this marriage, but I would recommend counseling to see if there’s anything to salvage.
In the end, your families should and probably will be happier that you were sensible enough NOT to bring any other innocent parties (children) into a bad situation, but again, I’d worry about you two before you worry about anyone else.
Post # 5
I think there’s a huge transition period when you movonion together. FI and I have lived totether for a year with my son. We had spats about doing stuff around the house and cooking and cleaning, but it’s normal. I’m so sorry your going through this. 🙁
Post # 6
I agree about the living together transition. My husband and I didn’t know each other nearly as long as you two did, but you have to give life time to adjust. 2 months isn’t nearly long enough. I do hope you’ll both give it more time. I know marriage has been a huge adjustment for both of us. I think he’s just now recognizing that where I’ve been pretty open about my struggles. We actually just starte counseling this week and I really see it will be a great thing for us. My thoughts are with you two.
Post # 7
@Mars62312: That quote! Love it!!
I think that you all need to get away for a weekend and try to remember why you got married in the first place. Another thing that I always do when me and FI are fighting and I just want to give up..watch “Blue Valentine” together. I know, it sounds weird…but trust me. Don’t let the love die in your relationship. And don’t give up!!
Post # 8
Two months? He hasn’t even given the marriage a shot yet! This is why I think EVERYONE should live together before they get married. That’s the only way to know if you can live together, which is a big part of being married. You have to be able to accept the things that each other does and does not do where your cohabitation is concerned. You also will be stuck (for lack of a better word) in that same place together so you will experience everything that goes on on a day-to-day basis with each other, which includes stress. Also, your husband shouldn’t compare y’alls marriage to friends’ marriages. No one marriage is perfect and none are the same. My advice is to have a serious conversation and try to get to the root of what is making him think he may not want to be married. Don’t give up easily and certainly not without a fight if you really want the marriage. Good luck.
Post # 9
After moving in together, there is always a HUGE transition. Although FI & I aren’t married yet, we moved in together the last two years of college and still live together (now we have a house). But the first year we lived together, we fought a lot more than we did before. It was an adjustment. We hardly fight ever now. You specifically mentioned that you both lived with your parents before and they did a lot for you both.. so you made an even bigger transition. I don’t think what you guys are going through is unusual to be honest. You’ve made a huge life change & there’s bound to be some tension while you two sort out your household. Not only are you two adjusting to living with one another, but you’re adjusting to being on your own as well (away from parents). I think that you need to expect to work at your marriage throughout the first year as you two come together as a married couple.
Post # 10
Moving in together is a huge change on top on the responsibilities that come with marriage. I think he is probably feeling overwhelmed which is understandable and trying to find something to pin it on. When my DH and I moved in together (still dating at the time) it was a long adjustment and we definitely had our share of arguments over the stupidest things.
OP I’m so sorry that things are rough. I would suggest finding someone in your area that you both can talk to, together and on a one on one basis. He may just need someone to vent to that isn’t biased and it would probably do you a world of good to do the same. Communication is so important and without it there can’t be love or romance, it just isn’t possible.
Best wishes to you both and I hope to hear updates!
Post # 11
I second what Calybug said.Two months is not long enough to give the marriage a shot. You two are still in transition of getting used to living togther. No marriage is perfect, no matter how it might look to outsiders. Heck, I’ve been married for two years and I think my marriage is pretty darn great–but there are times when my husband is getting on my last nerve and I think, gosh, can’t he go play golf today or pick up some overtime at work or something so I can sit here and watch tv in peace? Sometimes life gets stressful and you have to remember why you picked each other as a partner. My husband and I get dressed up and go on date nights every so often to reconnect. I think counseling may help the two of you as well. Best of luck!
Post # 12
Two months! This is why our divorce rates are so high. Neither of you have even given it a shot or tried to work at it. You don’t just give up because its tough you work through it.
What specifically has went wrong since you got married, is it only the transition of living together? Because there are definitely ways you can work with that. You can sit down and talk about each of your expectations in regards to house duties, how you spend your evenings, etc.
And at least consider counselling. You’ve been together so long and obviously love eachother, that’s a lot to throw away over some difficulties living together for two months.
Post # 13
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
The harsh: I think that you and your husband are now facing the reality that a ring and some vows do not magically fix fundamental problems in a relationship. You sound very young, and I would venture to guess that you both currently lack the skills necessary for a marriage to succeed (e.g. being able to stand on your own 2 feet as self-sufficient individuals, being able to take care of your own ish without parental-type intervention, being able to disagree and calmly resolve things without resorting to drama and low blows, etc.). I know that sounds harsh, but honestly the silent treatment behavior and ideas that marriage would override your pre-existing relationship issues speak volumes.
The hope: Your issues are not dealbreakers quite yet. You two can learn how to work as a team. You can learn how to live on your own, and be responsible to each other and for each other. You can learn communication skills. You can learn how to fight fair. None of these issues are insurmountable, as long as you are both willing to work at them. Get some relationship books, read them together and discuss what you are learning. Go to couples counseling. Talk to your marriage rolemodels and ask them what helps them succeed at being married. Go on a marriage retreat. You have so many options. Don’t give up now.
Post # 14
@TaterSalad: One thing that keeps sticking out in my mind is how quickly you packed your bags. I’m not married yet, but we have lived together for a while. Never let him see you ready to throw in the towel! He shouldn’t think it’s that easy to get out of a MARRIAGE.
Post # 15
@lovekiss: <—- second what she said!