Post # 1
A lot of things have changed in my life. I had a falling out with some very good friends whom I’ve known all of my life. My job situation also changed: I got pushed out of my position and into another one, basically got demoted. Though the pay is the same, the rank and responsibilities are different. My grandfather also just died, and my grandmother is very sick with stomach cancer, the doctor said she will definitley pass away before my wedding, she doesn’t have much time. Therefore, I’ve been very stressed out and feeling down lately. My fiance can’t seem to handle my depression. He complains about my quietness and lack of energy to do the usual stuff we do (like play tennis, watch movies, etc.). He complains that I’ve been crying a lot and that I’ve lost my appetite. He says it’s making him depressed too. This is disappointing because he is being so insensitive and unsupportive of my suffering. I feel like maybe we shouldn’t even be getting married if he will be a jerk every time something bad happens in my life. He was never like this before. Then again, I’ve never had a bunch of tragic things happen to me all at once.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to call off the wedding. We’ve been together for so long and we’ve gotten through a lot of things. Maybe we can get through this?
Then again, I am not feeling confident about entering a marriage with someone who doesn’t support me. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Or am I marrying the wrong person?
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I know it’s a cliched suggestion, but couples’ counseling sounds perfect for the two of you. If you’re dealing with depression (are you seeing someone for yourself? You should be; it will probably help), then as long as you are together, he is also dealing with depression. Perhaps a professional counselor can help him understand what you are going through and what he can either do to help or to not make things worse. If he understands that you are dealing with a temporary down time in your life and sees how you are working to improve and get better, he may be more supportive.
Post # 4
It sounds to me like you have alot on your plate right now! Understandably so, you are feeling the stress and overwhelmed. I second the idea of maybe some couples counseling and I would suggest that you might need to see your family physician for a total physical and make sure physically you are in tip top shape. It is not unheard of for emotional issues (and you’ve had alot going on) to manifest itself in fatigue, loss of interest-and yes, maybe some mild depression. You definitely need a support system-and maybe with FI, it’s not that he doesn’t care or can’t handle it…maybe it’s that guys are wired differently-you know-they want to FIX it, they want to make it better and if he can’t make it better, than maybe the two of you need some help to figure it out.
You’ve definitely got some time before your wedding & that is a good thing-time to start feeling like yourself again, time to get plenty of rest, time to plan without being rushed-
I will also tell you that it is not a good idea to change decisions about your life that you were certain about before (ie: getting married) when you are under periods of stress or diress. Maybe your doctor may recommend even a light anti-depressant for you. I am not a proponent of meds, but if your chemicals are off-seratonin askew or others out of whack, sometimes that will help.
Be kind to yourself and your FI-part of learning how to be a couple is learning how to help each other thru things and no one knows right away-it’s something you have to learn to do together.
Hugs to you sweetie!
Post # 5
Having been through some tough times, I can say that depression often does not garner the compassion or understanding that other illnesses do. People expect you to snap out of it, or fake it because you are “bumming them out.” Or they think you are exaggerating your issues or trying to get their sympathy or attention. Sadly, the only people that understood what I was going through when I was depressed were people who had been there before.
I think therapy for yourself may help. Sometimes it is good to have someone impartial to talk to and vent, and offer suggestions on how to look at things. It can be tough to find someone you feel comfortable with, so don’t give up if you hate the first person you see. Depending on how you are feeling, you may also consider going to a psychiatrist to see if an anti-depressant may be right for you. Drugs are not the be-all/end-all, but if you are in a really bad spot, they can help.
I also think couples therapy can help your FI see what depression (I’m using the term depression loosely to simplify things) is, and that it isn’t something that you can fake your way out of all the time. Without knowing him at all, I don’t think he is unsupportive. I just don’t think he knows how to support you, and how to handle it himself.
Big hugs. You have been through a lot, and continue to go through a lot. You are strong and you will get through it. Anytime you want to vent or talk about whats bothering you, the hive is here to listen.
Post # 6
I meant, in referring to your FI-that guys want to fix things and if they can’t fix things and make it better for you, that they tend to get frustrated-not because he doesn’t love you and doesn’t care, simply because he wants to help, but doesn’t know how.
I hope that makes sense and doesn’t muddle up even more what I was trying to say.
Post # 7
yeah, I second couples counseling. A good counselor can coach you on communicating well, as well as helping YOU through this spell of depression.
If I’m not mistaken, I believe major life tragedy is one of the leading causes of divorce, isn’t it? Or at least conflict within marriage. Maybe seeing how hard it is before getting married can be a good spring board into talking about what ‘for better or for worse’ really means to the two of you, and what commitment has to look like for that to be genuine.
Post # 8
I completely understand where you are coming from. I deal with a very bad depression but unlike you there is no cause for it. I guess I am just psycho and I can tell you right now that unless he has been through it before, it is hard to understand. Understand when you are hurting he is hurting too and he draws back because he doesn’t understand how to help. I second counseling. If you are not getting some sort of help or therapy or medicine maybe it might be good to try and see what you can do to help yourself first. Tell him what he can do to help. I tell my Boy what I need from him and sometimes it is as simple as just taking me to class so I go. I just need a push. For you it might be different. Maybe push the wedding back and first take care of yourself. Wedding planning while dealing with all the stuff you are trying to do might be too much. Thankfully the Boy has been really understanding with me. Taking him to a therapy session with you might help him getting a better idea of what is going on with you emotional. Hope this helps. Hope you feel better. There are good days and depression doesn’t last forever!
Post # 9
I agree with what others have said. Having gone through depression and also being in love with someone who is prone to depression I know how it feels when others aren’t supportive.
I think it’s true that your FI loves you, he just doesn’t understand what’s happening, and he doesn’t know what to do. I think that he’s always been there with you before and has helped you through. Now he doesn’t know how to help you and it scares him. Some people don’t do well with fear, so they go with anger.
Counseling sounds like a great idea for you and for the both of you together. This will help him to understand what you’re going through and how to help.
My FI took me to see his therapist so that I could better understand how to work with his condition, and so that I could learn more about it. It was wonderful. I felt secure with more knowledge about his condition, and I felt like I had more control in my environment since I knew how to help if FI was feeling depressed or anxious.
Post # 10
Thank you ladies. I just spoke to him about it. He does not want to go for couple’s conselling. He doesn’t believe in it. He’s made this known to me for many years, but I just thought I’d try and reason with him. He believes that couple’s counselling is a waste of money, and that a stranger won’t be able to fix our problem for us. Thanks to all of you with kind and encouraging words. You’re all right. I have plenty of time until the wedding. So, I’ve decided to maybe take a trip on my own to deal with things. Maybe going away will help me to figure out if I really want to enter this marriage. Or maybe it will refresh me and come back a stronger person so I won’t be a “burden” to him anymore with my depression. Either way, I hope it brings me the enlightenment I need. I thank you all for your input. xo
Post # 11
Hugs honey i feel your pain My mom died in January and for a Solid 6 months it felt like my FI was an asshole. I put him through hell. But for me it was just the grieiving process I had to get over my mom. Granted Fi really wasnt a but it just seemed like it because nothing oculd make me happy i cried 24/7 I was deppressed. Now where fine i have gotten for the most part over the saddness and crying and am moving on My Fi and I are closer then ever becasue we went throught this couldn’t imagine my life without him and actually as a secret in the wedding Im going to thank him personally for putting up with my crap. I hope the same is true for you. Also men feel like they are causing are pain when we are sad they think it is them. My fi wondered why he couldnt make me happy and I just told him its not him its my mom. Men try to please us so hard and when they cant they kind of give up. Tell him he cant fix the pain he can assist you but you have to heel on your own reasure him he is not causing the pain.