Post # 1
As I get closer to the wedding, I’ve been thinking a lot about monogomy, fidelity, long-lasting relationships, what works, what doesn’t and I’m just curious about what is considered a normal/healthy perspective to have, according to the Bee.
Is it normal to acknowledge that anyone could be cheated on at any point, even in a happy marriage and despite how wonderful you think your partner is, no one is incapable of doing it… and that if it happens, it happens?
Or is it better to truly believe your partner is incapable of doing it and it would never happen? Then, potentially be blind sided if it does?
I do trust my FI, but I think the practical side of me doesn’t want to be naiive and disregard the possibility that something could go wrong. But then I think to myself that I wouldn’t be marrying him if I didn’t truly believe he were something special and that if anyone could be faithful to me for our entire lives, it would be him.
Anyone else have these thoughts ever?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
I definitely go about with the attitude that anyone can be cheated on at anytime, I don’t believe FI or I will but I wouldn’t want to be blind-sided if it happened (been there done that…)
And I acknowledge that that may change after we’ve been married for several years (not the most optimistic thing ever, but I tend to be overly realistic, some might call it pessimistic!)
Post # 4
1. No, I don’t think that’s normal. People don’t cheat because they see a really attractive person or because they’re seduced, they cheat because something is wrong with their current relationship.
2. I don’t know if I feel that anyone is capable of cheating, but there certainly are types of people who are more likely to cheat. I think it really depends on the situation too. If the couple has grown apart, they don’t have sex, and one of them has an opportunity then they may cheat whereas if their relationship were still strong they might not have. Or if one of them felt rushed into marriage and felt trapped, or if they are fighting all the time, etc. Some people may just never cheat, especially if they were cheated on (or one of their parents cheated) and they have really strong feelings against it. Of course we would all love to think that our SO would never cheat, but obviously that’s not the case because a fair amount of people do cheat.
3. I have never really worried about my FI cheating and I don’t think he ever will. Nor do I think I ever will. If things start getting rocky in our relationship for whatever reason, it might be something that crosses my mind. I hope that I would be proactive and try to address any issues we have before it becomes an unhappy marriage that may lead to cheating. I don’t think it’s something you should worry about but I do think that you should always try to make sure your partner is happy and nip any issues in the bud to maintain a happy and healthy marriage.
Post # 5
I guess I’m not the same. I believe that humans and men are capable of being more than animals. No one has to cheat. I feel like 50+ years ago women expected men to cheat and were okay with that. Sorry, but I expect more from my man.
Post # 6
In my heart of hearts I believe that my SO (soon to be FI) would never cheat on me. And that if he honestly felt he NEEDED to, he would a) communicate that need/want, or b) walk away.
In my head, I believe that no one is immune to temptation. I believe that ‘things’ happen, and that honestly a higher percentage of cheating is completely unintentional (not the act itself, you CHOOSE to take that step!). BUT more so that an innocent friendship/working relationship (perhaps) developed into an emotional connection, and then physical before anyone realized it could, or would…
Beyond realizing that, I too am not immune! I can think about my SO cheating, but wonder, WHAT IF 25 years down the line, Im stuck in the same situation?! All the while stating, I could and would never cheat on my DH?!
I think the safest bet anyone can take with any partner is to talk about it, and not from a standpoint of “ohhh, I love you so much, I would never ever cheat on you!”, but also discussing the other side too. Communicate, communicate, communicate!! We are all human, which makes us vulnerable to lust, and major mistakes!
Post # 7
I’m not blind to the fact that he could… but i don’t think he will and i trust that he won’t.
And if it does – i’m gone. Plain and simple. He knows it and I think that keeps him from being stupid – knowing he doesn’t have a chance of forgiveness from me.
Post # 8
@csteen85: I am of the second opinion. I think it would make it more painful if something hapened but I know that (a) my fiance never ever would, and (b) I would leave his ass if he ever did (no exceptions).
Post # 9
My attitude is that if he ever did, I’d dump his sorry ass in a nanosecond. It just takes a little self control. There is no excuse for cheating, if the relationship has problems then work on fixing those before becoming a total scumbag.
Post # 10
Ummm, I would stay away from infidelity as the dipped in bronze idol of a failed relationship, and take the perspective of it being VERY likely that at any time in your relationship, the both of you are capable of making a mistake….and that could be anything really. From financial misteps, career choices and changes, family strain and even arguments between the two of you and yes, infidelity.
But if you focus on how the two of you will deal with the problem together, that attitude can provide a large amount of comfort…because honestly, you can’t guard your marriage against everything, that’s impossible, but you can be confident, that no matter what does happen, the two of you will deal with it together.
Post # 11
I believe more people are capable of cheating than anyone (including themselves) would like to think. I don’t believe there’s a way to totally “affair-proof” a marriage. I believe things aren’t always black and white, but there is never an excuse for cheating (reasons maybe, but not excuses). I don’t believe in victim-blaming with respect to the cheatee. I believe that sometimes reconciliation shouldn’t be attempted, but I don’t believe infidelity is always a death sentence for a marriage.
And I don’t believe you can know exactly what you would do until you’re faced with the situation. Life is always changing, and what you might do before marriage, before kids, before mortgages and years of memories and completely intertwined lives is not necessarily what you’ll do after. I think it’s better to give yourself the space to consider that possibility than to completely foreclose it.
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
anything could happen, and it’s madness to think that it would be impossible. but that doesn’t mean I will hold any expectation that it will- I expect that it could but WILL NOT happen, or else he knows what will happen afterward!
Post # 13
Eh…call me naive but there are many people who don’t cheat or will never cheat just as there are many people who will.
With my marriage, my expectation is that he will not cheat. My vows hang on the fact that he should not cheat (and vice versa). It is a deal breaker for me. Was married before, the ex cheated and let’s just say it did not end well. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you will be blind sided no matter what. You are never prepared for this to happen in your relationship. He and I have discussed and he says it is something he may be able to forgive if he was convinced I was extremely heart broken over it but we intend to uphold our end of the bargain. For me, I believe I will walk away. Been there and know I am just not ‘built’ to handle the life long suspicion I believe I will carry after the fact.
A healthy view in my opinion is to never expect and put up with what is less than your personal standards no matter what that is. If it happens, you make whatever decision needs to be made but your expectations going into your commitment should reflect your standards and not what could possibly happen if one of you screws up.
Post # 14
I agree that cheating, much like lies within a relationship is when the relationship isn’t healthy. Now it may bot be in the toilet but it’s not healthy.I don’t expect my FI to ever cheat on me, I expect complete and total faithfulness and I will give him the same. If I am capeable then he certainly is as well.
I may be blind sided if he ever did cheat on me but until then at least I don’t have that nagging in the back of my head wondering if he ever will, the voice telling me “Just check to make sure he’s not so you will know if he is”. I don’t ever have that feeling or wondering if he is. I see unknown numbers in his text on his phone (we share a phone) and I ask, but I never assume or question and I fully believe him when he tells me what number that is. I’m not saying those that expect a person to chet or know they are fully capeable are jealous freaks or anything but I’m sure the thought and questions “Well I wonder if he is now, is he starting to look elsewhere? When will he start if he does?” gets brought up from time to time but I don’t think anything of that sort.
Every person is capeable of anything. Heck he’s capeable physically of murder but not emotionally or morally. Same thing goes for cheating, he’s physically capeable but not emotionally or morally. He loves me and does not want to lose me, and he knows he will if he does. And I keep my man very happy and give him all I have emotionally.
Post # 15
Anyone can be cheated on at anytime. I think everyone is capable of it depending on their circumstance. I suppose I could negative about this because I have been cheated on by my ex-husband. And I never thought it would happen when we were first together. It really hurt and I spent so long crying and obsessing over it. I forgave rumors because there was no proof but the trust was gone. He lied and lied and lied. Then when I knew for sure he was the last time. I left him. I was done being hurt. Even after leaving him and him moving in with the woman he had the affair with, it wasn’t until right before their wedding that he admitted to me he had cheated with her. So, now my view is ANYONE can cheat. If it happens with my FI then I will leave but I am already a stronger woman. Will it hurt? Absolutely, but I will not be the fragile naive girl I was before.
Post # 16
@sportsgal31: I agree with you and Nona99.