Post # 1
Recently my DH and I found out that our pregnancy was ectopic. After trying for 12+ months and 2 IUI’s, this news was particularly devastating (although all loss is devastating…). I’ve had a few amazing tips on dealing with the loss and I’d like to hear more. What worked, what didn’t and what would you do differently?
So far I…
1. Am taking time off work. I work in law enforcement which means dealing with difficult people day after day. The thought of getting into a fight or having to deal with a tough person is giving me anxiety, not to mention all the curious coworkers, on advice of a friend (who had a horrible 13 week loss), she suggested to take time off work.
2. Am allowing myself to feel….sad, happy, hungry, tired….I’m not forcing myself to “buck up”
Any tips or suggestions?
Post # 3
I have not experienced a loss, and am sorry that your gpong through this. But my advice to help heal the pain is to acknowledge it and not to try to be “okay”. let yourself mourn as long as you need, but also lean on ypur hubby, family and friends for support- don’t do this alone!
Post # 4
First let me say that I am very sorry for your loss. I also had an ectopic pregnancy last month and I am currently in my 3 month waiting period before resuming TTC. I think the hardest part for me was not being able to tell people what I was going through and for the select few I did tell they had never heard of an ectopic before and so while they were trying to offer words of encouragement, they would say things like “at least you have your health” and “don’t worry, just try again next month”. For those who have experienced an ectopic, we know it’s just not that simple.
Honestly, I’ve had good days and bad days through this journey and i think it is important to allow yourself to have the ups and downs. Just because you feel positive and hopeful one day doesn’t mean you can’t cry about it the next. You will find yourself in social situations with pregnant women/babies etc. and it might be emotionally challenging for a while. Look to your partner to offer you strength during these hard times. This experience will help to strengthen your relationship.
I have found a lot of comfort in message boards specifically dedicated to ectopic pregnancy related losses. This one is my favorite:
I read it to allow myself to remain hopeful that this is not the end of my TTC journey, only a bump in the road. I also would like to think that when I do become pregnant again, I will be thankful for every day of those nine months and never take it for granted, even through the not so glamorous days of morning sickness, heartburn, etc.
Take care of yourself and PM me if you need to talk, vent, ask questions, etc.
Post # 5
So sorry to hear about your loss. 🙁
I only took one day off of work, the day after we found out there was no heartbeat. It was all my boss could really manage. Work was hard as one of my main coworkers was pregnant about 6 weeks ahead of me, so I got to watch her belly grow while mine didn’t. It sucked.
I cried whenever I damn well felt like it. We had a sort of code that whenever I would ask my husband to “tuck me in” (I go to bed a few hours before he does) that basically meant for him to come hold me while I sobbed myself to sleep. I also found a lot of comfort here in the Bee.
After a couple months, I ordered two tiny stackable rings from Etsy with a quote stamped on the inside “no power in the verse can stop me” from the show Firefly and what would have been my baby’s due date. I wanted a little token to both remind me of my loss and to remind me that I am strong enough to get through it. I love that my little message is on the inside, just for me, so when anyone else looks they are just two pretty silver rings.
Post # 6
So sorry to hear of your loss. Hugs! There is hope, though. My best friend suffered a devastating and nearly fatal ectopic last December, and she just gave birth to a healthy birth last week. I hope you have the same kind of experience. xo
Post # 7
@graygodess20: Thank you 🙂
@MrsMarie: I am so sorry for your loss. I agree, many people do not really understand what ectopic pregnancy means, even I am still learning. I am going to look at that message board you posted and thank you for the advice. I am so thankful to have the women on here for information and support. I’m guessing you are in the 3 month wait because of the methotrexate shot?
@BRbee: Oh my goodness, I cannot believe you went right back to work! You are so strong, I could NOT do that at this point. I also really like your ring idea. I’ve struggled with the concept of “did my pregnancy actually matter?” because I found out in week 6 that the pregnancy was not viable and was ectopic. That’s something that I have really been struggling with.
@lovelyrose: Thank you 🙂 I love hearing those successful stories, they are my inspiration right now 🙂
Post # 8
@med700: I’m so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how tough an ectopic is and especially when the baby is soo so wanted.. I’m going through something similaRish..I went for my third scan at 10 weeks and found that there was no heart beat. It’s been exactly one week since that day.
How I’ve dealt with it.
1. I took time off work too. I’m actually not back until Monday. Tbh I couldnt imagine being in work. I’m still getting awful cramps that ibprofen doesn’t put a dent in! Also, I couldn’timagine focusinG so it’s good I’m off.
2. Spending time with the right people!! Family or friends who understand or at least who empathise. I spent yesterday with a heavily pregnant friend. She’s overcome so much to get to this point. Seeing her makes it all worthwhile for me.
3. I really like this one about allowing yourself to ‘feel’!!! I couldn’t put words on it but yeah I don’t want to force myself to ‘buck up’. I have gotten comments about moving on and it’sannoyed me. I feel like I should be allowed to move On in my own time!
4. Talking constantly to DH about everything, including my ‘awful’ feelings ie the feelings you should never say- the guilty, angry and downright mean feelings!! It’s good to get them out there.
5. Discussing ways to remember the LO. Very tough but worth it.
6. We are going to counselling this weekend.
7. I am looking forward. I am going to meet with my consultant about getting pregnant again and possible issues that may have prevented me getting pregnant this time. I am also doing acupuncture and am going to work on diet and exercise (haven’t started that one yet!!!)
The best of luck to you. Xxxx
Post # 9
@med700: I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m currently recovering from a D&C after a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. This is our 4th MC in a row after 13 months of trying for our second child. I’ve found the following to be very important in recovery.
– Talk about it – your baby existed and talking about it to someone who is close to you or on boards like this one validates it.
– Cut yourself some slack – don’t go to that party, eat that bucket of ice cream, stay in your pajamas if you feel like it and don’t feel guilty for any of it.
– Don’t google. There is no closure in doing this. All you do by googling is open yourself up to the pain if thousands of others and horrible possibilities you’ll never have imagined.
– Focus on everything and anything but TTC while you are recovering. My mental health NEEDED the time off even though I felt like trying again right away.
– Find quotes that give you hope and put them up somewhere visible where you will see them every day. Whenever I feel myself descending into non-productive victim based grief I use my quotes as a mantra until the vicious thought cycle is broken. I got this idea from cognitive behavioural therapy.
– Hold on to your hope, no matter how hard it is
I wish you all the best during this very difficult time xx
Post # 10
@MrsMarie: My friend (who had her baby today, yay) refused to complain no matter how crap she was feeling. She overcame so much for this child that she welcomed every day of the pregnancy, good or bad. It’s a lovely way to be when others take things for granted.
Post # 11
@phoebephoebo: Thank you for your suggestions and I am so very sorry for your loss. I really liked your suggestions and will be adding them to my coping/healing strategy….especially spending time with people who make you feel better. So many people want to give me advice that is really horrible (“you can just get pregnancy again!”) but there are a few who are just incredible. Best of luck with counselling this weekend, let me know how it goes. Hugs!
@almajele: I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for the idea about NOT going to that party, while it feels selfish, I just can’t bring myself to a Christmas party (that happens to also be my friends “Last Party Before My Baby!” Party….I am so happy for her, I truly do not wish ill on her, I’m just not okay to be around people, let alone pregnancy people…). Thanks also for the suggestion NOT to Google, it makes me sick to my stomach and anxious with worry. Many hugs sent your way.
Post # 12
Sorry to hear of your loss – hugs to you 🙁
I agree with pp – don’t google, reading everyone else’s sad stories just makes me more sad – I know it did with my loss. Talking as much as you need to is what helped me. I truly think that being as honest as you can with yourself and what you are feeling is the key to healing. Best wishes for a healthy sticky baby in the future for you 🙂
Post # 13
I am so sorry for your loss. I think the things that helped most were:
1. Allowing myself to deal with my miscarriage on my own time. A few close family members at one point assumed I should be ok again by a certain point and I wasn’t. I ignored their concerns that it wasn’t normal to still feel upset by the loss and knew that I was still in a healthy place mentally I just needed more time to grieve.
2. I think what helped me most was finding a way to remember the baby. I got a necklace i wear almost every day. A lot of people who have never experienced an early loss such as this don’t fully understand and say things like “at least you know you can get pregnant” or “just try again”. They don’t realize that if you get pregnant with another baby in the future it can not replace the pain and love you will always feel for the child you lost. Each child is unique and can never be replaced.
3. I found the book Coming to Term helpful. If you don’t like sad stories from others I would skip it, but for me it was very important to read stories from other people who felt the way i did and helped to express my emotions. It let me know that is is perfectly natural to feel the way i did about it, and that i was not alone. Since most people don’t talk about this topic in everyday life, it is easy to feel like you are the only person to ever go through this and you start to doubt how well you are handling the situation.
4. I miscarried my first pregnancy, so in addition to the sadness of the loss I also had a lot of fear that perhaps I was unable to carry a baby to term. I found reading stories of other women who had miscarriages and went on to have healthy babies gave me a lot of hope that I would still give birth to children in the future. I ended up getting pregnant again just 2 cycles after I miscarried and I am currently 33 weeks with a baby girl.
I miscarried in march and I still have good days and bad days. Some days I can think about the loss and not fall apart, other times something on tv or a song on the radio will trigger a flood of emotions that just have to come out. Time is the best healer though, when I had first experienced my miscarriage i never thought I would get to a place where I could function again in everyday life or be excited about things like I used to be. However, it does get better. The pain won’t go away completely, but it will get easier to deal with on a day to day basis. I wish you and your husband all the best during this difficult time.
Post # 14
@MrsEagleEye: Thank you so much for sharing your story and how you’ve been able to deal with your loss. I’m so sorry for your loss…
in such a lonely time it is nice to read that others have gotten through their “dark days” and yet found such happiness on the other side. Congrats on your pregnancy and your “soon-to-be” baby girl!
Post # 15
Oh no, I’m so so sorry to hear this news. I’m glad you are taking some time for yourself. It is such a hard thing to go through. All I can say is don’t push yourself to do anything (work, etc) if you’re not ready. Take all the time that you need to rest and heal. Again, I’m so sorry. I’ll be sending positive vibes your way.
Post # 16
@jny1179: Thanks hun. I know you have been through a loss as well and I am hoping you are doing well!