Post # 1
I’m curious about how you ladies have handled the end of previous relationships. What steps did you take? Did you tell your SO you were planning to leave or just leave after everything was in place? How long did it take to fully move on? What helped you cope with the loss, loneliness and hurt? Was it mutual or did one of you end the relationship first? Did you regret the decision to leave or did it feel right? Did you stay in touch with your ex or was it a clean break?
Thanks so much!
Post # 2
bluesparkles: I was dumped by my “first love”. I do not claim that how I dealt with it was healthy, but to be honest, I basically had never been single (had long term relationship all through high school and part of college, then he dumped me with no warning). So I basically became a party girl, I slept around a lot, partied a lot, and eventually when that got boring I sort of toned back down and became myself again (but myself with a lot more life experience). That’s when I met “the one”. My only regret is that I continued to talk to the ex for a long time, which ended up dragging things out and making it much harder. IMO a clean break would have been better for me, but I know that’s easier said than done.
Post # 3
My (now ex) boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue after over 6 years and insisted that I move out that day. I had moved far away from everybody I knew to follow him, so I didn’t really know many people and had to stay in a hotel for two weeks while I found a place. I was devistated, both emotionally and financially after having to sign a lease and furnish an aparement from scratch (all I had was my clothes and personal items) in two weeks. Initially it was supposed to be a “break” (yeah, right), and I did talk to him fairly often for the first couple weeks. But after about 2 months, I decided that this was a forever break and I never spoke to him again. This is what was best, I moved on much more quickly after stopping communication. Honestly, I did start going out to bars and partying, which really helped my self esteem, I even dated someone for a while (a disaster relationship, but a rebound nonetheless). Less than a year after that break up, I met my now FI.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
It really varies. I’ve been the dump-er and the dump-ee. There are exes in my past who I never want to see again, and there are some with whom I’m perfectly friendly towards and willing to grab sushi with on the way through our mutual hometown. The precise formula for moving on isn’t set in stone. Generally for me, I was able to pull myself out of post-relationship doldrums by a) doing something to remind myself how fabulous I was (volunteering, taking a watercolor class, having a girls’ weekend with my close friends) and b) well … wasn’t it Dan Savage who said the only way to cleanse yourself of the grime of a past relationship is to bathe in the spittle of a new man? Expressing yourself in that way doesn’t work for everyone, but whatever it takes to make you feel like you again, and not just the bruised, ragged half of YouAndDude (ever notice how some relationships get that way? You’re not Jenny socially anymore, you’re one-half of JennyAndBruce?) is legit.
One thing: whether you and your ex will end up on amicable terms later or not, a clean break with swift cauterization is usually best in the beginning. It keeps things from dragging out too long. Even if they’re a good enough person and the breakup was mutual enough that you can be friends again in the future, LEAVE THEM ALONE for at least X weeks equivalent to the X number of months you were together. (So you were together 16 months? Don’t talk to, text, facebook stalk, bump into, etc them for at least 16 weeks to allow the wound to close.) That’s my strongest advice. But whatever works for you.
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer's Beach, Grand Cayman
He left me but I was considering leaving too, even though we were unhappy for a while, we had been together over a decade so it was a huge shock and major life adjustment. Honestly what got me through it was just talking to people, I was a little selfish for a while dumping my feelings on all my friends but it really helped. I also went through a bit of a slutty phase for a few months, I just serial dated and hooked up and had no care in the world, it actually taught me a lot about the kind of guy I wanted to be with and what I deserved. I then found my SO about 6 months later and felt ready for a relationship again, I couldn’t be happier now.
Post # 6
My exhusband left a week before our anniversary. Woke up one morning andhe told me he didnt want to be married anymore. A week later my grandfather died on our anniversary. His reaction and lack of support after 8 years together told me he was done so i had to move on.
6 weeks later i let an Aussie sweep me off my feet. 3 months later i mved to Australia. I dont suggest movig across the world for a man but i suggest one of two things:
Let a man sweep you off your feet for a while or
Travrl if you can and go be you somewhere new and exciting!
After the aussie, which lasted 6 months into my move i also had a slutty phase, that never hurts! Lol
Post # 7
I got over two past relationships by going no contact. I don’t recommend hooking up with an ex if there are still feelings there; I did that and it just made the break up even more difficult.
Dating other guys casually helped as well. When my husband and I broke up while we were dating, seeing other men taught me that the grass wasn’t always greener.
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer's Beach, Grand Cayman
Oh another thing…one piece of advice my Grandpa gave me after the split was “don’t fall for the first guy that comes knocking and trust me lots will come knocking” at the time I kind of laughed it off and thought it was cute, but it’s just really great advice. When you are vulnerable you’ll want to attach yourself to someone, anyone who shows you affection, but a lot of slimey guys will try prey on a woman in a vulnerable state. The best thing to remember is you have options and it’s a time to find yourself (as cliche as that sounds). You need to be in a good place before you can give yourself to someone, so just have fun but keep looking out for yourself always.
Post # 9
bluesparkles: he took me to look at rings and then just four months later he told me he wasn’t happy. I was blindsided. I left the house and he made zero attempt to contact me and I stayed at a friends overnight. Next day- I told him I wanted to work on things and he said he didn’t see it changing. We lived together so later that day he told me what I owed him for utilities/cable. I gave him a check for double the amount and told him that would cover this month and that I would be moving out. I still don’t understand how he was surprised by this. he actually was mad that I left and he had no time to find a roommate. not joking. Either way, I knew that after two years he shouldn’t have had those doubts about me and I knew that because he brought this up out of nowhere that I couldn’t trust again. He said some jerk things after we broke up and given everything I had zero desire to act like we were friends. He made attempts to contact me but I politely told him to F off or ignored it. When I left, I was getting out of active duty so I actually moved out of the place we lived together in Maryland, got out of military, moved in with my parents in Ohio, got a new job, moved into my own place in a new city that I didn’t know anyone- all within 3 months. I knew that the decision was right and once I had some distance from him I knew the relationship wasn’t right but given everything else it was a lot to adjust to. what I did that was awesome- I did absolutely everything I wanted to that following year. I started playing in a volleyball league, got in great shape, took singing lessons, went with a friend for a weekend trip to gatlinberg, went to Mardi gras, and took my first cruise. Initially, I met a guy the next month who lived far away that would just text me to tell me I was pretty and that he missed me. I wasn’t ready for anything more so that was perfect. It took me close to a year to date but it was a lot of guys that I wasn’t super interested in. It had nothing to do with having feelings for the ex but it was just guys that I wasn’t super compatible with that I didn’t want to waste time on. Dating definitely gives you an idea of what you want and I agree with peegee: but the way mine is worded is just because the last guy was a 2 dont mistake the next 3 that you meet for a 10.
Post # 10
Depends, I was with my ex for years, I am over any loving feelings for him. If I saw him with another woman I wouldn’t care. Im with my soulmate now and we’re expecting couldn’t be happier. However I am not over the hurt and abuse he did to me, it’s don’t it’s damage on my mental health and is going to take some serious therapy to get it sorted.
Post # 11
bluesparkles: I guess you could say i ended it? I think we both did. We were stuck in this merry go round of negativity. We would argue, i would end up in tears, one would try to leave (but was more of a “oh im leaving, chase me!”) and then it would result in a dramatic make up. There was no more trust, no more patience, no more happiness. I dont know why i tried to keep it going for so long.
After discovering he was still talking to a girl he swore up and down he wasnt anymore, i was pretty over it. I went through his phone and found the proof i needed to FINALLY end it. The sad thing is that even though we werent together it took me a LONG time to actually cut ties with him. I would go through moments where i hated him and then moments where i would wonder why we couldnt just be together and be happy. He tried for months to contact me and sometimes i would give in – i have no excuse other than being lonely and dumb.
It took a lot to get over him. I had to force myself to get out of the house sometimes when all i wanted to do was cry at home. I went out with coworkers I wouldnt have normally went out with. I hit up old friends – just took every opportunity to distract myself and it eventually started working. I had an online dating profile (not eharmony or anything, just a local social media site) and it was fun just to talk to guys. I am not even sure what the final straw was that made me never pick up that phone again. It was long before i met SO. I think i just woke up one day and realized what a loser he was and that he brought nothing postive in my life. He tried to contact me a good 6 months or so before it completely stopped.
Post # 12
One simple step helped me above all: recognizing my worth.
I also pampered myself, and wrote in a little book the pros/cons of that relationship and what I would want to take forward with me, and what things I would wish to leave behind.
Post # 13
hanging out with friends, pampering the hell out of yourself, reading motivational books and quotes (i LOVE osho’s meditations), working out, trying something new. it takes time to really learn to be alone again and be happy to be alone, but it’s worth it because broken or ended relationships are done for a reason, at least that’s how i see it. and after i loved myself for two more years and was single in that time, i met my amazing fiance. 🙂 i think life has a wonderful, cosmic, karma-ish way of working out. oh, and i was awesome and such a good gf to my ex but he cheated on me twice so i feel like this is the way the universe is repaying me back haha 😛
Post # 14
omg and journaling! i journaled almost every day for an entire year. it really helped put things in perspective.
Post # 15
DEFINITELY NO CONTACT whasoever. you need time to heal. you need alone time.