What if your straight best friend was marrying a gay man unknowingly?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2275 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

Like how sure are you that he’s gay?  Maybe he’s bisexual.  Maybe the couple are asexual.  I would probably mind my own business though regardless.

Post # 3
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

How do you know he’s gay? Has he told anyone he’s gay? Did you catch him in the act of sleeping with another man?

Honestly, I’d keep my mouth shut because there’s really no way to know someone is gay unless they tell you they are. 

Post # 4
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would mind my own business. She might already know, he might be bisexual, there’s a bunch of different possibilities. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself when it comes to my friends’ relationships. Unless someone is cheating or abusing them, it’s just not worth it to try and talk someone out of a relationship. 

Post # 5
Member
884 posts
Busy bee

It depends. If I ‘thought’ he was gay with no real proof, than I would leave it. If he said “I am gay, but I am getting married anyways’ I would tell her.

Its all about context. If I knew he had previously had sex with a man before they met I wouldnt assume he was gay. I worked in an area where I was exposed to many different sexual prefrences so unless he openly addmited to only being sexually attracted to other men I wouldnt assume he was gay. If he had sex with another man while they were together I would tell her. Not because he was ‘gay’ by my assumptions but because he was cheating on her.

Anyways…I guess it really depends.

Post # 6
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

It depends on how certain you are and if you had any proof. I wasted a long time on a gay man whom I almost married. I cant tell you how relieved I was when friends voiced their concern and I got the proof that I needed. 

Post # 7
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

rbhs117:  I would leave it alone. You never know what agreements they have between each other. I would definitely not say something if I was only “quite certain”. Even if he was caught with another man, maybe he’s bi. Maybe they’re both bi or polyamorous, or swingers…

Post # 8
Member
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

They may have an “arrangement”- would not be the first time.

Post # 9
Member
3365 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1997

Unless the man has said to you, “I am gay and have zero romantic interest in your friend. I am using her,” you have no business interfering at all. 

Post # 10
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Unless your friend’s friend has explicitly stated that they are gay and that he has no intention of entering into a marraige for romantic purposes and wants to use her for money, greencard, stability, food ticket, whatever, don’t say a damn word. You have no idea what his orientation is otherwise and it’s best not to assume. They may have an arrangement. She might know. He might not know. You definitely don’t, so don’t utter a word.

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Post # 11
Member
3531 posts
Sugar bee

I would stay out of it. You have no idea what their situation is and what she has shared with him and vice versa. He may have already told her. She may be into that, he may not be gay but just act like it. You’re assuming a lot here.

Post # 12
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

Even if he is gay, it’s possible that he is attracted to and has fallen in love with a woman (sexuality is a confusing and flexible thing). It’s also possible that one or the other of them is asexual, or that they’ve worked out an arrangement. This is none of your business. Stay out of it.

Post # 13
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

rbhs117:  how could YOU know that he’s gay but she NOT know? I would definitely not say a word about this unless she brings it up to you first AND explicitly asks for your thoughts. Even then I’d tread very lightly because this can be such a delicate topic. 

Post # 14
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee

If I were your friend, I would want to know. I spent a year of my life dating someone who was in the closet. His best friend found gay porn on his computer, and his best friend’s girlfriend (my friend) knew… but she had promised not to tell me. The relationship absolutely ruined my self esteem, and I wish that someone had told me ahead of time. I don’t hold it against my ex, as I know it must have been very hard, but at the same time, I would have been a much healthier and happier person if I had known what was going on. I’m happy to say my ex has come out and is happy, and I have met the love of my life… so things couldn’t have turned out better.

Post # 15
Member
2242 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m gonna go against the grain here. If it’s a really close friend I’d talk to her about it. My closest friends and I actually DO talk about our sex lives. We dont give each other details but we generally know and are supportive of those that are having problems in that area. This situation would definitely call for a meeting of the gals and a good long talk IF I was relatively sure that her FI was gay and that she was IGNORANT of it.

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