Post # 1
Ok so this is a spin off from a previous thread in the LGBTQ thread about a bee whose sister had a sex change and became her brother..
Anyway as I was reading that thread and the comments about hate and judgement. And I started to wonder how you bees would feel honestly if you found out after getting engaged that your FI used to be a woman…
Post # 3
I can’t see it bothering me. I’m marrying the man FI is now.
Post # 4
I think you need an option for “I would care because he lied to me and I just now found out.” I would be extremely upset and hurt that that secret was kept from me. Especially because it would affect a lot of things in the future like our ability to have children naturally.
Post # 5
I would be upset – not about the gender change, but that he waited so long to tell me. If you’re at a place in your relationship where you’re getting engaged, it’s my opinion that you really should know major stuff like that about each other already. I would feel the same way if I found out, for instance, that the guy I was engaged to had been married before but never mentioned it.
Post # 6
@ CorgiTales – completely agree
Post # 7
you need another poll option. i don’t know how i would feel if i started dating a ftm, but i would be pissed if i didn’t find out until we were engaged. that’s a big secret to keep.
Post # 8
@CorgiTales: I agree 100%. I would care because he didn’t tell me, not because he underwent a sex change. Especially since gender reassignment would mean he and I would not be able to have children. Also, I ma not well versed in the legal aspect, but would a legal marriage still be allowed at that point?
ETA: I’m not sure how I’d deal with that situation in real life though. I love my FI more than anything in the world because of who he is as a person. It really is one of those things where you do not know how you would react until it happens to you.
Post # 9
The only reason it would bother me would be if he still had breasts, a vagina, and was a feminine shape. I am attracted to masculine features and manly men, so I would not be sexually attracted to a feminine man. Also, not being able to naturally have children would be very upsetting to me.
Basically, it’s not the fact that they were born a woman that would bother me, it’s the lack of sexual attraction and inability to reproduce without help.
Oh yea, and keeping that secret from me, their intended life partner.
Post # 10
I’d be a little bothered that he didn’t tell me sooner, but honestly, it wouldn’t make a difference! He’d still be the same person, deep down, even if he used to be a lady. Love does not discriminate in terms of gender; you love the person for who they are, not what is (or used to be) in their pants.
ETA: It probably helps that I don’t want biological children and am not really attracted to the “he-man” type.
Post # 12
totally agree with corgitales; if i was at the point of getting engaged and fi had never told me that, i’d be incredibly hurt that he’d kept that huge part of his history from me. it wouldn’t be the fact that he’d transitioned that would bother me, but i would be upset with that much of a secret for so long in our relationship.
eta: thanks for changing the poll! i already voted though, so just imagine an extra vote for the new category….
Post # 13
I would most likely be upset that we’ve been together so long, and he kept it to himself. It would not affect my decision to marry him whatsoever. I love him for everything he is, was, and will be.
ETA: I would not be any less attracted to him than I am now. Nothing would have changed, I would just know more about his past than I did before.
Post # 14
I’ve seen this the other way more frequently as an advice column type problem – a spouse that after several years of marriage has realized he (usually the husband but it could be the wife) does not identify with his birth gender and wants to transition to being a woman.
Personally, this is one thing that would be a total non-issue for me. I’m a little wibbly on my own personal view of trans as it relates to strengthening the definition of gender roles, but that doesn’t mean I don’t support those who feel like they’re trapped in the wrong body. I’d actually be really excited to try to help a partner through the process of transitioning.
BUT I do realize that one thing that makes it easier for me to accept moving forward is that I’m attracted to and have had relationships with both men and women. I have a lot of nontraditional attitudes on gender to begin with. I can see feeling a little betrayed if someone was keeping this from me, but at the same time from the transgender people I’ve known that it can and often does take a long time to come to the realization of exactly what’s going on in one’s own mind let alone being comfortable enough to bring that up with anyone else. I wouldn’t be happy that my partner kept it from me for that long, but I think that is something I could overcome given how strong people’s prejudices can be and how scary this is to come out about.
Post # 15
I agree with CorgiTales.
For me personally, I would not be comfortable with being in a relationship with someone who had a sex change. I could easily be friends with someone that had a sex change, but intimate relationships & marriage are different. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with it.
Post # 16
I would definitely be pissed that he lied to me, and upset about our ability to reproduce (as Corgi and others stated). Would I leave him because of it? I don’t know – that’s a pretty major lie to keep from someone, and I’d have a hard time trusting him, similar to if he cheated on me.
Luckily I’ve seen about a million of his baby/childhood pictures, so while we may have trouble conceiving anyway, I feel pretty confident that this won’t be an issue for us.