Post # 1
I am having issues with my Maid/Matron of Honor. We have been friends for 15 years and she assumed the role of Maid/Matron of Honor when I got engaged. I never asked her but I guess because we were friends for so long it was assumed that she would be Maid/Matron of Honor.
Now that I have started planning my wedding she hasn’t been around for any of it nor has she given me any advice. I asked her multiple times to go dress shopping with me and she only went with me once. When we were there she didn’t even seem to care. We had made plans several times to go dress shopping but she always made other plans instead. She lives out of town, but that is no excuse because she comes to town every 2-3 weeks to “party” with her single girlfriends. So she could’ve made time for me any of those times!
My situation is that I don’t know how to ask her to step down as Maid/Matron of Honor because I don’t want this to be an argument, but I also don’t think that it’s fair to one of my bridesmaids who is also my best friend and has been supportive throughout the process. I want to ask her to be my co-MOH but I don’t really understand what that means or how common it is.
What should I do? Ask my current Maid/Matron of Honor to step down or make my other best friend who has been supportive to be a co-MOH?
Post # 3
Anyone been in this situation? Has anyone had a co-MOH or been to a wedding that did?
Post # 4
Just to share my situation, my Maid/Matron of Honor is by no means the most involved / supportive of my BMs. Actually, I’ve found that there is little correlation between how close I am to a particular Bridesmaid or Best Man and how involved she is in the wedding. Rather, a couple of my BMs are interested in weddings in general and thus have really stepped up to help me out, throw shower/bachelorette, etc. I am so grateful to them for this, but I didn’t feel like I needed to ask either to be Co-MOH after the fact.
My Fiance is having co-best men, and it seems to be working fine so far. The key is just to treat them both equally. So I might go this route if I were you. I’m not sure that I would ask my Maid/Matron of Honor to step down before trying to figure this out with her. I would figure out what expectations you have for Maid/Matron of Honor and what expectations she has. I think often brides think that an Maid/Matron of Honor should be super-involved in the planning, always ready to offer advice + help etc. Where as the Maid/Matron of Honor might be thinking her only responsibility is to buy a dress and maybe throw a shower. So she might think that she’s doing fine as Maid/Matron of Honor even as you’re frustrated at her lack of availability. If you are very clear with her about mutual expectations for the role, maybe you can meet somewhere in the middle. I would just remember that your other Bridesmaid or Best Man may be more involved because she is more into weddings in general than your Maid/Matron of Honor. But this doesn’t make either of them a better or worse friend!
Post # 5
I was in a wedding where the bride was in a similar predicament as you. Her best friend was not being supportive, and as my friend had had a long engagement, they were no longer even that close at the time of the real wedding planning.
She and I are very close, so she asked me a few months before the wedding to be her other Maid/Matron of Honor. She gently explained to her other Maid/Matron of Honor that she just wanted to honor our friendship by doing this, and she was still welcome to be a co-MOH. She also said that to her that if she no longer wanted to have the responsibility, she was under no obligation. The girl ended up staying Maid/Matron of Honor, and we just both had that role through the wedding plannng process.
I think that if you just explain to your current Maid/Matron of Honor that you want to honor your frienship with the other by having her in that role as well, that might help her accept this without feeling defensive. She’ll also have an “out” if she just isn’t up for the resonsibility and wants to step down. It worked out for us and it was a great wedding with no hard feelings!
Post # 6
I am having co-MOHs at my wedding! It didn’t seem right to choose between them since we were always a trio since we were little girls. So far it is working out just fine, but they are also close friends with each other so have no problems planning things together. I know its a little unconventional to have co-MOHs, but friendship trumpts tradition in my book! They are both helping me with decisions etc, are planning the shower/bachelorette together, and will make a speech together at the wedding.
Do these two friends know each other or are they friends with each other? I think if they are also friends then it would make things easier.
You said you never asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor, but has your friend mentioned that she thinks Maid/Matron of Honor is her role? Perhaps she doesn’t really know what her job is if it has never been talked about?
Post # 7
I have co-MOH’s but they are both my sisters and I couldn’t choose between the two of them.
But honestly one of my bridesmaids have been the most supportive. I wish I could have 3 moh’s!
Post # 8
To this point I haven’t given my Maid/Matron of Honor or BMs responsibilities. My current Maid/Matron of Honor is all about partying so she was most enthused about being Maid/Matron of Honor to plan by bachelorette party. I guess that is where I am struggling because I always though an Maid/Matron of Honor was supposed to be there for you to offer advice and help with the dress, etc. Be supportive.
My current Maid/Matron of Honor and the Bridesmaid or Best Man that I am thinking of asking to be co-MOH know each other but I wouldn’t say that they are good friends. They could be civil with each other. I am thinking of telling my current Maid/Matron of Honor that I will be making my other BFF co-MOH because she lives here in town and has been helping me out with all my wedding ideas and that I don’t think it’s fair to her to not have her as a co-MOH. That’s fair right?
Post # 9
I think asking her to step down is not right. She hasn’t done anything wrong. While she is supposed to support you, I think she has to some degree. If you feel that you want another Maid/Matron of Honor to be involved ask another Bridesmaid or Best Man.
I have a Maid and Matron of honor. Each have helped in their own ways. One of my other BMs has helped tremendously as well in her own way.
Post # 10
Well it happened! DRAMA!!
So I read what all of you said that asking her to step down was not the right thing to do, so I decided to ask my other best friend to be co-MOH. I posted a message on my best friends wall who is currently a Bridesmaid or Best Man and asked her if she would ALSO be a an Maid/Matron of Honor. Granted I did not tell my current Maid/Matron of Honor if she’d be willing to share the position, but I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure if the other Bridesmaid or Best Man would say yes to be co-MOH.
Before I know I get a text message from my current Maid/Matron of Honor saying that there is no reason to have 2 MOH’s and that if I wanted the other girl to be Maid/Matron of Honor then I could. And then she said that I posted it “all over facebook” and that it was a slap in the face. I explained to her that I wanted both of them to be Maid/Matron of Honor and that I wasn’t asking her to step down. That it was common for people to have multiple MOHs. She was pissed and she wanted no part in it.
I asked her if she still wanted to be in the wedding party as a Bridesmaid or Best Man since she didn’t want to be Maid/Matron of Honor anymore. She said that if I wanted her to, she would be. But at this point it’s not really my choice. I told her that she had her role as an Maid/Matron of Honor in my wedding party and that it was never taken away from her; that she decided to setp down. And I told her that at this point it wasn’t up to me if I wanted her to be in my bridal party but it was up to her if she still wanted to be in it.
She told me that she assumed that she would be the only Maid/Matron of Honor but I told her that it was my wedding and I didn’t need to follow the bridal party norms and that I wanted both of my best friends to be Maid/Matron of Honor. I personally don’t think it’s fair for my other best friend that wasn’t an Maid/Matron of Honor to begin with, but I didn’t know how common it was to have multiple BMs when I first got engaged.
Needless to say, I apologized to my friend and I told her that I was sorry that she was offended and assumed that she’d be the only Maid/Matron of Honor, but that it wasn’t fair to my other BFF not be an Maid/Matron of Honor too.
Quite frankly, I feel that she is being super immature just b/c I want to have 2 MOHs. We went at it over text messages and I told her that she was blowing this way out of proportion. Her last text message said that she was out of the bridal party…
So much drama, but I’m glad that this happened 9 months before the wedding and not a few months before the wedding.