What I would say to a friend if I was a total b#%*h…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

OOh here is mine 

Dear Mum, 

Thank-you for raising me to be the person I am today, I think you did a really good job as I kind of like myself a little bit. When I say that I am going to breastfeed my baby for 6 months because I like the health benefits she will recieve that does not mean that I think you are a bad mother because you didn’t. Please don’t get angry at me everytime one of these scenarios happens. Just because I choose to do somehting with my child that you did not do with me, does not mean I am calling you a bad mother.

Also I would appreciate it if, once again, differences in our child raising philosophies were’nt dealt with by insinuating that I am being “unrealistic” and setting high expectations that I will ultimately fail at. If things don’t work out the way I planned I will probably need to turn to you with those feelings of failure and don’t want to feel as though you are thinking triumphantly of my failures. 

Also, I really don’t want to dress my little girl exclusivley in pink or my little boy exclusively in blue so please stop frowning when I buy white and neutral clothing. 

Love, 

M

Post # 4
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

Not a friend (someone my ex used to date, still carries a flame for him over 4 years later), but I’ll play:

Dear A,

It was nice to see you on july 13th enjoying yourself at the [EVENT].  I had a great time as well, until I was involved in the [UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT].  As I’m sure you can appreciate, it wasn’t my proudest moment, and I was rather embarassed about the whole thing.

We have never been introduced, but I gather you must be a very kind and thoughtful person given the text message you sent my fiance 3 days later telling him he “is a great guy who deserves to be happy. I hope you are happy”.  He was very surprised to recieve such a kind note from you, given you two haven’t spoken in years. In fact, it took us a while to figure out who the message even came from, as your number wasn’t in his phone.

So please find enclosed a picture from our wedding day.  And please note how thoroughly over-the-moon happy he looks.  Even now, weeks later, people keep telling me that they’ve never seen him happier.  I know his happiness is of utmost concern to you from your note, and hope that this will help put your mind at ease.

It was a very special day, and I’m sorry we couldn’t invite you.  But please, feel free to check out more happy pictures of my husband at http://WWW.PHOTOGRAPHER.COM. Click on “proofing” and the password is “FUCKYOU”.

Look forward to seeing you around the club,

 

SS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Dear Asshat driver,

Please stop hitting your brakes for NO EFFING REASON.  Also, try to pick it up to at least 5 miles below the speed limit; this 25 in a 45 shit is killing my commute.  

Get off the phone you idiot douchenozzle.  Drive like a grown-up and not a toddler in a power wheels car.

 

Kthanks,

Dane.

 

PS (If you’re driving like a 90 year old blind man because you’re lost, I’m sorry, and that sucks, but please for the love of all things holy- pull over to the side of the road or all these ragey people stuck behind your dumb ass will mow you down.  Down like a clown, Charlie Brown.)

Post # 6
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

(Note: FI has 3 children from previous marriage)

Dear Ex-Wife:

We were so delighted to learn of your plans to take your/our two daughters and your boyfriend on a trip to Jamaica next spring! Awesome!  And don’t worry that we were planning to take a honeymoon that week! PSHAW!  We’ll just take the son you’re leaving behind with us!  The family that plays together, stays together, right?  We’re just so pleased that you managed to find the funds to do this, considering that just last week you advised that you would be unable to contribute toward the $1500 cost of car insurance for your/our newly-licensed 16-year-old son because you are currently “broke”.   How lucky for you that someone planted a money tree in your yard just when you needed it most!  I’m sure that has nothing to do with the fact that you squirrel away the $2000 in child support you get each month and send the children to us every other weekend with dirty, outgrown clothes and no money for social activities. 

And by the way…did I forget to thank you for scheduling activities @ 5pm for all three children on our custody nights, so I can have the luxury of cooking/warming three sets of meals until the last one comes home at 8:30?  My bad!   How considerate of you to realize that our day is not complete until I do the last dish at 10pm at night while {FI} stays up until 11pm helping with homework.  There is nothing quite as enjoyable as getting schoolwork done when they are all exhausted from the multiple after-school activities you signed them up for when we weren’t looking.  You little minx!  Love how you keep FI and I on our toes!

Oh, and by the way…thanks for telling your/our daughter how fat she is so she has now developed an eating disorder.  We are MUCH looking forward to sending her to therapy when she gets officially diagnosed with anorexia.   You know what I say, “A day with out therapy is like a day without sunshine!”

Hope you are well ~ see you at soccer, swimming, dance, basketball, singing lessons, Girl Scouts, stage crew, acting class and Zumba!

Love,

Future Mrs. FI

Post # 7
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 1993

Dear FFIL (I’m writing this as if it just happened, rather than happening 20 1/2 years ago) —

Thanks so much for telling your son that he shouldn’t marry me because I am fat.  Also, thanks for blaming me for him dropping out of college, even though it was primarily caused by his skinny, petite ex-girlfriend cheating on him with several guys, all of whom are in all of his classes and that he would have to see every day.  Perhaps you don’t see that your son has been starved for love and affection his entire life, and my extra pounds (and excellent cooking skills) provide him a softer landing place than your flinty, dark, home.  And you won’t know all the things that I have done to help him get past the darkest period in his life, while on the other hand you have done everything in your power to make them even worse.  My only consolatio is that perhaps 20 years from now he will be extremely successful, live in a great house, and have a fulfilling and loving family life that will even be more fulfilling because it barely includes you.  But no, that’s hoping for too much….

Except that’s exactly what is going to happen, ASSHOLE!  And I can’t wait til he inherits half of your dough so that we can contribute significant portions of it to the ACLU, NAACP, NOW, and B’nai Brith, you racist, homophobic, sexist jerk. 

Love,

Your FDIL

Post # 8
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Dear everyone I know,

Please stop asking me about my wedding. Did you know I also have a career? Hobbies? Aspirations? I am more than just a “bride.”

But I forgive you, because this is probably how you’re showing you care. It’s just really irritating!

xo,

sj

Post # 9
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

posting to play when I get a minute this afternoon

Post # 10
Member
957 posts
Busy bee

Dear D,

I want you to know that you really hurt me. I wish I could pick up the phone and let you know exactly how you’ve made me feel. We use to be such good friends. Or so I thought. I think back to it now and I was wrong. I feel like I was in denial and thought you wanted this friendship as well. I was always there for you. ALWAYS. I would drop everything to be there for you when you were down. I’d listen to you scream and cry like a 3 year old on the phone because you missed some guy – that you barely knew and had made small talk with only a handful of times! I was there for you when you had an appointment in a sketchy area of town. I was there for pretty much every freaking tear you’ve ever shed, boys, periods, parents, paper cuts. EVERYTHING. And for what? I called you when FI was gone for 3 weeks. I was feeling extremely lonely and thought for once you could be there for me. I told you I needed a friend. What you say? “You should look up an old friend on facebook!” Wow. You did apologize to me about a month later. I never forgave you for it, but you did apologize so I give you that.

You were a bridesmaid for me. Put me through months of hell as I couldn’t contact you. You were always too busy for me. too busy to even respond to a text “Hey! How’s it going?” Yet, Facebook tells me you were going to parties. A word of advice… if you’re going to lie about being busy and not having a social life, don’t respond to public events on facebook. You made me call you, feeling sick to my stomach with nerves, to tell you you couldn’t be in the wedding. What’s your response? “Oh! I was thinking the same thing, that I’m too busy. But I thought you’d contact me about it sooner or later.” Thanks, bitch.

I wanted to keep the friendship, stupid, I know. I guess the last 10 years meant something to me. You never RSVPed or said a word about the shower. Clearly you didn’t care. I wish I didn’t feel so obligated to invite you to the wedding. You don’t get a guest. If you come, I hope it’s awkward. I hope you feel bad that the wedding party is uneven. I hope you feel bad and uncomfortable because we haven’t spoken in 6 months. Most of all though, I just hope you don’t come. I don’t want to see you again. I dont want to put a fake smile on my face and thank you for coming. 

I think your selfish, and a horrible friend. 

Post # 12
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Dear FMIL,

Would you please accept the fact that I am the now the most important person in FI’s life.  Stop trying to exclude me from plans that revolve around MY FI.  Why would you ask everyone else, including his friend who he hasn’t seen in almost a year, what day works best for celebrating FI’s birthday and not me?  And then act all pissed off when that day in no way works for me?  Then you ask me if I would be ok missing it! UM NO, I and FI are not ok with that!!!  Then you say well it’s not your birthday, yeah its not my birthday but it is his birthday and he has outright said he would not go unless I was there.  So no it’s not my birthday but I’m a pretty damn important person to be missing his party.  STOP trying to control his life! It isn’t working, he is in control of his life and he comes to me first before you to make plans because he is no longer your baby,  he is a grown man who is engaged to be married and you need to respect me as his future wife. O AND please stop reffering to my unborn children who are not coming for at least a few years as YOUR babies.  They aren’t here yet! I’m not even close to be being pregnant and when I do get pregnant they are MY babies not yours.  I’m not having kids for you, I am having kids for FI and me.

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