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Who's idea was this BC I would like to punch them in the face haha! My family has absolutely no money to contribute to this wedding and my FI family has plenty but my FI doesn't want to ask his parents for any money BC neither one of his brothers needed to barrow money for their weddings! Me and my FI are trying to contribute as much money as we can BUT WHY is it up to the BRIDES family to make a wedding happen?!?!...annoyed!
Haha I feel your pain! We have to have the uncomfortable conversation with FMIL of "my parents are not footing the bill, they're contributing a set dollar amount which does NOT equal the expectations - therefore two 22 year old college students cannot afford to host all 200 of your closest friends!
I agree! My parents luckily are giving us some $$ and FI's parents are paying for some stuff but I still hate that rule/tradition.
I paid for my first wedding. I'll probablly pay for the second. My parents dont have a lot of money, the bfs have much more. But I feel that WE are the ones who want to get married. And WE are going to be the ones making all the decisions. Therefor WE have to pay. If friends/family choose to donate or help out in some way than that would be sweet but not expected.
I'm sure you will have a great wedding. Dont let the things you cant change stress you out. It's the signifcance of what the wedding is about that means the most. I hope its lovely!
I think that is becoming increasingly less common as more women are marrying later in life (out of their parents' house, making their own money, etc.).
@ trishisadish Well we were planning on paying for the whole thing ourselves like you... UNTIL my mom offered us some money so we decided to have a larger wedding then we originally planned. She put the money in a separate bank account so she wouldn't accidentally spend it WELL we have been arguing lately and she failed to mention that she has been taking little bits out here and there to pay bills without telling me! Just found out today that she has spent 2/3s of what she said we could have. It just pisses me off BC now we were expecting that money and now we have signed contracts and invited WAY too many people now!
The serious answer is that it’s the same group of idiots who legally and socially classified women and girls as property that was bartered away – so the father of the bride paid a dowry to the family of the groom.
Nonseriously though, I hear you. I think the expectation of anyone but the couple themselves paying is silly.
Many (maybe even most?) people pay for their own weddings nowadays, or pay for the wedding in a combination of what families can afford, and what each side wants to contribute (whether that mean the bride’s family or the groom’s family contribute more). In many families, there is no expectation or tradition of the bride’s family paying for any portion of a wedding. There was never any expectation in my family, or in FH’s family, that my parents would be financially responsible for my wedding.
Does your FH’s family expect your family to host the wedding? Have you sat down with your family and his family, and discussed budgets and expectations? Has anyone offered to help - either by writing checks, or paying for certain vendors? You could always ask your FH's parents to pay for a certain vendor in lieu of a wedding gift?
I completely agree with you! I think it all started as some kind of social climb of status for the father to present his daughter to the person that would not only be able to provide her best, but also to make good relations with joining families, kind of like familial ties or what have you not. Basically how they would consider it is the wedding is for show. From what I can see, the wedding is paid for by the bride's family, and the honeymoon and rings are paid for by the groom. I don't like this tradition, and that is exactly why we aren't going with it. We want to do everything ourselves, from start to finish. That way we get exactly what we want.
It may be the tradition but it's very outdated and nobody follows it anymore.
The boy and I are paying for most of our wedding ourselves. His parents are contributing a bit but my mother can't afford to contribute much so she's only buying my dress.
Totally with you. It takes some time for even the most antiquated traditions to disappear. I think if the bride is under 30 or so, it is still assumed that the bride's parents will pay for most, if not all, of the costs.
FI and I are in a different situation. My parents aren't contributing anything. We are paying for some, but FI's family is paying the majority of the costs... this is in large part b/c FI has a very large extended family... we sort of either had to elope with immediate family or have a 150 person wedding.
But its frustrating... even the sample wedding invitations assume the bride's family is hosting the wedding.
Actually in the Vietnamese culture the groom's family pays for the wedding. But the bride's family pays for the engagement. And the engagement ceremony is a big deal in our culture too. But lately in our culture people are straying away where the couple does most of the paying.
I think it's up to the bride and groom to make the wedding happen. Money from parentals is extra (and nice, if it doesn't come with strings), but you can make it work.
If your FI doesn't want to ask his parents for help simply because his brothers didn't need help, I think that's silly. You are not his brothers' wives and your families are not the same. If he's ok asking for money, he can still ask.
We are paying for more than half of our wedding, and the groom's dad is paying for about 1/3. My family only contributed a couple grand. I think you should try thinking outside the box and explain to your future inlaws that since a marriage is about the merging of families and the teamwork that goes with it, you will need their help in making this wedding happen!
Yes it frustrating BC its mostly my FI family that is the majority of the guest list. My family lives all over the country so only select few that can afford to fly will be coming (maybe 15 people) the rest is fi family and friends of family and then there is our mutual friends. What gets me is the FI parents can insist on so many of their friends and way far extended family to be invited but not help with costs. Right now our list is around 150 guests and only about 20 of them are my side!
they can't REALLY insist on very distant extended family and friends be invited
Simply tell them you can afford X # of people and that the majority of the guest list is theirs but you'd rahter the wedding be close family and friends and cannot afford THEIR friends and distant family.
my MIL handed me a guest list of 85 people for that side of the family. I had 5 family members on my side and about 30 friends total between Dh and I. We had 125 ppl at our wedding.
It depends on the guest list I think. If any of the parents (bride's or groom's) expect to have certain people invited to the wedding, then they should be willing to contribute to cover the costs of those guests.
I don't know but if you find out can you let my parents know, and they would like to take a swing at 'em. haha.
on both sides, we were the last to get married, so there was already a precedent...my sister got married 10 years before us, so my family gave us a little more (inflation) and his family planned the rehearsal dinner (w/o any input from us) but did not contribute to the ceremony..of the "day of" costs, my parents paid 40%, and we saved for the rest....honestly, it would've been really hard w/o their help, as our budget still was not HUGE, and we still did a lot of DIY...but it was also our choice to only have a 6 mos. engagement, so the saving up was harder!
To be honest, we did have a little bit that we did not save up for...bc we had to dip into the wedding fund for some major car repair, but luckily my CC gave us 0% interest for our wedding month, and we paid if off the month after the wedding, phew!
Yeah, that tradition is so old but like a lot of the girls have said---I don't think it's followed entirely anymore. My sister got married two years ago and my parents had X amount of money they were able to contribute, her FMIL made the cake and provided some decor she already had since she does cakes now and then for weddings and when they ran out of money my sister and her husband paid for the DJ, beer and a few other small things. Two years later I'm getting married, getting the same amount of money but the price difference in just two years was enough that we didn't have enough money! HAHA Freakin' economy. It's fine though because my FI and I are in a position to contribute just as much as my parents did so I can afford the big hitters (catering, photo, venue) and not worry too much. When my mom found out I was going to use the same photographer but her pricing was up from 2008 my mom was surprised, haha, I was not.
If your FI's family wants to invite so many people then they are going to need to help out with expenses---that my opinion though. My FI doesn't have a large family at all--like under 10 even with extended family(!)--while I have more like 45 or 50. We are inviting a few more of his parent's friends because we can though.
Maybe it's a southern thing, but where I'm from that tradition is pretty much followed to a tee especially at all the weddings I have been to..which SUCKS! my parents have three daughters, so it's especially hard.
Thank God this one was thrown out here years ago. We threw out the open bar too, and I'm equally relieved about that one! Hahaha!
Yeah we're paying for it all ourselves. His family don't have it to give, my dad said he'd give us something towards it, but given his notions about the cost of things (inflation never happened for my poppa) that will be more in the nature of a gesture.
I have to say, if I come to one day be in a position to help any of my future sons or daughters pay for their weddings, I would simply hand over a cheque of what I could afford to give. I've been so saddened by so many posts here, by girls really upset by money donors taking control.
There's a lot to be said for doing it all yourself. I'll have whoa, nelly! colourful shoes, and not a body is entitled to say a word about them.
I hear ya... we invited like 200 people & only around 20 were people that were my good friends & family. Everyone else were my husband's family & people he knew. & we had to pay for it, only my husband didn't have a job so it was just me paying for it. However, his family helped out with some things, which really helped & my mom gave me money here & there which helped greatly too. We had a really simple wedding & we absolutely loved it!
So yea I understand its tough. I'd just talk with your FI & say "We have this much money, so we can invite 50 (or whatever number you feel you can afford) people, so we need to figure out the guest list or cut back in some areas." Usually you'd split the guest list so that you get to invite 25 & he gets to invite 25. Be realistic with him, say its out of date that the bride's famliy pays for the wedding & say your family is helping, but times are tough financially. If his parents aren't going to contribute, or he won't ask them, than you'll have to make the most out of what you have to work with.
haha i know. my parents have paid for half - his parents haven't - no joke - haven't contributed a freakin' dime. and i will be shocked if they even give us anything except a picture frame.
I am Vietnamese and in my culture the groom is suppose to pay for everything, haha!!! It makes sense that if the groom wants to take care of the daughter then he needs to pay for the wedding to prove he can handle taking full responsibility. My FI is Italian but he paid for the whole wedding, not of 100% following my culture but because I am an at-home-mom. We had a very non-traditional wedding so we really didnt follow any rules. But if I had to make a law I would say the groom and his side should pay because its the least he can do, hahaha
AGREED.
gahh FMIL's dad paid for her wedding in full, so in her mind my parents have to pay for everything, but at the same time she didn't like her wedding, so therefore no one should help us pay (i don't know anymore).
regardless it's ridiculous because we're footing most of the bill and yet everyone has their opinions about how things should be (from shoes to bm dresses, etc), and it's like, "if you pay for it you can make suggestions, but you're giving us nothing so shut up" haha.
If the couple is old enough to get married, they are old enough to pay for it themselves. If either set of parents wants to/can afford to help out, that's wonderful. If not, though, the couple can either have a less expensive wedding or wait to get married until they have saved up for a more expensive one.
Then again, I don't understand the tradition under which the engagement is only official if the man buys the woman an expensive ring. And of course, the woman is not expected to reciprocate.
My parents offered and so did fiance's parents (fmil wants to give my parents $50k as dowry) but we wouldn't ever accept money/fiancial help from our retired/semi-retired parents. We're getting married with the money we saved up..
Ugh! I totally feel for you! My fiance's family are paying zero. So they have no say what-so-ever on the wedding - not even a list of their relatives.
The tradition of the bride's family paying is SO ridiculous! I find it laughable to even expect my fiance's family to "take care" of me. I think grooms' families follow tradition if it's "convenient" for them. Tacky and pathetic!
This is one of those things that I just never ever took seriously. Ever since my parents split up, I knew that my mum couldn't possibly contribute at all to my wedding, and my fiance knew that too. Luckily for me, his family are very comfortable, and give generously towards their children's weddings (irrespective of gender), and my fiance has been saving for a number of years, so there was money there for me to have my dream wedding.
If there hadn't been, I was all set to cater a village-hall party myself, and get married in a £75 dress from the highstreet. In fact, I had so imagined that kind of wedding, that it took me a few months to adjust to the idea that I could have the big white wedding that I'd always thought was impossible.
I really think that it's the kind of thing that you can just ignore if you'd prefer to - as everyone has already said, it's a pretty misogynistic tradition anyway.
lol...oh true girl, im so glad u posted this.... i was feeling less that aduquate cause i feel this is brides duty, but my dad recently..lets say...crapped out. now i feel responsible. my fi has told me, calm it girl, we can handle it. i cant help but feel bad,though, im southern... glad to know im being silly and he is being logical. lord, thank u all....
I saw the title of your post and I literally said out loud, "SERIOUSLY!"
My FMIL said to my mom's face that they would not be contributing at all and then in the same breath, handed over a giant invite list.
Thank goodness I have a very classy mom who very politely said the final guest list was up to FI and I...but it still pisses me off!!
LOL. Yeah I feel ya. My FI's family are pastors and obviously, they don't have a lot of money. My parents are the only ones really helping us out at the moment..Which I'm totally grateful for. It's basically they put in half, we put in half. We're on a tight budget as it is, so hopefully it all turns out well.
I thought that expectation was outdated now? We're splitting the wedding three ways (FI and I; my parents; his parents) within a set budget, and then anything beyond that, FI and I will have to pay for. I think this is more than fair!
@BunnyBrideToBe: I thought it was outdated too...but apparently not.
My parents are split, so neither has much money and the FI's parents are deceased so we are paying for everything, I'm glad i don't have a FMIL breathing down my neck and my mom isn't either! No one has handed us a gaint guest list, I'm doing my family and friends so it's only going to be around 40 guest!
But what's weird my sister, my MOH is the one trying to break by bank, I told my MOH & BM I would buy their dresses because of their finical sitch, one is a stay at home mom traveling from TX and my single BM just lost her job and found out she was prego, so my MOH like finds the most expensive BM dresses and is trying to get me to buy a 2k dress =[ I don't even know how to say IM PAYING step off!
I'm with you! We are paying for our wedding. We don't want our parents to pay for anything. Our wedding is small, only close family members and friends are invited. My family is living down under and we're flying them to Europe for the wedding.
It does suck! My dad was able to contribute a set amount but it wasnt enough considering how big of families both of us have! (and that FMIL would invite lots of unnecessary people like her boss!) SO we had to ask his parents. They were more than willing to help us. It sucks but it is what it is! Tell your FI to suck it up and ASK! You cant help how much money your parents do or do not have!
In my mom's country, the man is supposed to offer livestock in exchange for marrying me. :oP So I'm worth....3 cows or something. LoL.
In the end, we paid for 90% of the wedding, ourselves.
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