Post # 1
I’m getting married in August to the most amazing man and I am so excited! However we have decided that after the wedding we will merge all finances/accounts.
Currently we live together in a gorgeous 4 bedroom house and Fiance pays the mortgage and all bills associated with the home (electric, cable, garbage, lawn care etc). Whenever we go anywhere from out to dinner to grabbing coffee to clothes shopping together he pays for everything.
I currently pay for my own car payment, my student loan, all of our groceries and all of my own personal expenses (nails, clothes I buy when I’m shopping w out FI) and I also pay for everything regarding “our” dog because he was my dog before we even met.
We have a joint savings account right now that is our “wedding fund” and in there is all money from my parents and his parents that we have been gifted for the wedding. After the wedding we will be adding a checking account and getting debit cards and we will be using that account to pay for all of our expense listed above that we currently pay for on our own. We will both have our pay checks direct deposited into this account. Fiance will be physically paying all the bills/writing the checks. He is a better budgeter and wants to have a handle on exactly where the money is going each month so after the wedding when its time to pay my car payment instead of me doing it from my personal account I will hand him the bill and he will pay from our joint account. This is where my worry comes in… I am NOT a budgeter and I love clothes etc. I have a ridiculous closet filled with many sparkly/expensive things. I LOVE shopping. I shop every week and probably spend too much money on material things. With that said I also make an excellent living and save money every month and all of my bills are paid in full every month, I have never been delinquent on any type of financial responsibility and in addition to our wedding fund I have a personal savings account with more than a years salary saved up. Fiance makes over 4 times what I make so he can easily “afford” me but he is much more into saving and looking towards the future than I am. Which is a GOOD thing, we balance eachother out. He would much rather I not buy that new purse and instead save that money for a pool or a sprinkler system or a baby 🙂
He doesn’t think we should keep separate accounts after the wedding and everything should be “ours”. I do agree with this I just don’t want to questioned every time a charge comes up for a couple hundred dollars at Nordstrom or Ann Taylor. Should I keep a “secret” account? (My mom has always advised me to do this)
I should add that I cannot totally cancel my personal accounts at my other bank because I own investment rental properties across town with my brother and manage the finances for those properties through my current personal account so need to keep that account open at least.
I have asked him to give me a budget on what I could reasonably spend on “fun” stuff each month and our thoughts on the amounts differed greatly.
Post # 3
Asking for a budget is a step in the right direction I think. You both need to be clear on acceptable spending policies. Mr. Vanity is a saver as well. We have separate finances, a joint account, and separate other misc accounts. We have no plans to merge finances, but he still knows about how much I spend shopping and all that stuff. Just this morning we were both saying how we needed to go shopping, and then he says but we need to think about all the stuff we need for our new house. Total buzz kill. But you what? He’s right, as if your Fiance.
I totally recommend having a “secret” account, but not so you can your shopping habits a secret. I have a “secret” account. Not a complete secret, Fiance knows it exists, but he doesn’t know how much is in it, he isn’t listed on the account, etc. It’s for emergencies. True emergencies, not “I HAVE TO HAVE THAT PAIR OF CHOO’S” emergencies.
Post # 4
I don’t agree with keeping secret accounts. Separate accounts can be a good idea, but you should keep it fairly equal. That can be your fun money, so you can spend $$ on a purse, and he doesn’t have to know that it was all blown on only 1 purse.
You will have to compromise on the fun money amount though.
Post # 5
I know exactly what you mean! My Fiance and I combined accounts after we got engaged. Now he knows ALL of my spending habits, and he doesn’t like it. Because we’re both on student loans, he thinks it’s very unwise to buy ANY clothes (he wears his clothes until they are threadbare and holey–not joke. You should see his shoes. Ugh). But I’ve gotten him to compromise. I’m starting my career as a teacher so I actually need professional clothes. So before I go shopping, I just tell him what I “need” and how much I’m going to spend. He always says it’s my decision because it’s my money too, but then he gets annoyed if I “over-spend” in his mind. So I just ask him what’s reasonable to him and I negotiate.
To be fair, we both have agreed to spend most of our disposable income on fun activities rather than material belongings (memories last longer than things). So he’s MUCH less stressed when I spend money for plane tickets to visit friends or family. So it’s a balancing act.
That long explanation was to say it’s all a compromise, that’s what marriage is. You may not be able to shop as much as you’d like, but he needs to compromise and accept that you will shop sometimes. I don’t agree with having a secret account. My parents both told me to keep my own account “just in case” but I decided against it. It’s really up to you. I recommend talking to your Fiance about it and being really honest about how much you spend and then justify it to him. If you can legitimately afford it (it sounds like you can), then he should calm down!
Post # 6
I wouldn’t advise hiding anything from him financially, ever. The reason I say this is because one of the reasons I divorced my ex-husband was that he financially betrayed me. Yep, he hid things from me, although I made more money than he did and paid for way more than my share, out of love for him. He took advantage of that and did financial things (spent a lot of money) behind my back. Financial betrayal hurts just as much as any other kind of betrayal. It hurt me as much as if he had cheated on me. I didn’t deserve it; he could have been upfront and honest with me instead. So, don’t start down that rocky road, you may not like where it might lead.
Post # 7
My dad has a secret account, and my mom is non the wiser.
Post # 8
I was going to suggest talking about allotting a budget for some shopping that you both can agree on; looks like you’re on the right track there….marriage is a compromise; you’re joining two separate lives. So, he’s going to have to understand that you would like to have a little fun with your money and you’re going to have to understsand that he wants you both to be responsible with the money, so you’ll need to reign it in a bit.
I wouldn’t recommend a secret account…would you want him lying to you about something? I don’t think it would be a healthy way to start a marriage.
Post # 9
i always remember my Great Grandad talking to my aunts about getting ‘house keeping’ from their partners, to save ‘just in case it was ever needed’
obviously the worlds a different place from when he was groeing up and women generally didnt work etc, but the essence is still valid i think, but only for the emergencies, i would advise keeping a secret account so you can spend extra money on yourself.
Post # 10
@Ballet513: We have a joint household account that goes for everything, house, dates, etc…however, we both have our own ‘fun’ money account…this way we have money we can save or blow on whatever we want without the other really knowing, and this way too I can buy him gifts and he won’t know, lol
Post # 11
I would not be happy if my Darling Husband kept a secret account, and I wouldn’t keep one from him either. I don’t agree with being deceiving in any way in a relationship. I just don’t think anything good ever comes from it. If I were you, I would sit down with your FH and compromise on the issue. It may be harder initially, but I think it will save you a lot of stress/problems down the road.
Post # 12
Definitely don’t do secret accounts! If you really don’t want him to see each and every purchase, get separate “spending money” accounts that you each drop a portion of your money into every month. You both need to compromise on the amount of money that is reasonable. Set up a budget!
Post # 13
@Jamie42003: Do you think it’s a good idea though? Unless someone has a true problem, like a gambling, drug, or shopping addiction I don’t see the need for a secret account.
Post # 14
I don’t think you should keep a secret account but I also don’t think you should join everything all together.
We’re doing an 80/20 split. Meaning we’re combining 80% of our take home income into the same joint account that will fund our bills, dinners, trips, house stuff, gas, etc. The 20% account is for our fun money. If I want to buy a Prada bag or he wants to put a turbo on his Nissan, that’s where the money comes from. We’ll also buy each other’s presents through the 20% so the other doesn’t see the bill 🙂
If you operate like this, you’ll always have your side account to pay for your clothes and shopping – and it’s nice to have a completely separate account in case you need to make a run for it or need an account to fund things he doesn’t have access to.
Post # 15
Keep that extra account but I woudln’t keep it a ‘secret’. Just let your SO know it’s for your own personal emergencies.
Post # 16
I think you guys are on the right track– I would have a discussion (or several) so that you can come to an agreement on each of your spending (ie how much you can spend on clothes per month, how much he can spend on whatever).