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i mean, honestly, you can go into it saying you promise you'll never get divorced, but i'm sure a lot of divorced people have said that to each other too.
power to you for talking it through and being realistic, though!
Good for you.
That's the committment we've made as well. I can't imagine going into marriage with any other mindset.
I won't say that in the face of a psychotic breakdown where he cheats on me and beats me that I wouldn't escape, but I refuse to run from even unfixable problems. We're in it for the long haul.
to me when you get married the 1st time and take those vows you ARE making that commitment that divorce is not an option... no offense to others who have 2nd and 3rd marriages but im with beyonce on this one.. "not even death can make us part"
I have been married previously but only left b/c I was in an abusive marriage, and left with concern for my son...
Abuse and Infidelity are my only grounds for divorce, but believe that with God infidelity CAN be worked through and divorce isn't the only option. =)
My DH and I both have the same biblical beliefs and believe that marriage is not a "commitment" but a covenant! Till Death Do Us Part..... =)
Yes and I do want to add especially for the younger brides do not stay with an abusive man even because of your committment, or your kids or anything like that. My ex is insane. Not like a party comment insane but diagnosed with a severe personality disorder and is still a threat to me and to our children that he has disowned.
But fortunately abuse and insanity are rare. For most women the crap and crud of married life involve finances, infidelity and often just the drudgery of day in and day out. Marriage is not always fun and special. So let me at a caveat about personal risk. If he hits you, verbally abuses you any of that then you need to get out soon as possible - it is not normal and not healthy but mostly not safe.
"to me when you get married the 1st time and take those vows you ARE making that commitment that divorce is not an option... no offense to others who have 2nd and 3rd marriages but im with beyonce on this one.. "not even death can make us part""
I don't think you can talk on this subject until you've been through it.
This will be my 2nd marriage.
My 1st marriage, my ex-husband ended up to be a habitual liar and cheater. He wasn't like that when we got married, but we moved, he got a new set of friends, and ended up being a stranger to me by the time we got divorced. He kept cheating and lying, I kept forgiving and trying to make it work. It destroyed my self-esteem and sense of self-worth, I was so depressed I would go months at a time living on saltine crackers and water. I couldn't sleep at night, but all day I just wanted to go to bed and escape reality. And I was also worried what STDs he was potentially bringing home to me.
Staying in that marriage for the rest of my life would have destroyed me. I tried for 2 years to make it work; but when it was affecting my physical health I knew I couldn't do it anymore.
I find it very offensive that you would think just because someone gets divorced means they are not committed to marriage. I don't think divorce should be entered into willy-nilly, but in some cases, it is the appropriate route.
I do not like divorce. And I never want to get divorced from my FI after we get married. But in some cases it's necessary.
I think it's great that you both are able to make that commitment.
I think divorce is not to be taken lightly and if something ever happens, I will not resort to divorce as a first option. I think after all the ways of trying to resolve our issue has been exhausted then maybe divorce might be the next step.
I personally couldn't agree to not having divorce an option. I think that me and my DH will be together forever. I'm just afraid that if one of us agrees to something like this, it may cause one of us to take our relationship for granted. Not that I would and not that my DH wouldn't. But what if something goes wrong 10-20 years down the road and my husband cheats on me. But continues to cheat because he knows we already decided divorce is not an option. That's what I think is tricky. I just know that I will not be used like that. I hope to god, that I never have to consider divorce but I don't know.
I know of some friends who clearly had to resort to getting a divorce, not because they didn't try but because one fell out of love and there was no signs of her partner coming back and the partner wanted to move on with the other women.
Saying divorce is not an option, to me, is saying-- you can do anything and I will never leave you. That's not true. I trust my husband to act in our best interests and not break my trust, but I'm too much of a realist (or a cynic) to say that i know for 100% sure he'll never change. I commit to try to work through any problem that may arise, but if he cheated on me or ever abused me I'd be gone so fast his head would spin. It doesn't seem like giving up to me, it seems like self respect.
Uh...
Who can ever go into a marriage saying "No matter what, we'll never get a divorce"?
That's obviously the hope, but if my DH cheated? Stole from my family? Abused me or our daughter? I'd be gone faster than you can say "Lawyer."
Some advice, things that are put up on such a pedestal sometimes have a nasty way of crashing down.
I agree with @CorgiTales: and @abbyful:. I doubt most people enter their marriages thinking, gee, let's give this a try and see if it works or not. But unfortunately, no matter how well you think you know someone, stuff happens. For example, abuse is unacceptable, and no amount of counseling or commitment is going to change my opinion of that.
@CorgiTales: I agree.
Although there is value to the mentality of "we are getting through this together no matter what" swearing off divorce makes it sound like you are going to put up with anything. Reminds me of a wedding I was at last weekend where the bride vowed to be devoted to her husband, even when he didn't deserve it. I looked at my FI and told him I was only going to be devoted to his ass as long as he deserved it. Sorry that's not more optimistic, but I think it is more realistic. Besides I think people are more likely to work on their marriage and not take things for granted if they know it's not a guaranteed thing.
My story is very similar to yours. My new husband (also divorced) and I have made the agreement that "divorce is not an option". That was agreed upon at home in addition to the vows we said at our wedding. What's funny is that the first time I married I totally meant what I said when I made my vows and tried to honor them for 15 years! The problem was that my ex didn't mean it when he made the vows. It is impossible to make things work when you and your spouse are on two different pages. Now, with age and hopefully some wisdom too, I've selected a better mate. The biggest difference with me this time is that we have the same spiritual beliefs and goals. We're working toward the same thing. But, the PP are right. Saying those vows is making that commitment. However it has been my experience that some people mean it when they say it, and some people don't.
i guess i will never know until i go through it myself--as some as these ladies have shared. life throws curve balls, that's for sure.
DH and I went into our marriage commited to working through problems and going through life together. We both made it clear that our vows were absolutely THE central part of our wedding, but we also made it clear to each other that we each considered abuse and infidelity as breaking that vow.
So, yeah, if he cheated, I would find it really difficult to work through it... I would try, but honestly I really think that's a deal breaker. Same with abuse. If he ever hurt me or our kids, I would be out, at least to get protection, then maybe we'd talk... it would really depend.
I'm a realist. People cheat. I really don't think DH would... but stuff happens. I made my vows believing he won't, but knowing there's always a possibility that he could.
I could never rule out divorce as an option. It's not one that I WANT to happen.. but being real, life is unpredictable and people change. I love FI more than anything in this world, but I can guarantee you if he became abusive or a cheater, I would leave. Those are two things that I will not stand for.. I've had both in my life before and I will never have them in my life again. I know some people resort to the counseling route, and I would definitely suggest it to him.. but our relationship would be done. If there's one thing I've learned from experiencing a habitual cheater and an abusive BF, it's that once I've been violated in either way, things are never the same anymore. The relationship would be over. I can't live my life with someone I can't trust.
Now, at this point in our lives, I would never believe that he would ever do anything to hurt me... but I've seen too much in my life to say with 100% confidence that it will NEVER happen in the future. I guess I'm a little cynical.
OP, for what it's worth, I understand what you're trying to say. We ALL go into our marriages saying we don't plan on divorce, but I think what you were trying to say here is that since you have effectively removed that "out", you and your DH are that much more committed to having open lines of communication, compromising, and agreeing to be more flexible on certain things this time around that you might not have been last time. You're just saying you two are willing to put THAT MUCH more effort into this marriage because you know better this time around how much that extra effort can actually contribute to the marriage.
I really like that you had the courage to start this post. My fiance and I are going through a marriage preparatory and we had this conversation out loud with each other. My fiance and I had been married before and even in our first marriages, we were totally against divorce.
With me, I stayed married even when my ex-husband disappeared without a trace. It wasn't until I was getting bills for internet loans that were taken out in my name that I really realized that I wasn't being realistic. His shenanigans were threatening my ability to take care of our children because of what he was doing to my credit. So it took awhile but I was able to divorce him in abstensia. (His mother signed for the divorce papers and after all this time, I still don't know where he is)
My fiance's first wife developed a drug problem that rapidly became expensive and not only did she cheat, but she got pregnant by one of the men she was cheating with. She became a danger to their child and my fiance got out.
Our conversations when were are upset are not "do we want to fix this?" it's "how are we going to fix this".
Sorry it's so long, but having been on both sides, it's something that I really take to heart and for all of you have the courage to married again, Many blessings and best wishes!!!
I think I come to this subject a bit differently - I'm a therapist. I do a lot of couple's work. When both people are working their butts off to save/fix/help/deal with their marriage than their marriage is more likely to survive. But when only 1 person wants to save it? And the other person has no intention of saving/fixing/helping/dealing with it? Then divorce becomes an option.
For all of my almost married bliss, I don't know what it feels like to have school aged children and a husband who has been screwing around on me for weeks/months/years. I would like to think I'd be committed to working on it, but if FI came to me years down the road and said he had been having an affair for a loooong time...well, I haven't been there.
I think we also need to think about divorce that happens through no fault - meaning couples who lose a child are statistically more likely to divorce, couples who go through a hugely traumitic experience (house fires, tornados, etc) are more likely to divorce b/c of the ensuing traumas (moving, insurance company stuff, etc.).
Like a pp said - life sure does throw you curve balls. I would like to think FI and I have the skills to handle those curve balls, but stuff happens.
I'm just kind of curious about those that voted there are no "deal breakers".....what if your husband was physically abusive to you and/or kids, or molested your kids or is a sociopath,etc.? That wouldn't be grounds for divorce?
I'm not trying to be an ass, I'm just kind of surprised so many people repsonded with such a black/white ideology about marriage.
I would say that there are things that would end the marriage - abuse, blatant disrespect, disagreement on core values including children - but that's why I wouldn't enter into a marriage without knowing those things were out of the question. I'm not saying every day will be a great day, or that neither of us will ever entertain thoughts of leaving, but we are committing to work through these things and make sure our relationship lasts. The whole "if it doesn't work out, you can always get divorced" is not part of either of our mindsets, so I would say it IS off the table for us. At least as much as it can be.
@Birdie Love: I don't think you're being an @$$. I really didn't think of that way when I first answered the poll. I tend to be overly cautious about people so I would hope that I caught an inclination that something was not right and not marry that person from the beginning. That being said, I suppose in the most extreme circumstances (like the ones you listed) it would absolutely have to be on the table.
My FI and I have already said that divorce is not an option. There will be tough times I'm sure... but we've learned from our parents and other role models to work through this. I think deciding that divorce is not an option at the beginning, may make it "easier" in the future to think of hard times in terms of working through it instead of giving up. I don't claim to know about divorce or have ever experienced it. So there is no way to know in the future... and I'm not going to tell other people they're wrong for getting divorced. It's just y FI and I's decision in the beginning to say that divorce is not an option. We know (due to religious reasons) what options are suitable (in our relationship) for divorce. That would be cheating (and even then we don't have to divorce... but who knows what I would do in that situation) and abuse!
My FI and I are very committed to each other and our life together but there are definitely things/situations that would end in divorce for us. Neither of us would stay with someone who cheated, was abusive, a drug addict ect...But anything outside of those drastic situations we are committed to work through and continue our marriage.
I will take my vows seriously and I promise to fulfill by end and if I do not, or he does not then we will divorce. Of course the normal course of action (talks, counselling) will happen before the final decision but divorce is 100% always an option for me. If you fail to live up to your end of the bargain, I'm gone.
I am in two minds about this. I mean, obviously I want a happy and long marriage with FI untill the day we die (morbid!) but things happen and sometimes divorce has to occur. Simply making a 'pact' to say divorce is not an option doesn't hold alot of weight considering you are on your second marriage (I dont want to sound mean but I am stating a fact). I just think all we can do is try and fulfill our roles as wives the best we can and put 110% into our relationship and expect that our husbands do the same.
We all hope to have a good marriage but sometimes things can happen that we didn't expect- I would prefer to be divorced then in an unhappy marriage.
Good luck to you and your FI, I hope you have a long and happy marriage together :)
I have to agree with those who can't honestly and realistically say that divorce would never be an option. I will say that my husband and I are committed to work through common problems (money, kids, sex) without divorce. And I can honestly say that if my husband remains the wonderful man he is today (and I don't morph into a raging drug addict, serial cheater, etc), there will never be a need to divorce. But I can't use a crystal ball and see the future.
@ohheavenlyday:Bingo - you got it
The whole point of this post is have you sat down and discussed what if any are your deal breakers. I have been friends with my FI for 13 years and we have been partners for over 6 and know each other good and bad. No he will not abuse me and I am satisfied this time around that I have not picked a mentally ill person.
But there will come the times that marriage is challenged. We have talked about infidelity, lying and what happens if we fall out of love or get bored or tired. What will we do how will we handle it. So have you set down rules and guidelines? Have you talked about boundaries and beliefs. It is so easy to be caught up in love and trust that you ignore the darker side of what happens over a lifetime.
Some of this wisdom comes with age and since this is my second go round I wanted to share these thoughts with you. I hope that all of the first time brides have the sense to think through this and it will raise your chance of success in the marriage.
I voted other - I just don't think that in a society where divorce is (fortunately, imo) legal and available, saying that divorce isn't an option really changes things. I think almost everyone goes into marriage thinking that they won't get divorced except in cases of infidelity, violence, etc. and that saying so is more of a semantic argument than a change in perspective.
ETA - I do think that you've raised a good point, though, of the importance of laying out beforehand what the few conditions are that would put divorce on the table.
I'm a historian, and I work on the history of marriage in a period/area when divorce was not impossible but very very hard to get. Honestly, I wouldn't get married if divorce weren't possible. It is heartbreaking to read the court cases of women who've been abused for years trying to convince a judge that they deserve a divorce and getting turned down, or women being forced to pay the debts of a man who deserted the family years ago, or whose husbands have been giving all their family's money to his mistress for years. Obviously I think that I know that my husband won't do any of these things - but I am not omniscient. People change, or turn out to be very very good at hiding their true nature.
I guess i just want to point out that there's a massive difference between divorce actually not being possible, and divorce being reserved for certain extreme scenarios.
While agree that divorce should not be the first option.....i have to say that it will be one. Most things can be worked through if both parties are willing to put forth the effort, but we live in the real world and there are some deal breakers. Are you willing to deal with abuse? Or what if you find out your spouse is a rapist, murderer or child molester?
I think you have the right idea, but you also have to be realistic....divorce will still be an option even if it is the very last recourse.
In some faiths, Judaism being one of them, divorce can literally be a blessing. I think that marriage is a great institution for creating a stable family framework, but do not believe that making it an indestructible institution does anybody any good. It is not the only right way....I think the way that brings everyone in a family the most peace and happiness is the best way. And sometimes, that means breaking up!
@Amaryllis: Exactly. I must say that I've always found the statement of "divorce is not an option" unrealistic and incredibly naive. I have been with my SO longer than most bee's on here. We have been through the fire and faced many tests. And yet we are still standing, because we both choose to make it work. And its been difficult at many points. But you best believe there are non-negotiables, if presented in future, I/we have no problem heading to a divorce court, if all other options have been exhausted. If folks want to believe in pixie dust, unicorn world of no divorce, more power to them. But here on planet earth, shit happens.
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This is a second marriage for both FI and I. We were both married for long term marriages and have a long complicated history. We have worked through that though and are happily getting married.
Today we had a great talk. This summer my FI will need to go back to Memphis and spend 4-6 weeks working remotely so that he can see his children. There are some aspects of this that make me uncomfortable but it is the right thing to do and in the best interest of the children.
I do not think anything dramatic or terrible is going to happen but it opened up an interesting line of conversation today. We are going to go into this marriage with eyes wide open of all the crud and crap that can happen and with the agreement that divorce is not an option for us. We have taken that choice away.
So better, worse, richer, poorer, sickness and in health we will work through our life and our problems. There is no going back only going forward.
So a challenge to you hive. Are you willing to have that talk and make that committment?