(Closed) what idiot started the tradition of the brides family paying for the wedding?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Haha I feel your pain! We have to have the uncomfortable conversation with FMIL of “my parents are not footing the bill, they’re contributing a set dollar amount which does NOT equal the expectations – therefore two 22 year old college students cannot afford to host all 200 of your closest friends!

Post # 4
Member
2111 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree! My parents luckily are giving us some $$ and FI’s parents are paying for some stuff but I still hate that rule/tradition.

Post # 5
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

I paid for my first wedding. I’ll probablly pay for the second. My parents dont have a lot of money, the bfs have much more. But I feel that WE are the ones who want to get married. And WE are going to be the ones making all the decisions. Therefor WE have to pay. If friends/family choose to donate or help out in some way than that would be sweet but not expected.

I’m sure you will have a great wedding. Dont let the things you cant change stress you out. It’s the signifcance of what the wedding is about that means the most. I hope its lovely!

 

Post # 6
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I think that is becoming increasingly less common as more women are marrying later in life (out of their parents’ house, making their own money, etc.).

Post # 8
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

The serious answer is that it’s the same group of idiots who legally and socially classified women and girls as property that was bartered away – so the father of the bride paid a dowry to the family of the groom.

Nonseriously though, I hear you. I think the expectation of anyone but the couple themselves paying is silly.

Many (maybe even most?) people pay for their own weddings nowadays, or pay for the wedding in a combination of what families can afford, and what each side wants to contribute (whether that mean the bride’s family or the groom’s family contribute more). In many families, there is no expectation or tradition of the bride’s family paying for any portion of a wedding. There was never any expectation in my family, or in FH’s family, that my parents would be financially responsible for my wedding.

Does your FH’s family expect your family to host the wedding? Have you sat down with your family and his family, and discussed budgets and expectations? Has anyone offered to help – either by writing checks, or paying for certain vendors? You could always ask your FH’s parents to pay for a certain vendor in lieu of a wedding gift?

Post # 9
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I completely agree with you! I think it all started as some kind of social climb of status for the father to present his daughter to the person that would not only be able to provide her best, but also to make good relations with joining families, kind of like familial ties or what have you not. Basically how they would consider it is the wedding is for show. From what I can see, the wedding is paid for by the bride’s family, and the honeymoon and rings are paid for by the groom. I don’t like this tradition, and that is exactly why we aren’t going with it. We want to do everything ourselves, from start to finish. That way we get exactly what we want.

Post # 10
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

It may be the tradition but it’s very outdated and nobody follows it anymore.

The boy and I are paying for most of our wedding ourselves. His parents are contributing a bit but my mother can’t afford to contribute much so she’s only buying my dress.

Post # 11
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Totally with you.  It takes some time for even the most antiquated traditions to disappear.  I think if the bride is under 30 or so, it is still assumed that the bride’s parents will pay for most, if not all, of the costs.

FI and I are in a different situation.  My parents aren’t contributing anything.  We are paying for some, but FI’s family is paying the majority of the costs… this is in large part b/c FI has a very large extended family… we sort of either had to elope with immediate family or have a 150 person wedding.

But its frustrating… even the sample wedding invitations assume the bride’s family is hosting the wedding.

Post # 12
Member
999 posts
Busy bee

Actually in the Vietnamese culture the groom’s family pays for the wedding. But the bride’s family pays for the engagement. And the engagement ceremony is a big deal in our culture too. But lately in our culture people are straying away where the couple does most of the paying.

Post # 13
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I wanna punch them in the face too!

Post # 14
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it’s up to the bride and groom to make the wedding happen. Money from parentals is extra (and nice, if it doesn’t come with strings), but you can make it work.

If your FI doesn’t want to ask his parents for help simply because his brothers didn’t need help, I think that’s silly. You are not his brothers’ wives and your families are not the same. If he’s ok asking for money, he can still ask.

Post # 15
Member
10369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

We are paying for more than half of our wedding, and the groom’s dad is paying for about 1/3. My family only contributed a couple grand. I think you should try thinking outside the box and explain to your future inlaws that since a marriage is about the merging of families and the teamwork that goes with it, you will need their help in making this wedding happen!

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